MikeM

For crying out loud, how bad can it get? I was in the psych ward today for a few hours. I could stand being there so that was a step forward.

Then all I wanted was to get out of there and drink. So I bloody escaped.

I was there voluntarily, but on a closed unit. They will open the door for you if you're allowed to decide to leave.

But... I know from past experience that they don't make it easy if you're bad off. They will let you out. But they will also try to talk you out of it. You have to wait for a doctor. Which always takes longer than you expect.

So I followed a dinner-cart employee out, took a route out that I knew was not watched very much. Panhandled some money here and there and now I'm back.

This is not good. I am lost. All I can say is: help me.

I did contact everyone to explain everything that happened. And I'm still welcome there. And I should be there. But I'm so conflicted, black and white at the same time. Which has me stuck.

Next plan is: go there tomorrow. Again. And try again. But I need some help from you kind people. I'm in such a terrified state.

Fabela

You need to go back, and you need to tell them that you need supervision if you're outside the facility. You need to tell them how bad it is, and you HAVE TO let them help you! Please, this is getting dangerous, who knows what you can do if you are alone and drink too much? You have to take care of yourself. Good that you posted here, but there is little that we can do to help you. You need to help yourself.

Take care.

Venecia

Mike, when patience is in short supply, you have to prevail upon hope. And there is plenty of reason for you to feel hopeful, but you need to go back to the hospital and let the process of your recovery begin.

Please call a friend and get back there. Or just take a taxi or public transit there.

Coldfusion

Don't wait until tomorrow, Mike. The only good time for recovery is "now."

Delilah1

You should try to go back today, you are only prolonging trying to get better by waiting until tomorrow. Can you or someone sign you in stating you are not allowed to leave? Do they have a mandatory holding period if they feel you are a danger to yourself? I hope you are able to get back there ASAP and get help.

ALinNS

I guess I don't understand why you would wait until tomorrow as I believe they can help you whereas beer is just going to make matters worse.

ScottFromWI

The solution to your current problem is not here on this forum. In fact, coming here is making your problem worse as you are using it as a distraction from what you really need to do. You know exactly what needs to be done, there is nothing to discuss or wait for.

tomsteve

your plans of action tomorrow havent been working.
weve helped all we can.you can need our help all you want. you have wanted and needed our help for a very long time. youve received great advise and suggestions frommmany,many people. you still do it your way. idk what you want or expect from us, but we cant carry you or get you sober.
you have to make the decision you will do whatever is necessary, accept it is not going to be an overnight matter, and stop running. period.
Face Everything And Recover
or
F**k Everything And Run

the second option wasnt fun for me and doesnt appear to be for you,mike.

MikeM

I appreciate all the replies. This one hits the core point of my addiction I think. In all honesty, and I have not told anyone this before, I believe I have not long to live.

It comes from my trauma where I nearly died. It has left an imprint on me that says that I could die any moment. So why not do what I want? It could be over in a second.

I know it's not true, but anyone with a trauma can tell you that it's very hard for thought to override the feeling.

So the idea in my mind is to drink and party and go for the most enjoyable things before I drop dead.

I know that sounds nuts. But it's the underlying motivation. Plus, alcohol takes away the anxiety.

Actually, I wasn't aware of this until now. In my 70 days sober, I was frantically trying to find things that made me feel good or I would slip into a depression. Because my feelings say, I could be gone any moment.

I'm glad I found this. It will help when I get treatment.

Oh, and it doesn't help that I feel like that the hospital is the place where I have the greatest chance of dying.

It sounds nuts, but it's PTSD.

I never expected these underlying issues having been unresolved. But apparently there's work to do.

MikeM

True. I'm using this forum as a distraction.

I will log out now and will only come back when things are well.

Thank you all!

yinzer

You've got to be tough with yourself. When I almost died, I found that I wanted to live. It's tough to do the right thing for the long term, but it's worth it. I hope you go back.

entropy1964

I will log out now and will only come back when things are well.

Hey Mike

Its a tough predicament. On the one hand, I want to support you. On the other I don't want to coddle and enable you. You are too smart for that. And as an addict I know that when people coddle and enable me they are actually harming me. Loving me to death.

You left the hospital because you wanted to drink. That is an honest and important comment. You are finally admitting that this is about your addiction, not psychosis. It takes planning, awareness and obsession to sneak out of a psych ward. BTW, I've left rehabs multiple times because my addiction was a rabid animal. So I get it.

At this point, if you truly want help, you need to go back to the hospital. I'm adding that if you are now self diagnosing PTSD, then know that alcohol will only make it much, much worse. Alcohol is gasoline on an already raging fire.

Anyway, nough said. Good luck.

ALinNS

I understand PTSD all to well, I have five events in my life that haunted me until three years ago when I finally reached out for help, I would get depressed, have nightmares, wicked panic attacks in the day time

Victim of a Pedophile at the age of 13
At 15 I went through the ice on my ski doo, was near death and all I remember is looking up and could not get through the ice
At 16 I worked at a gas station, early on a Sunday morning I filled the tank of a car, couple from Quebec that I can close my eyes and see their faces, as I watched them pull back out onto the highway a drunk (at 9 a.m. +/-) came across into their lane and killed them both, I ran to the car and saw them die, the lady was decapitated
At 21 I was walking home from working at the bank, unknown to me I was being followed, I was stabbed several times and left dead and it was late, don't remember much but woke in the hospital the next day

For 30 +/- years I buried these memories with booze, terrible mistake as there is nothing wrong reaching out for help.

In January I and my better half started to notice something, my moods were rapid cycling, turns out after a mental health assessment I am bi-polar and was hitting Manic high's and lows, medication for these two mental health issues keeps the moods normal so I can enjoy life as I really enjoy this side of the grass.

Although a tough decision as booze to me was a hell of a lot easier than walking through the doors, spending hours explaining what was going on and getting help, I wish I would have ran through those doors 30 years ago.

MikeM

First of all, ALinNS, I'm so sorry to hear what you have gone through. My thoughts are with you.

Ok, I had a brief chat with a counselor at the hospital. At one point I said: "I'm so terrified of how horrible it will feel."

What he responded with was a breath of fresh air for me. And a motivation for me to take care of this. He said: "Life is not comfortable. I'm not here to make you comfortable. I'm here to teach you to handle the discomfort."

That did it. I'm planning to go there again and meet with him tomorrow. They have shifts and that is the guy I want to meet first the moment I walk in there. He gets me.

I guess they see the gravity of the situation better than I do and got the guy for the "hard-cases". The people who run, who escape, hide and are in dire need of help. And I like this guy because he, well he gets me. It feels like that.

This is a relief. Tomorrow. If that is not my new start, then I don't know what will be. But I'm sure they have connections.

Ok, logging off now. Just wanted to share this development. See you all when I'm in a better place!

yinzer

ALinNS, that is a hell of a lot.
I was going to say I also dealt with PTSD after almost dying in a plane crash, but it sounds wimpy compared to your life. I'm glad you found the help and hope your life is getting much better!
MikeM, hope you also head for the light.

FLCamper

Being "locked up" is stressful, even if it is on your own volition. I hope you are back at the facility and getting some help.
My best thoughts your way.

K.

thomas11

I'm personally not as concerned about the beer drinking, I'm concerned about the beer AND the serequil. Bad combo. I agree with others at this point. Your way clearly isn't working. I support your plan to go there tomorrow. This time stay there.

thomas11

I don't want to derail this thread, but that is amazing. And thank you for sharing, it provides some of us with tremendous perspective.

ICanDoBetter

Go back now. Don't wait till tomorrow. You need to face it head on. You know this.

ALinNS

I live my life now as an open book, it took far to long to get help because I was embarrassed, afraid and to have a mental illness????? The way I was brought up was that is a weakness and a choice which is BS based on what I know today. I am no longer haunted by the past I embrace it.

I really hope Mike get's help, as I said I ran for 30+ years, it didn't work.

Mixing booze with SSRI/Benzo's is very, very dangerous, I had no idea of this until I took a course in Detox, I was shocked and thankful to be alive.