mrv99d

I recently (Thursday) entered the second rehab facility that I have ever been in to detox after a 3 day bender following the 4th of July. I'm only 20 and still taking classes and studying at a prestigious Midwestern Jesuit University, and am currently taking online summer classes. I'm finally fully detoxed and sitting in the facility's television room mindlessly watching a movie. I have been through this process before and I want to leave, telling my parents when I got here that would be leaving on Sunday afternoon. I want to attend outpatient to gain the tools to succeed in my sobriety as I've previously had 6 different patches of 3 months sober. I'm anxious, cannot stop crying about leaving. I miss my family, my dog, my girlfriend and decent food. I have not really eaten in several days as a result. Been browsing this site for awhile and finally decided to post tonight because I needed someone to talk to.

Bekindalways

Welcome MRV. So glad you found this site.

It sounds like you have been battling this for awhile which is pretty amazing in itself. However, it doesn't make it much easier.

Do whatever you can to beat this horrible disease.

Others will be along to chat soon.

needsupport31

I've gone on bad binges too and probably have needed inpatient rehab but never had the courage to commit and have (I guess) been lucky enough so far that no one has forced me. I know how you feel since who you are while on your bender is NOT who you are right now, sober and clear headed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope when you get out, which you will soon it sounds like, you get the help and support you need to be able to fight the addiction. I know how fun it is in the beginning, and coming down is always absolute hell. Ive repeated this cycle so many times and it makes no sense to me why because I know how awful, embarrassed and ashamed I'll feel when the binge is over. I do it anyway.

Today is only my second day sober but I have faith this time. Not sure why, but I feel optimistic. Please keep in touch as I could too use a friend who knows of the ups and downs of partying and wants to turn their life around.

Coldfusion

Welcome, mrv88d!

DO whatever it takes to kick your addiction! It may be inconvenient or uncomfortable, but your University career and entire future are at stake.

mrv99d

It is quite interesting how it started once I started partying and joined a fraternity. The occasional drink or two became the occasional binge or two, then one morning about 18 months ago after a heavy night out I woke up vomiting profusely and shaking like a man possessed. It was completely horrifying and from there on out I've been dealing with long periods of sobriety ended by short binges and the problems of withdrawal that follow. I always want to get sober and still do, yet somehow I always get the notion I can beat this as easy as I always have. This time was different, even after detoxing at home for 2 days then drying out the rest of the way here I have this crippling anxiety and feeling of impending doom I can't quite understand. I just want to get home and cuddle in bed with my girlfriend. I want to go home.

needsupport31

I get the crippling anxiety too afterwards where I just want to be in bed with my husband having him tell me everything will be ok. It never happens because he's usually pissed for me being so irresponsible, understandably. So the anxiety and doom feeling for me I'm pretty sure is strong shame and guilt and loneliness. I know my behavior is not ok and pisses my family off, still when I decide to drink idgaf about any of that. It's selfish and wrong and I know it.

I also get the terrible hangovers. Literally puking for two days. Don't feel normal again for usually three at least. I'm 5'7" and 120 but can drink more than anyone I've ever met. It's insane. Not good at all.

I hope you get back home soon to snuggle with your girl. Love like that is great medicine when you're sad. I get it.

mrv99d

Ditto on the small size big ability to drink. I played Division 1 tennis my freshman year and was small at about 6'3" 170 when the only thing I did was occasionally smoke weed before a weekend meal to increase calories (dumb I know) but the last two binges and the subsequent depression and lack of eating had me drop to about 150 pounds. I look and feel weak. The last two binges I went on I drank about 2 handles worth of vodka in 2 days plus some miscellaneous beer, blew a .352 when my friends found me in my apartment with a black eye and facial scratches. I'm lucky to have a girlfriend that understands but its difficult at age 20 to convince my parents that I have the desire to change FOR REAL this time when its been such a pattern and I've said it all before. It is definitely not that I don't belong with these people, because I probably should. But there is something unsettling about being around heroin addicts that discuss nothing but the joys of dope and tell war stories about drinking. Inpatient is like being cooped up in a jail, except not a single person in there has the possibility of being innocent. We are all addicts in here, and that scares me too. I want to feel safe, and I don't. This was supposed to be a nice facility but we've found bedbugs in 2/7 rooms and the attached halfway house got busted for fentanyl the day I got here.

ZenLifter

It really sounds like you have a serious problem with alcohol, my friend. And you're only 20. I feel for you, I do. I understand your anxiety and that you don't feel safe where you are, but it still must be safer there than being out drinking vodka and having a BAC of .35, no?

I really hope you take this seriously and do EVERYTHING you can to stay sober. I have been reading about something that occurs with binge drinking called "kindling", you can probably google it. Every time you detox from another binge the anxiety and feelings of impending doom get worse. I hate to think of anyone having to go through that.

Prayers and ((hugs)) for you, my man . Feel better and take action to overcome this thing!

uncorked

Your bac was .352??? You're lucky you're still alive!

Would you go to a different rehab if the one you're at right now seems sketchy? I went to rehab for 7 weeks and I was terrified the first few days. I cried the whole way there. But after a couple days I settled down and it wound up being the best thing I ever did for myself. You are only 20 years old -- 1 year older than my triplets -- and have your whole life ahead of you. I know it's hard b/c your friends all party. I drank a lot in college myself. But it sounds like you've taken it to a whole other level and could do some serious damage to yourself... or die. Please check back and keep us posted here.

mrv99d

Already read all about kindling in a previous detox at home where I scoured this site and learned a ton about addiction, hedonic set point, the disease model and the usual information one picks up over the years. But I know everything I need to after multiple detoxes and reading/watching/learning from everything regarding it. I know I am lucky to be alive and its a scary thing to wake up with an apartment in disarray and a slew of bodily injuries I don't remember picking up. The daytime is not bad at all with the sun out and people around but late at night the guilt and impending doom sets in. The trazodone they are giving me now and when I leave are helping but I just know this is the last straw. I will die if I relapse.

mrv99d

I decided that outpatient would be the best bet for me and the insurance agreed to cover it, which is not always the case. I have work to pay for my loans and apartment as well as classes so a long-term inpatient was out of the question. Missing my parents, girlfriend and dog has never been an issue before. But I find myself as someone who has never cried before, simply bawling my eyes out every night I am here..

FreeOwl

It sounds to me like your addiction accelerated very hard and fast.

You have also been through this before.... and yet here you are again.

At your age, you have a lot of potential ahead of you..... maybe getting back out and into the environment that accelerated things is something to reconsider. Maybe dumping the fraternity is something to consider.

I hope you use this emotionally raw time to take the time you need, get all the support you can, and turn this around in a sober life before things get a lot worse.

obosob

I wish I had stopped at 20.
41 now.

Look at your surroundings for real.
For there is no doubt you will be the same, telling war stories.

This, for you, right now, is a gift !

Good luck

sugarbear1

If you are serious about staying stopped (which you haven't been able to do yet and you claim to have the knowledge you need for this...), then maybe focus on relating to others who are there and focusing on the positive aspects.

This alcoholism is a thinking problem; not a drinking problem.

All the knowledge won't change us, we have to start living sober and to begin thinking more soberly. If knowledge was all we needed then we'd just need a book and maybe a class to take instead of rehab centers!

Start now and listen well, talk with a counselor or other people about your emotions and what is really going on with you. I don't do emotions well, It's just part of my alcoholism.

Begin now to live sober, focus on the moment and what you can do now. Be present in this moment. Learn to think more positively. Find out what you will need to do when you do get home so that you can begin to heal and so you can stay stopped.

Alcoholism is progressive, even when we aren't using alcohol to numb ourselves.

I have 5 years of sobriety, but if I chose to drink tomorrow, I would be drinking the same amount I did about 5 years ago, which was non-stop drinking.....

Practice sobriety now, practice meditation, practice positivity now. Relate in with others instead of relating out with the others.

I hope you choose to learn to live sober now. You have so much to live soberly for!!!! Keep moving forward!

mrv99d

Thank you for the replies everyone it helped me fall asleep alright last night for the first time since I got here. I will be leaving the facility but following the advice in here I have decided to get a counselor and go through with outpatient. I really want this to be the last time, and I know this time it can be.

tomsteve

keep us informed of how its going,eh?

Wtbaf16

MRV I know you won't agree but you are a very lucky person. You are only 20 and still have some much of your life ahead of you. You haven't yet destroyed your marriage, family, or career, with your excessive drinking. Don't allow yourself to turn into many of us on this site. I'm 54 and still struggling. I'm destroying everything I have and don't seem to be able to stop myself. Day 5 sober for me, I hope it continues.

Do you want to be 54 and writing to a 20 year old with support on how important it is to get their act together NOW before it's too late? Please don't. Get out of rehab. Get help. Study hard. Be successful. Love life. But always remember your struggles which will keep you humble. Don't be me. Don't be here when you're 54 wishing you had read the warning signs and acted when you were 20.

Think about my words. I really wish I had access to this site when I was 20, wish i had the wise words of others who had gone before me. My god, I'm 54 and a mess. How embarrassing is that? Don't be me. Please........ Get off this drunken life-cycle now and enjoy your life and what could be a great future. The world really is your oyster - relish it!

mrv99d

I think thats part of what is helping me is the prospects I still have for the future. I still have my family, my girlfriend and my schoolwork which thankfully did not suffer as that was the only thing other than alcohol I cared about. The few AA meetings I have been to inside the facility (that I am leaving in a few hours) taught me that it was not the environment that I was around that was the problem in me staying sober, but it was my fault instead. I had prioritized alcohol over relationships, family, and even food at times. I am ready to move on with life and get back on track.

ZenLifter

I don't think it's helpful to see it as your "fault". Blaming ourselves didn't help any of us get sober. Rather see yourself as a sick person trying to get well

Yes, do keep in touch. Let us know how you're doing. We're all here to help each other out