madgirl

Day 36 nearly down. Just dosed myself with melatonin so hopefully I can sleep before tomorrow officially starts, and right now I am trying like all h e double hockey sticks to ignore the beer sitting in the refrigerator.

Do you guys mind if I vent here?

I am upset tonight - mad at myself for having this horrible issue, mad that I wasted 20+ years of my life on this nonsense, mad that my marriage appears to have been based on two addicts using together for a long time, mad at the prospect of having to completely reinvent myself and my relationships at 43 years old.

OK, so here's what I am grateful for

I am grateful for this place online, for the fact that my skin is looking better, for feeling conscious and aware and present with my son, for the decreasing levels of anxiety and self-hatred, for the nice walk in the spring afternoon today, and last but not least, for the small sliver of hope I have that it isn't that I am a defective loser incapable of genuine happiness - but maybe it was the alcohol working on my brain instead, and that I AM capable of it after all!

So I am going to finish this La Croix and maybe have another one, and try to distract myself with a Stephen King I haven't read - an old one - The Stand.

Thanks for reading. Just holding on here tonight.

doggonecarl

The Stand is a good one. And a lot of pages. It should distract you for a while.

It's normal in early recovery to regret the years wasted, but don't bemoan the past too much, you can't change it. But the future, sober, that is 100% in your hands.

Stay strong.

Dharma33

Glad you're with us tonight, mad girl La Croix is my (new) go to! The grapefruit is my fave.

Hevyn

Hi madgirl - I'm glad you wanted to talk about what's going on. It's perfectly understandable to have those thoughts in the early days of recovery.

I drank 30 yrs., so I was even older than you when I saw the light. I tortured myself with many regrets until it almost led me back to drinking. None of us intentionally ruin our lives by using or drinking. We never imagine where it will take us. Be patient and kind to yourself - you're doing great.

MIRecovery

Your story sounds like mine except I quit at 53 and in another month I turn the big 60. I wasted 25 years being an alcoholic. I was in a horrible marriage for 18 years. She was nuts and I was a drunk. I met a wonderful woman who put up with me trying to quit drinking for 10 years.

It is hard trying to reinvent yourself but I ain't dead yet. Whatever life I'm granted I am going to make the best if it. If you haven't tried AA I would highly recommend it. AA has a blueprint for living that has taught me how to have a full and rewarding life.

Everything is not all rainbows and unicorns but I can honestly say I'm happy

FormerWineGirl

Hi madgirl. I was 48 when I quit, so you're getting an earlier head start than a lot of us! I look at it this way: I am really glad that I wised up while I still had time to reinvent myself. At 19 months, I am still very much a work in progress but it's an incredible adventure!

MissPerfumado

I'm sorry you're feeling bad but you've done yourself the biggest of favours by stopping the drink. I'm 42. It's just been about 4 months of sobriety. The first month or so is rough going, I reckon, so no wonder you're feeling this way. With a bit more time sober, reinvention at this age will be a challenge you will be more than up to and you may even relish it. People have surprisingly short memories - my colleagues see me as the one who gets into the office earlier than anyone else - just a few months ago I stumbled in late every single day. I'm becoming the reliable, dedicated, stable, sensible co-worker, friend, daughter, sister etc. I like it and I'm growing into it more every day. When you have a bit more sober time there will quite possibly come the time you want to redefine your relationship with your SO. With sobriety you can do it with wisdom even if it takes effort.

Vinificent

Just checking in this morning and hoping you held on last night...
MissP is right and regret is a useless emotion. The other thing to highlight here is that now you can be all the things you wanted to be. You don't have that pesky alcohol habit sucking up your time and energy. Like MissP, others will slowly begin to notice the positive changes, and you will know you are doing the right thing.

Stay strong 💪

madgirl

Thanks to all - I was sober last night and am sober today.

Heard back from a prospective employer for which I'd had hopes - no dice on that position. Feeling disappointed but won't drink over it.

Day 37.

least

Congrats on 37 days sober! Keep going, it gets better. And to strengthen your recovery, stay grateful for your blessings. Gratitude makes us focus on the positive.

madgirl

Yes I agree Least - I am trying!

Hevyn

Came here to check on you, madgirl - glad to see you sober on Day 37. (Sorry about the job, but something better is waiting.)

Anna

It sounds like you have a plan to get through the evening. It's bound to be frustrating when you think back to 'if only'. I have done that myself and not much good comes of it, but it would keep me focused on where I wanted to be. Congratulations on Day 37.

Delilah1

Congratulations on 37 days!! I'm sorry about the job, are you waiting to hear back from any other positions?

I am 45, and I'm coming up on four months sober. Most nights I am fine and drinking doesn't cross my mind. However, every now and then having a glass of wine pops into my head, and I quickly force myself to do something else.

I am currently reading One Summer, by Elin Hildebrand. It is definitely easy reading. I just reread Drinking, a Love Story by Caroline Knapp. That is a good one of you are looking for good recovery books.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

madgirl

Hi Delilah,
Yes I am waiting to hear back from a recruiter for another position, and am really going to get aggressive now in my hunt. To be fair, I resigned in mid March and really spent the last 30 days or so primarily focused on getting sober - I just now am starting to feel focused and in a good place mentally to start the next adventure, career-wise.

Sober tonight - about to watch Game of Thrones

MythOfSisyphus

Better late than never, madgirl! We can't put the toothpaste back in the tube (ie go back in time and reclaim lost years) but we can make sure to make the most of the rest of our lives! That is best done sober.