Jim1958

I am new to recovery, past 90 days now. I have quit drinking many times in the past, but always relapsed. But I am working on myself and making progress. This might not be the right forum, but here goes : Years ago a friend of mine died from drug use. I wonder to this day if I could have stopped him somehow. I can still see his face in my mind, and hear his voice. He died in 1988. Today another friend of mine is in trouble. He is still drinking even though he has been fired from jobs for being drunk and has been to rehab after a family intervention. Not long after rehab, he was back to drinking. He has had tragedy in his life, and his sister now has cancer. He is obviously hurting. The last time I saw him, he was drinking beer and whiskey. I drank water. I have tried to get him to go to the doctor in the hope the doctor would scare him into change. He has not gone. I feel like I can't preach to him, only tell him I stopped drinking which I have. How can I tell him anything when I was right by his side for years at endless parties and late nights? I am guilty as he for using alcohol as a coping mechanism. I am worried about him and I don't know how or if I can help him. Other friends have given up. It hurts me to see my old friend this way. Is there some way to steer him away from alcohol? Do I have any credibility after my own troubles? Any thoughts?

Ariesagain

If anything, you have more credibility having been where he is and pulling yourself out.

I have come to believe that the most effective way to reach others is by being an example of what a sober life looks like. All you can do is tell him you're ready to help when he's ready to quit...he has to get to that place on his own.

talldude

When I was heavy into drinking and/or drugs, I did not listen to anybody, especially "some sober square who thought he was better than me."

I don't think you're gonna change his mind anymore than he is gonna change yours about going back to drinking, because if I were him, I would try to get you to go back to drinking so that you could "stop being a fake" or whatever excuse he uses.

Tell him how you feel and cut the tie. Don't let him drag you down because if you let a drunk/druggie drag you down, s/he will do it every time. You know that drunks/druggies don't care about wrecking your life so long as they get drunk or high. Leave it alone if you want to stay healthy.

SparkleKitty

Set a good example.

ardy

Hi Kidds.. my heart is sad too.. for we had a grand young man that was just so funny and smart.. I can see his smile in front of me.. trying to get me not to cry.. toby.. my Dear where are you.. gone.. he was an Actor a Writer of silly great things.. but a user of a needle when no one was around.. he left us the last of Dec 2014.. by himself for several days before someone found him.. we all met at the Black Rose Pub. great food and beautiful virgin Mary's to talk and help each other and remember John Watch'a'call it... hahhahah he loved that.. as we sat and did the but if we had been there for him..what if we did this .. called him more often.. never let him be.... I turned and a face was in the glass window. a sad face for all of these people cared so much for him.. and now he is just a memory of time. on film and in video voice over.. Lelise saw me looking at the window. Deary what do you see. she whispered . toby and his is so sorry for our sorrow.. she held me tight .. tell him Dear we love him so much.. found his stone on the internet and we have all gone up to his parents and him with flowers and verse and tried so hard not to cry.. but tears and an old lady happen all the time... those were good days of sun shine and laughter and film and my hubby was so much healthier.. and Toby loved to talk Monsters of film with him.. What if but I could have ... no Dear Heart for when the Demons of the individual get them in the dark.. no matter how much light we try to bring to offer to make sure is there. is never enough.. I am sorry.. but just keep letting this one know of your Faith Your Heart and paste your Phone number on their wall frigd and on their shirt.. and enjoy the time and days now for they are not as long as they seem.. Love ardy. prayers and just hope for a brighter tomorrow.. I need a tissue..

Anna

It's hard to watch someone go through the pain lf alcoholism. I think the best thing you can do is to show him, by your example, that you can lead a happy and healthy sober life.

thomas11

You have more credibility based on your own struggles. I believe the best you can hope for is to offer the help you can, but if a person is not ready, they won't budge (at least that has been my experience).

Dee74

Some great advice here Jim.

Just a word of caution....I've seen many well meaning people try to help others and both end up floundering.

Like others have said you can be an example, you can help direct your friend to heklp if that's what he wants - but you can't make him sober anymore than he could have made you sober.

It needs to be his call, his choice - his journey

D

uncorked

I second everyone here...your friend has to be ready to quit. I did, and so did you. It's unfortunate that he's going through a hard time and you must feel pretty helpless watching him do this to himself. Still, your own sobriety must be your priority right now. Tell him you're there when he's ready and leave it at that. Maybe once he sees you thriving without alcohol, he'll take notice.

immri

Agree, lots of good advice. I struggle with this too, I have a few close alcoholic friends and it's hard not to want to pull them to shore with you when you start feeling like youre making progress. I think helping others is great, and it personally helps me too, but Id certainly be careful.
I've relapsed too many times to be drawn back into it all, so I just let a few friends know the services I've used and could recommend, and if they want to go to a meeting or something they can call me, then i've cut ties for the time being. Being around an active alcoholic isn't something I can deal with now. Maybe you could let them know you care and hope they get help, without trying to jump in and save them?

fantail

I think, as long as you can do so without putting your own sobriety at risk, the best thing is just to continue to be his friend. You can be someone that he can still see who understands what he's going through but also doesn't get drunk with him. The part of him that's hurting needs friends, and the part of him that's drinking needs good examples.

If being around him makes you feel like drinking though, remember that you relapsing will not only hurt you but also hurt him (by making sobriety look even harder). So there's no nobility in risking yourself that way.

I'm sorry about the loss of your other friend. I know what that feels like and I understand why you're afraid of it happening again.

SweatyHands

You can help him a great deal, but only if he wants and accepts your help. You can't change him, that much is certain. Speaking as someone who has been (as most of us have ) on both sides of this dilemma, the most helpful things to do are not asking him to change. Telling him how much he means to you, how much it hurts to see him in pain, and how you know what it feels like to go through this disease are the first steps you can take. After that, assuring him that you will offer your support and guidance in any way that you can if he chooses to get sober would be the next. And as many have already said, showing him that a happy life in sobriety is attainable is the third. Beyond that, accepting that you have no ability to make this decision for him is critical. This is the most important piece in not blaming yourself for any outcome.

And as an aside, I have lost too many friends and family members to "the lifestyle." I understand how hard it is to be the one left behind. And to then see another going down that same road is just another cruel twist of the knife. But I always tell myself that I made the decision to get sober, and I am the only person for whom I can make that decision. But if I can make that decision, it gives me hope that others can as well.