Lonelywombat67

I seldom hear from people in my family unless I call them first. After surgery my 90 year old mom was the only one to keep regular contact with me post hospital. They are usually pretty busy so I try to keep up with texting to let them know how I'm doing and stay on top of the family news. My sister and brother have phone phobia and I get it but it just boils my potatoes when I text one of them and they don't even bother to answer a text. This anger and resentment at being an afterthought was building up in me and a big trigger for me to want to muffle it with drink. They all knew I was going for a respiratory check up and nobody asked how it went. So how to cope with these feelings is the question.

Anna

I think many of us lack support from family members.

One of the reasons we come here is because we do understand how hard recovery is, and we can lean on each other. We are like a family here.

Lonelywombat67

I'm learning how important keeping close to family is in this life.

Delizadee

Sorry to hear that my friend. I know family stuff is tough.
One of my phone app suggests praying for people with whom we hold resentments against. I'm not sure if you're spiritual in any way but I've found it to help me even if I'm very resistant to the idea for awhile.
There is a saying, that holding resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Don't let them have free rent in your head. We have only control over ourselves. And drinking won't help any of that.
Do you have a counselor to talk to, or thought about AA meetings to get some stuff off your chest?

doggonecarl

Assume they care and tell them how the check went.

The less expectations you have, the less resentments will build up. You siblings have probably been the way they've been all your life. They aren't likely to change, so expecting them too is fruitless.

If you have news to share, share it. If you wait for them to ask...you will find yourself right where you are now. Angry.

happyandfree

My siblings are really bugging me, now that I'm not drinking. Nothing bothered me before. But now, I feel that if I speak up for myself, they get mad. I'm tired of it and have distanced myself. I know that resentment is toxic....and I will pray for them. And...keep my distance.

Lonelywombat67

I told them already that I don't want my flowers when I'm dead and asked them if they would try to keep in touch once a week. They both have full family lives now but a day might come when they feel regret. I don't want that. I've talked to a counselor about it before. It only helps a little. I want closeness and don't have it.

Lonelywombat67

Happy and free my family managed to ignore me at a recent family get together. They all talk over each other. When I try to add to the conversation I can't get a word in. I'm a shy quiet spoken introvert in a room full of extroverts. My brother in law likes to tease me. The last time it happened I got fed up and raised my voice to tell them off. I should add that I never drink in their presence. I do that all alone.

Lonelywombat67

I started being proactive and texting my news but getting no response can suck.

Lonelywombat67

I just texted one of them that I found a giant boa constrictor in my back yard. That got a response. Humor is the best.

entropy1964

Ah family. Can't live without them, can't shoot them. I understand how you are feeling. I am the lost child (5 roles of children in the family...its interesting). The only girl, youngest of 4 boys, chubby, awkward and completely neglected. And sexually abused by the second oldest who was often left in charge. Yikes. And guess what? Nothing has changed. I have a close relationship with the brother closest in age to me....when we were kids it was kind of us against the chaos...trying to survive the wild west that was our household.

I used to define myself by how my family treated me. If I'm not careful, I still do. If I do this, give over to this crazy codependence, it triggers my PTSD and then God knows what will happen. I am lovable, I am a good person. This is their problem, not mine.

Here's what I've learned and must keep reminding myself. My family is a group of unhealthy people. Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, image oriented, competitive. They are also smart, successful, driven. Separate? We're all (well except for one) good people. But together we're nuts. We ALL (that includes me) fall into our roles and the whole thing is a shlit show. My brothers aren't ABLE to do or be anything other than they can and are. Its NOT me. It feels like it, but its not.

My daughter and I were going to visit in March. I 'forgot' everything I know from years of experience and had all kinds of expectations. They would want to see me, they'd make time, hey they might even be excited. Nope, nada, nothing. I lost it and almost went into a tail spin. My amazing daughter reminded me "Mom this is just what they do. They always have". Yup. Period.

We're visiting this summer. We're there to see my ailing parents. If anyone else makes an effort, great, I'll be there. If not? So be it. That is survival.