I am new here not sure where to start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Ogden
Posts: 31
I am new here not sure where to start
Hi,
I am new here and am learning more about alcoholism. I am not an alcoholic but have lived with one. I am working on Al-Anon and thought it would be good for me to join an online group since I can't make it to meetings every day.
I am struggling right now because of the pattern of behavior I have been exhibiting since ABF left sobriety a few years ago. I really thought that there was nothing I was doing wrong and that since all of my intentions were to "fix" him I thought that would just make our situation "normal". I have had a friend suggest Al-Anon to me for a while and I never took his advice. I figured I had it under control, could figure out a way to control him etc.
In the mean time I have four children who have missed out on me taking better care of them. And most of all I have not been taking care of myself or my needs because I felt I could handle this all. But I figured out I am tired. Just so tired. We split again a week ago because I did some digging (bad to do I know now) and found out ABF had been talking to other women. Long distance emotional affair where he had talked plans about moving to Canada to be with her and a whole lot of other lies. I reached out to her since it was apparently now my business (I now know it was not) and confronted him and asked him to get his things. He never came home. I was a wreck because how could he do this to me, to her too? I did nothing wrong and did nothing but take care of him. I now know I need to let go and leave it to HP. He doesn't believe in HP and has been into recovery only a bit here and there. I now know that I have no control. In fact I also just realized he has no control over his disease. I am stuck and need to get to a meeting I know. But logistics of kids and sports I have yet to make time for me to do this which I know I need. I am not even sure how to talk to him at this time. I am terrified of making things worse. Thanks for listening. Leeloo
I am new here and am learning more about alcoholism. I am not an alcoholic but have lived with one. I am working on Al-Anon and thought it would be good for me to join an online group since I can't make it to meetings every day.
I am struggling right now because of the pattern of behavior I have been exhibiting since ABF left sobriety a few years ago. I really thought that there was nothing I was doing wrong and that since all of my intentions were to "fix" him I thought that would just make our situation "normal". I have had a friend suggest Al-Anon to me for a while and I never took his advice. I figured I had it under control, could figure out a way to control him etc.
In the mean time I have four children who have missed out on me taking better care of them. And most of all I have not been taking care of myself or my needs because I felt I could handle this all. But I figured out I am tired. Just so tired. We split again a week ago because I did some digging (bad to do I know now) and found out ABF had been talking to other women. Long distance emotional affair where he had talked plans about moving to Canada to be with her and a whole lot of other lies. I reached out to her since it was apparently now my business (I now know it was not) and confronted him and asked him to get his things. He never came home. I was a wreck because how could he do this to me, to her too? I did nothing wrong and did nothing but take care of him. I now know I need to let go and leave it to HP. He doesn't believe in HP and has been into recovery only a bit here and there. I now know that I have no control. In fact I also just realized he has no control over his disease. I am stuck and need to get to a meeting I know. But logistics of kids and sports I have yet to make time for me to do this which I know I need. I am not even sure how to talk to him at this time. I am terrified of making things worse. Thanks for listening. Leeloo
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here. SR has an active forum for Friends and Family of Alcoholics. I hope you'll pop over there and introduce yourself.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Ogden
Posts: 31
Thank you very much! It has been so hard to not keep checking on him and making sure he is okay. And to not see what he is doing. I keep finding myself coming back to "Let Go and Let God" and To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Welcome, I would try and engage the folks in the friends and family forum as I'm sure this isn't the first time something like this has happened. Take care of yourself and your children, they deserve the best from you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Welcome to SoberRecovery, there are tons of people here who have been through what you have and we are all here for you to lean on when you need to.
The first thing you need to do is let go of it all. You didn't make him an addict, you can't make him be sober, and nothing you do/say/beg/plead/scream/threaten will ever make a difference. When he is ready to find recovery he will do it, but only on his own time.
Focus on your children and yourself. Even though snooping never ends up good, it did make you stand up for yourself and he is out of the house. You can now start to heal, it doesn't matter how much you love him or try to help him, he is in love with his DOC and nothing else matters to him.
I'm sorry your hurting, keep posting, reaching out, and going to meetings
The first thing you need to do is let go of it all. You didn't make him an addict, you can't make him be sober, and nothing you do/say/beg/plead/scream/threaten will ever make a difference. When he is ready to find recovery he will do it, but only on his own time.
Focus on your children and yourself. Even though snooping never ends up good, it did make you stand up for yourself and he is out of the house. You can now start to heal, it doesn't matter how much you love him or try to help him, he is in love with his DOC and nothing else matters to him.
I'm sorry your hurting, keep posting, reaching out, and going to meetings
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Welcome Imsober4me. And so very sorry for what has brought you here.
Many, many of us find out the hard way that there is no way to "fix" an alcoholic. It is indeed a painful lesson. You seem to be a quick study in that you have already asked him to leave and have realized you need to let go. Of course our hearts are not always onboard for this decision but it must be done.
Many, many of us find out the hard way that there is no way to "fix" an alcoholic. It is indeed a painful lesson. You seem to be a quick study in that you have already asked him to leave and have realized you need to let go. Of course our hearts are not always onboard for this decision but it must be done.
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