my story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: robbinsville, nc
Posts: 3
my story.
hello
!
my clean date is february 15th, 2016. today is day 64!
my story; i didnt have a bad childhood. my mom died when i was 4.. but i still had a mom.. my mamaw raised me. so, i dont think her death had anything to with my using but it does have everything to do with me not using, youll read why shortly.
at 15 years old i can remember going to the dentist and getting pain pills and liking them enough to call the dentist back with a pitiful story about how sick they were making me, just to get more. i did it a few times but nothing major. no big deal right? wrong! i wish that stupid 15 year old in had known shed already started to feed the beast that would consume her just a few years later.
at 22 i got to know an old friend of the familes. she just happened to get roxy 30s and 80mg oxys.. plenty of them. and she liked to share because she liked me coming around to bs with. shed front handfuls if it meant having company. ive never been able to take a prescription as prescribed. the bottle says take 1 every 4-6 hours. my mind reads take 4-6 every 1 hour. i grew a high tolerance quick. id started running them in order to lower that tolerance.. yea, right. in the end i was using at least 15 30mg roxies a day. i ended up stealing 40k from my dad and spending it all on tabs in one month. get caught, of course. bam. secrets out.
off to rehab i go. get out. start using again immediately until i decide suboxone is the answer. oh how wrong i was. stay on suboxone for a couple of years and decide im sick of those and want to be clean. suboxone ends up being hell to come off of so i start using benzos and running meth to make it easier? smart, huh? end up off the subs, yay. with a daily iv meth and benzo habit.
in this time i find a junkies dream doctor. he started me on benzos and adderall. next appointment hes got my records and asks about my back. i have degenerative disc disease. gives me 20mg roxies. add all this on top of the iv meth and **** tons of benzos im already taking and im a **** ton of hell.
using always numbed my feelings. now im no longer feeling. anything. im a pincushion that walks. im in misery. i want out but not bad enough. i love my 2 boys and my husband but not enough. not yet. im running off for days at a time. not calling to even let them know im okay. after months of this routine and 12 years of nearly every day drug abuse.. countless run ins with the law. a dozen or so welfare checks because im too sorry to even call to say im breathing.
i run off for 3 days and when i get home my husband has took my 2 boys and left. he brings the boys back just so we can talk. he says rehab is the only way. i say hell no, im fine. i can do it on my own!!
then my 4 year old looks at me and says "i thought you were dead, mommy! youre sick. please go get help mommy, please!!" hes bawling. im bawling and it just clicks. hes 4 and im one shot away from him being just like me. a dead mom at 4. all the feelings i thought i couldn't feel kick me in the gut with such intensity that i throw up. im disgusting. what ive been doing to my family, especially my boys is down right sickening. i hate myself. i need help.
i go to rehab for a month. and here i am 64 days clean. im just starting, but i started. im nowhere near where i want to be but im sure as hell not where i used to be. i have my husband and sons back home. im living again and not just going through lifes motions. im feeling again.. almost too much. the smallest things feel like the end of the world.. but im feeling!
were all dying. but im gonna give it my all to make sure i dont die by my own hand from drugs. ive got too much to live for.
its not even close to being easy, no one ever said it would be, only thatd it be worth it. so, im going for it with the same intensity that i did to stay high.
minute by minute. i love this quote.. "even alice had to fall to get to wonderland".
i fell. i fell hard. but i got back up. all it takes to succeed is to get back up just one more time than you fall. addicts take alot of hostages. our families, our friends, anyone who cares about us. we make them sick too. im slowly releasing mine. god knows theyre ready to be free and well again!
so, here i am.. look at me, living and ****.
thanks for reading! ♡
!my clean date is february 15th, 2016. today is day 64!
my story; i didnt have a bad childhood. my mom died when i was 4.. but i still had a mom.. my mamaw raised me. so, i dont think her death had anything to with my using but it does have everything to do with me not using, youll read why shortly.
at 15 years old i can remember going to the dentist and getting pain pills and liking them enough to call the dentist back with a pitiful story about how sick they were making me, just to get more. i did it a few times but nothing major. no big deal right? wrong! i wish that stupid 15 year old in had known shed already started to feed the beast that would consume her just a few years later.
at 22 i got to know an old friend of the familes. she just happened to get roxy 30s and 80mg oxys.. plenty of them. and she liked to share because she liked me coming around to bs with. shed front handfuls if it meant having company. ive never been able to take a prescription as prescribed. the bottle says take 1 every 4-6 hours. my mind reads take 4-6 every 1 hour. i grew a high tolerance quick. id started running them in order to lower that tolerance.. yea, right. in the end i was using at least 15 30mg roxies a day. i ended up stealing 40k from my dad and spending it all on tabs in one month. get caught, of course. bam. secrets out.
off to rehab i go. get out. start using again immediately until i decide suboxone is the answer. oh how wrong i was. stay on suboxone for a couple of years and decide im sick of those and want to be clean. suboxone ends up being hell to come off of so i start using benzos and running meth to make it easier? smart, huh? end up off the subs, yay. with a daily iv meth and benzo habit.
in this time i find a junkies dream doctor. he started me on benzos and adderall. next appointment hes got my records and asks about my back. i have degenerative disc disease. gives me 20mg roxies. add all this on top of the iv meth and **** tons of benzos im already taking and im a **** ton of hell.
using always numbed my feelings. now im no longer feeling. anything. im a pincushion that walks. im in misery. i want out but not bad enough. i love my 2 boys and my husband but not enough. not yet. im running off for days at a time. not calling to even let them know im okay. after months of this routine and 12 years of nearly every day drug abuse.. countless run ins with the law. a dozen or so welfare checks because im too sorry to even call to say im breathing.
i run off for 3 days and when i get home my husband has took my 2 boys and left. he brings the boys back just so we can talk. he says rehab is the only way. i say hell no, im fine. i can do it on my own!!
then my 4 year old looks at me and says "i thought you were dead, mommy! youre sick. please go get help mommy, please!!" hes bawling. im bawling and it just clicks. hes 4 and im one shot away from him being just like me. a dead mom at 4. all the feelings i thought i couldn't feel kick me in the gut with such intensity that i throw up. im disgusting. what ive been doing to my family, especially my boys is down right sickening. i hate myself. i need help.
i go to rehab for a month. and here i am 64 days clean. im just starting, but i started. im nowhere near where i want to be but im sure as hell not where i used to be. i have my husband and sons back home. im living again and not just going through lifes motions. im feeling again.. almost too much. the smallest things feel like the end of the world.. but im feeling!
were all dying. but im gonna give it my all to make sure i dont die by my own hand from drugs. ive got too much to live for.
its not even close to being easy, no one ever said it would be, only thatd it be worth it. so, im going for it with the same intensity that i did to stay high.
minute by minute. i love this quote.. "even alice had to fall to get to wonderland".
i fell. i fell hard. but i got back up. all it takes to succeed is to get back up just one more time than you fall. addicts take alot of hostages. our families, our friends, anyone who cares about us. we make them sick too. im slowly releasing mine. god knows theyre ready to be free and well again!
so, here i am.. look at me, living and ****.
thanks for reading! ♡
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
You found an AWESOME place to assist with your recovery! There is someone here for you 24/7, without prejudice and always with acceptance.
Congratulations on making the decision to save your own life!
Congratulations on making the decision to save your own life!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Glad you realized you needed to quit and realized you couldn't do it own your own. Hope we can provide additional support and hope you can encourage other addicts not to fight their recovery.
I hope our support can help you get clean for good. Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
i love this quote.. "even alice had to fall to get to wonderland".
i got back up. all it takes to succeed is to get back up just one more time than you fall.
i got back up. all it takes to succeed is to get back up just one more time than you fall.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
"Easy is the way down to the Underworld ...
But to retrace one's steps and to make a way out to the upper air,
That's the task, that is the labour."
I read that today. It's a quote by the Roman poet Virgil.
What you wrote was really beautiful and I couldn't help but make the connection. Thank you so much for sharing your story here.
But to retrace one's steps and to make a way out to the upper air,
That's the task, that is the labour."
I read that today. It's a quote by the Roman poet Virgil.
What you wrote was really beautiful and I couldn't help but make the connection. Thank you so much for sharing your story here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: robbinsville, nc
Posts: 3
thank you all for reading!
i know that addiction is a very complex disease. sneaky, manipulative, cunning, and very patient. i know that shes just sitting there in my head.. waiting patiently for any excuse for me to use. hey starla, the skies blue today, i bet using the would help! i know that its going to get harder before it gets easier. i know that the worst mistake i can make is getting comfortable. i know that i can go back out there just one more time.. but i may not make it back. i know that i can use. and i also know that i dont have to!
i know that addiction is a very complex disease. sneaky, manipulative, cunning, and very patient. i know that shes just sitting there in my head.. waiting patiently for any excuse for me to use. hey starla, the skies blue today, i bet using the would help! i know that its going to get harder before it gets easier. i know that the worst mistake i can make is getting comfortable. i know that i can go back out there just one more time.. but i may not make it back. i know that i can use. and i also know that i dont have to!
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