Para

Hello folks.

I seem to have a big problem. I can stay sober for months and then go on a binge.
That happened yesterday. Drank too much wine, passed out at a restaurant and had to go to emergency.
I need help.
The thing is - i've tried AA. I've gone up to step 5 many times. I've gone to outpatient and inpatient treatment. I've seen addiction counsellors. I have all the tools. I know I do. I just don't use them. Maybe because I don't want to.

I think what i'm missing each time is a recovery plan.
I'm going to make one every morning right when I wake up.

Any suggestions would help.

I'm feeling regretful today. My family is mad at me.

Lightning Bug

I feel for you. Hugs.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're feeling down Para, but have faith that you can do this.

You're right, the tools are only good as long as you use them, and I think motivation is more important than specific tools. Do whatever you think will work for you. Can you accept that drinking is no longer an option for you, ever? I think if you can, you will feel a mental shift and things will work more smoothly for you.

ccam1973

Para, what led up to your binge yesterday? Were you planning on drinking at the restaurant or did you give in last minute?

You can get back at fighting this and learn from this experience. What's done is done, move on but don't let that mistake happen again.

Figure out what you need to do to strengthen your sober muscles to avoid the same situation next time.

Good for you reaching out here for help.

Para

ccam - I'll be honest. All weekend I was planning to drink on Monday. The reason I gave myself was just this one time, then I won't do it again.

Anna - So right you are. The tools are only good as long as you use them. Drinking is no longer an option for me - that mental shift is a difficult one. I will work on that.

ccam1973

Good job on analyzing it Para. Always keep this feeling in your mind. Exactly how you feel today, the day after your binge, the feeling that you don't want to ever feel again. You've got the power to make this the last time you feel this way.

Next time you are feeling weak, reach out to us before drinking... reach out as soon as you are feeling tempted.

You're back on track now.

Para

I'm doing a lot of analyzing today.
I was thinking about what Anna asked me. Can I accept that drinking is no longer an option for me?
When I think about it....I know that the drink is bad for me, but I do like (no I love) the feeling I get from the first drink...the happy buzz...the confidence.
That feeling is what I don't want to let go of.
But if drinking is no longer an option, I need to find other ways to get the happy buzz...the confidence...and when I say other ways...I mean positive things..like dancing or going to coffee with a friend..or going shopping..or a walk with my dog...travelling....
All those things I won't be able to do if I continue drinking.
I'm starting to see the light.

ccam - thank you for saying i'm back on track now. Gives me the confidence to do the right things.

I am back on track now. I feel it.

MIRecovery

Just to clarify. Very shortly before the last binge you were going to AA meetings regularly, you were working on the steps with your sponsor, you asked your higher power for a day of sobriety in the morning and thanked your higher power at night, you have a network of sober friend and have built a life around nondrinking activities?

For me if I don't do what I need to do on a daily basis I drink

Soberwolf

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

CaseyW

The short version of my plan:

1. Ask for help as soon as I need it. (This means setting up a support network, either here or AA or rehab or another recovery group or church or all of the above. And "as soon as" means immediately, not ten minutes or an hour after those thoughts of drinking or other issues in my life arise.)

2. Help others when I can. (Even it's just telling someone new "hello" or offering an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on when someone is hurting. These message boards a wonderful place to start doing this step. Giving makes it easier to receive.)

3. Remember that I don't have to take that first drink today no matter what sweet lies or rationalizations my addiction tries to throw my way. (It's the first drink that causes all the problems. Without it, the second or third or tenth drink will never happen.)

My actual plan is a whole lot longer and more specific than this, but these three points are the basics of everything in it. Glad you've realized you need a plan and I wish you the best in your recovery.

jseattle

As soon as you start to plan to drink your relapse has started - but it is much easier to stop at that point than the first drink. That is why we start to feel relief just driving to the store or planning the glass we will order, before we have tasted it. The relief turns to need, turns to Not Enough. You stayed sober for a long time, give yourself credit. The programs WORKED. You had a slip, go back and work them some more. Have you tried CBT or SMART? They help me way more than a higher power or a sponsor, frankly, because I can catch my AV trying to manipulate me and head it off.

ALinNS

I think what is important, as I reflect on my own pass as I failed many times until I believe I got it, I picked myself back up as fast as I could, tweaked my plan as I reflected on what happened, came on the forums and worked hard again to stay sober. My AV has been quiet but should it rear its ugly head I will play the tape through as I kinow what happens and what I will loose if I relapse.

Andrew

Mountainmanbob

You remind me of me after my last two drinking outings.

Making a (firm) decision each morning not to drink today
and being grateful each day for sobriety
seem to be very important.

You pretty much said that, "you have tried it all."
Some need to go back for seconds, thirds or fourths.
Hopefully we get it before we die
or all family members and friends have left us.

Mountainmanbob

oldsoul1122

If you are building your dream house it won't happen wishing it into being. You'll need to go about it aggressively with a FULL desire using your tools every day, keeping your vision in sight, to make it happen. Now that you have it analyzed draw up a blueprint and put it into action. Don't be a victim of Analysis Paralysis.

Para

I am putting a plan in action!

I feel like this time is different from the past. It's like I feel more responsible...like the drinking was my decision (which it was - i chose to pick up that first drink).....rather than blaming others or having an excuse like anxiety/stress etc.
And also, i'm not feeling hopeless or full of despair. It's like there is a peace within me...I do have the tools, I can do this. I know I can.

I have to admit, I was lazy. I wanted sobriety to come to me, not me working for it.

Thanks for all the comments!

I'm also in the pink cloud phase where i'm eager about sobriety!!! I hope it never goes away!!

Dee74

welcome back Para - you can make this time different

just curious tho - why did you not go past step 5?

D

tomsteve

i was wondering that myself.
if im not mistaken theres 12 steps.

Para

I'm not sure why I didn't go past Step 5.
I remember I did the Back to Basics 12 steps in a week with my sponsor and a few ladies. And once I was done, I didn't feel any different.

And then I did a thorough step 4 and 5, and I still didn't feel any different. So maybe I just gave up on it.

hellrzr

Just based off what I've seen around AA, I would contend that you really haven't done the steps. You may think you have but I know many people who think they have until they REALLY do the steps they then realize they were never honest with themselves or their sponsor. That might not make much sense just typed out and is something better explained face to face. Perhaps you can speak with some of your AA friends and sponsor and try one more time but this time truly be honest and forthcoming with everything in your life.

Maybe I was fortunate but I can truly say that after the 4th and 5th steps that I have yet to have any obsession or more than even a passing thought of drinking and that was close to 4 years ago.

Para

They say be rigorously honest. I don't think I was.