Rant :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 467
Rant :(
I just want to scream and punch something!
I had such a ****** day at work today - all I want to do is go and get a couple of bottles of wine and just block it all out!
I just feel so angry and upset.
It doesn't help that the man that I love is home with his wife!
Yes I know what you're all thinking - that I'm a bad person right!
But I have NEVER had an affair with this man.
We talk on the phone nearly every day ( for 3 years ) as he works away from home and in my darkest days he has always been there for me.
I have never met him!
I know that sounds weird - but weird **** happens when drunk right!
I haven't spoken to him since I got sober and I don't think he fully understands the problems I have and the struggle I'm going through.
He has been off work for a couple of weeks so he is at home with his family.
I just feel sick with jealousy and so ******* sad that I love a man that isn't available - who I've never even met!
It's mental!
I literally have no one - and wine is the only thing that's going to keep me company tonight.
I'm trying to talk myself out of it - but I just feel too lonely to care if alcohol kills me or not!
I actually feel ridiculous typing this out - it's the first time I've said it to anyone.
I no longer have close family - my mum, dad, sister and niece that I was close to are all dead.
I have family that I never speak to - mainly through fault of mine.
Nieces and nephews I barely know because I was always away travelling or too drunk / stoned or hungover to deal with any of them.
I don't even know where to try and start building relationships with any of them!
I no longer have friends for the same reasons.
And before anyone suggests it I'm not going to AA!
I don't believe in God.
I had such a ****** day at work today - all I want to do is go and get a couple of bottles of wine and just block it all out!
I just feel so angry and upset.
It doesn't help that the man that I love is home with his wife!
Yes I know what you're all thinking - that I'm a bad person right!
But I have NEVER had an affair with this man.
We talk on the phone nearly every day ( for 3 years ) as he works away from home and in my darkest days he has always been there for me.
I have never met him!
I know that sounds weird - but weird **** happens when drunk right!
I haven't spoken to him since I got sober and I don't think he fully understands the problems I have and the struggle I'm going through.
He has been off work for a couple of weeks so he is at home with his family.
I just feel sick with jealousy and so ******* sad that I love a man that isn't available - who I've never even met!
It's mental!
I literally have no one - and wine is the only thing that's going to keep me company tonight.
I'm trying to talk myself out of it - but I just feel too lonely to care if alcohol kills me or not!
I actually feel ridiculous typing this out - it's the first time I've said it to anyone.
I no longer have close family - my mum, dad, sister and niece that I was close to are all dead.
I have family that I never speak to - mainly through fault of mine.
Nieces and nephews I barely know because I was always away travelling or too drunk / stoned or hungover to deal with any of them.
I don't even know where to try and start building relationships with any of them!
I no longer have friends for the same reasons.
And before anyone suggests it I'm not going to AA!
I don't believe in God.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
If it helps, scream and punch a pillow. Better that than drinking.
I also can empathise with you about being in love with someone who is unavailable, the heart wants what the heart wants.
I also can empathise with you about being in love with someone who is unavailable, the heart wants what the heart wants.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I don't go to AA either, but you don't need to believe in God to go to AA.
I'm sorry you feel alone. I know that alcoholism is a very isolating disease. I ended up cutting almost everyone out of my life. It sounds like you feel very close to this man you've been talking with for a few years. He has always been there for you and helped you. But, maybe this is a time to step back and realize that your relationship with him is not healthy for you, in fact it could be a toxic relationship. Maybe this is a time when you can start to learn to feel good about yourself and once that happens you will probably find that new relationships develop in your life.
I'm sorry you feel alone. I know that alcoholism is a very isolating disease. I ended up cutting almost everyone out of my life. It sounds like you feel very close to this man you've been talking with for a few years. He has always been there for you and helped you. But, maybe this is a time to step back and realize that your relationship with him is not healthy for you, in fact it could be a toxic relationship. Maybe this is a time when you can start to learn to feel good about yourself and once that happens you will probably find that new relationships develop in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
You are in love with a fantasy not a person. I know did it for five years. Only way to get over it is to end it. It's not easy. Oh and BTW you ARE having an affair with this man. It may not be physical but it is emotional. And that IMO is worse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
You dont have to believe in god to go to AA, I go and I def dont believe in god!
Anyways Im glad you are here posting, it is good to get it out. What I would suggest is to stick with us this evening, keep on posting. Know that anger and lonliness is a trigger for relapse, just be mindful of this, its ok to feel this and it is painful too, all of us drank to escape how we feel right? So just take some deep breaths, recognise your emotions, acknowledge your emotions, release them in any way which does not involve picking up a drink or harm yourself or others.
All you have to do is go to bed sober. You can do this. Just take your time, these feelings will pass.
Anyways Im glad you are here posting, it is good to get it out. What I would suggest is to stick with us this evening, keep on posting. Know that anger and lonliness is a trigger for relapse, just be mindful of this, its ok to feel this and it is painful too, all of us drank to escape how we feel right? So just take some deep breaths, recognise your emotions, acknowledge your emotions, release them in any way which does not involve picking up a drink or harm yourself or others.
All you have to do is go to bed sober. You can do this. Just take your time, these feelings will pass.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Overforty
I'm so sorry you're feeling so angry and frustrated. I have been there. I think its very admirable that you're here posting about your feelings.
I'm not sure I really know what to say exactly. Try to slow down, breath (deep breathing is highly underrated). Do something to interrupt this spiraling thought process...maybe a walk, a bath, some yoga (lots of stuff on youtube). Eat, watch some TV. Whatever it takes.
You deserve to feel good, love yourself and be loved. But its a one step at a time kind of thing. Loving someone who is unavailable (my specialty) is an indicator of your own negative self image. That you don't deserve to be loved. But you do. So do I. We all do.
I won't tell you to go to AA but you don't have to believe in God...just sayin. There are other options for group support. Smart Recovery, Lifering (although very few meeting that I have found), specialized groups for addicts and the mentally ill. It will require some research. In the US we also have a thing called Meet ups and they center around a plethora of different interests and activities. I know I have to take ownership for my own happiness. No one or thing or substance can do it for me. It requires effort but in the end its worth it. I also love yoga and do lots of it. For me its a game changer.
One step at time, one right choice at a time and things generally get better. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so angry and frustrated. I have been there. I think its very admirable that you're here posting about your feelings.
I'm not sure I really know what to say exactly. Try to slow down, breath (deep breathing is highly underrated). Do something to interrupt this spiraling thought process...maybe a walk, a bath, some yoga (lots of stuff on youtube). Eat, watch some TV. Whatever it takes.
You deserve to feel good, love yourself and be loved. But its a one step at a time kind of thing. Loving someone who is unavailable (my specialty) is an indicator of your own negative self image. That you don't deserve to be loved. But you do. So do I. We all do.
I won't tell you to go to AA but you don't have to believe in God...just sayin. There are other options for group support. Smart Recovery, Lifering (although very few meeting that I have found), specialized groups for addicts and the mentally ill. It will require some research. In the US we also have a thing called Meet ups and they center around a plethora of different interests and activities. I know I have to take ownership for my own happiness. No one or thing or substance can do it for me. It requires effort but in the end its worth it. I also love yoga and do lots of it. For me its a game changer.
One step at time, one right choice at a time and things generally get better. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi OF.
Glad you're here and posting. I grew up in Herts but moved away from the area about 20 years ago.
I'd suggest looking up the AA meetings near you and reaching out so you can get a support network of sobriety friends building up.
Have you heard of the HALT triggers. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.
You're obviously feeling lonely just now, but you know as well as I do that drinking won't change that. You'll just be drunk, lonely and depressed instead of lonely and depressed, and that tends to lead us to make some pretty drastically rubbish decisions. Could you call someone for a chat. Someone who loves you. Maybe an old friend? Sobriety has seen me catch up with some of my old best friends from childhood who i drifted away from when I became more interested in drinking than maintaining friendships with sober people.
If any of the other triggers are active, then I'd suggest sorting those out now. Let's start with the anger thing. What and who are you mad at from work? Was it so bad do you think, or did it just feel extra awful because you're raw and sensitive from being sober. (How long did you say you've been on the waggon?)
You dont have to be religious to go to AA. There are some great meetings in Hertfordshire so I hear. Why not reach out today, or tomorrow? What have you got to lose? At least you'll have people to talk this stuff through with our a coffee or on the phone.
Find a Meeting | AA Meetings | Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd
Glad you're here and posting. I grew up in Herts but moved away from the area about 20 years ago.
I'd suggest looking up the AA meetings near you and reaching out so you can get a support network of sobriety friends building up.
Have you heard of the HALT triggers. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.
You're obviously feeling lonely just now, but you know as well as I do that drinking won't change that. You'll just be drunk, lonely and depressed instead of lonely and depressed, and that tends to lead us to make some pretty drastically rubbish decisions. Could you call someone for a chat. Someone who loves you. Maybe an old friend? Sobriety has seen me catch up with some of my old best friends from childhood who i drifted away from when I became more interested in drinking than maintaining friendships with sober people.
If any of the other triggers are active, then I'd suggest sorting those out now. Let's start with the anger thing. What and who are you mad at from work? Was it so bad do you think, or did it just feel extra awful because you're raw and sensitive from being sober. (How long did you say you've been on the waggon?)
You dont have to be religious to go to AA. There are some great meetings in Hertfordshire so I hear. Why not reach out today, or tomorrow? What have you got to lose? At least you'll have people to talk this stuff through with our a coffee or on the phone.
Find a Meeting | AA Meetings | Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Take a deep breath. Drinking has never improved anything I've ever done, has never made any situation better, and is certainly no replacement for company.
Get out and walk your anger off. Go get an ice cream. Go for a bike ride.
Do something to keep from drinking tonight.
Get out and walk your anger off. Go get an ice cream. Go for a bike ride.
Do something to keep from drinking tonight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
just to be clear, the only requirement for AA is a DESIRE to stop drinking. yes the GOD word is used, but so are alternate terms, that simply allow for the concept of some power greater than ourselves.
WINE has power over you right now.
the phantom MAN has power over you.
your fears and isolation have power over you.
maybe it's not so bad to believe that there are benign powers of GOOD that are also bigger than we are?
WINE has power over you right now.
the phantom MAN has power over you.
your fears and isolation have power over you.
maybe it's not so bad to believe that there are benign powers of GOOD that are also bigger than we are?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I would suggest counseling, especially since you have no one else to talk to face to face. Ideally you could find one who specializes in addition. Perhaps through counseling you could develop strategies to help with your addiction and to begin the process of repairing relationships with family and friends.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I'm so glad you didn't drink 
There's some great ideas here overforty
You seem like a nice caring person - I think you deserve a real face to face love
I think some counselling to help you move on is a pretty good idea?
D
There's some great ideas here overforty
You seem like a nice caring person - I think you deserve a real face to face love
I think some counselling to help you move on is a pretty good idea?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
I'm not sure how long you've been sober - but don't throw that away because of a bad day. These frustrating feelings will subside.
It sounds like this person has been a good sounding board for you. And your feelings for him have gone beyond friendship. But he is not available to you for anything more.
Going to an AA meeting - or book club, or taking a class would get you out of the house and around other people. You might even meet a new fellow out of it.
Let us know how you are. But, please don't drink. Wine really isn't good company.
It sounds like this person has been a good sounding board for you. And your feelings for him have gone beyond friendship. But he is not available to you for anything more.
Going to an AA meeting - or book club, or taking a class would get you out of the house and around other people. You might even meet a new fellow out of it.
Let us know how you are. But, please don't drink. Wine really isn't good company.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 467
Thank you all so much for the replies
I'm pleased to say that I didn't drink - I just cried and felt sorry for myself and had some food and went to bed!
I think there will be a lot of early nights over the next few months - which is actually a good thing!
I'm completely knackered!
zlhzlh said -
"OF.....play the tape forward, meet your fantasy man you will be disappointed I can assure you. "
OMG! never has a truer word been said!
Without going into long details - I think that anyone who has loved someone or thought they loved someone they didn't know properly knows this!
Thank you for that zlhzlh- it's what I needed to hear!
I still won't be going to AA or any groups - but thank you for those of you that took the time to reply to my whingeing and suggest something
Groups just aren't my thing - neither is counselling - I think I'd just like to do it online for the time being x
Anna said
"in fact it could be a toxic relationship"
Anna you are right too - it's completely toxic!
The only relationship I could have when I was drinking because I was too ****** up to manage anything else - thanks for that!
I went on a long 12 mile bike ride today and thought about all of this in the sunshine ( cold sunshine I'm in England ) And I think that by slowly phasing this man out of my life is the way forward!
I so want to build relationships with people that actually want to be with me!
Anyway - I think I'm rambling now - thanks again for the replies SR is fantastic!
I'm so glad I found it!
x
I'm pleased to say that I didn't drink - I just cried and felt sorry for myself and had some food and went to bed!
I think there will be a lot of early nights over the next few months - which is actually a good thing!
I'm completely knackered!
zlhzlh said -
"OF.....play the tape forward, meet your fantasy man you will be disappointed I can assure you. "
OMG! never has a truer word been said!
Without going into long details - I think that anyone who has loved someone or thought they loved someone they didn't know properly knows this!
Thank you for that zlhzlh- it's what I needed to hear!
I still won't be going to AA or any groups - but thank you for those of you that took the time to reply to my whingeing and suggest something
Groups just aren't my thing - neither is counselling - I think I'd just like to do it online for the time being x
Anna said
"in fact it could be a toxic relationship"
Anna you are right too - it's completely toxic!
The only relationship I could have when I was drinking because I was too ****** up to manage anything else - thanks for that!
I went on a long 12 mile bike ride today and thought about all of this in the sunshine ( cold sunshine I'm in England
) And I think that by slowly phasing this man out of my life is the way forward!I so want to build relationships with people that actually want to be with me!
Anyway - I think I'm rambling now - thanks again for the replies SR is fantastic!
I'm so glad I found it!
x
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