Just lost
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I think this may be the toughest thing I've ever done. And scariest. But, I need some adxice, guys. Please.
Today has been a really awful, weird day. But it is a catalyst, too. Today, I finally realized that I am completely helpless over my addictions. And, I can't fight this fight alone anymore. Everyone here is really amazing and kind, but I just realized today that I can't do this alone anymore in my f to f life.
I am going to need inpatient treatment. Or something like that. But, I don't know where to start. Do I call my insurance first? Is there somewhere on the web to look? A number I could call? I just need a jumping off point. A place to start. I just simply really don't know what I'm doing.
This is just way bigger than me, and after today, I really see that.
Please. Any advice on how to start the process would be so great.
Thank you.
Today has been a really awful, weird day. But it is a catalyst, too. Today, I finally realized that I am completely helpless over my addictions. And, I can't fight this fight alone anymore. Everyone here is really amazing and kind, but I just realized today that I can't do this alone anymore in my f to f life.
I am going to need inpatient treatment. Or something like that. But, I don't know where to start. Do I call my insurance first? Is there somewhere on the web to look? A number I could call? I just need a jumping off point. A place to start. I just simply really don't know what I'm doing.
This is just way bigger than me, and after today, I really see that.
Please. Any advice on how to start the process would be so great.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
SugarA:
I would probably start with calling your insurance and see what they will cover, etc. Also, you can talk to your Dr. about it and that you think you need rehab. and he/she should be able to get you hooked up somehow. If I were in your place, I'd go for rehab. if at all possible. I don't think you'll regret it! Hang in there girl. Getting clean and sober is not easy; it's hard, but you can do it. Big hug!
I would probably start with calling your insurance and see what they will cover, etc. Also, you can talk to your Dr. about it and that you think you need rehab. and he/she should be able to get you hooked up somehow. If I were in your place, I'd go for rehab. if at all possible. I don't think you'll regret it! Hang in there girl. Getting clean and sober is not easy; it's hard, but you can do it. Big hug!
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Originally Posted by sugarangel 
Aww. Thanks TTree. I always like reading your posts. They always seem to come at just the right time, too. Thanks for the encouragement. And advice. It was much needed. I had a really, really rough go of it yesterday.
Anyway, on with day 5. I can't believe I'm here. Thought I was going to die in wds lol. I am just glad some of the physical stuff is going away. Now comes the mental stuff. That is the really hard part for me. The cravings and the mind tricks. That voice in my head whispering all the time that I could maybe moderate this time. Wondering if someone I know has any. Wanting to call my doc for refills. Ugh.
Switching topics...I Think what killed me most about Scarlett was she could never see what she really had until she lost it. Like Rhett. Or that she would always want what she couldn't have. Like Ashley. You're right. She was vain, and bratty and selfish. But, I do love her. She is a classic.
I did not know that about Vivien Leigh. I find that really interesting. I love the old school gals of cinema. Katherine Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman, Greta Garbo, Barbara Stanwyk. And my three personal faves. Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Paige, and the queen of them all, IMHO, Grace Kelly. Now, those were women. Smart, sexy, messed up, and mostly unapologetic for it. I love them for that. I know Bettie Paige was a pin up girl, among other things, and not an actress,
per se. But, I added her because she personifies her era so well. Plus, she was crazy as hell, but found a way to use her crazy to her advantage. Good on her.
And Marilyn and Grace. They are the perfect examples of the 2 basic female archetypes. The Madonna and the *****. By society's standards, women are always either one or the other. The girl you booty call. Or the girl you take home to mom. A Marilyn or a Grace. I always aspired to be a Grace. Smart, strong, classy, independent. And, marrying a prince wouldn't be the end of the world, either. But, alas, and big sigh, I am a Marilyn. Messy, moody, vulnerable, and easily used. I thought I could change that. become a Grace. But sadly, personality never lies. I will always be a Marilyn. Never a Grace.
Ok, I'm done rambling. Hope some of that made sense. It is really, really freaking early here, and I am loopy from lack of sleep. I hope you are doing well.
Happy Sunday, everyone.
"Hasta La Vista, Baby" - Arnold again
Anyway, on with day 5. I can't believe I'm here. Thought I was going to die in wds lol. I am just glad some of the physical stuff is going away. Now comes the mental stuff. That is the really hard part for me. The cravings and the mind tricks. That voice in my head whispering all the time that I could maybe moderate this time. Wondering if someone I know has any. Wanting to call my doc for refills. Ugh.
Switching topics...I Think what killed me most about Scarlett was she could never see what she really had until she lost it. Like Rhett. Or that she would always want what she couldn't have. Like Ashley. You're right. She was vain, and bratty and selfish. But, I do love her. She is a classic.
I did not know that about Vivien Leigh. I find that really interesting. I love the old school gals of cinema. Katherine Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman, Greta Garbo, Barbara Stanwyk. And my three personal faves. Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Paige, and the queen of them all, IMHO, Grace Kelly. Now, those were women. Smart, sexy, messed up, and mostly unapologetic for it. I love them for that. I know Bettie Paige was a pin up girl, among other things, and not an actress,
per se. But, I added her because she personifies her era so well. Plus, she was crazy as hell, but found a way to use her crazy to her advantage. Good on her.
And Marilyn and Grace. They are the perfect examples of the 2 basic female archetypes. The Madonna and the *****. By society's standards, women are always either one or the other. The girl you booty call. Or the girl you take home to mom. A Marilyn or a Grace. I always aspired to be a Grace. Smart, strong, classy, independent. And, marrying a prince wouldn't be the end of the world, either. But, alas, and big sigh, I am a Marilyn. Messy, moody, vulnerable, and easily used. I thought I could change that. become a Grace. But sadly, personality never lies. I will always be a Marilyn. Never a Grace.
Ok, I'm done rambling. Hope some of that made sense. It is really, really freaking early here, and I am loopy from lack of sleep. I hope you are doing well.
Happy Sunday, everyone.
"Hasta La Vista, Baby" - Arnold again
Marilyn Monroe: She was sexy as heck, huh? But her death has always haunted me. Did she OD by accident or on purpose? Guess we'll never know, but it was tragic and she was still young...however I read somewhere that she still had low self esteem despite her beauty and FAME...and her many special 'connections', including the president...She put herself out there was a sex symbol like no other...BUT...she really aspired to be thought of as a really good actress and she never felt "good enough"....so..there are times when we are sort like a Grace..and times when are more like a Marilyn...
Vivien Leigh...Wow...she was something else...let's see. oh she was married to famous actor, what's his name.(Lawrence Olivier?)..it was known by her friends that when she was manic she had certain insatiable appetites and ended up cheating while filming a movie...in one movie she played a woman who found out her husband was actually gay...Streetcar Named Desire, I think it was...Okay now, see I'm not the only one who rambles...
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Thanks Ttree.
I had the same idea, so I called my insurance. I have a different ins. company for mental health/addiction issues than I do for medical, and it's not that great. They don't cover inpatient, but they do cover addiction counseling, therapy, ouypatient, etc. So, they are sending me a resource list, a d I will start calling around as soon as I have that. I also made appt. with doc., but he can't see me until next month. Nurse said they were full up until then. So that's where I'm at right now.
To be honest, I can handle detox w/o help. The physical part, I mean. I've done it enough times to know what to expect. FULLY AWARE. I scream and rage through it,and whine like a toddler. But, I know it won't kill me. My problem, I think, lies after the sickness stops. That is what I really need help with. Long term sobriety. I need someone to sit on me and tell me what to do. Or something.
Do you think that's an ok start for a recovery plan? I'm struggling to figure out where I fit in.
I have no long term goals except one. Maybe, someday, if I can get like a year of sobriety or more, I'd like to re enroll in culinary school. I really want my life back.
Thanks for checking in on me. It means a lot.
I had the same idea, so I called my insurance. I have a different ins. company for mental health/addiction issues than I do for medical, and it's not that great. They don't cover inpatient, but they do cover addiction counseling, therapy, ouypatient, etc. So, they are sending me a resource list, a d I will start calling around as soon as I have that. I also made appt. with doc., but he can't see me until next month. Nurse said they were full up until then. So that's where I'm at right now.
To be honest, I can handle detox w/o help. The physical part, I mean. I've done it enough times to know what to expect. FULLY AWARE. I scream and rage through it,and whine like a toddler. But, I know it won't kill me. My problem, I think, lies after the sickness stops. That is what I really need help with. Long term sobriety. I need someone to sit on me and tell me what to do. Or something.
Do you think that's an ok start for a recovery plan? I'm struggling to figure out where I fit in.
I have no long term goals except one. Maybe, someday, if I can get like a year of sobriety or more, I'd like to re enroll in culinary school. I really want my life back.
Thanks for checking in on me. It means a lot.
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I hope you are doing ok, yeah?
Thank you, Thomas. I'm trying. Ireally want this. I have people that I love that I need to be around for. Be there for. For me, that's more important than anything. Need to be sober for that.
Thank you, Thomas. I'm trying. Ireally want this. I have people that I love that I need to be around for. Be there for. For me, that's more important than anything. Need to be sober for that.
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Also, i believe you can call treatment centers and they will do an assessment to understand your needs. Can you look into some, get a recommendation from a friend or from employee assistance program (if you have it?) you can seek out programs and find out what insurance programs they take, etc.
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Originally Posted by sugarangel
. I'm trying. Ireally want this. I have people that I love that I need to be around for. Be there for. For me, that's more important than anything. Need to be sober for that.
I hear you about what happens after detox and when you are done feeling sick. That IS a very vulnerable time...and temptations will come...dealing with the temptations and triggers and having a plan for what you will do you run into those situations is important; someone you can call; something you can do to cope. For myself, it's learning how to better deal with stress and expectations.I am a recovering perfectionist and have been a perfectionist pert near all my life...I don't know if I can just get rid of that trait, but I'm working on it. For me, I feel more tempted to find an escape when life around me is chaotic and disorganized, so having a good routine and being somewhat organized helps me feel better at times....but there are some areas in my life that would be better if I can somehow let go and let God more...I guess there's not so much wrong with wanting to perfect some things, but perfectionists sometimes have an all nothing mindset and approach-which I'm not knocking other people who do that...giving your "all" to something that brings a higher purpose in life can be a wonderful thing, but there are hidden dangers in feeling like you have to be "perfect" all the time. I don't know if that is one of your issues, but it sure is one of mine.
Learning to forgive yourself and love yourself as a beautiful soul is something I think we could all benefit from.
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Just passing through to say please hang in there. Many have been where are you and if you go through the sickness and pain now you will never have to again. If you don't, you are only holding out on the inevitable- some day you will have to go through it (assuming it doesn't put you in an early grave) and the longer you wait the more heartbreak and pain will be there for you.
One day, hour, minute at a time. I know it isn't easy but you can do it!
One day, hour, minute at a time. I know it isn't easy but you can do it!
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Thanks, Kitty and Kelly. You both have really good points.
Ttree - Girl, you give me so much to think about! Keep rambling away. I so enjoy it when you wander in here and share your insights.
The things you said about perfectionism really struck home with me. I'm that way too. I always feel like I have to be "on" for people in my f to f life. Everything from the outside must always appear pdrfect and in place, when really underneath it all, I'm a mess.And, I always want to do things right the first time. Flawlessly. And, when I don't, I get really frustrated with myself. I am really hard on me.
As for Miss Vivien, I am now fully intrigued, and am going to google her. Thanks for giving me something fun to do!
And Miss Marilyn. I loved her vulnerability, and her fragileness. Because, despite that, and her many fears and insecurities, she managed to make herself one of the most remembered and loved woman of all time. She was the ultimate dicotomy (sp?). Sex and innocence. She was amazing.
And, yes, she was sexy as heck!
On a serious note, I have decided to wait for resource list before doing anything else. Because, I know that if I call some of these places, people usually will open up if you are honest and heartfelt, and give you advice about ways to work around your insurance. Or tips that can help me get the care I need. I am not worried atm about using, there is nothing arojnd. I made sure of that. And the bottle up in my kitchen cabit is gone. I poured it down the toilet. But the smell almost did me in. Glad it's gone.
The weekend is almost here, and I plan on hopefully having a quiet weekend. I am tired, and I've kinda hit a wall. And, I still have mad, terrible brain fog. And, Sunday is Mother's Day. I have to be "on" for that. And bake a cake.
Any feedback on my recovery plan/ journey so far is welcome. I can use all I can get.
Thanks, you guys. You're awesome.
Ttree - Girl, you give me so much to think about! Keep rambling away. I so enjoy it when you wander in here and share your insights.
The things you said about perfectionism really struck home with me. I'm that way too. I always feel like I have to be "on" for people in my f to f life. Everything from the outside must always appear pdrfect and in place, when really underneath it all, I'm a mess.And, I always want to do things right the first time. Flawlessly. And, when I don't, I get really frustrated with myself. I am really hard on me.
As for Miss Vivien, I am now fully intrigued, and am going to google her. Thanks for giving me something fun to do!
And Miss Marilyn. I loved her vulnerability, and her fragileness. Because, despite that, and her many fears and insecurities, she managed to make herself one of the most remembered and loved woman of all time. She was the ultimate dicotomy (sp?). Sex and innocence. She was amazing.
And, yes, she was sexy as heck!
On a serious note, I have decided to wait for resource list before doing anything else. Because, I know that if I call some of these places, people usually will open up if you are honest and heartfelt, and give you advice about ways to work around your insurance. Or tips that can help me get the care I need. I am not worried atm about using, there is nothing arojnd. I made sure of that. And the bottle up in my kitchen cabit is gone. I poured it down the toilet. But the smell almost did me in. Glad it's gone.
The weekend is almost here, and I plan on hopefully having a quiet weekend. I am tired, and I've kinda hit a wall. And, I still have mad, terrible brain fog. And, Sunday is Mother's Day. I have to be "on" for that. And bake a cake.
Any feedback on my recovery plan/ journey so far is welcome. I can use all I can get.
Thanks, you guys. You're awesome.
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Thx for sharing yet one more amazing ramble!
I can truly relate to having to be 'on'. In my professional life and sometimes in my personal life. But, maybe having to be so 'on' in my professional life makes it so that on my days off I really really want to be 'off' and don't want to be bothered, but that's not always realistic as when I am at home there other types of expectations...like what's for dinner and does the laundry need to be done and when am I going to get a work-out in today? So, I just try to simplify which isn't as "simple" or easy as I think it SHOULD be...why, in the process of trying to simplify I can even get hung up on how to simplify; what takes priority; what should stay and what should go and how to get things done that need done and still have enough energy left over to just do something fun and relaxing. And, the older I get the easier I get distracted, which makes me feel annoyed with myself!
So, yeah, Sun. is mother's day and sure there are expectations with that...baking a cake can be a chore, but the last time I baked a cake for a special occasion I just told myself I was going to have fun with it and enjoy the process and aroma, etc. So, I did enjoy it and so did everyone else and homemade cake is so much better than store bought, so it was worth it. One of my favorite desserts to make is homemade strawberry short cake...however my short cake is a recipe I just made up and is more like a real sweet biscuit/muffin dough. And real whipped cream is the only way to go and so easy to whip up. Life is Good, Do what you love; love what you do and eat something yummy!
I can truly relate to having to be 'on'. In my professional life and sometimes in my personal life. But, maybe having to be so 'on' in my professional life makes it so that on my days off I really really want to be 'off' and don't want to be bothered, but that's not always realistic as when I am at home there other types of expectations...like what's for dinner and does the laundry need to be done and when am I going to get a work-out in today? So, I just try to simplify which isn't as "simple" or easy as I think it SHOULD be...why, in the process of trying to simplify I can even get hung up on how to simplify; what takes priority; what should stay and what should go and how to get things done that need done and still have enough energy left over to just do something fun and relaxing. And, the older I get the easier I get distracted, which makes me feel annoyed with myself!
So, yeah, Sun. is mother's day and sure there are expectations with that...baking a cake can be a chore, but the last time I baked a cake for a special occasion I just told myself I was going to have fun with it and enjoy the process and aroma, etc. So, I did enjoy it and so did everyone else and homemade cake is so much better than store bought, so it was worth it. One of my favorite desserts to make is homemade strawberry short cake...however my short cake is a recipe I just made up and is more like a real sweet biscuit/muffin dough. And real whipped cream is the only way to go and so easy to whip up. Life is Good, Do what you love; love what you do and eat something yummy!
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So, I've asked myself why being a perfectionist could be tied in with using substances and here is one thing I came up with: When life around us is not as perfect as we think it should be we can be tempted to "alter" our brains so that we (mentally) escape the imperfection. And, depending on who you are and what your experiences might be there might be a greater urge than some others to escape. Yes, we tend to be very hard on ourselves...we are driven and when we DO succeed at something it is a wonderful feeling. But, sometimes I don't realize that I am the one placing the highest expectations on myself, yet I do also perceive that others place high expectations on me as well. And, maybe they do or maybe they don't and it's just a perception of mine, but some things do come with pretty high expectations. That is something I need to deal with in a healthy way.
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Hi, Ttree
I hope you're having an excellent day. Another messy one forme today. I was craving pills so bad, I had my keys in my hand and almost out the door to go get some beer. I just wanted something to calm everything down, make it ok. I even thought taking a xanax with the alcohol would be a good idea. Get me closer to the opiate high I'm really craving.
But, I didn't. I came here instead, and started posting like a whack job. You poor people I have no idea how you put up with my crazy.
The cake, T, that I am going to bake for my mom? Honestly, that is the only thing I am looking forward to this weekend. I love to bake. And cook. And, I love creating desserts. Anything sweet. Hence, my username! lol. The kitchen is my warm, safe place. Or, it used to be. Now, most days, I forget to eat. I have no relationship with food anymore. Still haven't eaten today. I was going to try a smoothie, but blah. A happy meal sounds kinda good, though. Seriously.
I totally relate to what you said about overthinking. And high expectations. I overthink EVERYTHING! Shoot, I overthink overthinking. I always have 5 or 6 different outcomes to every situation I encounter
I hope you're having an excellent day. Another messy one forme today. I was craving pills so bad, I had my keys in my hand and almost out the door to go get some beer. I just wanted something to calm everything down, make it ok. I even thought taking a xanax with the alcohol would be a good idea. Get me closer to the opiate high I'm really craving.
But, I didn't. I came here instead, and started posting like a whack job. You poor people I have no idea how you put up with my crazy.
The cake, T, that I am going to bake for my mom? Honestly, that is the only thing I am looking forward to this weekend. I love to bake. And cook. And, I love creating desserts. Anything sweet. Hence, my username! lol. The kitchen is my warm, safe place. Or, it used to be. Now, most days, I forget to eat. I have no relationship with food anymore. Still haven't eaten today. I was going to try a smoothie, but blah. A happy meal sounds kinda good, though. Seriously.
I totally relate to what you said about overthinking. And high expectations. I overthink EVERYTHING! Shoot, I overthink overthinking. I always have 5 or 6 different outcomes to every situation I encounter
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