Delizadee

I'm so lost.

I don't know if I need a kick in the a$$ or a hug or nothing at all.

I kind of want to give up on life... I don't want to face anything sober or drunk... none if it's very appealing at all right now. I truly regret this relapse so much. It just doesn't seem to matter. If I was drunk, sober, dead or alive I don't think it would change much of the circumstances today.

I got ten years on my birth mom... she left me and this earth when I was 18 months old. I don't seem to be doing my kids here any good. I don't know why I bother?

All the money and sobriety in this world could not fix the hurt in my heart. I just don't know how to deal with it all. And I've pushed everyone away.

God help me. Or someone. I am so broken.

sleepie

Deliza We have all been there. Hopeless and alone with barely even ourselves to cling to.

What can you build on? Can you make some connections at a meeting maybe?

Getting sober and staying sober is the first step. You'll start to feel stronger.

Anna

I'm so sorry you are feeling lost and alone. I know being a Mom is a very hard and sometimes thankless job. I'm sure you are doing what you can for your children. If they don't appreciate it now, there will come a time when they will.

Don't give up on life. You can make changes in your life as long as you stay sober.

We're here for you.

least

Please don't give up on yourself. You have worth, even if you can't see it right now.

MIRecovery

I understand your pain but there is a way out. For me quitting drinking, was step one, working the steps of AA was step two, leeding a life based on spiritual principles was step 3, enjoying a life better than I could have imagined was step 4. Then repeat for all the days granted to me.

We are in charge of our own destiny's. We didn't get sick in a day and we are going to get better in one either. The important thing is that we start on the path to recovery

emme99

Delizadee, I am sorry I am not great at advice but I care and hope you feel better soon

Dee74

Hi Del

that kind of despair sounds vbery much like me when I was drinking, or had just stopped.

Things do get better and your mind anmd perspective will get clearer.

Each sober day is like another deposit in the self -esteem bank

If you're feeling really low and you want someone to talk to who understands and who may be able to point you to help, there's about every crisis line in existence in this link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html

You can do this Del - and I'm not just blowing smoke. You've got what it takes.

I hope you start believing that again soon

D

360startstoday

Love you Del. Like always. I have prayers and hugs for you. You can get back on, you did it before, you know how awesome it is, despite the madness. You felt good for you, doesn't matter what anyone else says, does or thinks. It's for Del.

Delizadee

I know I want so badly to undo this stupid relapse... I know wasn't prepared for all this court crap. I just don't know how to handle all the rejection especially from my own kids when even at my worst they could hardly find fault in me until I left them with their dad to get myself better...
I try so hard to go to meetings when I can and when I have money to. I just don't feel like I have much left... I'm too much of a bother... I don't really know how to face the next month and a half and start a new job and two more court dates and keep myself sane and sober... seems like I can easily get the sober but staying sane seems like a fools errand at this point...

ALinNS

Delizadee, you are no bother at all and I thank you for posting, I can relate to your post, especially when I drank, I would get so down I just wanted to check out but trust me life is worth living sober, our minds have to clear, sure it's a battle and it can be tough but life is good.

Is there anyone you can reach out to and maybe talk to? Consider calling AA's hotline or I know where I live there is a 24/7 mental health crisis line, I have called them many times in the past and I am not embarrassed at all to say so, I called because I needed help.

I hope and pray you will put a cork in the bottle, stay close and we are here for you.

Andrew

sleepie

Deliza you got a lot going for you even if you can't see it right now, your PM the other day spoke volumes to the sort of person you are and the world needs more like you

suzie89

Deliza, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I guarantee you that your kids need you. I hope you can reach out and get some help now--a meeting, a hotline, a dr appt. You are worth it and so are your kids. Hugs.

Delizadee

Oh 360 I love you too girl and you to sleepie... all of you
I live in one of those places where there is lots of help to be had if you have the support in place. I don't really have that anymore. I leaned heavily on the support I was given in the early days. It slowly dwindled down over time and I'm left to my own resources now. It is what it is, I need to strengthen my resolve and get back to it on my own.

I'm just feeling like a puddle of mud in the corner today... there is no excuse for this I know... I just want it to stop but I know real life doesn't stop while waiting for me to get better.... so tomorrow will be rough... I has no ideas how to not lose my mind in a month and 6 weeks from now when I have to go face this all again. Ridiculous I am. I should be put in an institution before and after those days. Sad face.

Delizadee

Thanks Andrew... I may call the holiness tonight. I know people have posted about it before- I have never called.

Delizadee

Holiness- hotline. I don't know why my phone autocorrects to that? A sign maybe? Lol

Delizadee

I think the hardest point I hit was planning out how to end it all when I was sober. I don't want to hit that again. It seems easier to deal with irrational drinking than sober rationalizing doing something so final as a response. I'm trying to work towards lining up a therapist to deal with all the underlying issues. It's a lot.of hoops to jump through. Which I've been trying to do my whole adult life. It's really hard. Medication doesn't suit me well. I don't know. It's just hard.

EndGameNYC

Yes, it's hard. And that's why many of us do it. It's about time we ate our vegetables.

A lot of us here are experts at burning down our lives. Some us have done it more than once.

I had many very dark and excruciating "moments" in early sobriety as opposed to constant fear and dread while I was drinking. I needed a lot of help and a lot of support to make it through. And I got all the help I asked for, and then some. I needed to be in contact with people who'd gotten sober and who were in the process of getting sober every day for a year or more.

I exhausted myself with my treatment, leaving me cherishing my alone time, late at night, instead of using that time to worry over the things I'd done, how I'd failed and what little there was for me to look forward to in my life. So at night I read, convinced myself that there was a better way for me, and slept. Not very exciting, and nothing groundbreaking about what I did to get sober. I can't tell you which part of all this "worked" for me, though I can say without reservation that consistent help and support, and my willingness to accept it, kept me going.

Death is...what? A step towards a newer, better life? Eternal return, or coming back repeatedly to right the wrongs we've been making all along without knowledge of a previous existence? Or is it just nothingness? The end of being. There's nothing in that for me. (Pun only noticed after I typed it.)

We don't know -- I didn't know -- how much we have to live for until we live it. We don't know what we're capable of until we do it. We don't know what "works" for us until we put in the work.

Sober Recovery is one of the most important places on the Internet because...what? Because you can find your motivation to get sober here, not matter what and how long it takes. Because there is virtually unlimited support. Because people here care about other people who are suffering. And because you never have to feel that you're alone.

Instead of planning on lining up a therapist, do what needs to be done to have a therapist. It's recommended that we "shop around" for the "right" therapist. It's now part of the mesmerizing "culture" of finding a therapist. But some people take it too far. We make lists and conditions, criteria that a potential therapist needs to meet in order to that person to be right for us. In the end, working in therapy is work. And if the therapist is doing more work then you are, then something's not right.

Many of the best relationships evolve between people who may not otherwise believe that they have very much in common. Obsessively interviewing therapists (not saying you're doing this) is generally yet another attempt to control the relationship from the very start, in this case, to control the therapy from the very start. And it most often does not end well.

Reach out, allow people who've been there to help you, and stay together.

Berrybean

Sobriety on its own may not help it, but RECOVERY will. They are two very different things. I stayed sober for 6 months, getting more and more into a tsunami of depressive and morbid thinking before I realised that was what I needed to do. That's when I got a sponsor and started my journey of Recovery, following the 12-step programme. It has completely changed my perspective, and it has given me the tools to work through those feelings on the rare occasions that I feel them stargazer to resurface.

How about you tell us what you're already doing, and then we can suggest things that might help (no good telling you about stuff you already know). So, please share your plan with us. I hate to think of anyone being stuck where I was, when I was going to bed praying to God to just take me so that I never had to wake up and to be myself for another day.

You can get better, and don't believe what your AV's telling you about it all being hopeless. It isn't. Those AVs are just big fat liars and will tell up any old rubbish to make us give up on our sobriety. Please, do NOT take a drink. Alcohol & the Ism = Full blown problematic alcoholism. While alcohol is out of the equation, you will be so much better placed to work on the Ism. It won't be easy, but it WILL be worth it.

Have you ever read the promises of AA? I did, and treated it like any sales pitch. I never really expected any of that stuff to come true for ME. But it has. Just like it has for so many thousands of others, and it can for you as well if you're prepared to stick with sobriety and work on your recovery.

Promises -- A.A. Big Book

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Fabela

Hi sweetie, I'm so sorry that you are struggling. You have many people here who want to help you, but I'm noticing that most seem to focus on sobriety, and I sincerely think that this needs to be addressed from a different point of view. Yes, it is very helpful that you are sober, both because alcohol only would make matters worse, and then you wouldn't be able to feel what you are feeling now. Still, this is so much bigger than your alcohol problem. You doubt yourself and your ability to be a mother, and you wonder if your kids would be better off without you.

Deliza, I have been where you are now. I have found myself on the bottom of a dark, scary hole, where my thoughts were as black as night and I couldn't see even the slightest glimmer of light. I truly believed that I was a burden to my family, that my kids would be better off with another mother, that my husband would be relieved when I was gone, because I was a terrible person, a bad mother and an awful wife. I did everything I could to push people away, to make them see what a misfit I was. I planned ways to kill myself, I even tried once, because I was desperate. I wanted so badly to get away from myself.

But guess what: I got help, good help after the suicide attempt. Slowly I learned to change the way I looked at life, and I was forced to let the rational voice in my head take charge. Now I know that I am the most important person in my kids' lives (with my husband), and that they would be so destroyed if I had succeeded. Not just because they would miss me, but because not having a mother would have such an impact on their lives. You need to see this too. You are SO IMPORTANT to them, and leaving them just isn't an option. I know that on some level you understand what I am saying, so please let that voice say what it needs to say. You are a wonderful person with so much to give to your kids and those around you, and they love you! They love you so much, and they need you to be here, to be the person you are meant to be. We need you too, think of all the support and help you give to others here! The world is a better place with you in it.

I agree that you need help, Delizadee. You should find a therapist as soon as possible, you can't bear the burden of these thoughts alone. I hope that it helps to know that others have felt the same way, that you are not alone, and that it is possible to get out of this horrible place. Keep checking in with us, and do not drink. That only amplifies your feelings, and the alcohol can make you do things you wouldn't do sober.

Thinking of you.

Aellyce

I've just seen this thread, Delizadee. Very sorry you are feeling so low right now.

I do regret my relapse also, and in some moments I had very similar feelings to what you describe about wanting to give it up and not seeing the light. I've found that for me there was a clear pattern in these states and when they tend to occur: always the day after a bad binge. I think it's the direct effect of the alcohol for me.

Don't know you enough to have a picture about how you think, but I know that many of us alcoholics/addicts have a tendency for what in my profession we call "negative affect". It's considered as an umbrella term for personality traits, a tendency to see the dark side of life, events and ourselves, focus on those those more than the good stuff. Focus on what's missing rather than what is there. It is considered a major factor in predisposition to addictions. I am not trying to make an interpretation because I really have no information to do so, but your post reminded me of this so I thought I would bring it up.

The other thing I thought of reading you here is that, based on posts over time, it kinda seems like you experience some fluctuations in moods with quite some amplitudes. And each kind pretty intense. Is this off the mark? If not, I can say I relate. The mental intensity and instability (intense fluctuations in mood) are definitely culprits for me when it comes to self destructive behaviors, and something for which I really want to find a better solution now no matter what it takes (rehab, consistent involvement in self help recovery programs, medication, therapy, whatnot). I have a tendency to become quite enthusiastic about each of these things when they are new and for a while, then lose interest or find flaws in it. Then I leave it, and eventually get back into the same self defeating cycle, if not actual relapse, then other mood issues and distortions. The suicidal ideations are also something I could write a book on, I had many periods in my life when it's pretty much part of my everyday existence. Yet no attempts. Just all the dark and obsessional thinking...

One thing that my mental health team in rehab now already suggested to me is that I continue with intense treatment once I get out of here, like every day, even if it interferes with work and other things I do, for a while. So I am thinking of getting into an IOP program when I'm done here. Continue seeing a psychiatrist to see if the meds they are starting me on here are a good choice and if not, explore other options. And probably back into therapy (individual or group) as well once all the addiction-related treatments are finished. I was very enthusiastic about therapy for a while in the past (as I tend to be with many things mental health related, why I am also in that field professionally). Now with a couple years of uninterrupted experience I think I am much more realistic about it. It's no magic, won't help with everything, but I did benefit some, mostly with regard to clearing up my perceptions and spotting trouble spots I was not so aware of in the past or denied. I did not find it helpful with my recent relapse though but I can easily see why: it is very hard to help an alcoholic who does not want to stop drinking and refuses advice about my erratic behaviors. My counselors here at rehab had the evaluation that I do have an extent of mental instability that would benefit from an intense treatment combination longer term and what actually often makes it worse is that I am so aware of it and analyze it constantly. They suggest to let others do it for me for a while and try not to question them unless something obviously goes wrong. They of course did not describe it the way I do here ("instability") but that's what it technically is. The bottom line is, I do need treatment in a few ways, my recent relapse being only one way.

Just wanted to share these experiences with you. Hope you are feeling a bit better now!