Day one (with a hangover) and counting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Cape Town
Posts: 1
Day one (with a hangover) and counting.
I’m failing at life because of alcohol and drugs.
Although I have done my fair share (and more) of cocaine, I truly don’t see that as my demon. My demons are marijuana (daily) and as a result of being stoned I will get drunk as well (white wine mostly) on average two – three times a week. I think my husband is falling out of love with me. I hate myself because I am and have been the biggest factor in the breakdown of my marriage over 10 years yet I feel powerless to stop it. After years of trying to force me to quit smoking weed (except for 4 years when we lived in the Middle East) my husband finally accepted I wouldn’t quit for him and I now smoke openly. But the drinking became a problem for me in the Middle East and that has never truly gone away. Boredom, loneliness, disconnection… And when I combine the two, it’s a disaster. But it doesn’t stop me. I would say I am more of a binge drinker. I hate hangovers with a passion. And when I do have a hangover (two to three times a week), I projectile vomit to a sweating, nothing-in-the-stomach-but-bile end result.
Despite this, I know there is a lot further to fall and if my husband had to leave me at this point I’m not sure what would happen; I’ve started a business but its very new and I’m supporting it more at this stage than the other way around.
I don’t want to leave you with the impression my husband is a saint. He’s also done his fair share of cocaine and alcohol but he loathes marijuana and he definitely doesn’t have a drinking problem. He is a good man, however he has always left me to struggle with my demons alone. He’s very hard that way. And he makes me wrong a lot too. And I think I definitely resent that. I feel like I am not a strong person and I need someone to have my back and I don’t feel that he does. Or if he does, it feels like its out of obligation and that hurts. Despite this I do love him very much yet I think maybe its his disconnection from me which causes me to lose myself so frequently in a haze of smoke and alcohol. Or is it because of said haze of smoke and alcohol that he’s disconnecting from me? Chicken/egg syndrome much?
Anyway, his disconnection is a trigger for me. When he rejects me, is angry with me, makes me wrong, I ‘escape’. I don’t know what to do.
Anyway, I can’t seem to stop. I smoked my first joint when I was 19 and I am 39 next month. I have long passed the stage of getting the giggles or the munchies. Rather, I get reflective and depressed in my thoughts and sometimes trigger an anxiety attack onto myself. Sometimes I will have uncontrolled spurts of rage that come from nowhere and end just as abruptly. (Cannabinoid psychosis anyone?) I am a very attractive woman but who I become (and what has become of me) when I smoke mj OR drink, and especially when I combine the two is rapidly becoming more apparent to me and I don’t like this anymore. I’m losing control.
I need help. I’m thinking of going to NA for the MJ but maybe I’ll stick around here for the drinking as well.
Day one (with a hangover) and counting.
Although I have done my fair share (and more) of cocaine, I truly don’t see that as my demon. My demons are marijuana (daily) and as a result of being stoned I will get drunk as well (white wine mostly) on average two – three times a week. I think my husband is falling out of love with me. I hate myself because I am and have been the biggest factor in the breakdown of my marriage over 10 years yet I feel powerless to stop it. After years of trying to force me to quit smoking weed (except for 4 years when we lived in the Middle East) my husband finally accepted I wouldn’t quit for him and I now smoke openly. But the drinking became a problem for me in the Middle East and that has never truly gone away. Boredom, loneliness, disconnection… And when I combine the two, it’s a disaster. But it doesn’t stop me. I would say I am more of a binge drinker. I hate hangovers with a passion. And when I do have a hangover (two to three times a week), I projectile vomit to a sweating, nothing-in-the-stomach-but-bile end result.
Despite this, I know there is a lot further to fall and if my husband had to leave me at this point I’m not sure what would happen; I’ve started a business but its very new and I’m supporting it more at this stage than the other way around.
I don’t want to leave you with the impression my husband is a saint. He’s also done his fair share of cocaine and alcohol but he loathes marijuana and he definitely doesn’t have a drinking problem. He is a good man, however he has always left me to struggle with my demons alone. He’s very hard that way. And he makes me wrong a lot too. And I think I definitely resent that. I feel like I am not a strong person and I need someone to have my back and I don’t feel that he does. Or if he does, it feels like its out of obligation and that hurts. Despite this I do love him very much yet I think maybe its his disconnection from me which causes me to lose myself so frequently in a haze of smoke and alcohol. Or is it because of said haze of smoke and alcohol that he’s disconnecting from me? Chicken/egg syndrome much?
Anyway, his disconnection is a trigger for me. When he rejects me, is angry with me, makes me wrong, I ‘escape’. I don’t know what to do.
Anyway, I can’t seem to stop. I smoked my first joint when I was 19 and I am 39 next month. I have long passed the stage of getting the giggles or the munchies. Rather, I get reflective and depressed in my thoughts and sometimes trigger an anxiety attack onto myself. Sometimes I will have uncontrolled spurts of rage that come from nowhere and end just as abruptly. (Cannabinoid psychosis anyone?) I am a very attractive woman but who I become (and what has become of me) when I smoke mj OR drink, and especially when I combine the two is rapidly becoming more apparent to me and I don’t like this anymore. I’m losing control.
I need help. I’m thinking of going to NA for the MJ but maybe I’ll stick around here for the drinking as well.
Day one (with a hangover) and counting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 98
As much as I complained about it in another thread, I could not have gotten sober without professional help, including a psychiatrist, in rehab. Can you find an outpatient program that holds you accountable? Or even inpatient. Many people in my program did inpatient first and said it is the easiest way to get clean and sober because that is all you focus on - yourself, getting healthy. I did outpatient and managed to keep my work going and maintain privacy. NA and AA can be terrific support groups, but if you have cancer you don't rely only on the support group for your treatment plan.
Play out the tape, as they say. If things continue as they are, what does your life look like tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years?
Best of luck. Keep coming here but be honest with yourself. Sobriety is so awesome. You have a lot of life left to live, you can live it outside of the cloud of self loathing and drug obsession.
Play out the tape, as they say. If things continue as they are, what does your life look like tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years?
Best of luck. Keep coming here but be honest with yourself. Sobriety is so awesome. You have a lot of life left to live, you can live it outside of the cloud of self loathing and drug obsession.
EnjoyingTheJourney
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,847
Welcome Nicole39! Glad you found us and there is a lot of support, love and advice here. Hope you stick around.
For many years I blamed my husband for my drinking (and so many other things)
And some of that blame was justified. But not all, so...
One day I just had enough and stopped pouring alcohol down my throat. I now take responsibility for my actions and reactions to my husband and life in general. Things aren't perfect but they are better and I see now that covering up my marital hurts with alcohol only made it worse. My life, my body and my brain thank me each day for this beautiful Sobriety.
Take care
For many years I blamed my husband for my drinking (and so many other things)
And some of that blame was justified. But not all, so...
One day I just had enough and stopped pouring alcohol down my throat. I now take responsibility for my actions and reactions to my husband and life in general. Things aren't perfect but they are better and I see now that covering up my marital hurts with alcohol only made it worse. My life, my body and my brain thank me each day for this beautiful Sobriety.
Take care
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Hi Nicole and welcome. This is a good place for you to be. Do some reading when you feel better.
My husband and I drank together for a long time, although I was more of the "drink it until it's all gone" type and he can stop. Candidly, I started dreading going home at night because I was so sick of the cycle - drink/hungover/tired/drink - but I blamed husband for a lot of it.
After reading here for a long time and some other things which happened as a result of my drinking, I realized that I am the only person responsible for what goes into my body. I choose sobriety now, every day. Just for the day. I wake up and say - nope - I am choosing to feel things today, in my right mind.
Things feel chaotic and messy and like some kind of tornado is always about to hit when I am actively drinking - but the truth is - it's me.
Sounds like you have a few big things on your plate: a new business (which is awesome by the way) and concern over your relationship with your husband. Neither one of these big things will be helped in any way at all by drinking. Focus on you first, make a decision for YOU to embrace sobriety, and see what happens.
My husband and I drank together for a long time, although I was more of the "drink it until it's all gone" type and he can stop. Candidly, I started dreading going home at night because I was so sick of the cycle - drink/hungover/tired/drink - but I blamed husband for a lot of it.
After reading here for a long time and some other things which happened as a result of my drinking, I realized that I am the only person responsible for what goes into my body. I choose sobriety now, every day. Just for the day. I wake up and say - nope - I am choosing to feel things today, in my right mind.
Things feel chaotic and messy and like some kind of tornado is always about to hit when I am actively drinking - but the truth is - it's me.
Sounds like you have a few big things on your plate: a new business (which is awesome by the way) and concern over your relationship with your husband. Neither one of these big things will be helped in any way at all by drinking. Focus on you first, make a decision for YOU to embrace sobriety, and see what happens.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Welcome to SR, Nicole39! Sobriety is a better way of life.
I think going to NA is a good idea but I will tell you that anyone who works with you there is also going to expect you to quit drinking and doing coke too. From an NA reading that is read at the beginning of 99.9% of all NA meetings: "Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover."
Wishing you the best today! Congratulations on wanting a better life for yourself and those around you.
I think going to NA is a good idea but I will tell you that anyone who works with you there is also going to expect you to quit drinking and doing coke too. From an NA reading that is read at the beginning of 99.9% of all NA meetings: "Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before we came to NA, many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover."
Wishing you the best today! Congratulations on wanting a better life for yourself and those around you.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 94
Hey, Nicole. My husband is fed up with me too. One of my motivations for being on Day 3. They really don't like us, at all, when we opt to go down the alcohol rabbit hole. And they know they can't change us that we have to make that choice. How can they have or backs if we can't have our own backs?
Wish you well and please don't drink at yourself or your marriage.
Wish you well and please don't drink at yourself or your marriage.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Welcome Nicole, it sounds like you've got the trifecta going with the substances. You definitely have a hill to climb, but it can be done and it requires action and effort. You must have some ambition to have started your own business. Can you try and apply that same ambition to stem your substance abuse?
Some people have gotten sober just using this website, others combine proven methods with the website, some opt for a treatment option. In the end, you will need to take action, and put in the effort. With that being said, I believe you will find the rewards of sobriety well worth it. I doubt you will find a single person on this forum that will disagree with me on that.
Some people have gotten sober just using this website, others combine proven methods with the website, some opt for a treatment option. In the end, you will need to take action, and put in the effort. With that being said, I believe you will find the rewards of sobriety well worth it. I doubt you will find a single person on this forum that will disagree with me on that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 356
Welcome Nicole - I can only speak for myself but I found marijuana and alcohol cross addicting. My favorite buzz was beer and weed together. Alcohol alone or weed alone was not all that great. Since alcohol is legal, I went down that road until I finally had to stop. It is said that one drug will take you back to others and I found that was true for me. Beer made me want weed and weed was no good without beer. I had to quit both to move forward.
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