Tati

It's almost midnight here in PA. I'm sitting at my comp mainly just listening to music. I'm anxious as usual (Same ole sh*t every night). I'm not craving alcohol (Thank god). I'm just having SEVERE existential anxiety and it's making me feel really bitter and jealous. Like I feeling myself drifting into negativity mode.

I watch a lot of makeup tutorials on youtube, and all these beauty gurus are just SO beautiful, and they seem to be living these perfect lives. The few "friends" I have seemingly have a good handle on life. One of them is working on her master's in english with her twin sister, the other one works and has a boyfriend. The other one is just naturally upbeat and bubbly. My old best friend went on this 14 day cruise to the caribbean for her 30th birthday. When I turned 30 I just cried the whole day and pigged out. She's straight and she's ALWAYS had her sh*t together. She's naturally tall and thin and can eat whatever she wants and not gain any weight. I usually stay away from social media, because I get jealous and discouraged so easily, but I was curious about her 30th b'day plans so I went on her IG account, which was a stupid idea.

I guess my main issue is that I have NEVER in my life felt "normal" or "well adjusted". I've always felt like this outcast since I was at least 16, and even before that I always felt different. I feel like it just keeps getting worse the older I get. I don't make friends easily, because my friendships always end up one sided and I never seem to click with people. I feel like it's always ME putting in all the effort. I don't trust people. I've never been in love or in a real relationship. ALLLL my experiences with men have been HORRIBLE.

I'm gonna be 31 soon, and I don't have any real passions (Well I do love everything beauty related), nothing excites me. I haven't accomplished anything noteworthy. When I look at my future I just see more tragedy. Like what am I gonna do when my mom passes? Who am I gonna talk to? Who is gonna LOVE me? Who's gonna always have my back unconditionally? She's my partner in crime.

Life is just so f*cked up to me. We are put on this earth and we form these unbreakable bonds with people, and then they just leave us, and we just have to accept it. When my grams passed, me and my mom went to the nursing home together and said our last goodbyes, and I was right by mom's side while she cried holding my grams hands. Who's gonna be my side when I have to say goodbye to my mother? When she's gone I will have nobody. God willing I'll have my brother, but we're not nearly as close as me and my mom. I feel like I won't be able to live without her. I'm not living now!

I just sometimes wonder if this fight is worth it. Like is my pathetic life worth fighting for? I'm not suicidal. I'm actually the complete opposite. I guess I just wanna know for sure that things WILL get better, and that maybe things will work out for me.

Dee74

They say never measure your insides against other people's outsides

The older I get the more I'm sure that very few of us have a 'perfect life' - all of us have our crosses to bear.

Thats not to say that life isn't worth it, or that we;re not worth it either,. My lifes not perfect but I love it...and I love who I am.

I could never say that as a drinker, but I got there as a person in recovery.

Alcohol took a lot from me - the most insidious thing it stole was my joy of life....but I got it back.

You will too Tati

each of us is a beautiful and unique creation. We should remember that

If listening to music and playing you tubes is bringing you down tho - stop it - especially if thats something you did as a drinker.

mix up your routine a little...go crazy (in a good way)

D

fantail

I get the existential angst too. Really badly. I'm 32 and I also think about my parents dying and how I'll never get through it, even though they're both young and healthy still. I can remember being 6 years old or even younger and freaking out about my parents one day dying. I am constitutionally not very good at tuning out the reality of mortality. I also can go from 0 to 80 on these things in a heartbeat. From career confusion to "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE ANYWAY, LIFE IS PAIN" in the space of five minutes.

With passions/interests... one thing that helps me (when I can force myself to do it, which is not often enough) is to deliberately limit my computer time. It's so easy to get by entertaining myself emptily with the internet. When I turn it off, it forces me to actually feel bored, which in turn leads to me finding interesting things to do with my time. On a similar note, when i have something I'm interested in vaguely I try to sign up for a class or otherwise commit myself to trying it somehow. It's like I have to fight against my own inertia, but I'm happier once I do.

Not sure if that's useful at all. But even if it's not, I know how you feel, with the envy and the fear. It's almost 3 in the morning here and I'm still on SR because every time I try to sleep I start cartwheeling mentally. Not sure if it gets easier, but I know I'm getting better at dealing with it the longer I'm sober.

least

It gets better. Really.

doggonecarl

You have a lot of negativity. Self induced. That makes it hard to work out in our own heads. So I suggest counseling. Strongly. You have a right to love yourself and love your life.

entropy1964

Hi Tati
I relate to a lot of your post. The feeling of being different, not fitting in etc. Most of this, for me, stems from my childhood. Being told by my mother that I'm different, unattractive. I'll have to rely on my intelligence etc. My father was a drunk and not involved so it was mainly my Mom that took me apart. First diet when I was 8. Constantly hungry. Sucked. And to make things weirder, the Mom I have now (I'm 50 now) is nothing like the 'mommy dearest' I grew up with. Very weird and hard to reconcile.

Couple of things I've learned. I own my self image. The negative self talk, the comparisons, the judgments? That's all my mother's voice from childhood. Honestly? I'm an attractive woman now. I don't know why my Mom did what she did. Weight. I've fought it all my life. Its just the way it is. Food is fuel, not my friend. I can't eat whatever I want, never could, never will.

I own my happiness. When I get on the rat wheel of negative thinking and self talk I must take ownership and get off. I try not to think about the future too much. Future tripping accomplishes nothing. They say if you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow you're pissing on today. I try to stay mindful, live in the moment, take ownership for my thinking, and make the best of today and today only.

Find a good therapist that you can talk to. Someone to help you learn to change the voices in your head and love yourself. And value that relationship you have with your Mom. You're very lucky to have that.

You are more than your outsides....beauty is skin deep. Cultivate the person you are on the inside! Hang in there.

totfit

Who is to say that all those people who appear to have seemingly perfect lives do not feel just the way you do at least at times? I don't think that there is anyone that does not at times feel conflicted. I think you are being much too hard on yourself for having negative feelings and it just spirals further and further. Give yourself a break, understand that you, like everyone else are just "beans". Take time to search for, create, find, positives in your life.

Nowsthetime

Dear Tati:

I hate to read this negativity! Who is going to love you if you don't love yourself? Self doubt and negativity is feed for AV.

You are a unique individual. Celebrate that! If you aren't happy with yourself people can feel that, it touches every aspect of your life. Drinking will NOT help.

Chin up girl!

Anna

I think the best thing you could do is to take action. Do something positive today and again tomorrow and you will begin to see more positive things in your life.

Since you feel passionate about beauty related things, maybe you could start a blog where you review various beauty products that you use. You could start small and see what happens.

And, I think the people we have in our lives are there to help teach us what we need to learn. Sometimes they will be in our lives for a very long time, sometimes only a brief passing through.

Midwest1981

Tati-

I deleted my Facebook. I am so much happier without it. I feel a lot better and I am actually concentrating on my own life and not what everyone else is doing. lol

My dad died four years ago. We were really close. We talked everyday on the phone or video chatted. It was tough but you do get through it and accept it. I hope you don't have to go through that for a long time though.

I hope you do something fun today. Maybe watch some more stand up comedy, . I like the idea mentioned above about starting a beauty blog....maybe do some product reviews. I would like to hear about those infused waters after you make them.

Tati

I am the same exact way! I actually don't think there's any meaning or "point" to life. I feel up like it's up to an individual to make their own meaning.

I'm was only sitting at my comp to change up my routine. I used sit in my room on my bed to get wasted. But you make a very good point.

Tati

Thats true. I don't know. You never know what someone is going through. I know everyone goes through moments of feeling conflicted, but i'm definitely at the extreme end of the spectrum.

Tati

No disrespect, but I don't feel like I was being THAT negative, and I never understood that way of thinking. I've heard it a lot and I think it's kinda messed up. So because a person doesn't love themselves they don't deserve love? Not trying to attack you. I'm just saying I never agreed with that philosophy.

I was also just expressing a legitimate fear. Because I'm not married, I don't have any kids (I don't plan on having any either). I don't have anyone who I would call a super supportive best friend, I'm not very close to my brother. I don't have any other family. My mother is the only one who TRULY loves and cares about me, and when she eventually passes I will never have that unconditionally love again, and that scares me.

I wasn't craving alcohol last night. I had absolutely no plans to drink. I still don't wanna drink as triggered as I am.

Tati

I agree with you . I've actually thought a lot about doing that. I have a lot of dreams and "goals". I just haven't gotten past this mental hurdle yet to actually make them a reality, or at least try to anyway.

Tati

I deleted allll my social media accounts. I have a love/ hate relationship with social media. I think it can be VERY toxic, but I've seen it used for good too, but I'm not in a good head space right now to be on it so......

I watch stand up every day I was talking to my mom earlier and I started crying, and she was like we need to do something fun. Like plan a day to do something. Like drive around PA and explore. Maybe she's right. I Could be going a little stir crazy. Thats probably why my moods are so erratic lately.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I wish our parents could live forever.

Someone mentioned finding a therapist. I'm actually in the process for looking for one now, and a psychiatrist, because I need to be on some sort of mood stabilizer or antidepressant. Finding therapists and psychiatrists in allentown is not easy. In NY it was CAKE, because literally everyone in nyc is nuts lol. Thats what living in a big city does to to you. Native NY'ers "hate" the city, but we can't imagine living anywhere else. I'd move back in a heart beat if I could.

Thats another thing! I didn't have this existential dread when I lived in NY. As soon as I moved I started obsessing over it. I guess because I never thought in a BAJILLION years I would ever leave. It NEVER once crossed my mind that I would move out of the city. Not once. I guess I'm still in shock.

Tati

No disrespect, but again I don't feel like I was being that negative. I was just expresses my fears and worries. I don't deny that I can be negative though.

Midwest1981

Tati,

I think their are some good things about social media too. Like keeping up with family. I hate it for some reason now. I figure if anyone wants to know what I am up to they can call or text me and I can call or text and check on friends too. I get tired of all the political posts too. Even though some are funny.


I think it's a great idea to plan a fun day with your mom. It would be awesome to explore.

I don't like change either. It would be a huge adjustment going from a HUGE city to where you are now.

I hope you find a therapist you like soon.

Fabela

Tati, you're not negative. You're just responding to life as you know it. There is more to life than you think, please try to find it.

doggonecarl

You wrote:

Guess I have a different definition of negative than you. Hope you are feeling more positive today!

Tati

I don't think thats being negative. I think thats being REAL, because life IS kinda f*cked up (Maybe I should've used "tragic" instead) when you really think about it, and you took that sentence out of context. I went on to talk about the death of my grams, and my fear of my mom dying and not having anyone by my side. I understand it's a part of life, and everyone has to go through it, but that doesn't make it any less scary or easier to accept.

I'm not arguing with you by the way. And no i'm feeling REALLY crappy today. But I have ZERO plans to drink. So thats a positive.