doggonecarl

It takes some measure of integrity to recover. The integrity to not let the rebellious 12-year-old inside us to act out on impulse. It takes integrity to not seek instant gratifaction--which all alcoholics and addicts do--and to wait until what comes, comes in its own time. And it takes integrity and a level of honesty to recognize that at some point we have to quit BS'ing ourselves about alcohol and just accept it can't be a part of our lives. Off the table, completely. And not changing our minds when the idea of a few drinks pops in our heads.

biminiblue

I am very sensitive to anyone using any form of control with me. Very. Sensitive.

It has not served me to have to be right.

I was the one who's picture was posted next to "Wild Child" in the dictionary - and it followed me into adulthood, too. I also do not like any forms of control or "help."

"We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap." ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Family Afterward, pg. 125~

I had to learn that (as they say in the rooms) "What other people think of me is none of my business." It doesn't serve me to become self-destructive because of something someone else does, says or thinks. I mean, what is that? It's not like I can do anything about what they do, say or think.

I just have to let it go when someone steps on my little toes.

helgav

I know, I need to stop being a baby and build up that resolve, you are right.
I would not let a 12 year old run my life..so why am I letting the 12 year old in me run mine?
Food for thought thank you carl

helgav

biminiblue, I don't care what people think of me, it's when they try to control my actions. As in recently I was at a christening and hadn't drank for ages. As soon as I walked in the place one of my sons shouted "I'm getting the drinks..you can have anything non-alcoholic" across the room!!!
I hadn't even thought of drinking alcohol, but soon as he said that my back was up..and I really wanted a "proper" drink. Childish I know.
I should learn to let things wash over me more

biminiblue

Well, I submit that you DO care or that statement would not have the ability to get your "back up."

What others say cannot "make" me react in a way that is against my stated goals and beliefs. That to me is recovery.

Recovery is that moment between a gut reaction and a negative action. With practice it becomes who I am.

helgav

Yeah you are right. If I didn't care, It wouldn't have mattered that I thought he was telling everyone in the room that I have a problem with alcohol haha
Not that they didn't already know, they were mostly family and I've made a show of myself at enough family "do's"
It was the fact he was "TELLING" me, when I would have asked for an orange and lemonade anyway. So yes, I cared as well that he thought I couldn't be trusted to make my own right choice.
I may have cared that everyone was drinking and I "couldn't" and he amplified that fact.
If I'd really truely put any conviction behind not drinking again, I would have just been grateful he offered to buy me a drink!

ru12

Hi. Maybe read Allen Carr's book on drinking. I kept drinking because I thought that there was some value in that behavior. Once I saw alcohol for what it really is you couldn't pay me to drink it.

helgav

I read it ru12 (haha..ru 12..yes, but only in my head)
Thats the trouble, I read it, paid heed for a while, then forgot about it again. I have it on my tablet, I might read it again. I do need conviction to carry out what I think in my sane moments, carl is right.
I let the stuff I should be taking taking to heart wash over me, and the stuff I should let wash over me, I take to heart..it's all twisted! My logic is twisted

dwtbd

Sounds like just in the last day or two you have gained some insight that can and will help in cementing that conviction.
So much for ole dogs and what we are incapable of
You stated your conviction and resolve are in good stead for today and tomorrow, and it certainly sounds like that is the case. The idea that what you feel today regarding future consumption will or can be defeated at some uncertain time in the future , I believe, is the AV reacting to and undermining that resolve , squash it now, even if just brushing that worry to the side with "well we'll see when /if the time comes ".
Send it packing now , never change your mind about your resolve in the 'Now' and let future now worry about themselves.
Rooting for ya

helgav

Thanks dwtbd, things have certainly cleared my head talking with people on here. I believe you are right, too, start building up and making clear to myself, to my AV, that there is NO possibility in the future I will back down from my resolve not to drink. Being unsure, can only be giving it a crack to seep into. Thank you
I have to go now. Thank you to everyone who has taken time to me and your good advice

ru12

i see alcohol as poison. I see no value in drinking it at all. I only see it as leading to suffering. maybe give old Allen another go.

As one of my favorite posters on here, hi least!, says you will stop drinking when you want to be sober more than you want to drink.

madgirl

Just deal with today, and focus on saying "nope - I choose sobriety" today.

helgav

I will ru12
Thanks for replying madgirl, but I need to look beyond "today".
I need to start rebuilding, again, and I cannot keep the resolve to do it AGAIN (rebuild) if I am doing it a day at a time, and can be knocked down again in the future.
I know some people, it helps the "day at a time"
But it just disheartens me. I would love to never want to drink again ..ever.
Failing that, to just not drink again ..ever (doesn't matter about the wanting to or not..as long as I don't)

helgav

You people have been such a help to me today. I know I said it in an earlier post, but you have been. You have made me see what I was missing. The one part of the jigsaw I couldn't see, but it was right there, under my nose.
I knew my AV, Beast, addiction was strong and I thought I had it covered from whatever angle it came at me.
But I didn't think, couldn't see, how drink was managing to ambush me.
Well, not drink, there were no bottles of vodka in camouflage gear, jumping from hidden crevices,holding me down, unscrewing themselves and pouring themselves down my throat.
Sabotaging myself, would be a better phrase. My Beast, in disguise as what had been my saviour, my stubborn bloodymindedness "me"...I thought that was "me" but it was my AV.
Thank you as well, for pulling me up on what turned out to be my self deception (I don't care what people think of me )
And my lack of integrity, self honesty, lack of commitment to long term abstience, loyalty to impulsiveness and instant gratification.
I am very grateful, and I mean that, for making me take a long hard look at myself.
Now, I don't think "I have tried everything"
But I also don't feel so hopeless that I will ambush myself again..as I have a lot to work on

Soberwolf

Good job bud