SweatyHands

So here's the deal: Sunday will be two months of complete abstinence from alcohol this time. I have fully committed to my Big Plan of never drinking, under any circumstance. But the problem is, I feel like I should be struggling more. Don't get me wrong, I spend large chunks of my day being hyper-vigilant for any sign that my AV is getting ready to try to tell me some more lies. But, I don't have the cravings or indecision that I did for the few months leading up to my past relapse.

A little background--I spent my childhood and much of my young adult life being conditioned by my family that I'm not good at anything and I will inevitably screw up whatever I'm doing. So as much as I am aware of this and am actively working on it in therapy, it still creeps in to my head. Multiple times a day, I find myself thinking that obviously at some point I am going to blow it and take a drink. It's just a matter of time before I create some sort of horrible catastrophe by going on a bender and wrecking my health and all of my relationships.

I have no logical basis to think this. I know that I am good at most of what I do. I know that people care about me. I know that I am strong and committed to my sobriety. But between my family conditioning, and the self esteem shattering effects of years of drunken failure, I sometimes can't shake the fear.

Anyone else get this? Any strategies to push these stories out of your mind?

kittycat3

You should accept that fear will come into your mind - can't change that. But it's how you deal with it that matters. One day at a time!

Dee74

I think as long as you have a good plan, and you keep working that plan, you'll stay sober SH.

Rather than thinking of relapse as something that happens to me, I try to think of it as a series of bad choices. That put the onus and the power back on me
D

ALinNS

In a 28 day program one of the many things we needed to look at was learned behaviors, were they healthy in our recovery or did I need to change the way I thought, although I had amazing parents as a kid, I had a lot of unhealthy learned behaviors.

I am not suggesting it is the case with you, I recall a few years back recovery seemed to me to be too easy, I was not mindful my AV was simply planning and eventually I did relapse, overconfident and not being mindful and playing the tape through.

Then again I have herd from some in AA recovery was a cake walk for them and that is great, I know it hasn't been with me.

Have a great weekend
Andrew

Soberwolf

Congrats on your upcoming 2 months remember were always here in case things do get tough but don't wait for that to happen stay pro-active in your sobriety like you are and never look back aside from reflection

fantail

For me it was important to break the association with the success/failure loop. I don't see people who never quit as failures, so by extension my sobriety doesn't make me a success. It's a remission from illness that I get to have with a combination of luck, awareness, and effort.

This may seem like a pointless distinction but it's not one I've made for the sake of it. I'm more trying to describe a switch that happened on its own. The first time I got sober I saw it more as a task that I was succeeding at. And that made it heavy after a while. Like you I have some weird hangups around success and failure and which one is which. This time I have less baggage because I have less ego attached than I did, I guess. I'm not winning at anything, I'm just very carefully protecting this valuable thing.

noneever

I'm learning that drinking alcohol is not a relapse, it's a choice. There are so many steps involved in obtaining and then drinking alcohol-moving forward with each step is a choice.

Not so long ago I was terrified that I'd 'find' myself drinking, without knowing how it had happened, again. I realise now that it doesn't just happen automatically. There are multiple choices I choose to make in order to drink.

Having awareness means no poor choices.

doggonecarl

Your AV can take many forms...like fear of failure. You have your Big Plan. Stand by it.

Nowsthetime

It's complete AV. All those thought are it planting the seed and planning. You are only at 2 months. It's still very early. The AV is patient and it will wait as long as it has to. Ride the positive wave of not craving and be vigilant. Relapses don't have to happen, that's AV talk.

You are going to be at this for a long time so don't get ahead of yourself by thinking about the future. Focus on today and how we will not drink TODAY.

Keep your eye on the price! We are with you!

entropy1964

I understand completely. I breased through the responses on here and it is not simply your AV. However your AV ( I personally don't completely get the idea of an AV but I'll use it here to illuminate my thinking) will use this thinking to its advantage.

The messages we hear from our parents, our most important caregivers and nurturers, absolutely effects how we view ourselves in life. It has been my experience that emotionally abusive parents (the ones that tell us we aren't good enough, ok the way we are, are failures) are also neglectful. This was my situation. So I have grown up not loving myself, not knowing how to love, not feeling I deserve love and not able to make healthy attachments. Basically I have a little child still living inside me that is lonely, sad and afraid. To anyone that has not experienced this, these words probably sound really stupid.

As part of my recovery, not just from alcohol but from my childhood, I am trying to identify the voice of this child. To literally learn to nurture this child. Sounds crazy again but it works for me. I have to be mindful of my thinking, actively question the tape that is being played and change the tape to what I know to be reality. The distortions that this child is constantly voicing are completely wrong and detrimental to my over all well being.

I guess the idea of the AV and the inner child are similar. And I'm pretty sure they are besties But they are all aspects of ME. And learning which aspect of me is driving is really important. Getting rid of thought distortion is critical for my sanity and my recovery.

SweatyHands

So I had almost 3 1/2 years sober before last summer. I am not so much worried about relapse as some mysterious force caused by an incurable disease. What I have is a nervousness because I haven't had the struggle against my AV yet. I was so complacent in my sobriety before, that when my AV said "I wonder what will happen if..." I wasn't prepared to counter that with a solid "No." I try to be vigilant at all times and keep track of situations and feelings that may be something that would lead me to picking up a drink if I were in a less stable situation.

I guess my biggest concern is that I don't believe that I'm working hard and doing it right. There is still a part of me that still believes that I'm just getting lucky and I will screw it up eventually.

Soberwolf

Not at all SH it isn't luck keeping you sober it's you keeping yourself sober because you know what happens if you drink - acceptance over the facts

If you do get urges or cravings reach out immediately don't beat around the bush say if you feel the urges or cravings don't give into them were 110% behind you & supporting you

Are you going meetings, reading recovery books, journalling, staying in touch with a Dr, these are some things that will help your recovery

oldsoul1122

Congrats! Practice faith until it outgrows fear. I'm all too aware of self-fulfilled prophecy so when fear creeps in I immediately turn to faith.

Dee74

It's been a long time since I've been seriously tempted but, if I ever am again, I know there's a million other choices I have than drinking.

Like I said before, you're not a victim in this - you're not going to suddenly come to one day with a beer pouring down your throat

If you ever did, you'll have made choices and decisions to get yourself in that situation - and you can absolutely ensure that you'll be ready with strategies to get you out...if you ever need them

Our AV likes to have us think that Relapse just happens because that breeds fear and self doubt - it can even breed paralysis - how can you fight against something basically inevitable that strikes without warning?.

It's not that way at all

Relapses do not just happen - they are caused.

You seem pretty self aware to me SH - get rid of the fear and the idea that you're a hapless victim and you'll be ok, no matter what happens

D

freshstart57

The AV is any thought that leads to drinking, including self doubt or lack of confidence in your ability to quit. Set those thoughts aside as soon as they are recognized, congratulate yourself, and then get on with doing good stuffs again. Don't look back and keep moving forward. You can do this!