madgirl

That thread title looks harsh, but it's what I am wondering.

Why can some people just enjoy a drink or two while out with friends - and we can't?

I know my spouse probably thinks I'm weak or weird that I can't have a few beers nonchalantly without turning it into drinking ALL the beers or instead of a glass of wine, the entire bottle.

What slick marketing, alcohol industry, that you've somehow managed to turn the social landscape in which we as adults dwell in your domain.

I've managed 43 days of sobriety thus far, but I have gone virtually nowhere except the grocery store and a few (day) visits to immediate family. My son was just telling me the other day that I need to get out, hang out with human friends (the dog and I are best buddies right now ) and I realized all my neighbors and "friends" get together to DRINK.

Ugh. I don't like feeling like I have some kind of weakness or that I am so defective I can't handle being near a freaking beverage.

nomis

Hmmm, well, defective is harsh, but how about having a chemical imbalance in the brain.

George Koob calls it a stress-surfeit, pleasure-deficit brain disorder. Or, as he sardonically puts it, we're double winners!!

yinzer

I think it will get better where you can socialize without drinking. The first few months are the hardest.
And there are plenty of social situations that have nothing to do with drinking. Look for meetup groups?

To answer your question, maybe we have a bit of a defect if you want to look at it like that. Some people have diabetes or heart disease or bunions. We have this, but it's manageable if we are vigilant.

FLCamper

I think of it as my glitch, sounds better than defect!
Personally, I think there are worse glitches to have. I can live without alcohol.
We all have shortcomings and this is mine.
I would love to go out and drink with friends. I just can't. It will kill me.
I don't understand workoholics or compulsive gamblers but if someone tells me that's their glitch, I wouldn't bet them or ask them to work overtime.

Lonelywombat67

There actually is DNA that makes one more vulnerable to alcoholism. It makes sense. Why would some families have a higher percentage of members who succumb if that weren't true. There are also studies that show some ethnic groups are more sensitive to alcohol poisoning. I suppose it is a combination of that and circumstance. I didn't want to drink after watching my parents' example, but my first serious boyfriend was a beer drinker and I wanted to keep up. I quit in my 30s but a major depressive episode got me started again in my 50s. I think education should be improved to warn against the pitfalls for certain at risk individuals. In high school they brought in an old broken down alcoholic man to give us a lecture in our gym class. All I remember is the guys making fun of him and snickering in the back row.

Soberween

The way I look at it is... everybody has their ****! I have friends who can't do stuff due to say MS, cancer, obesity, etc. So if I can't drink alcohol with the neighbors due to my "alcohol allergy," I will take that any day of the week over these other ailments. They say that if everyone were to put their problems into the middle of the table and choose one to take, most people would grab their problems back. You are pretty early in sobriety and there will come a time when you will be able to join your neighbors, friends, etc. without alcohol and have a wonderful time. I went out last night with a bunch of friends who were all drinking and I laughed my ass off. It does get better, but you have to work a program of recovery that allows for you to have contented sobriety.

Turtle76

Hi madgirl... this is a great question and one I struggle with right now too... especially since I started attending AA and some of the language in the literature makes me feel less than. The way I am lookin at it is that my brain chemistry is "different" than others. There is nothing I can do to change this. Just like I cant change the fact that I have fair skin and must avoid the sun or get burned. I would love to lay out and get a rich tan like some of my friends, but the reality is I will look like a lobster and be in pain. So umbrellas and hats it is for me.... you see what im saying?

I am trying also to adopt an attitude of gratitude for my "problem." The way I see it, is I now get to live this awesome life filled with self examination. I have to get to know myself so well, that I know when my mind is trying to play tricks on me. Which at this point in early sobriety, is daily for me. This is a gift. Not everyone takes the opportunity to live an examined life, but its a must for the alcoholic, and for that I am grateful.

I know AA is not for everyone, and I am still not sure its for me, but is has helped solve my problem of isolation that I was feeling. All my friends are drinkers too and none of them truly understood what I am trying to accomplish. It feels good to be in a room with others who understand and make new sober friends. It also feels good to get out of the house.

firstymer

I noticed something surprising in the 3 years I have been here at SR. Yes, we may have a "condition" that keeps us from being able to drink "normally". But, in getting to know all of you better, my theory is that despite our "condition" (or maybe BECAUSE of it?) the alcoholics I have met here seem to be smarter, kinder and generally more interesting than the people I encounter in the "real world". So, I think we are overall no worse off than anyone else.

madgirl

Thanks all. Turtle you hit the nail on the head - I already felt "less than" and now "more so less than" ha.

I have to get to know myself so well, that I know when my mind is trying to play tricks on me.

Yeah that's the problem - if my brain is defective, how can I trust it?

lunar

No expert here.
An addiction is an addiction.
We want to feel real good all over,
no matter the consequence(s).

We don't.
Our AV does.

Venecia

Firstymer, even though I couldn't pick the people on SR out of a crowd, I agree that they are some of the most wonderful people in my own universe.

Couple thoughts: Get as active as possible on SR. This is a wonderful community, brimming not only with support but with recommendations for getting better.

I embraced many tools that members of our community suggested. One was that I think of alcohol as an allergy. And that made a fair amount of sense to me, particularly as a member of my extended family has life-threatening allergies to nuts. I thought of how much his parents love him and the lengths they go to in order to keep him safe. I decided to love myself. And keep myself safe.

You're not defective and either am I. I cannot drink, though, because it would jeopardize my life.

strategery

Are diabetics defective because their bodies don't handle blood sugar?
I don't think that anyone with alcoholism is defective, it's just that we're wired differently to where alcohol has to be avoided for us. It's like any other health condition that has to be managed.

Lonelywombat67

I was tested as having pretty high IQ when I was young and yes I'm smart (in some ways) but not successful. I think there have been studies that link the creative person or intelligent person with a predisposition to alcoholism. I identify with the description below.* I can get sober and then be plagued by so many thoughts and desires to accomplish things that I can't handle it. It's like I need an off switch. Even when I'm working on something creatively, it's hard to just settle back and relax when I need a break. So I'm working on finding ways like meditation, exercise, etc. to deal.
*Over the last 55 years, in the U.S. and U.K., several studies have been conducted that show a direct relationship between childhood intelligence and adult alcohol consumption. Controlling for a huge plethora of factors, the study reveals that it is intelligence itself that influences alcohol consumption, not all the things that accompany intelligence.

So, does this give us free reign to drink as much as humanly possible and chalk it up to us being uber intelligent? Um, no. It does however, show a correlation between unique thinkers and substance abuse. Many studies have also shown that musicians and artists over indulge in drugs and alcohol not just because of lifestyle choices, but to slow down their incessant thought processes.

mecanix

I have a glorious opportunity to live a sober life ,
have better relationships,
never have a hangover,
Have better finances,
make better decisions,
I have the option to not imbibe the second most common carcinogen,

I am happy, i am free ,

Alcohol has still got it's fingers in you and sounds like it is trying to strangle your joy,

keep on with sobriety and escape it's clutches further,

Alcohol just caused me frustration, misery , illness and pain .

Why me ? of all the millions in the world , why not me ?

focus on the misery it caused and the freedom you have now and it becomes uplifting rather than a burden .

Bestwishes, m

Mountainmanbob

I went next to no where except for AA meetings and then over to my Sponsors house for the first couple months of sobriety. But, I was pretty torn up and did not wish to return to my running with the liquid devil.

Also please note
your dog probably prefers you sober
mine sure did.

Mountainmanbob

madgirl

I am not struggling with the concept of not drinking anymore. I am struggling with the assertion that this makes me somehow weaker than everyone else, and I am angry that "normal" means you can have one or two drinks and walk away. What a cluster and what a ginormous scam the alcohol pushers have created in modern adult life.

What about this article? I thought she made some interesting points.

Hi, my Name is Holly. And I'm NOT an Alcoholic*. (*Because there is no such thing.) ? HIP SOBRIETY

(I hope that link works -never tried posting a link in here)

least

I'm not defective, I just can't drink like some people do. I don't miss it anymore. I am too busy living a good life sober and won't mess it up by drinking.

tomsteve

its a sign of strength for an alcoholic to recognize the problem and stop drinking.

theres no weakness in being an alcoholic in recovery. many people couldnt imagine going through some of the things we go through and do it sober.

Dharma33

its a sign of strength for an alcoholic to recognize the problem and stop drinking

madgirl

Please allow me to reiterate. I am not wishing for a drink. I agree with you - yes, everyone around me probably likes me better sober, including my dog.

I just am bucking the concept that my not being able to "handle" alcohol makes me different than "normal" people. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling less than - when it's possible that the very society I live in is "less than" because of its dependence on alcohol.

That article references the fact that since alcohol is legal and accepted, if you as a human admit you can't handle its intoxicating effects, you are an "alcoholic". Would you call someone who quits cocaine a "cocaine-aholic"? Would that junkie need to go to someone's "cocaine cellar" and admire their vast collection of cocaine? Would the junkie have to go to a wedding and see an open bar full of lines on a table? No.