joandmelandhan

Hi I am a 44 year old single mum from the UK. I have been drinking heavily for far too long (can put away 2 bottles of wine a night and blow zero the next day for work). This is my fourth attempt at stopping since February. Normally I last 5 - 7 days (until the severe withdrawal wears off) and then think "hey I feel better I can drink again!" stupid, stupid, stupid. I know I am in physical poor health. I have a near permanent ache in my right side (liver I assume). I have 2 jobs (an accountant and I need to concentrate very hard for this) and 2 children(who I love like mad). This "functioning" alcoholic is on the verge of it all going horribly wrong....
I have been under the radar of social services in the past so simply cannot go to my GP as I am TERRIFIED of being reported. I really really want to have a go at getting further down the road of recovery before I get my bloods done etc. I don't think my withdrawal is at a danger level. Days 1 and 2 were awful (foggy, itchy, anxiety, feelings of doom, insomnia, stomach upset etc etc) but I still went to work and coped somehow. Days 3 and 4 have eased a bit (anxiety, tearful and still got the runs)
I am keeping fairly busy with household things (got a new kitchen fitted last weekend - Jesus - timing or what!) and trying to slowly get the house back in order and do normal "mum" things.
I have a boyfriend who stays every night but doesn't live with us permanently. He likes a couple of cans of lager on a night which is okay with me. He asks first and as long as he doesn't get drunk it is fine with me. He is lovely but doesn't really know what a pit of alcoholism I am in. I'm just so damn sneaky.....
Anyway, I really don't trust myself but know this is the only way for me - sobriety that is. I genuinely look forward to the sober life. I did 8 months a few years back and never felt better.
Problem is I have child free nights when my ex has my kids and I've NEVER been sober then. Tonight is one of those nights......
The little devil inside is soooo loud. ("no one will know, its a Friday night, you'll sleep it off in the morning etc etc). All lies. I'll probably end up drinking off and on all weekend and start Monday withdrawing again.
It feels a little better typing this even though I don't know if anyone will even read it.
My girls deserve a better mum. I deserve a life. I can't attend meeting as I work and have no childcare but perhaps this site will help....I truly hope so.
Just want to say hi to others struggling too.

Dropsie

I hear you -- we all do.

That addictive voice is so sneaky -- no one will know, whats another few days, etc etc etc.

But the problem is that you will know and when Monday comes starting over will just be harder.

Think of how happy you will be if you can kick this to the curb for good -- you deserve to be happy and your girls deserve to have a happy Mom.

There are lots of great threads about cravings, but a friend told me a great trick -- if your mind is obsessing about drinking, stand up and twirl around 10 times. It breaks the thinking patterns and the dizziness helps.

You can do this.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.

Anna

I'm glad you found us and that you are ready to commit to sobriety.

I can really relate to being home alone and craving alcohol. That was the hardest time for me. Maybe you can plan ahead so that on the nights when you are alone, you could do something different to help break the habit for you.

Soberwolf

Welcome JMH its nice to meet you

thomas11

You may not be quite a sneaky as you think, I only say that because many of us thought we were getting away with it....we weren't. The first couple weekends are the hardest, if you can find something to occupy your time, it will help. Most of us can also relate to "feeling better" and therefore think it won't be as bad the next time around, as you know, that's usually wrong too. Wish you luck.

graced333

Hi - my story short version. This is what alcohol and pills did for me: lost great job after showing up drunk (thought I would NEVER do that), lost my license after a suicide attempt (thought I would NEVER do that.)Children stopped talking to me and I was not allowed to see my grandchildren AT ALL(thought I would NEVER be in that position). Caused a scene in public - acting like a total silly fool(thought I would NEVER do that). Entire family and friends aghast and not having a clue how to help. Went to rehab with help of loving sister and finally stopped the using. Age 60 now and climbing out of the hole I had dug. Grateful and feeling so blessed today. PLEASE stop now. Your loved ones and YOU do not deserve that life....

firstymer

Thank you for your post. And welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us.

Indulge me for a moment - Look ahead to Monday morning when, presumably, you will go back to work, have the kids back, and will have your regular routine to help you.

Imagine how you will feel if you get through this weekend without drinking. You will be on Day 7. You will feel incredibly proud. And you will have built an excellent foundation for getting sober - for good.

Or, you can drink, go back to Square One, and deal with all of those feelings (guilt, anxiety, dread) that we experience after a weekend of drinking.

You can look at this weekend as a looming black cloud, where the temptation to drink will be unbearable. Or you can look at this weekend as an opportunity. To feel good about yourself and your future.

You can do this.

Zufrieden

What Firstymer said!
Knuckle through this weekend (it will pass) and you will feel so empowered. Drink and it's back to where you were.
The AV will recede into the distance if you are u relenting in your sobriety.
I hope you have a strong weekend.
Jonathan

ccam1973

Welcome to SR JMH. Like the others have said, you will know if you drink. Doesn't really matter what anyone else knows or thinks, this boils down completely to you. YOu can only control your actions. If you want to get sober, then you've got to commit.

Trust me, you won't regret the hard work this is going to take. You absolutely can get your life back. No more daily life revolving around drinking. You can do this, but you've got to commit to yourself.

When you drink, you're only hurting you.

Plenty of us here will tell you ... If I can do it then anyone can. I truly believe that. This isn't easy, but definitely doable and worth the effort you will put in.

You're strong enough to get your life back.

Lean on us as much as you need to help you through the tough spots.

doggonecarl

You are new to SR so you don't realize that your post would be read and responded to with advice on how to get though the coming night and weekend sober. That is, if you checked back and read the replies.

SR works as a support to your decision to get sober IF ITS USED. Posting, "I'm afraid I'm going to drink all night," then disappearing almost guarantees that you are going to succumb to your addiction.

I hope you come back. Many first time posters don't. Come back, read around, and realize that sobriety is possible. Accept you can't drink, ever, and come up with a plan to support that decision. For example, what you are going to do instead of drinking the next time you have a kid free evening.

Dee74

Welcome aboard joandmelandhan

There's tons of support here - I'm glad you found us

D

amazingjoy

Hi joandmelandhan! Welcome to another mom on here! Glad to hear from you and I'm sure you can find lots of support here!

joandmelandhan

Hi all. Thanks for your lovely and supportive words. What I forgot to mention was that last night was also my nephews 18th birthday party. I went. I drove. Lots of drinking and dancing around me. I came home sober. I am still sober this morning!!!!!!
Don't get me wrong I cried like a baby when I got back coz I wanted a drink so bad but I did it!
Day 5 today......keeping it nice and steady. Got chores to do and maybe a walk and cook a nice dinner. That'll do me nicely 😀😀😀

dreamsneverend

Shows a ton of willpower that you could stay sober even in a drinking atmosphere. Should be plenty to carry you into Week 2

Delilah1

Great job choosing to be the designated driver!! You are closing in on a week, and that is a fantastic milestone.

Welcome to SR, looking forward to being on this journey with you!!!

Everydaysabonus

If you want to do this you will, it gets better I promise.

Fabela

You're doing great!

joandmelandhan

Just had a long read about the beast and my AV. Found it really very helpful and will continue to soak up such stuff. I'm already separating myself from the AV (even just a little each time). The logic of it appeals to my geeky mind (lol)
Anyway the sun is out and I'm blitzing my bedroom (pairing socks oh joy!)
I will keep checking in as it really is helping. Thank you to all.

ben83

Jo and Mel and Han ? Are you 3 people ha ha. Good luck giving up the wine is so easy to put away in the evening. Do it for the kids I have 2 myself and don't want them growing up watching me drunk.