ras3737

I have a friend who I worked with for 5 years until he was fired a year ago. 2 years ago, his wife told him to move out. He is very secretive about people knowing this but myself and a few mutual friends know. He very upset about the marriage and i think he blames her even though he doesn't want to talk in real details, I am sure him moving back home is dependent on him getting sober. It is clear his drinking is affecting a lot of his personal and working relationships in our field. I am worried he is near rock bottom. A few weeks after he got fired, he sent me some concerning texts last summer and I was worried about him hurting himself or someone else so I tracked him down to a bar. He played it off as a joke and I am ashamed to say I am the one that apologized and was made to feel ridiculous. Although he seemed giddy that I went to all the trouble. I guess I have always really looked up to him and his approval was important to me. That is part of the problem, he is really charismatic and everybody looks up to him and doesn't want to upset him but I know the signs of depression and know he isn't doing well. He could just say he was lonely and lots of people would be there for him but he expects now for others to make all the effort and act too busy. I am female by the way. When i went to the bar to see if he was ok, I enlisted the help of a mutual male friend to go with me partly because I was anxious and partly because I thought talking to a male friend who had went through a divorce would be more helpful. I now regret not going by myself to talk to him as I think i embarrassed him so of course he played it off as joke. I then tell him not to forget about his old work friends and to keep in touch but give him space because by this time I am contemplating talking to him about alcohol but fear if he knows this he will become unreachable. A few months go by, I start getting harmless but obviously drunk texts. I would always send a joking text back as I didn't want him to be too embarressed to reach out for whatever reason. One of the biggest problems is he won't accept any invitations not bar related and even then he usually prefers to drink by himself or with his standard bar friends. Mutual friends all care about him and know he is depressed and want him to know we want him around so we keep inviting him out. I, on the other hand, really starting to realize this is killing him and want to stop inviting him out.

ras3737

I am the original poster...ran out of room. I am afraid that talking to him about his drinking will not go well because he will just say that I go to bars too so I am a hypocrite. But no one else seems willing to talk to him about this saying he is going to do what he is going to do. I will feel guilty if i don't at least try. I feel his eratic texts were a cry for help so maybe it should be me?

biminiblue

Drunk people send erratic texts. That's par for the course.

You can't save him. He's going to have to figure this out on his own - I'd say that as a female, I would stay way clear of this. He's still married (?) and he may have gotten the wrong idea about your interest in him. When and if he ever wants help, he will find plenty.

I would ask, what do you think you are going to be able to do? Alcoholics will take down anyone within reach. Don't let it be you.

IvanMike

My experience - there is nothing that you can do for him until he is ready to ask for help. I wish there was a nicer answer, but as addicts/alcoholics we are extremely resistant to getting help or stopping until we are ready.

The title of your thread could very well have been "alcoholic - acting normally". That's just how we behave when we are getting loaded.

ras3737

Thanks for the input, BiminiBlue and IvanMike. I have been split on the issue of talking to him as you are right he has misinterpreted my interest and made a pass at me last time I saw him a couple of months ago. So I realize now this is probably a conflict of interest. He sent me a nasty, mean text recently that I expect was supposed to hurt me. He probably feels rejected even though he is married. I haven't answered back. Maybe it is enabling to be compassionate and forgiving and I should not be open to a friendship and ignore him if i hear from him again?