ReadyAtLast

I can't believe I'm writing this but I'm struggling.

I joined SR in January 2012 and gave up a couple of times that year, lasting a few weeks then finally quit on Dec 8 2012.

Since then my life has changed so much for the better. I was not emotionally present as a mother but became so after quitting. I changed where I lived, my career, left a bad marriage and totally turned my life around. I now have a job I love, live in a beautiful place, paid off my debts, have a happy child and am in a new, happy relationship. I have true friends and believe I'm a nicer person. My life really has changed for the better. I've sorted my health out although I do eat too much.

Over the years I've had fleeting thoughts of drinking but they have reduced over time. I can be around people drinking or go in restaurants and it doesn't bother me. I know when things are getting too much and try to take a step back and re-balance.

Over the last few months I've been under more pressure. Problems with divorce, money worries. Of course I've had problems over the last fewyears but have learned how to deal with them without alcohol.

Last Friday I woke up in a terrible mood and wanting a drink. the thoughts did not ease. I ate a lot, ate ice cream, smoked(never liked smoking when drinking)

Then I had a drink. I can't believe I'm writing this. I still can't believe I've had a drink and thrown all that away. Now I'm scared. Scared of how easily I've let things get out of control and taken my eye off the ball. Scared I'm going to do it again. scared of what to do so I don't do it again. I never want my son (6) to see me drinking or see the after effects of it. when I drink I go mad, crazy, anxious, depressed etc.

I'm posting for several reasons. As a cautionary tale for those considering drinking again. For help please so I don't do it again and advice. Plus I feel like a fraud. I'm trying to forget it happened but just can't forget it. It didn't really affect me and I certainly didn't enjoy it. But I know it's only time before it does if I continued to do it. I'm just a mess, mixed up. I know I should have come here on Friday morning when the thoughts were powerful but it's been so long I thought I would be ok and knew best.

courage2

(((Ready))) I replied in our class. You can get past this. Do *not* think you've thrown your sobriety away. You didn't respect the power of the addiction as much as you should -- you're not the first one to make that mistake! But you're right back here, scared out of your mind, exactly as you should be.

Pull yourself up, buy a new frock, spit in the AV's eye, and find someone to talk to. You're terrific and you can get through this bad time with flying colors!

ReadyAtLast

Thanks courage Your kind words mean so much to me, thank you. I'm so ashamed it's taken me a week to actually post on here. Was trying to just forget but that's dishonest and pretending it didn't happen won't help me.

Coldfusion

I don't think you threw away the time you had sober. You still have all you accomplished in that time, and perhaps more important there is all the stuff you didn't lose because of alcohol.

As long as you're not drinking now and don't intend to, we're all rootin' for you!

Soberwolf

I'm really glad you made it back RAL reaching out & making use of the support is vital bud

glad your bk

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing ReadyAtLast. Take a step back and look at the situation for what it really is. And remember that you control what happens from here moving forward. You had a drink - sure that's not good but it's not the end of the world either. Most likely lots of things led up to it and the actual drinking was just a manifestation of that.

Pull together all your resources and maybe even consider trying some new ones to re-establish and strengthen your sobriety. You know SR is always her for you no matter what.

Upward2Enlightenment

The important thing is that you didn't give up. The only thing that drink proved is that you are human. Try to learn from the experience so you will be better equipped next time.

Best wishes

ReadyAtLast

Thanks for your kind words. It was SR and the support here that got me sober in the first place so I know I need to come back on board more frequently. I should have posted on Friday morning but hindsight is, as always, a wonderful thing.

ScottFromWI

I see now that you had taken a couple of weeks away from SR leading up to this. That's exactly what happened to me as well after my first sober stretch...I got complacent and somehow got the crazy idea in my head that having one or two wouldn't hurt. Well, of course it hurt...a lot!

Do you have any other support outside of SR?

Upward2Enlightenment

I agree with Scott, if you are experiencing a lot of stress or whatever that is making you think about drinking, seek out some help whether here or F2F.

ReadyAtLast

You're right Scott. I don't post often, mainly in the class every couple of weeks but tend to read more. I haven't been on for a few weeks now though. I should have come on when struggling and not let it get to this stage.

I used mainly SR and reading - AVRT worked well for me but easy to lose track of it over the years. I know I can do it again, just daunting thinking back to the beginning

courage2

I gotta chime in here too, RAL. My morning checkins on a few threads help me remember that my commitment to recovery is part of every day.

doggonecarl

Don't beat yourself up too much, and don't wallow in your mistake.

Two years ago, in June, I threw away over five years clean for a weekend drug binge. Okay, a long weekend.

It didn't derail me, though it certainly could have. I recommitted to recovery and so far so good. I realized I can't take a break from recovery. Not a day.

And another thing I realized, in hindsight, I saw the signs of a relapse in the making and did nothing to stop it. So recognize your struggles for what they are. Red Flags.

Good luck moving forward.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Carl. It helps to know I'm not the only one who has done this after a longish period of sobriety, although sorry to hear it happened to you too.

Courage- you're right. I had forgotten to check in regularly and remind myself of how precious sobriety is and how easy it is to lose if we take our eyes off our recovery.

Upward2Enlightenment

My counselor would always say that a relapse happens in the mind well before happening in real life.

Anna

I'm sorry that this happened, but glad that you have come here and posted about what happened. Don't allow the fear and shame to overwhelm you, because that what the disease wants. You are showing your strength by coming here and posting and I do hope you continue to use SR for support.

ReadyAtLast

Thank you Anna. I keep telling myself something you always say - about how balance is so important. If I look back I recognize how I have been losing balance over the last few weeks and becoming overwhelmed by things I can't control together with not dealing with the things I can. Also losing perspective.

I was so ashamed to post but do glad I have done and feel relieved. I know I can do this with the support on SR.

Jeni26

I'm sorry to read this my friend.

What is really important...vital...is what you do from here on. Please don't get lost in that negative thinking around throwing away your sober time. I did just that, and it led to a bit of a spiral for me.

Don't focus on that drink, just tuck it away and move forward. Step up your support, hang around on SR for a while, do what you need to, but don't EVER think of yourself as a failure, or that you are starting again from the beginning because it simply isn't true.

You are a non-drinker. You have turned your life around, and you are a strong successful woman.

That one drink changes nothing. You've got this xx

ReadyAtLast

Thanks for your kind words Jeni. You're right- what matters is what I do from now on. Thank you for giving me hope and strength. How are you getting on now? I remember you had a similar issue.

Jeni26

I drank after coming up for 3 years...I had never quite got my mojo back after that really...the disappointment and sense of failure was so hard to shake off. I got a few months here and there, 10 months at one point, but I just couldn't maintain it. My last relapse at the end of Jan just knocked me for six and I reached my own personal rock bottom.

But I'm stronger than ever now. I really feel like I had no option but to pick myself up and get on with life. I'm 80 days sober tomorrow and I just know that my drinking days are over now.

You can do this. Just keep walking and never look back ❤️ Xx