Anna

Welcome, Steph,

I'm glad you're here and that you're seeking support.

The feelings of fear you have are very common. Stopping drinking was so very scary for me and I had no idea what to expect. It was a leap of faith that I took because the disease was killing me.

You are worth the hard work this will take and we are here for you.

Steph2016

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am literally overwhelmed at how many just took the time to respond and also, at all of the stories that are like mine. I am beside myself, I have cried like 10 times already. What was it that made me get up this morning and look this up, writing out a huge thing that I really didn't even expect anyone to read, honestly, I just wanted to put it out there--you know, kind of like telling the world, albeit anonymously, that I am in real trouble and I'm doing it to myself.
I just sincerely thank you for your kind words--for everyone's kindness and understanding and time--and I am thankful for having whatever insight, divine or otherwise, that led me to this place. I am truly grateful.
Today seems different, somehow . I hope it is because it is the first of better to come.
Thank you

Steph2016

Thank you so much for your reply. I am very grateful for your understanding words. I really felt like I was all by myself...I'm just very thankful. Thank you

Steph2016

For some reason, I keep going back to this one. I like the vanilla and apple juice thing. Don't ask me why, it's making me laugh (that is a good thing because I feel super crushed inside). I don't know what the vanilla is about, and I can figure out the apple juice thing. My thing, among many things (coffee cups, Starbucks cups, cans of soda that I poured out and put wine or vodka or whatever in) is to rotate stores. And don't make eye contact. Yep, I do that. Or DID that. Anyway, thank you. Because I chose to post my life on this site that I really, honestly, thought would never be read, I had a tough day, but an amazing one. I am feeling a weird sensation I haven't felt for a while. I think it might be excited? Or happy? Anyway, thanks

uncorked

Awww, Steph, I just want to give you a big hug!! ((( ))))
I know the self-loathing, the fear, the regret you feel every morning. I understand what it's like to look at that wine bottle as your friend, your temporary escape, ....all the while knowing deep inside that it's your enemy. I've felt the guilt and hopelessness, sure that my friends would drop out of my life if they knew the "real" me. I've shopped the grocery and liquor stores, hoping the cashier wouldn't notice I just bought 6 bottles of chardonnay last week.

I think most of us on this board can relate to everything you're going through. And it's scary to give up drinking! To imagine life as a sober person, living without your crutch. I never thought I could give that up -- until I had to. My husband (also a crappy relationship) filed for divorce and took temporary custody of our son, and that forced my hand. I went to inpatient rehab in October, kicking and screaming all the way but I knew I had to do it for my son. I stayed there 7 weeks and it was the BEST thing I ever did. If there is any way possible for you to go, do it! (Make sure you go to a good one, though, there are a lot of crappy places out there...)

If you opt to quit by yourself, you can if you surround yourself with support. It sounds like you might need some supervised medical detox to help withdrawal symptoms, though. Being sober is so much better than waking up to yet another hangover and slogging through your day feeling like dog poo. Since being sober, I've never woken up and said to myself, dang, if only I would've drank a bottle last night! :-) It sounds like you are being honest with yourself and understand that you need to stop. That is a huge step!! Some people never get to that place.

Keep us posted and feel free to PM me anytime.

amazingjoy

Hi Steph, I hope you have been able to read a lot of other threads here on SR and find some hope and inspiration! How are you doing today?

madgirl

Think of it this way. You already know exactly how life is and how you feel while actively drinking.

Aren't you a little curious to know how it feels to embrace sobriety?

Take a leap of faith and make a choice to NOT put it in your body. No matter what.

talldude

It's not gonna be easy. You have spent many years getting to the alcoholic that you are. Your mind and body are not just gonna let you change overnight. And some if not a lot of people who know you are gonna treat you like the drunk you were, refusing to admit you are changing because that threatens them. The toughest thing about going sober for me has not been missing hangovers or bloated stomachs; it's the fact that emotionally and socially I felt like I was starting all over, and that's a giant strike to the ol' pride.

jseattle

Oh yes my final straw was drinking wine out of coffee mugs so my husband wouldn't know! So embarrassing. Read "drinking a love story" - great book, lots on what we go through to hide, including rotating stores. You are not alone! You will find people who have done all that and more and who are sober now. Apple juice is what people would hide and pour into urine test cups at rehab. Nuts. You can do this. Don't try to do it alone.

least

I got sober for good over six years ago, with the help of this site. You are not alone. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.