Lightning Bug

I worked over the weekend to make up hours, but no one was there. Today was my first day back. Nobody said anything to me about the bruises on my face. Doesn't mean they didn't notice, but nothing was said.

It was hard for me to be away from this board. Internet is spotty on the phone and I wasn't going to check in from my work computer. I realized this board is going to play a big role in my recovery.

At 3 pm is usually when I start thinking about wine. I briefly thought about it but didn't feel any craving. The only craving I was having was for a cheeseburger! I was starving.

I am now home reading the board and drinking water. Normally I would be drinking now. I feel fine. Still hungry though!

Husband and I talked a little (we carpooled). He said this is his last straw. He told me he took a loan for 5k out and when I screw up again he is either going to use it to take the kids and move out or give it to me to get out. Sigh. I just don't know what to think.

One day at a time.one day at a time.
Day 6.

Bug

ScottFromWI

Glad you made it through the day. I stayed very close to SR in my early sobriety too, sounds like a good plan for you. Do you use anything else besides SR?

My wife put up with a LOT of bad behavior with me when I was drinking and she would have had multiple reasons to kick me out or leave too.

Look at your husbands' ultimatum this way - it's also another chance. He would have been completely justfied in leaving or asking you to leave this last time. You have been given yet another opportunity to prove that you can change. I would make use of any possible resource you can find to make that happen. That might include meetings, detox, rehab, counseling, who knows what - but you must keep an open mind to ANYTHING that will help.

Lightning Bug

Thanks Scott. I am using my psychiatrist, psychologist (addictions counselor), Rational Recovery, Campral and this board.

If I were him I would have left a long a time ago.

I am terrified of losing my kids. If I screw up I will. I have hospitalizations and he has videos - all of which could land me supervised visits every other week. I am more terrified of that than I am about losing the marriage. Sad, I know. But we haven't been "right" in a long time. My fault most definitely.

Changes don't happen overnight. He knows that. He said he knows I am committed. He just wants me to prove it. And prove it I will.

Bug

mns1

You're doing great Bug you got this

Dee74

There's absolutely no requirement for you to mess up.
If you don't want to drink, you don't have to bug

you can do this

D

Anna

I hope that you use this ultimatum as the opportunity you need to do this and to be the person you want to be.

D122y

I feel that your hubby.s threat is brutal.

Losing your kids is a heavy burden.

You are in a very early state of recovery and it is not right for anyone to do that to you.

If my wife said that to me when I was trying to quit I would have lost it.

That is all I dare say.

Get clean. Make some life changes. Stay clean.

Lightning Bug

I was devastated. Still am. Not drinking though. Not even close.

fantail

It's intense, but it's reality. We're ill but we aren't children. It's important that we understand the reality of our situations... Our loved ones can't protect us from the world. Bug, it sounds like you're confronting this head on. You're gonna do it!!

Hevyn

Very proud of you, Bug. I'm glad no one commented on the bruises.

6 days is wonderful, but it's still early - you'll grow stronger and feel much more confident as you begin to heal. We're a bit fragile in the beginning. You're doing great.

StartingOverNW

Sounds like you made it through a very hard day.

But you made it! Thats awesome! I also think your husband's ultimatum was brutal, but it could also be looked at as an opportunity like Scott said. If you fulfill your end of the bargain, things will get better...so maybe focus as a goal on the part where it gets better, instead of what would happen if it didnt?

Easy2slip

Keep it going .. Stay positive and take care of yourself !

Delilah1

Hi Bug,

Glad you had a good day at work. Hope you continue to feel better. Does your husband go to any of your therapy appointments with you? Counseling might be helpful for both of you as part of your recovery, and repairing the relationship.:-)

Fabela

Your husband sounds like my husband. His ultimatum made me want to change things. I hope you can do it too.

Soberwolf

Good job on day 6

Meraviglioso

Oh Hevyn, sorry to single out your post here, but I wholly disagree, your post punched me right int he stomach. I am thankfully not a victim of childhood or domestic abuse but from all that I have heard they have a difficult time reaching out, it could just be that one "nosy" question that saves them. Sorry, OT, but this song immediately started playing in my head when I read your comment. I know it would have been so embarrassing for bug, but sometimes we have to step up to the plate, even in uncomfortable situations. Sadly, the lack of questions could indicate that the coworkers are fully aware of where the bruises came from.


Bug, dear bug, your posts read SO much like mine just months and weeks before I exerted rehab. I so wish for you to find the strength to do this with just the help you mentioned above. That said, I hope you will consider rehab as an option prior to losing your children. I know mine were the final straw for me. I was willing to risk anything at all for my wine, and often times dancing the line with my kids, but they are finally what saved me. I simply had to do whatever it took to get sober and for me that was a month away to concentrate on nothing but recovery. I've posted the link to my recovery thread before, but don't want to be pushy. If you want the link again, PM me or ask me here. If reading on SR of helpful to you and there are not many new threads to go through, go back through some of my old treads from he past 6 months and you will find an embarrassing, sad, and cringe-worthy mess. I was finally able to turn it around. Please, rooting for you here. BIG TIME! You can do this. Sending you warmth and hugs.

Hevyn

Yes, I'm very familiar with that song. I only thought maybe Bug wasn't wanting to explain the bruises when first returning to work. Sorry you felt punched in the stomach - that certainly isn't something I'd ever want to cause.

Meraviglioso

I know Hevyn, that is why I hesitated to post, I know you didn't mean it that way at all, but I couldn't not post, you know what I mean? I know you are a good person and would certainly reach out to a co-worker that you thought was being abused.

sleepie

Have a good day bug, stay strong stay sober.

Meraviglioso

Oh I've been thinking about this all day, my words really came out wrong, even if when I was posting my word were gentle. It was such an immediate reaction I should have taken 5 or 10 minute of thinking before posting.

Anycase, back to the OT, how are you feeling today bug?