ras3737

I have a friend who is spiraling out of control, and I know from being in the same small profession, that he is burning bridges, and damaging his reputation. A few mutual friends and I have been discussing whether or not we should try to talk to him about it. I want to hear from people in recovery if they had someone outside of family try to talk to them, how did it go? How did you initially react? Was it of any help?

Two more issues we are weighing: he has a family we don't really know but has been kicked out of the home. Would this be crossing a line with anything they are trying to do? Also, he has been crossing the line/standing up and letting down friends professionally (for years) really and we have all put up with it. Would just bowing out be more of a wakeup call...as in a natural consequence to his actions.

He is an expert at un-cornering himself from anything.

All input greatly appreciated, thanks!

ScottFromWI

For the most part, unless he's ready to stop using himself there's really nothing you or your friends can do to help, including ultimatums or interventions. That's one of the sad sides of addition - logic doesn't really matter.

Since his family has already kicked him out that in itself is a pretty harsh ultimatum in itself. Before you consider doing anything I would definitely speak with them.

Soberwolf

I've not done an intervention but I do know it's up to the person to enter recovery it's got to be them otherwise it just won't work but I wish you well

Anna

I think your friend will need to decide he is ready to stop drinking and to seek recovery before he will change. I think stepping away, as you said, bowing out and telling him that he has let you down too many times is probably the most effective thing to do. I hope your friends decides to save himself.

uncorked

Agree with all here. Even if your friend did agree to go to rehab, he'd be doing it just to please other people. I went to inpatient rehab and saw a few of those folks. They just wanted to get it over with to appease their wife/family. HE has to want to change and you can't make him do that, no matter how much you care. I understand people do interventions out of love and concern, but the reality is that a person needs to decide they want to live life differently. My husband pressured me to go to rehab for a long time....but he wanted to make the decision WHERE I went (control freak!) So I kept refusing. He wanted me to go to a "tough love" kind of place, but I knew that wouldn't work for me. Neither would 12 step-based places. In the end, I went to a place of my choosing and have been sober over 6 months. (But not with him!) I'm sure it's hard to watch someone you care about ruin their life.

buk1000

If he's a close friend and you've never said anything you could at least tell him honestly what you think about it and leave it at that. I wouldn't make any ultimatums that you don't intend to keep. Involuntary interventions don't usually accomplish much.

On the other hand, I did have one instance where a long time drinking buddy of mine came to see me about 7 years into my sobriety. He was complaining about his life and going on about things. I told him I had told myself I would never do this but that I would only mention it once. I said I had felt exactly how he felt and that was the day I quit drinking and that maybe he should consider it. I told him it wasn't an easy thing to do but for me it was worth it.

He broke down and decided he wanted to and I drove him to an inpatient treatment center that night. So I guess it's possible he could be ready to hear it.

awuh1

I disagree that there is nothing you can do to help. There are times when others can do something for the alcoholic or addict which provides a beginning. It's a difficult task. It's often unsuccessful, but that does not mean that you should not try.

His family has kicked him out, so it looks like a harsh approach might be of limited use. If all else fails perhaps the "natural consequences" ("bowing out" as you put it) might be all you can do. But that is SOMETHING.

I'm going to assume he is an alcoholic. Consider a one-on-one talk with him. (Group confrontations can make people very defensive, although this might also be attempted if he is unresponsive to other things.) Decide among you who might have the best chance of success in an individual conversation with him. Tell him you want to help but he's got to admit a problem and take steps to address it. Arrange to have someone from AA speak to him if he is willing to do so, and give him a number to call (you can discuss the logistics of this by calling your local AA and see how this might be done).

In all likelihood you will get denial that there is a problem. You can expect it. You don't need to be harsh but you don't need to accept the denial either. Let him know your willing to help but that he is burning bridges. IMO, based on what you've said about the situation, a very loving yet very firm approach stands the best chance of success. Even then, the chances are not very good, but if your attempt fails then you will have done your best.

Keep in mind that even if your efforts seem to fail, they sometimes can have a benefit for the individual, sometimes years after the conversation took place.