Steph2016

Hi everyone,

Yesterday I spent many, many hours on this site. I was so grateful to hear stories like mine, and received so many responses with love and kindness and understanding—frankly, I was overwhelmed. I drank yesterday, despite this, but I really felt so awful in the morning and I don’t know. Kinda felt like I was going to die, like the world was crushing me from my soul outwards. But I didn’t drink later on. I looked at the 1.5 L bottles. I picked one up. I put it back. Walked around and I picked it up again. But I put it back. I put it back. I went to bed early and I dreamt. And I remember what I read. And I remember the last conversation I had on the phone. And I remember the last thing I watched on TV. Can’t say that has happened in a very long time.

So I wake up this morning and I feel…kinda normal. I didn’t see the bloodshot patterns I normally see (don’t know if anyone has experienced this, I used to when I drank a whole lot—like a night out or something—but now it’s every night in, and every morning). I feel sort of normal.

But when I went through that crappy, awful, heartache, less than a year ago, I started smoking again (gross, disgusting, I know). And I was out of cigarettes--because last night, I KNEW if I went to the store, I would have grabbed a bottle of wine. Shift change at the local 711. They wouldn’t realize I had already bought one earlier in the day (tricky, tricky).

And here is where my brain went for the first hour of waking:
• Go buy cigarettes and get a bottle so you don’t have to go out later
• Go buy cigarettes and get a bottle of dry white wine, less sugar, maybe you’ll drink less
• Go buy cigarettes and get a bottle of red wine, you won’t drink it until later
• Go buy cigarettes and get something to mix that old bottle of Campari with because you hate it and you’ll drink less
• Go buy cigarettes and get one of those little boxed wines, so you can have it if you want, but it won’t be that much. Then lock the door.
• Go buy cigarettes and just buy the bottle anyway, you know you will, you did good yesterday, who cares?
• Wait…isn’t there a can of beer in my car still?

I wanted to share this with you all because yesterday I learned something REALLY valuable from all of your incredible posts. I learned that I have this voice in my head that is a little saboteur and will keep justifying over and over and over until she gets what she wants.

So I went to the store. I walked right by that familiar fridge. I looked at it. And then I took three steps to the right, told that stupid chick in my head to shut up, and I bought a juice. One of those blended “health” juices.

I bought A JUICE. I have not bought a juice, I swear, since like 1996. I think they have too many calories (hahaha that's hilarious--like wine is calorie-free or something. So stupid). I bought a juice. And I got the heck out of there.

So I know this is not a big deal, but if it weren’t for everything that I read yesterday and for your support, I would not have thought twice, and I’d already be into the Chardonnay like it’s not the thing that is killing me and ruining my life.

So thank you, thank you. I am looking for a doctor and it may take time since my insurance--due to Chardonnay’s signature on my two week notice--is questionable, but I am going to give it my best to at least give myself the best head start I can.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know it’s dumb, but I bought a juice today. And I remember going to bed last night. And I am grateful to you all.

Maybe this is not so impossible, after all .

Carlotta

Absolutely not. If we could do it, so can you

Fabela

Steph2016

Thank you both! I feel like it's just kind of a dumb thing, but it is REALLY different for me. A small step, I know. Even the cashier was like, "Juice??". I don't know, but I'm feeling pretty hopeful, whereas yesterday I felt in such despair. It's a change and I hope one of many to come . Thank you

ben83

great to buy your first juice. I know the feeling it's strange but a good first step.

2ndhandrose

Ditto x a bazillion

So happy to see you back today

And, yes, kick that stupid AV to the curb, , you don't have to listen to that!

Steph2016

Thank you everyone! I appreciate it SO much!

Soberwolf

Congratulations

uncorked

That is HUGE!!!!!!! Good for you!!! See, it's really not as hard as you thought, is it? What I learned in rehab was that thoughts are not facts. Easy to say, hard to practice...but you did just that last night!

CaseyW

Keep on doing the next right thing, Steph2016, and you'll be amazed at the results.

Anna

Steph, it's not dumb at all. You have had a shift in your thinking and that's a great thing. And, you are recognizing that 'voice' with all the ideas of what to drink and how much, is not you and you don't need to listen to it. Ignore it and it will fade away.

amazingjoy

That's great Steph! I can totally relate to how big of a shift that is!

ccam1973

Congrats Steph and that's not dumb in the least. That's a success, you have just made yourself stronger based on your reaction of buying a juice versus wine. Each time you succeed, you are building a stronger foundation, little by little, day by day.

Envision how you want your tomorrow to play out. I bet it doesn't include waking up hung over, going to the store to buy more wine so you don't have to do it later... As long as you don't drink today, you are making yourself stronger for tomorrow.

Great job!

FreeOwl

where'dya go, Steph?