joer53

I don't know why I am posting here.

I don't think I'm looking for advice. I don't want to advise others. I'm not sure sharing personal details will be of use to anyone.

Yet here I am, posting on a recovery site.

Last night I drank two glasses of wine with dinner, and had two glasses of beer after. That's as much as I've had to drink in a 24-hour period for probably 12 months, or more. It's likely I had more than four drinks on the 4th of July or Thanksgiving, but I don't remember.

Yet here I am, posting on a recovery site.

I've never had a DUI. I've never lost a job. I've never lost a relationship. I don't have any diagnosed physical health problems.

Yet here I am, posting on a recovery site.

I read alcoholism is a progressive disease. It always gets worse. I drank much, much more 10 years ago than I do now. It's been a regression for me. Regression towards what some may call moderation.

Yet here I am, posting on a recovery site.

I don't start drinking until around 8:30 pm. I go to bed by 11:00 pm at the latest. That's it. Just a couple of hours per day, three or four drinks per night, at home watching the game or Netflix.

So why am I here posting on a recovery site?

Because I cannot stop myself from having those three or four drinks each night. It's a compulsion.

I feel shame. I don't sleep well. I have anxiety. I get depressed. I lose creativity. I waste money. I don't live up to my potential. I let myself go. I don't exercise. I avoid others. I lose my edge.

I could make such a vast improvement in my life if I could only solve those two or three hours I devote to drinking each night. But I can't. Or I haven't yet been able to.

I don't know why I posted this. Maybe it's to acknowledge the great work you all do for each other. I read it. It's inspiring. I can empathize.

Maybe posting feels like a tangible step towards abstinence. Or maybe I just need to write something this morning, and this was it.

I could tell myself this morning that I'm not going to drink tonight. I've done that a million times and it usually never works. I guess that's why I'm posting on a recovery site.

IfYouCanDream

Welcome to SR

yinzer

I was like you. Drank a case or more of beer per day in my 20s. Almost died, quit drinking for six months. Picked back up again but was "only" drinking a six pack a day and not in the mornings. Quit again for a bit of time. Last few years was "only" drinking one or two per night. But it was still affecting my health and I couldn't NOT have one or two a night. I thought I was "moderating" or getting better, but the drink still had a hold on my life and defined me. So on March 4 I quit again, hopefully for good this time. Those couple hours a night I spent drinking can be spent more usefully now. I have more money now. Good luck to you and welcome.

Flawed

Welcome!

Soberwolf

Welcome Joer

Opivotal

Welcome joer!

When I couldn't stop drinking on my own, support made all the difference for me.

Everydaysabonus

Welcome Joer. Great post. I was in your shoes 3 weeks ago. If you want this you can do it.

tursiops999

Welcome Joer. My story is a lot like yours.

ScottFromWI

Welcome Joer. Hope you do take some time to ready when you have a chance. As you'll see, many of us were exactly where you are at one point, so we get it. It doesn't really matter so much the amount we drank, but if we couldn't stop or it caused other problems we decided to quit. If that's your goal, you'll find a tremendous amount of support here. Even if that's not your goal now, it's worthwhile to read and learn. Hope you can stick around.

joer53

Sorry, my brain is racing a bit knowing this post is live.

Perhaps it's anxiety taking over my thought process. It's like I'm having a conversation with myself, debating the things I expressed, criticizing the intents and purposes of posting. It's all too much for me.

I may just delete it because I'm having trouble concentrating at work. If I do delete it, that's why.

Everydaysabonus

If you do delete it, post again when you have more time x

BlueBlueBird

I could claim this post as my own. The only difference is I drank a bottle of wine (give or take a glass) every. Single. Night.

I still got up and went to work.
I still worked on my masters.
I still cooked most nights.
I still kept up on all my mommy/wifely/employee duties.

But I was ashamed.
And embarrassed.
And felt like crap all the time.
And woke up at 3am every night swearing I wouldn't drink the next day. Until the next day.

All I can say is, I feel ya, and I think you did the right thing.

BBB

endlesspatience

Welcome. Having a new sort of conversation with yourself is the basis of all behaviour change. It's probably not an anxiety attack or anything weird. It's just normal and we're all going through it. You will find it quite a rewarding process soon, I think.

Obladi

Joe,

Please don't second-guess your post.

It is one of the most moving pieces of prose/poetry I have ever read about the compulsion and puts into words very eloquently where I've been/am. It's brave and awesome that you are looking at this now.

If you hang with us, I promise you'll be in good company.
And not because I think I'm all that awesome - but there are a lot of wise, compassionate and supportive people here.

Thanks
O

Everydaysabonus

Bluebird you stole my story lol

BlueBlueBird

I listen to a podcast that regularly preaches 'listen to the similarities, not the differences'. 🙃

Berrybean

Welcome.

joer53

I guess users can't delete their own posts. You have to ask a moderator to delete it for you. And I can't PM a moderator until I have 5 posts. Oh well, I'll leave it alone.

The big debate happening in my head is that I seem to have unconsciously conceived the post under the guise of not having an alcohol problem. I do. There is no doubt at all about that.

I don't know why I had to write about not getting into trouble or not having health problems. I'm yelling at myself because it almost comes across as if I think I'm better than others.

I'm sorry. I don't mean it that way. I think it's just my inner addict trying to convince myself that it's not as bad as it could be.

Okay, going to stop obsessing and get back to work.

Fabela

Leave the posts, Joer. They resonate with people, and you can look back later to see how you felt in the beginning. I wish you good luck with your journey, and welcome to the family.

Berrybean

It's the same argument that we all have with our AVS (alcoholic voices). And truth be told, I reckon most of us, when actively alcoholic veered wildly between thinking we were better than others, and thinking we were the lowest of the low. I know that I did, and I've heard it said in most shares I've heard in the rooms of AA. It's that good old Ism. Flippin' Ism!! The insanity and grief that mine's given me is ridiculous.