amazingjoy

Hi canguy! I hope you have a great get away! I had my first vacation as an adult without a drink this year and it was great! I did not once look back wishing I could have been drinking or regretting that I did NOT drink. :-)

JoFanelli

Time for reading before sleeping. Maybe I will be finishing a damned paragraph this time. Nope. Zzzzzzzzzzz night night

Midwest1981

Canguy- I think it's great you booked a spur of a moment trip. I think it will be relaxing and it will be fun to do it differently.

Have a safe flight CeeFarro!! I am glad you had a great time.

Midwest1981

night JoF!

kittycat3

Hi class, day 5! I am headed to a speaker meeting later. Had a great first talk w my sponsor last night too. I'm a little on edge here at work but things are looking up.

Siesta

Casey, LOL! I think my pretend name makes me an expert on napping. I'm a big fan of the afternoon siesta when possible! Zzzzzzzz

Siesta

Canguy, it might be a good thing to get away. Personally I get so much more out of my vacations when I am sober. The drinking trips tend to be a blur and a waste of a trip.

suzie89

Kittycat, you sound so much more positive and upbeat today. Congrats on getting a sponsor and getting your plan in place.

KarenOskie

I'm really tired, too. I almost nodded off in my AA meeting after work. I think I'm going to lay down and read for a while. Still loving this book, "Moments of Clarity". Excellent get sober reading. I'm off work tomorrow. What a blessing! Some guy in the meeting shared that when people relapse they are only making their first step stronger, ie, learning how bad alcohol really is for them. For some reason it set off my AV, like 'Okay, maybe I need to drink some more!'. So stupid! I know really, really well from many years of experience how bad alcohol is for me, how hard it is to come back. I may not make it back if I drink. Anyway, it went away pretty quick and I'm grateful for that!

kittycat3

Thanks Susie, you are right, I am more positive today. I'm sitting outside the meeting right now, trying to get courage to go in I almost kept driving but I'm going to go in now. Wish me luck.

joer53

Gosh am I tired this afternoon. Doesn't help that I got a crazy sugar craving and ate a bunch of gummy bears after lunch. Now I can't keep my eyes open at my desk after the sugar rush wore off.

The wind is blowing pollen and dust through the window, so my eyes are red and scratchy. Hmm... what else can I complain about? A half hour more and I can clock out for the night.

Looking forward to some energy and clarity tomorrow!

Tati

Hey y'all just checkin' in! Day 3 for me. Cravings are fine. Had trouble falling asleep again last night, which is nothing new. I just get suuuuper triggered at night. Every worst case scenario just pops up in my head and I just OBSESS over it. I watched some more stand up comedy last night, which helped and I eventually fell asleep around 4, but I had to get up at 6:30 to help my mom get cleaned up and dressed (She's an early bird). I went back to sleep after that, and woke up around 12. I got a lot done today though. I unpacked all the laundry (I would let it sit in my living room for days because I was too hungover to care), and did some cleaning. I researched a bunch of therapists and psychiatrists in Allentown. I'm HUUUGE procrastinator, and being hungover was another reason I would give myself to put sh*t off. I didn't have that excuse today, and I won't tomorrow. So tomorrow i'm gonna call all these places and hopefully get some appointments. I also need to go to a urgent care facility because I think I ripped out a stitch on my thumb (I still can't believe I chopped onions PLASTERED!!). It hurts like hell and it just looks off.

My mom has been really triggering me lately. Last night and today she was making me REALLY anxious. My mom abuses Ambien. She gets a prescription for 10 mg a night, but she always takes 20 mg because she likes to get "a little buzz". So she goes through her whole prescription in two weeks, and then she gets all anxiety ridden and has trouble falling asleep when she runs out. It's the SAME SH*T every month! She takes trazodone, saphris, xanax ext, AND advil PM. like how much more sh*t do you need to fall asleep?! I told her quitting ambien cold turkey like that every month is f*ckin' up your neurotransmitters! Thats why i'm not a fan of benzos and sedative hypnotics, because just WORRYING about having enough pills to last you the month causes anxiety in of ITSELF! They're counterproductive. She doesn't seem to understand that. She just asked me for two of my xanax! It's just so frustrating!! I'm weening off xanax right now. I haven't been taking it for long......Just two months, It's just not helping much, and I can already feel myself getting hooked on it, so i'm like lemme nip this sh*t in the bud right now.

It's like we eat too damn much, we're both ridiculously overweight, she smokes damn near a pack a day, she does nothing but sit in front of the tv all day. Whenever we go food shopping we buy all this JUNK "but it's on sale!!". I told her today we have NO business going down the f*ckin' bakery isle! NONE. If she lost like 100-120 lbs she would have sooo much more mobility. She could shower by herself, and get dressed by herself. She's not even 60 yet and I feel like she's just sayin' f*ck it to life, and it makes me so angry, because I want us BOTH to strive for a better life. I'm not married. I don't have any kids. I don't really have any friends. I only have my mom and brother, and I want them to be here for as long as possible you know? I'm just scared I guess. She says that she's "self aware" but I was like are you really though? Because I think she's in denial about a lot of things. Both of my grandparents had strokes (My grams didn't die from her stroke, but she ended up bedridden because of it. My gramps died last year at 81 of major stroke). My uncle was severely obese and died suddenly in his sleep when he was in his mid 40's. We keep all three of their ashes on this table in the living room, and I wanna cry every time I look at it. I CAN'T handle putting another family member on that effin' table.

I think i'm gonna have to lead by example. Like i'm gonna have to TRANSFORM into this complete and utter health nut for my mom to get a damn clue. I think, and i'm HOPING if she sees me get really and truly committed she will wanna change to.

I ALWAYS ramble whenever I post on here lmao. Everybody else just gives these short and to the point check in's lol

Tati

Kudos on reaching day 20!

I remember when I was in out patient rehab. During this one meeting I talked about this random urge I had to go clubbing and how I wanted to go on this dinner cruise around the hudson, but I said what would be the point if I can't drink? It wouldn't be any fun. I would be "missing out", and the therapist moderating the group said to me how would you be missing out? You can still dance, hang out with friends, and enjoy the scenery and atmosphere. I was like you know what? She's absolutely right! I feel like in our heads we think we can't ENJOY a specific experience WITHOUT alcohol, and thats completely untrue. If anything I think it RUINS the experience! Because we would be to wasted to really enjoy anything, and then by the next day we wouldn't even remember it! I think when we DON'T drink and are clear headed thats when we can have the full experience. Whatever that "experience" is.

I'm not telling you to go, especially if you think it's going to me a major trigger, i'm sayin you can go to these type of get togethers, and have these types of experiences and ENJOY them Just as much WITHOUT alcohol. I hope that made sense. I'm not the most articulate lol

Edited to add that I hope everyone is do well and staying strong. We got this! I just keep telling my self alcohol= Anxiety, heartache, and pain in a bottle.

Winslow

Tati, nobody minds long posts😊 I like it cuz it gives me something to read,been reading around here and realized that some threads of peeps actively using is kinda triggery for some reason,I can feel the despair and hopelessness and I guess it just sort of reminds me of my last stupid binge, got my 10,000 steps in just barely,I too have been tired,haven't been sleeping great sort of half awake,grrr,then was craving chocolate and found a stale watchamacalit on top of the fridge (didn't know they still made those) I ate it happily though haha,gonna try some vitamin d,was suggested for sleep we'll see, hope all are well😊

Midwest1981

Winslow- good job getting those steps in. I hope you get some rest.
Kittycat- good luck at your meeting! I think you will be glad you went.
Karen- It does get harder every time a relapse happens. I think that is the scariest thing. I really don't understand kindling but it's scary. Does anyone here understand it?
Joe- I hope you get some rest.

I have been eating healthy all week and I swam laps today. I feel great. I had a piece of fried chicken for supper and a Heath candy bar. I don't even feel gulity. Haha

Midwest1981

Tati-

I think its a great idea about leading by example and going on a health kick to help yourself and motivate your mom.

I also liked what you told Siesta. You can experience and enjoy everything just as much sober and even more so since you are fully present!!

Congrats on day 3.

Tati

Thanks lol. I know what you mean about getting triggered. I can FEEL the desperation and pain in A LOT of posts on here, and I just wanna hug these people I never met and just tell them you're not ALONE!! I CARE!! I'm rooting for you!! ( Thats legitimately what goes through my head when I read the posts on here)

Am I the only one who feels wired? I don't feel overly tired at all! It's probably from adrenaline, because I'm literally in a constant state of anxiety from the moment I wake up. It's better then hangover anxiety though. Thats another reason why I ramble so much.

I made so many typos in my previous posts, and it's irritating. I missed the 15 mins window to edit!! I just get overly excited and miss stuff when i'm typing. I hope nobody is offended by my excessive use of profanity. I used to post on this caregiver support forum once, and they all essentially hated me because I curse like a sailor. (Small voice) They were all low key lame though, and not supportive at all

stargazer016

Nothing wrong with sleep! I had insomnia for the first six weeks after quitting. I would sleep three or four hours and then I would awaken, and my brain started racing full speed. I could never get back to sleep. I guess my brain was used to being drowned in booze every night and compensated for it. I was thrilled the first time I got six hours of sleep!

JoFanelli

Morning! I thought it was Friday. Bad beginning hahaha!!! A sober hug to everybody!

OnlyTheLonely

Couldn't agree more with Siesta. I'm just back from a 10 day vacation and was dreading it because I thought I would spend it being drunk. I managed to stay sober for the complete trip and it was one of, if not the best vacation I have ever had.

I kept reminding myself "you've earned this holiday, you have spent good money on a flight and nice hotel, don't waste it by drinking".

Good luck and enjoy your vacation.