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Sorry. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.....
What I was trying to say is I know what you mean about getting caught up in our efforts to simplify our lives, to get everything right. To have time for everyone and for myself. I overthink everything, trying to please everyone, trying to act normal when I feel sick all the time. Trying to be everything to everyonr. So, I get lost in the mix. And, I get tired. And, I lose my way. And I use.
All roads seem to lead to the same place. I hear the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. If that is the case, then I am batsh** crazy on all levels with no excuses for myself. I truly want to change my behavior. Try something different and see if I get a different reaction. Like the butterfly effect. I'd like to flap my sober wings and see if I can feel the universe ripple.
What I was trying to say is I know what you mean about getting caught up in our efforts to simplify our lives, to get everything right. To have time for everyone and for myself. I overthink everything, trying to please everyone, trying to act normal when I feel sick all the time. Trying to be everything to everyonr. So, I get lost in the mix. And, I get tired. And, I lose my way. And I use.
All roads seem to lead to the same place. I hear the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. If that is the case, then I am batsh** crazy on all levels with no excuses for myself. I truly want to change my behavior. Try something different and see if I get a different reaction. Like the butterfly effect. I'd like to flap my sober wings and see if I can feel the universe ripple.
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Ugh, i can't get my posts right today. I am afreakin mess. And nothing im saying feels like it makes any sense. I feel like I'm having a nice little mini meltdown for the whole wotld to see. I'm so frustrated with myself right now!
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SugarA: It sounds like you could use a good retreat. I really do think you are on the right mind path in being aware that you are trying to be too many things to too many people all at once and feeling like you end up coming up short for yourself and what is truly BEST for YOU. I'm not saying ditch people and just stick to yourself, but people *will*suck*you*dry* if given half a chance; even the people we love the most and who we know love us the most. I'm a work in progress for sure, because I find myself feeling like I need to cheer others up as well as prop them up at the same time...and find myself feeling like, "Whew, why am I feeling sort of drained right now?"
Well, it is usually because I gave something of myself...not just 'regular' energy...but something MORE that I cannot find a word for...but I gave a "piece" of myself...and then I feel there are times when I just need to recover in a healthy way instead of looking for the short answer in a substance to "pick me up". Does that make sense?
I over-think because it's partly the way I'm wired, but also because I've been in too many situations in which I had to think of various possible outcomes as part of the "nature of the beast". Don't know how to change the "beast" or if I should even attempt to do so (probably not)...so I am left with changing mySELF, which easier said than done too....
Maybe tomorrow you will take a retreat day to your kitchen and reconnect with food in a positive healthy way...you have to eat!! Part of any good recovery plan is eating a healthy diet.
Well, it is usually because I gave something of myself...not just 'regular' energy...but something MORE that I cannot find a word for...but I gave a "piece" of myself...and then I feel there are times when I just need to recover in a healthy way instead of looking for the short answer in a substance to "pick me up". Does that make sense?
I over-think because it's partly the way I'm wired, but also because I've been in too many situations in which I had to think of various possible outcomes as part of the "nature of the beast". Don't know how to change the "beast" or if I should even attempt to do so (probably not)...so I am left with changing mySELF, which easier said than done too....
Maybe tomorrow you will take a retreat day to your kitchen and reconnect with food in a positive healthy way...you have to eat!! Part of any good recovery plan is eating a healthy diet.
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Thanks for the advice, Ttree. I am going to eat and regroup.
It sounds like you have a lot going on, too. Especially at work? Maybe I'm misreading your posts, but you sound drained, hon. Are you doing ok? This posting thing goes both ways, ya know, and if you want to vent or anything, let it fly. You and everyone here have helped me so much with tons of advice, so if I can say something to help you, I'd like to try. You sound like you spread yourself way too thin like I do. Also sounds like you know some of those emotional vampires you speak of, too. Happiness just sometimes feels like it's always just out of reach. You know?
Listen to me, trying to give out advice.
Thanks, Ttree. Pretty cool.
It sounds like you have a lot going on, too. Especially at work? Maybe I'm misreading your posts, but you sound drained, hon. Are you doing ok? This posting thing goes both ways, ya know, and if you want to vent or anything, let it fly. You and everyone here have helped me so much with tons of advice, so if I can say something to help you, I'd like to try. You sound like you spread yourself way too thin like I do. Also sounds like you know some of those emotional vampires you speak of, too. Happiness just sometimes feels like it's always just out of reach. You know?
Listen to me, trying to give out advice.
Thanks, Ttree. Pretty cool.
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Thx SugarA...well, one thing that has been weighing heavy on my heart and soul is that my daughter may be moving far away to be with her (serious) boyfriend...and shoot-she's in her mid '20's now, but she is still my baby, if you know what I mean. Even though they cut the cord at birth, they do not warn you or prepare you for the fact that the cord to your heart will never be severed. Well, I don't know that anyone can prepare a parent for the beyond strong feelings that go with being a parent. But, what can I do? If that is what she decides to do, I can't stop her. But, I still worry about her safety, you know? Anyways, I've tried not to dwell on it, but I know it's not good to hold these strong feelings inside either, so I've been venting some here and there...
Glad you are eating. Recovering alcoholic George Jones said once that a turning point for him was when he started eating again. He did not realize how malnurished he was when he was still drinkin'.
Oh yeah...work is demanding....but part me feeling drained is just life and could be hormones, who knows...I AM thankful that I feel appreciated and fulfilled where I work and honestly, I've got great bosses...it's just the nature of the beast that you do what you do and deal with what you deal with...it goes with the territory...I've reconciled with it many a time....If you have any words of encouragement, I'd welcome them...
Glad you are eating. Recovering alcoholic George Jones said once that a turning point for him was when he started eating again. He did not realize how malnurished he was when he was still drinkin'.
Oh yeah...work is demanding....but part me feeling drained is just life and could be hormones, who knows...I AM thankful that I feel appreciated and fulfilled where I work and honestly, I've got great bosses...it's just the nature of the beast that you do what you do and deal with what you deal with...it goes with the territory...I've reconciled with it many a time....If you have any words of encouragement, I'd welcome them...
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Ido, t! I actually have some encouragement and even some words of advice! Yay! I'm so excited!
So, about your daughter moving. Thats really tough.Its hard to let them go. You always want to protect them and keep them safe, and you feel like no one can do that better than you. Now, i am not a mother, but my brother is 15 yrs. Younger than me. And, when he was born, my mom was in her serious crack and drinking phase. So, here I was at 15, changing diapers and feeding a baby. I didnt know anything about babies. But, i muddled through. My point is, I pretty much raised him until my mom got sober, then she took over. But i got to have that mom experience to some degree, and he feels more like my son than my brother. Anyway, he is 31? And, a while back, he met a nice girl, and they got married. His first wife passed from a heroin overdose, but I digress...
Anyway, his wife lives in Cancun, and we live in the states. So, he moved to Cancun to be with her. It was really rough at first for my mom and I. We missed him. My bro is no saint, and he can be a real butthead, but still, it was like something was always missing, wrong. Off. We skyped and called all the time at first. And my mom was real sad and teary for a while.
But then guess what? We settled into a routine. We have set times now to skype. We talk on the phone less. You just settle in after a while. And he comes home to visit all the time. He has a daughter now. Shes nine months old. I just want to eat her up!
But, we can see hes happy. And settled. And i think ghats what helped my mom. Knowing he was safe and happy. But it took time. Much like recovery. Or anything else that hurts. I think its one day at a time. But is shes happy and settled i think your mind will ease slowly. And then youll still miss her daily presence, yes, but youll have peace of mind.
Hope i did ok.
So, about your daughter moving. Thats really tough.Its hard to let them go. You always want to protect them and keep them safe, and you feel like no one can do that better than you. Now, i am not a mother, but my brother is 15 yrs. Younger than me. And, when he was born, my mom was in her serious crack and drinking phase. So, here I was at 15, changing diapers and feeding a baby. I didnt know anything about babies. But, i muddled through. My point is, I pretty much raised him until my mom got sober, then she took over. But i got to have that mom experience to some degree, and he feels more like my son than my brother. Anyway, he is 31? And, a while back, he met a nice girl, and they got married. His first wife passed from a heroin overdose, but I digress...
Anyway, his wife lives in Cancun, and we live in the states. So, he moved to Cancun to be with her. It was really rough at first for my mom and I. We missed him. My bro is no saint, and he can be a real butthead, but still, it was like something was always missing, wrong. Off. We skyped and called all the time at first. And my mom was real sad and teary for a while.
But then guess what? We settled into a routine. We have set times now to skype. We talk on the phone less. You just settle in after a while. And he comes home to visit all the time. He has a daughter now. Shes nine months old. I just want to eat her up!
But, we can see hes happy. And settled. And i think ghats what helped my mom. Knowing he was safe and happy. But it took time. Much like recovery. Or anything else that hurts. I think its one day at a time. But is shes happy and settled i think your mind will ease slowly. And then youll still miss her daily presence, yes, but youll have peace of mind.
Hope i did ok.
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About the job stuff. My mom and you should post lol. She hates her job, but respects whst it brings her. Like you she sees drama at work as a necessary evil, and frustrations with co workers as par for the course. When my mom gets home from work, she doesnt answer her phone for anyone from work. She has set these boundaries so she can have time to mentally detox and disconnect from all the negativity at work. She also watches her fave tv shows anc eats ice cream. Maybe the sgar thing is genetic.
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Thx for advice and words of encouragement. So, you've been there...you've needed to learn to love and care from a distance...and it can be done...I know I will adjust to whatever I need to adjust to...I truly do worry about her safety...and I was a bit of a basket case when my kids took off for college...maybe because I knew the way I was in college...and the trouble I got in as well as some close calls...luckily, she had her big brother and his friends all older than her looking out for her...because she can be like an absent minded artist type...she is 25, but looks like she could still be in high school with that sweet baby face...we have always been very close...
Well, work is work and I'm thankful for it...sometimes you have to be a "Scarlett" and sometimes you need to be a "Melanie", depends on the situation and people involved! I just don't want to end up like Aunt PittyPat! ... neurotic and fainting all the time...of course, back then they didn't have Ativan for little old neurotic ladies, but they did have smelling salts...(ammonia) Seriously, there are a TON of lessons to be learned by observing other's character traits and how they handled certain things...Rhett had good insight, even though he was a rake and a scoundrel...he was still a good man! Rumor has it that Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh did not get along well in real life and it was difficult for them to work together...she almost had a nervous breakdown over it and became a chain smoker...I sometimes wonder if playing the role of Scarlett triggered her manic-depression or if because of her manic-depression she was perfectly suited for the role of Scarlett. Sweet and charming at times and evil lady in red at other times...
There I go, analyzing again...
Well, work is work and I'm thankful for it...sometimes you have to be a "Scarlett" and sometimes you need to be a "Melanie", depends on the situation and people involved! I just don't want to end up like Aunt PittyPat! ... neurotic and fainting all the time...of course, back then they didn't have Ativan for little old neurotic ladies, but they did have smelling salts...(ammonia) Seriously, there are a TON of lessons to be learned by observing other's character traits and how they handled certain things...Rhett had good insight, even though he was a rake and a scoundrel...he was still a good man! Rumor has it that Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh did not get along well in real life and it was difficult for them to work together...she almost had a nervous breakdown over it and became a chain smoker...I sometimes wonder if playing the role of Scarlett triggered her manic-depression or if because of her manic-depression she was perfectly suited for the role of Scarlett. Sweet and charming at times and evil lady in red at other times...
There I go, analyzing again...
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Analyze away, t. Seriously. I really enjoy your posts.
I did hear that about vivien Leigh and Clark Gable not getting along. As for the role of Scarlett making her bipolar, i think your right about her already being that way to begin with. Thats why she was so good at the role. It takes one to know one right? Might not have been a big stretch for her to play tnat role.
And Rhett? I so loved him. Rake is the perfect word for him. Like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. Smooth. Sexy. Mischevious. I love the old school men of cinema, too. Richard Burton, william Holden, Laurence Olivier, Errol Flynn. And my all time fave Cary Grant. Oh, and Jimmy Stewart. Gene kelly, too.
But Cary was the best. Suave, sexy, classy. And, i love the way he talked. Bringing Up Baby with him and Katherine Hepburn is one of my favorite movies. And Rear Window with Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly. Those were really great movies. Really great times. Things seemed like they were easier, kinder back then. I wish I could have lived in the black and white era. Or the Golden Age of cinema. Whatever you want to call it.
Nowadays, we don't have actresses and actors in the same sense. Now we have Celebrities. Like the Kardashians, the real housewives, Paris Hilton. People famous for their bad behavior rather than for talent. Where are the classy, cool actors like the old days? I do love Sandra Bullock. And Charlize Theron. There's some real old school class in those gals.
Wow, i feel like im coming up for air. That was a hella long ramble.
Good thing you didn't mention Lucille Ball. I have many, many things to say about her. Good things. I love Lucy lol. She is a fellow twisted ginger sister. I'll have to ramble about her and Desi sometime.
ok, im done. Are your eyes glazed over yet?
I did hear that about vivien Leigh and Clark Gable not getting along. As for the role of Scarlett making her bipolar, i think your right about her already being that way to begin with. Thats why she was so good at the role. It takes one to know one right? Might not have been a big stretch for her to play tnat role.
And Rhett? I so loved him. Rake is the perfect word for him. Like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. Smooth. Sexy. Mischevious. I love the old school men of cinema, too. Richard Burton, william Holden, Laurence Olivier, Errol Flynn. And my all time fave Cary Grant. Oh, and Jimmy Stewart. Gene kelly, too.
But Cary was the best. Suave, sexy, classy. And, i love the way he talked. Bringing Up Baby with him and Katherine Hepburn is one of my favorite movies. And Rear Window with Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly. Those were really great movies. Really great times. Things seemed like they were easier, kinder back then. I wish I could have lived in the black and white era. Or the Golden Age of cinema. Whatever you want to call it.
Nowadays, we don't have actresses and actors in the same sense. Now we have Celebrities. Like the Kardashians, the real housewives, Paris Hilton. People famous for their bad behavior rather than for talent. Where are the classy, cool actors like the old days? I do love Sandra Bullock. And Charlize Theron. There's some real old school class in those gals.
Wow, i feel like im coming up for air. That was a hella long ramble.
Good thing you didn't mention Lucille Ball. I have many, many things to say about her. Good things. I love Lucy lol. She is a fellow twisted ginger sister. I'll have to ramble about her and Desi sometime.
ok, im done. Are your eyes glazed over yet?
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Im here, i guess. Maintaining at best right now. I got resource list from ins. And i am going in for an assessment. Then they will give me an addiction counselor, therapist, and meds if need be. Im really scared of going because i know once i do, pandoras box will be opened, and once you open it, ya cant close it again. Its hard to willingly let a stranger root around in your mind and tell you whats wrong with you. Id do al ost anything to get out of gettibg help. But im just too miserable not to give it a try.
I have a nice shiny new recovery plan. And its vastly different from the last one. This one i can do. I think thats why im so scared. Its so hard for me to open up and let people in. Yet its the very thing i want most to do. Scary.
Ugh i hope this made sense. Im in a really funky headspace right now. Cant go back. Terrified to go forward. Awful place to be. Like Purgatory for freaky underwater basket weavers like me.
I really hope therapy works.
Hugs.
I have a nice shiny new recovery plan. And its vastly different from the last one. This one i can do. I think thats why im so scared. Its so hard for me to open up and let people in. Yet its the very thing i want most to do. Scary.
Ugh i hope this made sense. Im in a really funky headspace right now. Cant go back. Terrified to go forward. Awful place to be. Like Purgatory for freaky underwater basket weavers like me.
I really hope therapy works.
Hugs.
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Hi, Ttree.
I was just thinking.....I havent posted here in a few days, so this thread mustve bee buried a few pages back. The fact that you took the time to look for it and ask after me was really nice of you. It means a lot to me. Thank you.
Ok. Just wanted to tell you that.
I was just thinking.....I havent posted here in a few days, so this thread mustve bee buried a few pages back. The fact that you took the time to look for it and ask after me was really nice of you. It means a lot to me. Thank you.
Ok. Just wanted to tell you that.
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Hi sugar Angel how are you going? I've been addicted to opiates for years. I still am 
I'm going through breast cancer treatment at the moment, chemo, and still can't stop taking them and now isn't the time to quit as I feel so yuck anyway.
I have quit before and it was so hard. I understand. I'm also trying not to drink it's been a few days. Ugh!
Anyway just thought I'd lend you some support. I understand the opiate withdrawal thing. I described it to someone as its like being naked standing in the snow for hours, it's awful.
I'm going through breast cancer treatment at the moment, chemo, and still can't stop taking them and now isn't the time to quit as I feel so yuck anyway.I have quit before and it was so hard. I understand. I'm also trying not to drink it's been a few days. Ugh!
Anyway just thought I'd lend you some support. I understand the opiate withdrawal thing. I described it to someone as its like being naked standing in the snow for hours, it's awful.
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Hi Sunsetstar
Yes! It feels exactly like that. Great analogy.
I am so sorry for what you're going through! I can't even begin to imagine. I feel for you. I really hope everything will be ok.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free, ok? It helps me a lot to talk to other people like you and everyone here because you get how I feel. And I get how you feel. That's an amazing thing.
You are in my prayers.
And I'm doing ok for this moment. I was thinking about a Netflix binge. That sounds really good. Finally able to watch a little tv and actually pay attention!
Thank you, Sunsetstar.
Yes! It feels exactly like that. Great analogy.
I am so sorry for what you're going through! I can't even begin to imagine. I feel for you. I really hope everything will be ok.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free, ok? It helps me a lot to talk to other people like you and everyone here because you get how I feel. And I get how you feel. That's an amazing thing.
You are in my prayers.
And I'm doing ok for this moment. I was thinking about a Netflix binge. That sounds really good. Finally able to watch a little tv and actually pay attention!
Thank you, Sunsetstar.
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