Meraviglioso

Thats for this reassurance FWG and Hawkeye. I am sure I will get there, but it sure is confusing along the way.
A bit of good news- well I guess you could call it that. The lunch people cancelled at the very last minute (totally rude, both myself and the cook had done a lot of work to prepare). Anyway, this was before I left the house to go buy the wine, so I avoided that. The cook told me to come over anyway as I needed mo have a general check of the grounds and then I could collect the food she had prepared and have dinner ready for me tonight! So I scored a nice dinner for me and my kids which will help me out a lot as I should not exert myself and cooking counts as that. I get paid for the work I did anyway, so there is that.

It is really reassuring what you both write, that you feel more normal now in your sober skin and that you finally found the opportunity to be who you wanted to be. Thank you.

firstymer

I guess I can only speak for myself, but I don't think I was ever comfortable with who I was when I was drinking heavily. I think one of the reasons I drank heavily was because I was so uncomfortable with who I was. I may have been accustomed to who I was. But I wasn't comfortable with that person.

True, after 20 years of heavy drinking, it took a while to rediscover the real me. But I like what I discovered.

Think about it: How can the new, sober us NOT be better than the old, drunken us? So, even though you might not be fully in tune with who the new, sober you is, you KNOW that you are going to discover a better you. Right?

It's liking starting a new book from a favorite author. You may not know how the book will end, but you know its going to be a great read.

Keep posting. You are doing great.

Meraviglioso

This is really true, I didn't like the drunken me at all. I hated what I had become and what it made me but at least I knew it.
I remember one of my alcohol specific classes during rehab and the doctor said that in some way alcohol gave us structure and was a comfortable road we knew, despite it being a disastrous one.
It wasn't ideal, it wasn't who we wanted to be and was fraught with problems but at least we knew that road and therefore we chose it time and time again. The new, sober road is a million times better but we avoided it because the unknown is scary. I think Anna here says that a lot too, that we just have to take the plunge and go there, waiting for the good to arrive.

Anyway, if it weren't for the pneumonia really getting me down today would have been an excellent day. I just want to stay hyper aware and careful. I am proud of my progress but I know is small and I don't want to get complacent even for a second.

Tomorrow I return to the rehabber the check up I had to cancel when I wan in the hospital. Not sure if I should drive or take the train. Both would be a PITA to be honest.

Bekindalways

Hey Mera, so, so glad you are hanging tough through all these ups and downs.

Hope the Rehab check up goes well.

fantail

This is a great response. My experience is the same. It's been hard at times but so incredible. Getting sober is like starting a novel in the middle in some ways. It's this slow process of discovery. Right now the relationship I have with myself feels almost like the early stages of relationship with another person... lots of getting to know and getting to like. The things that I don't like, I can change more so than I could before. For me early sobriety has been the strangest, haziest, most intimate time with myself I've ever experienced, even including a lot of big soul searching expeditions I've been on. I can tell I'll be nostalgic for this someday, even the hard stuff.

I'm excited for you Meraviglioso!

Meraviglioso

I feel really hopeful and refuelled after my follow up at the rehab today. I liked everything about returning. Seeing old faces, the smell, looking up at my window. The nurses and orderlies were so happy to see me, I wanted to hug them all but I am so worried about germs with my pneumonia, but a lot of them pulled me in anyway for big hugs. I wish I had had more time to stay but in the end I think we are always given just what we need and it was right for me just to go for my appointment with the psychologist, say a quick hello and then move on quickly. This pneumonia thing is hitting me harder than expected, I cannot believe how sick and weak I am, I just cannot believe it. So I was paranoid about being in a "hospital like" environment and also around all the cigarette smoke, etc. Again, I think it was right in any case that I didn't linger, that was a step in my life, a great one that I will always be thankful for, but it felt right to make the visit a quick one and only for professional/medical reasons.
My psycholgist said ti was good to see me looking so awake and vibrant. She said I seem like a different person. I told her I feel very good, apart from my psychical issues. The nurses all commented that I look happy but you can tell I've lost weight and really look like I've been put through the wringer. I've got circles under my eyes, I look like death warmed over. But I just feel so happy to be set free from the slavery of alcohol it is hard to keep me down in these past days. I go out of my house looking so worn-down with no same. I'm sick. Before I was full of shame to leave my house- I was either drunk or hungover and looked retched for reasons entirely brought on by my alcoholism. Now I feel so free. I don't feel afraid when the other mothers see me at school. I have a legitimate reason for looking so poor.
I am worried about my memory and cognitive issues and I am still on edge, ready to pounce at even a hint of a relapse. My psychologist said we need to watch out for behavioural relapses in which we revisit old behaviours or patterns from when we were drinking. When similar behaviours or thoughts arrive we are nearing a relapse and we need to be on red alert.
I put myself on red alert today because after the 5+ hour ordeal to go to this meeting- 2 hours in the car there, 1 hour with the psychologist, 2 hours back- I stopped at my old bar for a sandwich and a ginger ale on ice. I discovered that they serve real real giner ale there, the very spicy kind. It is completely alcohol free, I checked the bottle myself. I've never seen it here in Italy except on organic store. Anyway, it was such a treat, sitting down at a table, having a little bite to eat and an ice cold ginger ale. I felt fantastic. I paid and left. I never felt a craving, I never though of ordering a wine, the though didn't cross my mind and I would have been disgusted had it. But driving back home I started to feel very bad and wonder if I am in the middle of a behavioural relapse? I think I need to watch myself more closely now. I am on full alert this time.
Off to bed now, it is not even 8pm here but I am just shattered. I am doing my best. I hope to be productive tomorrow and only have so much energy to go around so I'll rest up as much as I can tonight.

uncorked

Mera, FWG and Hawkeye are right. You WILL figure out who you were before alcohol and the grammar/fuzzy thinking WILL abate. I confess, I am a huge grammar nerd and it still frustrates me when I can't remember how to spell something. It's coming back, though... Try writing down things that you are now: a mom, a great writer, a good friend, whatever. You will remember yourself as you keep on the path.

Bekindalways

Mera, I'm so glad to hear it went well although it does seem like every day has its challenges for you.

That ginger ale sounds wonderful. I've been making smoothies with ginger, lime, and kale and using apple juice to sweeten it - really good!

Fabela

What a great update! I really hope you will bounce back from that nasty pneumonia very soon.

(I was afraid to tell you earlier, but a friend of mine's sister went to the hospital for shoulder surgery, and she caught pneumonia when she was there and ended up in a coma. They had to turn off life support last Friday. Scary stuff. )

Meraviglioso

YIKES! I'm glad you didn't tell me earlier, though I was aware that I had made a mistake not seeking medical help earlier, I fear I was on the edge of something much more serious. I had been alone in bed all day, falling in and out of consciousness with a high level fever and very low blood pressure. I was not right in the head, thankfully my boyfriend that evening.

I am feeling a LOT better today. Each day I get better by leaps and bounds, but that doesn't mean I am out of the woods. I still need to take it easy and I get winded easily. I don't know, I have this weird feeling that this is a good thing for me though. It has absolutely FORCED me to take it easy, not get stressed, not take on too much, not put myself into heavy situations, to say no to people, situations and things, etc.

I really think that by the end of next week I should be back to normal. I will still need to be careful with my level of physical activity though.
This weekend it is mother's day here in Italy. I am so thankful to spend the weekend with my sons, sober, celebrating being their mother. I am not sure if they will remember, but it will be a special day for me.

One nice sober thing I have done is to be more assertive and mature asking for what I need. In the past I have been annoyed at my boyfriend for not doing things for me or me having expectations about how he should act yet not being clear. Yesterday evening I asked him if he could set aside some time this weekend to help me in my yard/garden. The grass is weeks beyond needing to be mowed but I cannot do it, it is too risky to my health. He agreed.

My request was presented over a very nice dinner out last evening. It was a nice treat to celebrate being out of rehab and also being out of the hospital. I love to eat and while in the hospital I ate tasteless hospital mush. The past week I haven't been able to cook really. So last night my boyfriend took me out to a fish restaurant on the beach. It was very nice. I had one, tiny passing moment where I though that the meal would be enhanced by a glass of white wine, but it passed as quickly as it came. When the waiter initially came he asked for out water order to start, if we wanted still or sparkling (I still don't understand why Italians insist on bottles water, never using tap water in restaurants) and after coming back with that asked about wine. My boyfriend said 'no, we're just having water, I might get a glass later and she doesn't drink'. for one second I felt the need to explain "oh, I'm on antibiotics, overcoming pneumonia" but then I thought that was ridiculous. I don't drink- antibiotics or not- why do I need to explain what I am drinking or eating to a waiter at a restaurant?

Sorry, I am starting to journal here, this might be getting boring and pointless, but some things about the night I wanted to get down.
A few things I noticed. The service was horrifically slow, I am not sure what was going on, but it was abnormal and I noticed other tables around us a little bit fidgety as well. It was fine for us as we were enjoying each other's company, but had I been drinking it would have been a recipe for disaster. Because we all know that an alcoholic doesn't drink the white wine to go with the meal. We would have ordered a bottle at the start. Then my boyfriend would have slowly sipped during the wait, meanwhile I would have sucked down glass after glass due to the long wait, finishing the bottle before the appetisers were done- or had even arrived. At this point I would have convinced him to get another bottle so we had wine to go with our main course. God, I don't even want to go on. It just would have been a mess. The tension of him agreeing even though he didn't want to, but not wanting to upset me and risk having me act our drukenly in the dining room, the tension of me feeling stubborn and entitled to drink what I wanted, us not talking much or enjoying the meal, me getting trashed, the waiter offering after dinner drinks and me insisting getting more smashed, returning home and going to bed in silence, waking up hungover, not sure how to approach him. Ugh, a wasted night and a wasted day.

Another thing I slightly noticed was the table directly in my line of sight. In all honesty I wouldn't have paid much attention except that they were tourists and I was more curious about their behaviour in a sociological way. It was really a special night out on holiday for them, this is not the time or place for my observations, but my down moments were spent spying on them. It was a couple with two adult children, drinking what appeared to be a very full bodied red over a fish dinner (to each his own!! ) One bottle was slowly enjoyed by four people over the course of two hours. Again, only a slight blip on the airwaves last night but alcoholic me did have a moment thinking "wowza, one bottle for four people over two hours, how do they do it?"


Off to get some work done on the computer now. This evening I have an appointment with my local psychiatrist who also does psycho-therapy. I want him to overview my medications again seeing if we can lighten up on anything and then I want to talk to him about my concerns over my cognitive functioning. I can't set aside my fears about that. I notice a HUGE difference in my ability to communicate both written and orally and am having issues with mixing up languages which I rarely suffered from before. I might forget a seldom used word in English, but now I am finding I am having a hard time remembering something in English, only remembering the Italian and having much more trouble finding the right words to say what I want to say. I have no idea if this is due to quitting drinking, PAWS, the pneumonia, the meds.... but my concern over this persists and frankly only gets worse.

Meraviglioso

Any observations from any of you would be much appreciated. Do you recognise me? Do I seem like the Mera you know? Are my posts confusing? In lien with what you remember from before?

By they way, small miracles and all, day 50 here and all I can see is sunshine ahead.

Fabela

firstymer

Your writings style seems more like it was when you were in rehab, when your story grabbed our attention. Your posts are logical and easy to read, with only an occasional typo, which I am sure is a function of the medication you are taking.

So you should try to worry less. The newly sober Mera is as thoughtful, interesting and articulate as ever.

You are doing great. And we are proud of you.

FormerWineGirl

Mera, I very much enjoy reading your posts, which by the way are completely coherent. I know your postings are therapeutic for you, but you probably don't realize just how therapeutic they are for many others as well.

I know you are bothered by the occasional spelling or grammar mistake, but it's the content that means so much for so many here. Be patient with yourself. You are healing on so many levels! Allow yourself to heal without too much self-critisism, everything will fall into place in due time.

Thank you again for sharing your journey with us.

Meraviglioso

Thank you both for the reassurance.
Just to be clear, I don't want to come across as a grammar nazi or a spelling snob, that kind of stuff happens in a lot of people's posts, but I was more aware of my overall writing capacity and style changing.
There was a really great guy in rehab with me who had a lot to add at out group meetings. One day we had an exercise where we had to write down a plan or something and he had to speak up and say that he could not write. The psychologist told him to just think about the exercise while we wrote and he still participated fully and thoughtfully.

Eagle108

Enjoyed both of these points...recognized plenty of the nights you noted and the interplay between you and your boyfriend. The best was always the after dinner drink...who really needs that after a couple of bottles of wine...me!!

I would have thought the same thing on the 4 people splitting a bottle of wine over two hours...jeez, how boring. Not thinking the whole time I was the one that wasn't normal.

Definitely keep posting/journaling...it's encouraging very relatable.

Soberwolf

Hey Bella Mera

Saskia

Hi Mera, just popping in to see how you are getting along. I've heard about the cognitive issues from others in recovery. It apparently takes varying lengths of time for our brains to recuperate. You're still in early days as far as that part of things. Try not to worry about it too much.

Meraviglioso

Thanks Saskia, everyone's reassurance makes me feel better but I am starting to feel a little obsessive about this. My memory is completely shot, there is the writing stuff, and then the weird stuff about merging inappropriately through my two languages. I honestly was sharper as a drunk, it does't make sense, you would think it would be the opposite. To make matters worse, I completely forgot to ask my psychiatrist about it at our appoinrmtnet tonight. Would he even be the doctor to ask? I guess I will start with my family doctor, she is so loathsome though and I doubt will take me seriously. I am trying to stay calm and not go into full on hypochondriac mode but it is not something I can ignore, to me it is really evident and really an issue.

Saskia

Mera, I would think your psychiatrist would be the best person to discuss this with. I understand how distressing this is. Please keep in mind that alcohol really messes with our brain chemistry and there is no specific timeframe. If you had kept on drinking, it would likely be even worse later. Difficult to accept, I know, but tincture of time is most likely the best solution. Try to focus on the many benefits of sobriety both now and in the future. Once you get pass this, you will feel much better. Your psychiatrist can tell you whether or not there is anything to be concerned about.

Psychiatrists usually know much more about brain chemistry than regular docs.