Acheleus

Ok I am ten months sober and I have a solid support system in place where I live. Tonight I took a long jog and I felt good about being 25 days away from my last cigarette. It is time for me to get myself back. I got sucked into an unhealthy relationship and I made some serious mistakes when I first entered recovery. Yesterday I called a friend in recovery and he said I need to just lay low and be single for about 6 months and work on building my foundation. I am tired of not being myself and I want to stand up for my own needs without worrying about someone else. The stress of a dysfunctional relationship is killing me. It may be almost as bad as alcohol. I want to be free and I want to work on building my foundation in recovery. My gut tells me to work on myself so that I can one day have a healthy relationship with a healthy person. I am very proud of myself for being 10 months sober and I have to remind myself that I am saving my own life. I hope everyone is having a good night/day.

Bunting23

Alcoholic or not, it is never a good idea to stay in a "dysfunctional" relationship., especially one that's "killing" you. Your gut is telling you to exit for a reason.

Not long ago I learned that taking responsibility for the bad situations I find myself in can be really empowering. Making statements like "I got sucked into an unhealthy.." leaves you powerless. I have learned to say, "I allowed myself to get sucked into....." This gives us the control to make changes we need to.

Congrats on 10 months! you definitely deserve a healthy relationship, sounds wise to step back and work on YOU.

Dee74

Being yourself is always a good thing Ach

D

fantail

The silver linings: 1) you stayed sober, and 2) you know exactly what you need to change to feel happier. Those are both great things! Congrats on ten months and your time off cigarettes. I had two months off cigarettes and smoked again this weekend, so I need to battle that one again.

least

Congrats on ten months sober! Good that you are taking care of yourself.

Hawkeye13

Congrats on your ten months Ach and quitting smoking too! Great job~

What specific steps have you taken to make sure this person cannot contact you
or undermine your self-confidence and sobriety again?

I say this because you keep letting her back in the door.

You will be much happier and stronger when there is no chance of
her engaging with you.

Bunny211

Congrats on 10 months and I agree with the others. It is not good to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I'm taking this first year to be ME and focus on becoming who God meant for me to be. Heck I might need more than a year to figure that all out...we shall see.

Sending love!

Soberwolf

Congrats on ten months you have a wise friend ach

Anna

10 months sober is great!

entropy1964

Congrats on 10 months. It is great that you realize you need to protect yourself, your values and your boundaries. That's a big step.

When I was a year sober I got involved with someone. I thought I was ready. But hindsight tells me the relationship was extremely toxic. The narcissist and the codependent (me). He became my drug, and it worked well for a while. But when the drug stopped working (tolerance) I would do anything (compromise my values and boundaries) to get more....but that didn't work. So I was resentful and angry. Anyway, after a few months away from the relationship I began to see what happened. I also realized that I owned it all. I let myself be sucked in and manipulated. No one duct taped me to a chair. I should have left months before I did.

No one treats me badly. I let them. Good for you for realizing you need to get out before a relapse!

Acheleus

I am not healthy enough to be in a relationship. It is time for me to quit worrying about other people. The book "Codependent No More" helps me learn about my own mistakes and flaws. I am really tired of feeling unloved and I know I deserve a relationship that makes me feel good about myself. I really want to feel good about myself again. I will use this website as part of my sobriety and no contact.

teatreeoil007

Ach:

I'm just mainly going to encourage you to stay in the present. Not in the past, especially, but also try to avoid becoming anxious about the future. You've done a lot of work on yourself so far and made some wonderful positive changes in your life.

As to this relationship that you seem hung up on: You both probably got sucked in and a certain amount of it is likely the attraction of the FLESH and getting some sort of need(s) met. But if it's unhealthy, it's unhealthy. It almost sounds like a love-hate relationship and while those types of relationships can be passionate and feel good at times, when the 'hate' part kicks in they can be very destructive. Hot/cold? A bi-polar relationship perhaps?

Anyways: I perceive that some of this is you being trapped by your own thinking and your own thought patterns. I see you sort talking yourself out of the relationship and going no contact, but for some reason you suddenly CHANGE, contact is resumed, and you are back together. This back and forth stuff can be damaging in its own right, minus the other issues. So, I'm going to challenge you to get out of your head and break your thought patterns which seem to repeat themselves. Awesome, that you are approaching this sober and good job on NOT SMOKING! That's huge. Keep up the good work Ach. You can do this!

teatreeoil007

And you are right: It's time to quit worrying about other people. They will can take care of themselves and will be just fine. You'll really feel so much better when you can finally let go; especially when you can finally let go of the negative emotions and thoughts. Try to stay positive . There is a lot of power in positive thinking.

ReadyAtLast

Thank you for your post. It has helped me tonight. Congratulations on 10 months sober

Thumpalumpacus

'Grats on ten months sober.

Prioritize your sobriety, and quash any threat to it, be it a relationship, an old trigger, or what-have-you. Breaking off a relationship hurts, but allowing it to work on your mind is dangerous, I think.

The past is gone. Leave it behind.

Acheleus

I am just tired of feeling like I am not good enough. When I get healthy I will be ready for a woman who will make me feel good about myself. One thing I have learned is I cannot be in a relationship with an alcoholic. If I have a partner in life I do not want them to be an alcoholic.

teatreeoil007

When you get good and healthy Ach, you won't need ANYONE to make you feel good about yourself. Once again, try to stay in the present. The best 'partner' you can possibly have in life is yourself; healthy, whole, complete. I don't blame you for wanting to steer clear of alcoholics. You've been burned. And there are people who will not date certain types including recovering addicts.

You never know who you will end up falling in love with. But, if you are clean and sober and sane you can handle anything in life much better. There are some types of people I had sworn off of before just find myself getting sucked in by those very same types. I couldn't blame anyone but myself for that. But, I'm not going to keep beating myself up for it. My sister swore she was never going to get into a relationship with a narcissist ever again. But she remarried to another narcissist. Well, she's a narcissist too, but THAT'S another story in and of itself.

No one can make you feel good enough but YOU...

Hawkeye13

Have you cut her entirely from your life Ach or not?
What specific steps are you taking to protect yourself?
You seemed to have missed or ignored the question.

You do deserve much better, but if she has any access, you
won't have room for it.

Thumpalumpacus

No one can make you feel truly good about yourself but yourself. Looking to someone else for self-validation is like looking in the mirror to discern left from right -- you will get turned around.

MythOfSisyphus

I think that's a good call, Ach. It's easy to lose yourself in someone else to the point where you're not taking care of yourself or living an authentic life. You have to get back to yourself.