Starting Again and Learning From Yesterday
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
Starting Again and Learning From Yesterday
Well, I am back at day 1...
I'm disappointed with myself, but I refuse to allow me to back away from this. In the past 11 days, I've not had a drink 9 of those days. That's still something and I'm forging on.
As some of you know, I've been posting daily plans for what I was going to do to stay on track each day. Yesterday, I failed to execute that plan. I ate like crap. I didn't get any exercise. I didn't do the things in the evening I planned that would alter my normal schedule... And I didn't recognize my AV for what it was.
Normally, my AV sounds like a little niggling voice in my head that tells me how much I deserve to have a drink. It catalogs all my successes for the day and tells me my reward is to sit on the couch and enjoy a glass (ONE glass!) of wine. Last night, my AV came at me from a different angle and because I hadn't followed my plan all day, I wasn't prepared for it. This AV in disguise started telling me about "moderation" and convinced me to start looking up information about moderation vs. abstinence programs. When I considered posting on here, SR, about my questions about this, my AV convinced me that in doing so, I would be ridiculed, told I was an idiot and made to feel like a failure. So rather than come here and talk through my thoughts, I stayed out of the boards and kept listening to that voice in my head that told me I could practice "moderation".
The other mistake I made was purposely keeping a bottle of wine in the house, to show how strong I could be. It's been here all week and I've barely even thought about it. But last night, while considering my new-found theory of "moderation", I was painfully aware that it was here.
So, to cut to the chase, I drank the whole bottle. That's obviously not moderation. And it definitely wasn't part of yesterday's plan. I've heard and read often that relapses happen way before you take the first drink and yesterday was evidence of that. I relapsed when I chose to eat poorly, when I didn't stick to my plan, and when I didn't recognize my own AV in my head.
So, this morning I am hungover. That's a sensation I haven't felt in months, if not years. I had developed such a habit that I didn't get hungover. But that's ok. I deserve it.
My plan for today is to forgive myself. Eat better than I did yesterday. Get the exercise I deserve. NOT replenish the wine when I go grocery shopping and stay close to all you fine folks.
I am not going to drink today.
I'm disappointed with myself, but I refuse to allow me to back away from this. In the past 11 days, I've not had a drink 9 of those days. That's still something and I'm forging on.
As some of you know, I've been posting daily plans for what I was going to do to stay on track each day. Yesterday, I failed to execute that plan. I ate like crap. I didn't get any exercise. I didn't do the things in the evening I planned that would alter my normal schedule... And I didn't recognize my AV for what it was.
Normally, my AV sounds like a little niggling voice in my head that tells me how much I deserve to have a drink. It catalogs all my successes for the day and tells me my reward is to sit on the couch and enjoy a glass (ONE glass!) of wine. Last night, my AV came at me from a different angle and because I hadn't followed my plan all day, I wasn't prepared for it. This AV in disguise started telling me about "moderation" and convinced me to start looking up information about moderation vs. abstinence programs. When I considered posting on here, SR, about my questions about this, my AV convinced me that in doing so, I would be ridiculed, told I was an idiot and made to feel like a failure. So rather than come here and talk through my thoughts, I stayed out of the boards and kept listening to that voice in my head that told me I could practice "moderation".
The other mistake I made was purposely keeping a bottle of wine in the house, to show how strong I could be. It's been here all week and I've barely even thought about it. But last night, while considering my new-found theory of "moderation", I was painfully aware that it was here.
So, to cut to the chase, I drank the whole bottle. That's obviously not moderation. And it definitely wasn't part of yesterday's plan. I've heard and read often that relapses happen way before you take the first drink and yesterday was evidence of that. I relapsed when I chose to eat poorly, when I didn't stick to my plan, and when I didn't recognize my own AV in my head.
So, this morning I am hungover. That's a sensation I haven't felt in months, if not years. I had developed such a habit that I didn't get hungover. But that's ok. I deserve it.
My plan for today is to forgive myself. Eat better than I did yesterday. Get the exercise I deserve. NOT replenish the wine when I go grocery shopping and stay close to all you fine folks.
I am not going to drink today.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
If your AV can talk you into one glass of wine, you still have drinking open as an option. Just one...moderation... Take all drinking off the table. Your AV will still nag, but if you drink with drinking off the table, it won't be because "one drink is okay." It will be because your addiction convinced you drinking was better than sobriety.
And if that's the case, you have some work to do.
And if that's the case, you have some work to do.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
First, the thought of maybe I can moderate is very common. And most of us have to go thru that to believe it's not true because our av convinces us that we're the one on a million that can do that.
But, as Carl says, take the option of drinking off the table. Then anything at all that has anything to do with drinking is your av. It makes it easy to recognize your av.
But, as Carl says, take the option of drinking off the table. Then anything at all that has anything to do with drinking is your av. It makes it easy to recognize your av.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Keeping alcohol in the house to prove how strong you are is complete AV planning. Have you read about it? I found that once I started educating myself about it it became easier to handle cravings and situations in which I started convincing myself that a drink wouldn't be so bad.
Hangovers are the worse for me!!! Arghhh!
Get back on it and never look back. We are here to support you.
Hangovers are the worse for me!!! Arghhh!
Get back on it and never look back. We are here to support you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by suzie89 
So glad you're back this morning. Remind me, have you tried any meetings yet? If no, what's your thought on giving them a try?
Anyway, if I were to suddenly slip out and not say where I was going it would be weird. Plus, the vast majority of meetings are at a facility exactly one block away and across the street from my ex husband's house. I can't even imagine what he would do/say if he saw my car parked there. It's not like it's a church or anything. It's an AA meeting hall and that's it. Any other meetings occur during the work day and I work 30 miles outside of town.
So. There you have it. My two hold out excuses. Lol
At least I recognize them for what they are.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
The other mistake I made was purposely keeping a bottle of wine in the house, to show how strong I could be. It's been here all week and I've barely even thought about it. But last night, while considering my new-found theory of "moderation", I was painfully aware that it was here.
That to me is THE mistake. You had it there from the beginning which means to me that you were planning to drink. For me the one place that I should never have alcohol is my house, car, desk, garage etc etc. The places I have control over.
Your attitude is great. Don't give up!
That to me is THE mistake. You had it there from the beginning which means to me that you were planning to drink. For me the one place that I should never have alcohol is my house, car, desk, garage etc etc. The places I have control over.
Your attitude is great. Don't give up!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there are THREE hallmarks to recovery:
Honesty
OpenMindedness
Willingness
you need to fully EXPOSE your addiction, and that means pulling the covers and telling your spouse. even if its tough or uncomfortable. we cannot give our addiction a cozy place to hide.....
at least the wine is GONE now. its never a good idea to TEST our sobriety.....life presents enough tests!
commit today to not drinking NO MATTER WHAT, under any circumstances, PERIOD. close that door firmly and then nail it shut.
Honesty
OpenMindedness
Willingness
you need to fully EXPOSE your addiction, and that means pulling the covers and telling your spouse. even if its tough or uncomfortable. we cannot give our addiction a cozy place to hide.....
at least the wine is GONE now. its never a good idea to TEST our sobriety.....life presents enough tests!
commit today to not drinking NO MATTER WHAT, under any circumstances, PERIOD. close that door firmly and then nail it shut.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
"When I considered posting on here, SR, about my questions about this, my AV convinced me that in doing so, I would be ridiculed, told I was an idiot and made to feel like a failure."
Oh no....I've posted here before when I had the urge to drink and was talked out of it. Its been one of the better decisions in my life. Folks here are convincing and gentle. Don't hesitate.
Oh no....I've posted here before when I had the urge to drink and was talked out of it. Its been one of the better decisions in my life. Folks here are convincing and gentle. Don't hesitate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 51
Thanks everyone for your support, suggestions and feedback. When I said last night I had some soul searching to do, I know that it comes down to coming clean to my spouse (and honestly, to myself).
I did not buy any alcohol at the grocery this morning so there is nothing left in the house. I will continue to work through the reticence to speak to my DH openly and honestly. Like I said, there's no rational reason I can't.
I am hungover as all get out. I haven't been hungover like this in years. Rather than say I deserve it, I'll just say that this is a good reminder that I was on the right track before I decided to drink last night.
I did not buy any alcohol at the grocery this morning so there is nothing left in the house. I will continue to work through the reticence to speak to my DH openly and honestly. Like I said, there's no rational reason I can't.
I am hungover as all get out. I haven't been hungover like this in years. Rather than say I deserve it, I'll just say that this is a good reminder that I was on the right track before I decided to drink last night.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 744
Originally Posted by BlueBlueBird
I have not. I've been considering it. But I have not fully discussed my drinking with my DH. He knows I drink, of course, but has not expressed any concerns. The only thing that's come up is he noticed last week I didn't buy any wine at the store and I just said I was "taking a break". I don't know why I haven't come right out and expressed to him that my drinking, in my mind, is a problem. I'm not sure why. He's wonderful. It's not like he would be anything but supportive. He's not much of a drinker, himself, so it's not like that would be a thing. I just haven't been able to say anything. That right there is probably my number one issue that's keeping me from staying sober, if I'm being honest. Anyway, if I were to suddenly slip out and not say where I was going it would be weird. Plus, the vast majority of meetings are at a facility exactly one block away and across the street from my ex husband's house. I can't even imagine what he would do/say if he saw my car parked there. It's not like it's a church or anything. It's an AA meeting hall and that's it. Any other meetings occur during the work day and I work 30 miles outside of town. So. There you have it. My two hold out excuses. Lol At least I recognize them for what they are.
My fear of seeing someone I knew was high. So far hasn't happened. I am lucky enough to have a number of different options and chose something halfway between home and work. Just like on SR I guess what I'm finding is that it's so helpful not to feel like I'm the only one going through this.
I also told my husband about a week ago and he's been semi supportive although I had to go this morning even when he was annoyed that I was going to be late to an app the had scheduled with a contractor to get an estimate for work we are having done on the house. Actually felt kind of good to call him out on saying he's supportive then giving me a hard time. He's used to me taking care of most things but right now I'm putting taking care of myself at the top of the list. And that's exactly what I said.
Wishing you peace today. And I hope you will at least consider exploring the meeting option a little more.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I don't know why I haven't come right out and expressed to him that my drinking, in my mind, is a problem. I'm not sure why. He's wonderful. It's not like he would be anything but supportive. He's not much of a drinker, himself, so it's not like that would be a thing. I just haven't been able to say anything. That right there is probably my number one issue that's keeping me from staying sober, if I'm being honest.
I had get out clauses too.
The only way I got sober and stayed that way was like Carl says - taking drinking off the table as a viable option.
The other mistake I made was purposely keeping a bottle of wine in the house, to show how strong I could be. It's been here all week and I've barely even thought about it. But last night, while considering my new-found theory of "moderation", I was painfully aware that it was here.
You already know your AV is still active so maybe having it there is no longer a test, it's simply another way of leaving the door open a crack for more drinking?
I know letting go of all hope of drinking again is hard - but it's necessary - and in the long run very very much worth it
I think a recovery plan needs to focus on more than 'this is what I will do today'/things to do to keep busy - this is a great link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
