overforty

I decided to stop killing myself 23 days ago on the 8th April on my 41st birthday.
I was given a bottle of champagne by my niece which is still in my fridge.
I've thought about pouring it away or giving it away - but I think I want to leave it there to make a point to myself that I do have self control!
If I was going to drink I have a shop just around the corner where I could buy whatever alcohol I wished.

What I'm trying to say is that I think I'm tired of not having any self control!
I decided to break my healthy eating plan yesterday ( I'm trying to eat organic wholefoods ) as I was going out with a non drinking friend for lunch and her poison of choice is junk food!
So I had pizza and cheesecake - far too much of it and this morning I literally feel hungover!

I didn't even enjoy the pizza!
What does it take to realise that my body is literally poisoned after all the years of excess!
Do all addicts have the same pattern?
I would love to find some literature on the subject if anyone could recommend something
x

ALinNS

We had the same supper, friendly cooking comp between my better half and I which we do every weekend, she won

Really inspiring reading a post like yours and hearing you are doing so well and determined, sorry that reading material doesn't come to mind. From listening in Detox and a few meetings, addiction is addiction regardless of what the vice is.

Have a great day
Andrew

Dee74

Overforty - if I had a dollar for everyone who set up that test of strength and then later, on a moments impulse, decided to drink that bottle, I'd be a rich man.

you know what I think is a far greater test of strength?
pouring it down the sink, or giving it away.

Its a classic AV strategy IMO...you rationalise you're being strong but you're committing to having alcohol within easy reach.

I don;t buy the shop on the corner scenario either...if you go to the shop you have a million little microseconds in which to change your mind and abort the mission.

I reckon you're far more likely to drink that sucker in a momentary lapse of reason if it's sitting there at eye level.....

D

Lightning Bug

Please get think about dumping that champagne. You are strong and don't need a temptation looking at you every time you open the fridge for a snack. Why have it so close? It only takes a second to pop that cork and down the lot standing in front of an open fridge.

Hawkeye13

Give it away if you can't bring yourself to dump it.
I bet the administrative assistant where you work might be glad to have it?

miamifella

Yes, they do things like keeping a bottle around for easier relapse, by convincing themselves themselves that the bottle symbolizes something noble like "self-control."

I think getting rid of the bottle would show greater self control than keeping it hanging around.

2ndhandrose

When I quit drinking I had a start date set. The night before I was left with a half bottle of vodka and a small dilemma as to what to do with it.

I decided if I was serious I better pour out. I will never forget the 'glug, glug' of that booze going down the drain.

Most empowering moment ever. At the moment I believed I could do this sobriety thing.

thomas11

I used Ambien for years, it began to control my life. I still have a handful of Ambien pills in the medicine cabinet, I keep them there to show that I have control and discipline. They have been there for 5 years.

MIRecovery

I had self control until I didn't and then it was too late. I'very been sober for a few 24 hrs and my house is still dry

overforty

I know you are all right - but pouring it away or giving it away isn't what I wanted to hear!
For some reason I want to fight it - and prove this stupid point to myself.
But I know ( and it really pisses me off! ) that it's because I don't want to have to accept never drinking again!

Never again just feels too depressing.
I can't deal with that at the moment - it has to just be for now.
I can't bear the thought of having to have clarity 24/ 7!
I have to be honest and say that I really want to be able to just leave my head every now and again.
Even though I know I can't moderate I'm telling myself at the moment that I will be able to in the future.
The wine symbolises that.

I'm talking utter bollocks I know!


I've started to try and tell myself my drinking wasn't that bad.
In my head at the moment my drinking would be fine if I just didn't do it every day!
I feel really confused and not sure that abstinence is the way forward for me!
But I'm not going to drink the champagne - I'm going to give it away!
x

Lightning Bug

When you think of never doing anything again you are thinking in terms of forever. Forever is a long time. We don't have control over forever. We have control over today. Right now. So don't think about never drinking again if that thought depresses you. Think of not drinking today. Or tomorrow.

Bug

overforty

Thanks earthsteps
Yes I can't think about "forever" it's just too much!
I have given myself 90 days at the moment.
I'm not saying I'm going to have a drink on day 90 - I just have 90 days in my head.
Otherwise it's too daunting!
x

Delizadee

To be honest I kept a half finished bottle of vodka for a long time before I got rid of it in early sobriety. That was a help to get me through the fog very early on because I was so dim that I basically ran on auto pilot. I did most of my purchasing on autopilot so it helped me quite a bit being mindful that it was there. No hopping in the van and off to the store.
However I had also tapered off for two weeks or so prior and that took a lot of energy and willpower to do.
It's different for me now having had some sober time under my belt. I can't be around it. Or have just one. The step ups to full blown relapse are so easily rationalized by av.
Get rid of it. It doesn't take much to do us in especially early on.

mns1

I think not drinking definitely requires self-control especially at first. But self-control can require willpower. And willpower is like gasoline in a car -- it will only take you so far before it runs out. Keeping that bottle around is like hauling a trailer of temptation -- it will use up a lot more willpower a lot faster.

Hawkeye13

'tis utter bollacks

give the champ away--shop's around the corner

I know it's really hard to get your head around nevermore, but once it is there,
it's grand

Anna

I think it can be a bit overwhelming to think about 'forever' early on in recovery. It does help somewhat to stay in the moment.

However, I do not keep or serve alcohol in my home, ever. I did feel a pang when we got rid of it all, but there have been sleepless nights over the years when I have been glad I no alcohol in the house. It just makes life simpler.

SSG976

This is my day 1, and if I had anything in the house I would be drinking it right now.

So that is me, cause I feel pretty damn horrible, but I am drinking gatoraide and
just going to get through this day hour by hour.

At least nothing horrible happened this time out for me. I got that and a family on my side.

SR is here for me as well.

lovetolisten

I feel for you in your anguish of "maybe I'm not that bad and I can drink again one day." I have seen many SR posters comment that it mentally gets easier when you just take it completely off the table and stop negotiating against yourself - or actually, your AV. I think you know in your heart of hearts moderation isn't in the cards especially since you describe quiting as saving your life

Berrybean

I bet there are plenty of places that could raise some money for a great cause with a bottle of champagne to raffle. Helping a charity or local school or hospice or similar would surely make you feel great.

You know, there's likely to be plenty of challenges coming up in early sobriety without building yourself more obstacles than you need to deal with.

You know that confusion, and talking bullocks thing? That's your AV (addictive voice) trying to reason with you. It'll do that a lot if it's anything like mine was. And this is where this forum, and AA proved lifesavers for me. They would call me out on my own BS that I actually believed myself. It can feel pretty insane. Hang in there and keep posting. We're all here for you and will help you recognise that AV when it comes whispering. I found it really hard to recognise mine at first, it was so cunning and sneaky. But generally, any time that I thought it was a good idea to be near alcohol or put myself in drinking situations, or with my old drinking buddies, it was lurking thereabouts. It also took me a while to realise that arguing with it or attempting to banish it were both pointless. The best thing to do was expose it to someone else, and have a good laugh at the bugger. That was hard at first as I wasn't very good at laughing at myself, but I'm getting better at it now that I know how effective it is.

overforty

Thanks for the replies
But to be honest I'm crying right now - not about the stupid champagne but just about the fact that I have to stay present and in my own head all the time!
It's exhausting
The stupid champagne represented a time when I was better - when I recovered from this addiction.
And I'm not sure why, but I think it's just hit me that I will NEVER be better!
This ******* thing is going to be with me forever!
I'm not sure that's better than drinking.

I'm just not sure of what the point of not drinking is at the moment.
I made a list earlier.
And the best thing about being sober is my anxiety is much less.
And I don't feel hungover.
But I just feel so miserable.
All of the misery I had when I was drinking is still there - it's just more glaringly obvious!
And instead of being too hungover to do anything about any of it - I just don't know where to begin.
I'm tired of my own complaints!
x