joshywaa718

So I won't bore everyone too much with my life story and why I think I'm an alcoholic.

Anyways, my story started in March of 2014. I had always been more of a social drinker but got off prescription opiates and kind of replaced one with another. I lost my job one that I truly loved, my roommates basically kicked me out. Tried living with my dad for a month after that but he was quickly fed up with my alcoholism. I lived in seedy motels for a month just drinking my life away, my car was repoed, etc.

I finally decided to try sobriety in July of 2014 and went to AA meetings. I was very committed. I went to 2-3 a day, got a sponsor. But I could never seem to get more than 11 days at a time. And my sponsor although he still wanted me in his life, said he couldn't sponsor me anymore because of my frequent relapses. He wanted to spend his time on someone that really wanted the help and rightfully so.

After this, I kinda gave up. I went back to moderate drinking for a while instead of my usual 1/5 of whiskey a day. More social drinking if you will. And it worked for a little while even though I would still make an ass of myself, spend weekends recovering from hangovers, etc.

But yet here I am again. This time I have another full time job and I want to keep it. I have a car again. My relationships are suffering though.

I am currently as of the last three months drinking about a 1/2 gallon of whiskey or vodka every 3 days. I don't miss work often. But my entire day is spent in withdrawal and it's extremely uncomfortable. There's been a few times I was afraid I was close to a seizure. I don't want this life anymore. It's not fun anymore. I know how much potential I have.

I don't have health insurance and so I unfortunately can't go to detox/rehab. So I've been weaning myself slowly over the last two days and so far it's worked. I have my plan written down and I keep track of every drink I have. So far I haven't gone over my allotted drinks per day. I've been back in touch with AA buddies. Ready to get back on the wagon and give myself a real shot at life.

However, I still have these thoughts/fears about getting sober as irrational as I know they are: What about all the events/things I'm going to miss out on because I'm sober? How do I have fun doing anything sober? How do I deal with the feelings of the hell I've caused in my past while drinking/using? How do I mix my financial situation? Can I really do this? How do I socialize with others without alcohol in my system? How do I battle the depression without prescription medication?

I know these are really irrational thoughts and caused by my alcoholism. I just want to know some strategies that some of you used to defeat these self-defeating thoughts and worries that keep alcoholics sick and what helped you the most in early recovery?

I really do want this and want to give it another try. This time my mindset is not on quitting drinking forever, but just telling myself what they tell you in AA which is "ONE DAY AT A TIME." I didn't really work that simple principle last time I tried to get sober and it failed me. I'm 25 years old, been an addict/alcoholic for 8 years and it's just time to try something different that might actually bring myself happiness. No matter what, I'm gonna keep trying.

Happy for all of you that continue to make strides everyday in your recovery. Because it's one of the hardest things ever. I want so bad to have what all of you have. Again, any advice, suggestions, etc....are greatly appreciated.

doggonecarl

Welcome.

My advice...put up with missing out, turn your back on your "old" ways of having fun, and focus on your recovery and the job you so badly want to keep for at least a year. A year sober. Then revisit the fear of what you are missing out on.

I'm pretty sure that if your recovery is strong, you will be surprised how much better sobriety is.

Delizadee

You sound like you're on the right track.
When people say alcoholism is progressive it doesn't just mean in amounts and tolerance
.. it progressively consumes your whole life and the toll becomes deeper than just financial. It eats you up inside and a person's relapses and ensuing withdrawals become worse and worse.

Be ever vigilant with your plan. If it becomes too easy make sure you review and strengthen your forces. Stick close to SR. It's a lifeline.

I'm surprised your sponsor let you go that way. So many people relapse. However your sponsor is human and maybe it hits close to home. My advice would be find someone with long term sobriety who's seen more than one person relapse and come back to it. They will also hopefully know where to be tough and soft.
Keep reaching out no matter what.

joshywaa718

Thanks for the reply!

I totally know it's an irrational thought. I know it's possible to have fun sober, I know there are plenty of people out there that do.

I feel like my alcoholism tries to get me to romanticize my past. The funny thing is 95% of the "fun" times or events were really not that fun. There's just something in the back of my head that says well what about the 5% of times where things went smoothly and you had a blast.

But then it's like so what? Is it really worth seeking that 5% if I'm destroying my life? Especially because I could be sober and be 100% there and present and enjoy a situation with no regrets or trying to piece things back together because I got black out drunk.

joshywaa718

Thank you!

The best thing I can do is just to reach out. Stop the isolation, talk to people. Sometimes as an alcoholic, it feels like you are the only person going through or that has gone through that. Another irrational thought. But there are so many people out there that know exactly what you're going through. I've lurked here for years and this time something inside told me to reach out.

And yes, the withdrawals seem to be worse. Last time, I had my prescription Klonopin which helped with the withdrawing process...but I decided to stop the use of them. Because they can be just as addictive and habit forming in the long run.

I drink a lot, but nowhere near where I was the first time it really spun out of control. But the crazy thing is, the withdrawals are the worst they've ever been. Alcohol is really a progressive and crazy disease that I no longer wish to actively participate in anymore.

IvanMike

Advice?

Stop using. Every day make the decision not to use that day no matter how you feel, and then stick to it for that day. Go to a meeting every day. Call someone before you use, not after. Find the guys with a lot of clean time that also kind of scare you because they aren't miserable and have their life together. Those are the guys you want to hang with and call.

There is nothing magic about recovery, nor is there a secret formula that will make it easy and painless.

In my experience there is a formula, but it's not secret. We use the same formula in NA. Only 12 ingredients.

Dee74

Hi Josh

I think getting sober is a massive change for most of us - it requires a leap pf faith - a faith that everything is going to be ok.

In my case, everything is so far beyond ok it's ridiculous. I have a life now I could not have dreamed of when I was drinking because I would not have dared to hope things could be this good.

I re-discovered an old me I'd forgotten about. That alone was worth the effort.

I hope you'll give it a try josh

D

Soberwolf

Welcome Josh

thomas11

Let us know how you are doing today Josh?

stillpooh19

Do you have problems with depression outside of alcohol use or are you concerned about withdrawals?

joshywaa718

I never noticed depression until I started drinking/doing drugs.

I've had anxiety and PTSD pretty much my whole life. So I guess my anxiety is probably the main concern. I know the depression is in large part due to my alcoholism.

joshywaa718

I'm still going strong on weaning myself off at home. Still have yet to go over my allotted drinks per day. The schedule I'm on will put me at my last drink on Sunday.

My body definitely notices that I'm putting less alcohol in it, but no matter what I'm going to push through.

I have the option to refill my Klonopin to help with my withdrawals but I feel like its counterproductive. So I'm just gonna fight through and hopefully it's ok.

Any positive thoughts, vibes, energy, prayers.. Are definitely appreciated.

Hope everyone is doing well and having a wonderful sober day!

tomsteve

"......not on quitting drinking forever, but just telling myself what they tell you in AA which is "ONE DAY AT A TIME." I didn't really work that simple principle last time I tried to get sober and it failed me. "

one day at a time didnt fail you. YOU have to do one day at a time- not IT do you.


i do t think ive read very often of people that "weaned" themselves off of alcohol. in fact, i dont think ive read of anyone successful at it.

im not sure where you live, but in the US, there are state/ government funded detoxes everhwhere. it is NOT something to be doing without medical supervision.
have you discussed this with your friends from AA and asked if they know of 9a detox/rehab thats state/govt funded?

one other thing:
PLEASE dont "attempt" or "try" sobriety.

DO it.

heres a few words from dr bobs story:

If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails, if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink


do you have a big book and have you read it? if you have one,pick it up and start reading. if not you can read it online.

joshywaa718

I do have a big book and having nothing against what I've read in it. I also understand there's not one way to get sober. I know I can do it, I've done it quite a few times. My issue is staying sober. But I feel a lot more open minded this time around.

The one day at a time approach failed because I didn't approach it in that manner. I thought "Oh my god, I can't drink forever." When what I should've done is tell myself "I'm not going to drink TODAY" and just keep telling myself that everyday.

I went into AA very afraid of the preachy God thing. I'm agnostic but most of the people I had discussions with told me that your higher power can be anything you want it to be. That helped.

I'm extremely open-minded and the reason I posted was to get many points of view. Thanks for your response!

least

I also wondered what I would do if I didn't drink. The answer is, anything I want to do. And I do it better sober.

The best thing I did to help my recovery was to start practicing gratitude every day. I made myself find at least one thing to be grateful for every day. It became a habit and it makes me focus on the positive instead of the negative.

joshywaa718

Thanks!

It's hard to know what to do with myself sober. Drugs/alcohol have always been my top priority and I want to have that feeling of alcohol not holding me back and just being able to be present and enjoy the moment.

tomsteve

getting sober is hard- it was the hardest thing i ever did in my life. i had many days i was down to one second at a time. but i put my trust in the people in AA that it would get easier as long as i put in tbe footwork.
sure enough, just as the program promises here:
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. Wereact sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

staying sober got easy.
by working tbe program i recoverey from the hopeless state of body and mind. i no longer have a problem with it. it no longer exists.

however

to get here, i had to decide i wanted what the program said i would get, which i could only find out by reading the bb many,many,many times, and became willing to go to any lengths.

its been a great journey.

i hope you look into medical help with the detox. doing that is much safer and smarter than trying to wean.

joshywaa718

Well I have 36 hours currently sober and I am just gonna keep going. Not looking back and just trying to stay sober today. That's all you can do right? Just tell yourself you'll make it through today without a drink.

Dee74

Congrats on 36 hours Jopsh.

I think you can actually do a little more than that

whats your recovery plan look like?

D

joshywaa718

I am starting back at the gym tomorrow. I've been good all year at going but neglected it the last two weeks as my drinking progressed. I would do my workouts after work and then come home and get trashed. Makes no sense right? Haha very counter-productive.

Excited for my workouts to actually mean something now. I'm also going to attend an AA meeting everyday. So my life will probably be work, gym, and then AA meetings for a while. I'm really scared, not going to lie. But I have greater fear of continuing to drink the way I do, than getting sober.