DuhDave

...the chronic relapser...DuhDave. I made it 18 days. That was it. I 'am taking a closer look at my trigger's and without a doubt "Dealing with life on Life's terms" seem's to be in the #1 spot ! I cant do it. As hard as I try...I just cant do it. I think anger issues is one of my biggest underlying problems...and I thought it was depression all this time.
Minor annoyances, I can usually brush off. Full blown confrontations...are another matter. The big problem with these issues is...me. It's just one "D" thing after another...I crave a degree of predictability in what I do. If I work on my car for 2 hours, I expect the problem to be resolved ! Sometimes it does'nt work that way. BIG trigger.

I'am having a time with medical bills and paying off my recent hospital stays. I cant pay EVERYONE at the SAME time ! What I can do within my household budget is never good enough for them !!! Issues with creditors lights me off so quick I'am drinking before I know it ! Big trigger ! Especially when they threaten me.

People. Well all I can say is...people pi** me off! Trying to converse with some people that completely rule the conversation...will not shut up long enough to allow you to respond...and simply NEVER "come up for air" just drive me through the floor. BIG trigger !
I just try to avoid that type. They are far and few between and I have on occasion just turned around and walked off...or hung up.

I never get violent or verbally abusive to anyone. I know to terminate the engagement before that happens so I just keep it within and "Stew and simmer" if you will. That cant be healthy I'am sure.

I dont mean to "Dump" on everyone, maybe a little rant to clear my mind. I'am getting so defeated and deflated...I want so much to stop this madness of drinking but I can only try for so long and I finally say to he** with it....I cant do it.

I've been trying for 5 years. I'am just tired of trying anymore. If it hasnt happened in 24 quit attempts, I guess it just aint gonna happen.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest...just wish I new where to go from here. I'am ready to throw in the towel and just give up on it. Surrender?...yeah that too, but not in the, good...positive way you would think.

DD

AdelineRose

Hey, don't give up! I don't know anyone that got sober and found recovery without falling off the wagon more times then they can count.

Have you considered going to get a full psychological examination? I used to think I just couldn't stand people and had no patience EVER. After I found a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction I found out I have bipolar type 2 disorder. Once I got on the right medicines it became SO much easier to get sober and I realized the whole world wasn't being annoying..it was ME.

Counseling with a substance abuse counselor can also help you identify different ways to change your behavior, how to avoid triggers, and how to wait out the cravings.

strategery

Dave-super hugs, friend. What is your recovery consisting of right now? Are there other options you can add (AA, outpatient, inpatient)?

You can do it, but it doesn't sound like you have the right combination of tools to deal with the emotions you are experiencing.

ScottFromWI

Have you ever sought professional help for your anger issues? If you feel that's the root cause of your continual return to drinking then why not look into it? Alcohol is not the answer of course.

Delilah1

Hi Dave,

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I don't think you want to give up, if you did you wouldn't have posted on here today. I have had many day ones as well, and beginning January 1st I finally got sobriety to stick.

What supports do you have in place? Have you thought about inpatient or intensive outpatient? Whatever you do don't give up.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

❤️ Delilah

Vinificent

Hi Dave - I too have read your posts and I'm with Delilah... you do want to get sober and you know there is hope in doing so. You have experienced sober times and you are excellent at identifying triggers. You got the first part down... now work on those things that make you believe you cannot handle without drinking.

I have had relapses myself and this is the longest I have gone without alcohol in about 17 years, and I now know that every day I make it through without alcohol is better than the day before.

You can and will get to that point.

Make a small commitment that no matter what happens, you will post on the 24 hour page, even of it is only to vent about a crappy day 😉

Stay strong my friend 💪

Soberwolf

Dave before this period of sobriety my previous best was 18 days I know it hurts

Drinking will never answer your problems bud

Lightning Bug

You can do it again. Have faith in yourself. Check out some recovery options. Can't hurt, right? Maybe a psych for the anger? Behavior modification techniques can help.

Hugs friend
Bug

Dee74

Dave I quit from a position where everything was a reason to drink for me - I literally had a drink in my hand from sunup to sunset....

If I could quit so can you

Whats your plan like? I know you post here off and on - what else do you do - what measures do you have to stop yourself drinking and dealing with those innumerable triggers?

D

On The Road

Dave

From your profile, I see that's you have an interest in the history of the Apollo 13 space mission. What would have happened if NASA didn't exhaust every resource it had to rescue the astronauts?

Failure is not an option. Think about that.

Lightning Bug

Nicely said.
Bug

Nonsensical

So what's the plan to fix...you?

You don't actually believe you are incapable of recovery or else you would not have posted. It may feel like you're incurable sometimes, but that is a trick the addiction uses to control us. If you can't be fixed, why try, right? That's just AV bullspit.

I know all about it. At one time I was so convinced I was incurable that I bought additional life and liability insurance to protect my family when the inevitable tragedy struck. Pure AV bullspit.

You CAN do this. Get to work.

Anna

Dave, please don't give up because this disease is relentless and I know you can do this.

Like Dee, when I stopped drinking, everything in my life was a trigger and I was an angry person. You can learn to let go of expectations. You can learn to let go of anger and other negative emotions. You made it 18 days and that's great. I know you will start to see positive results if you continue with your recovery.

Easy2slip

Hang in there!

Is it possible to get a day away or just turn off everything? ......

Seriously, I went a day last week that I did not answer the phone (expect from my wife and boss). I put a message saying I was away at a conference and did not have access to emails or calls.


Hope this helps... or maybe I am out of line trying to help.

So please be well and take care of your self!

DuhDave

You are certainly not out of line Easy2slip. I welcome any and all suggestions and recommendations.

I see your sobriety date is 4/22 and at this point in time, you have more sober time than I have.

Thank You for the input.

DD

DuhDave

OK...the question is, do I have a plan? YES. I have always had a plan. I have never revealed it to anyone but perhaps now may be the time to do so with comment. My plan has been put into place every quit and followed to the best of my ability. Admittedly, there have been day's of non-conformance but rarely. Detail's of my plan to follow in another post.

The basis of my plan is anchored in improving my health, my mental conditioning and my spiritual condition going forward. I have a lot of work to do and it is very difficult. I have neglected "Me" for so long. I know it will not happen over night.

I'am Pro-AA. I do not have a problem with the God thing. As a matter of fact, I embrace it. However...I do not have nor do I want a sponsor walking me through the steps. I'am a very private person and have worked the 12 steps on my own with assistance from online published resources. I have not however carried out some of the amendments to others, other than my immediate family.

I have no drinking friends. I do not hang in bars or with drinkers. I consider myself truly blessed as such ! I feel very fortunate that I have NO pier pressure.

I don't consider myself an isolationist...however I tend to be comfortable in my own company. I play well with my self. I play well with other's...just depends on who they are.

The anger I have, I'am convinced, is focused at me...myself. I want so badly to stop this insanity. I do good for a little while...then...revert back to...me. I'am taking the anger out on myself, however it appears to be spilling out to other's. This is unacceptable. In a word...I'am getting mean and dis-respectful to others and this just cannot go on !

I think a moderated group therapy session may be beneficial . I'am looking into it.

Comments are always appreciated.

Thank You for your time.

DD

Delilah1

Hi Dave,

Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing tonight.

❤️ Delilah

fantail

Dave, for your anger issues, you might look into mindfulness meditation. I know it sounds woo and hippy, but my stepdad used it to get his PTSD from Vietnam in check. He's a very healthy guy as a result but as I understand he had a lot of rage when he was younger and back from the war.

It's not just sitting quietly... there's a whole philosophy to it and many books on the subject, plus meditation centers in most large cities. There's some good science backing it up as well.

In any case... Keep trying. It sounds like you're learning a lot and recognizing things that will help you move forward. It took me so many times to get sober myself. (knock wood)

Soberwolf

you just made me remember my group therapy was moderated the man was a good dude

mecanix

24times ? 50 times ? 100 times ?
Just keep on and don't quit on yourself .

I remember when i was young , i learned to ride a bike . I fell off quite a bit , i had to put my feet down . I failed a lot ..
I didn't get angry , i didn't quit and stay flat on my back crying woe is me , i got back up and got on it again .

You will get sobriety if you want it enough , you fell off 24 times , well thats how it goes sometimes , dust ya self off , lets pray that we didn't hurt anyone or ourselves by falling off .
I have faith that if you want it , you will get it .. in my experience you got to get your knees dirty praying that you can just get through till bed time , you gotta cry and wail because ya miserable and feel wretched .

Learn to back that head of steam down , have a cold shower , literally cool off ..
unclench your fists , loosen off your neck , un-hunch your shoulders ,

keep some wet wipes with you too cool off your face .

sobriety is possible ,

m