HopePeace

This scares me and worries me that I will never meet someone. I have always gone out for drinks on first dates and the idea of a coffee "date" or something similar sounds like torture to me as I am shy and have social anxiety. I know that ppl will say the most important thing is you and your sobriety but I don't want to be alone forever. Do people run the other way when you tell them "I don't drink?" Anyone met someone after they stopped drinking who drinks socially and doesn't mind their choice to stay sober?

SickOfIt79

I think you could say a few things that would seem reasonable to reasonable people. " I'll have a coke" , "I don't drink anymore, I'll have a Coke", Those are pretty much the two options without lying or misleading. Also, "I'm taking a break" or "I'm on a diet" would be the most responsible halfway lies, without having to go into too much detail. If they can't accept one of those answers, I wouldn't bother.

zlhzlh

I'm driving tonight....Do you want a lift? X as for social anxiety, go on a date where you are doing something like salsa etc! Good luck

fantail

Well, you can't be with someone who gets super drunk all the time, or someone who doesn't want to date you unless you drink with them. So if you go on a date with someone like that... they're disqualified, on to the next one.

I've done some sober dating and it's a little awkward but honestly not that much more awkward than dating with drinks! It's an awkward endeavor all around. For what it's worth I have two non-alcoholic friends who don't drink. They both have lovely girlfriends who drink and don't mind.

ALinNS

A concern I had years ago as well, I do not have a lot of dating experience even at the age of 53, I married my first love and we were together 24 years, 11 months an affair ended that and I found myself a single parent, stayed single for 7 years and had 18 months of sobriety, met a lady on line, fell in love and we dated for a year however she had a serious drinking issue and chose booze over the relationship and I walked although I do receive a message from her from time to time, signed back up to a dating site and met the lady of my dreams almost a year ago, she doesn't drink as she doesn't like the taste and our relationship is beyond my dreams so it can happen, I think we have to be patient.

Wishing you the very best and I encourage you to not accept anything less than the very best for yourself.

Andrew

doggonecarl

I looked backed at your old posts. There is a common theme...or better yet, call it a lament: What will I do without drinking?

You don't have the answer to that questions, and that manifests itself as fear. Fear of sobriety. Your addiction really has its hooks in you. Go back and read your old posts and the many replies. If you can't believe all the people who are telling you, there is life after alcohol, then nothing I can say will convince you.

Db1105

I sobered up in my teens. Met my significant other at a college party, and she knew I was recovery and a non drinker. It never was an issue because she was not much of a big drinker. The only thing that bothered me was when she let her half full drink go to waste. We've been married 31 years.

madgirl

My sister dated a really hot guy for awhile - very accomplished, successful and did I mention hot? ha ha - anyway - he went to AA meetings several times a week.

Sister drinks and eventually HE broke it off with her.

Anyway, my point is that of course there are sober people out there to date.

yinzer

There are a ton of people out there that don't drink. Go to a movie, go to paintball, take a walk. Do something where you are active so you don't get anxious. Bowling?

jseattle

Honestly, a lot of us try to think about the scenarios where we "need" to drink to give ourselves an excuse to drink. We admit we shouldn't drink regularly but "what about before a public speech" or "what about for a special occasion" or "what about when meeting new people and very nervous." We trick ourselves because our AV is so scared of being drowned out.

Of course you can date without alcohol, of course you can find a wonderful person who loves you even though you don't drink. LOTS of people don't drink, and not just recovering addicts. The sooner you start thinking about what you can do without alcohol vs. what you can't, the better life will be.

SoberLife90

I had the same concern when I first got sober. "Who would ever want to date me?" It's really not a big deal to tell someone that you don't drink, because most people only drink occassionally. Of course at a time us alkies could not imagine living our lives without alcohol. You are going to eventually get used to living your life and meeting people sober. I was also anxious when I woupd meet knew people. We had suppressed all feelings of fear with alcohol and drugs and never had to feel those feelings. For now just stay sober one day at a time.

HopePeace

Thanks guys, guess I just need to be reassured sometimes

justbrowsing

Guys like women that do not drink. You are a cheaper date and they will most likely see you more as a wife and mother if you drink tea vs 6 glasses of wine.
I've done both and see how different it is. I though have a problem that without drinks I seem to project no interest and look uptight and serious. 2 drinks later I am much more relaxed and fun. However, don't wanna go back to that dating.

Venecia

I've dated without drinking and the man I most recently dated knew the reason why. Not a big deal.

I would ask, though, how long you've been sober?

Romantic connections can be difficult and that's why the veterans advise waiting until at least a year to get into "the scene." I think it's sound advice -- focusing on ourselves and getting really steady in our sober selves helps tremendously. We've seen people lose their relatively new sobriety over heartaches plenty of times here on SR. Prioritizing sobriety first helps build a strong foundation.

HopePeace

Thank you, I do understand that but I am not getting any younger lol. Currently I am sober 4 days. I would say 5 but my brutal hangover Friday shouldn't count.

Jtmlk

I think this is a great post, I've also got awful social anxiety and that keep me stuck if I allow it to define me. If I was dating I would love to be with someone who doesn't drink, I also know women who complain to me that they would love to meet a man who either doesn't drink or drinks socially. There are sober dating sites about. With social anxiety you literally have to practise being confident, then feel the fear and do it anyway. Have you had CBT- there's some great online websites.

least

I am currently happily single, but if I were to date, the guy would have to be a non drinker. I just don't want to deal with it in someone else after having so many problems with it myself. And anyone who doesn't want to date you if you don't drink is not worth your time or attention, believe me.