Post-Rehab Report
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
This has been a rough go, I am still suffering from he pain and am just plain over being in the hospital. However, I have been trying to do some small (very small exercises) each day in bed- just some stretching and stuff, I have walked up and down the halls a bit. I feel better, I do. I am drinking as much water as I can and stay hooked up to the oxygen as much as I can. I got word from the doctor that I can go home tomorrow afternoon! She seemed to want to see one last test first but it sounded 99% a go. I cannot wait.
In some weird way I think this happened to me for a reason, as a way of keeping me calm, on a schedule, not overdoing things- all triggers for me. I will definitely not be smoking anymore- also a trigger for me. I will need to cut back on stressful events in my life- triggers for me. Though I am not ashamed of my stay at rehab, my mom and brother and I were coming up with a reason why I wouldn't be there. This makes it easy as weak- she just got out of the hospital for pneumonia 3 weeks ago and it is recommended she not fly.
Anyway, feeling wand and in pain, but good. I have a fear, and you are not even going to believe this, that I am going to have to fight cravings for smoking once out! I still have not come across a major craving for alcohol.
In some weird way I think this happened to me for a reason, as a way of keeping me calm, on a schedule, not overdoing things- all triggers for me. I will definitely not be smoking anymore- also a trigger for me. I will need to cut back on stressful events in my life- triggers for me. Though I am not ashamed of my stay at rehab, my mom and brother and I were coming up with a reason why I wouldn't be there. This makes it easy as weak- she just got out of the hospital for pneumonia 3 weeks ago and it is recommended she not fly.
Anyway, feeling wand and in pain, but good. I have a fear, and you are not even going to believe this, that I am going to have to fight cravings for smoking once out! I still have not come across a major craving for alcohol.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
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Mera I'm glad you're doing better 
I hope you get to go home tomorrow and have a speedy recovery. I have really enjoyed and cheered you on throughout your journey, thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You offer a lot of hope to those struggling and you really are strong and courageous for grabbing the bull by the horns and taking back your life.
Proud of you.
I hope you get to go home tomorrow and have a speedy recovery. I have really enjoyed and cheered you on throughout your journey, thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You offer a lot of hope to those struggling and you really are strong and courageous for grabbing the bull by the horns and taking back your life.
Proud of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Thanks, Mera for showing us how a strong, wise lady can have the guts to do the right thing. Do keep posting. What you have done for yourself has helped others I'm sure, those who have problems with entering a rehab. We admire you and want so much for you to stick around and keep in touch. As for me, I shall never say goodbye. Not even at the end. Arrivaderci !
Bill
Bill
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First, I am just astounded reading back over my posts. I cannot find "me" in there. They are full of mistakes. I am trying to type slow and watch out for these things but some posts are nearly incomprehensible. I hope this passes. It is PAWS? I always kind of skipped over PAWS related posts. I didn't think I surrefered from withdrawals or paws or whatever much, I just needed to quit and stay quit. I am very concerned. Very, very concerned.
Next, I did get related from the hospital yesterday. Freedom! The first thing I did when I returned was take a shower, that felt good. I am so overwhelmed by what I have to do now. So overwhelmed. I have no idea how to begin to address the mess that is my house, my life, my work, my body when I have almost no energy and little oxygen to spare. The doctors made it clear I am absolutely not to over-exert myself or I will end back up in the hospital.
Again, I think this is a blessing in disguise, learning to slow down. Planning things out better.
I'm really upset that this pneumonia caused me to cancel my 2 week check up with my psychologist at the rehab centre. I really value her insight and think she is going to be able to help me a lot. I will call her today to reschedule, I don't wanto that to fall by the wayside.
Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is "who am I?" with out the alcohol and even at this point, cigarettes? I feel lost and unnatural. I don't know how to just be me Who is me?
For example When I picture my one drinking friend here I always have a picture of her with a cigarette in hand, drinking white whine, laughing, happy. It is the picture and idea I have of her. when I think of my grandmother I think of one cigarette after the other, a glass of whisky in the same hand, laughing and feeling happy and alive. I have other people I think of in similar ways. I am one of them, I cannot imagine myself as a person without these props. They seem to make up a part of who I am.
This is going nowhere, I am losing my mind again. I'm not sure what the point was when I started anyway. I need to go try and slowly organise my medicine drawer, it is an overflowing mess from all the changes recently.
I feel like crying a bit, not sure why, I am just so overwhelmed. But I am happy, today is 45 days sober, 9 days smoke free. At least that.
Next, I did get related from the hospital yesterday. Freedom! The first thing I did when I returned was take a shower, that felt good. I am so overwhelmed by what I have to do now. So overwhelmed. I have no idea how to begin to address the mess that is my house, my life, my work, my body when I have almost no energy and little oxygen to spare. The doctors made it clear I am absolutely not to over-exert myself or I will end back up in the hospital.
Again, I think this is a blessing in disguise, learning to slow down. Planning things out better.
I'm really upset that this pneumonia caused me to cancel my 2 week check up with my psychologist at the rehab centre. I really value her insight and think she is going to be able to help me a lot. I will call her today to reschedule, I don't wanto that to fall by the wayside.
Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is "who am I?" with out the alcohol and even at this point, cigarettes? I feel lost and unnatural. I don't know how to just be me Who is me?
For example When I picture my one drinking friend here I always have a picture of her with a cigarette in hand, drinking white whine, laughing, happy. It is the picture and idea I have of her. when I think of my grandmother I think of one cigarette after the other, a glass of whisky in the same hand, laughing and feeling happy and alive. I have other people I think of in similar ways. I am one of them, I cannot imagine myself as a person without these props. They seem to make up a part of who I am.
This is going nowhere, I am losing my mind again. I'm not sure what the point was when I started anyway. I need to go try and slowly organise my medicine drawer, it is an overflowing mess from all the changes recently.
I feel like crying a bit, not sure why, I am just so overwhelmed. But I am happy, today is 45 days sober, 9 days smoke free. At least that.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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A last little update then on to clean the medicine cabinet and wang the laundry to dry.
I called my local psychiatrist to confirm that I was released and confirm our appointment for next week.
When I was initially in bed waiting for the doctor to come and my children's father here picking up the kids he was on the phone with the doctor and describing what I looked like- red in the face, sweating, fever- and they both were asking me if I drank as it sounded like a reaction to the antabuse.
I told my doctor today that it was a bacterial pneumonia, brought on by a week immune system and likely the quitting drinking had a part in it as my blood vessels shrank - for or a perfect storm. I told him that I was offended last week that my children's father would immediately think I drank and I said "and if I can be honest, I am offended that you immediately thought the same too"
He responded kindly but professionally, a loose translation would be " we support you, but it takes a while for the trust to come back"
I called my local psychiatrist to confirm that I was released and confirm our appointment for next week.
When I was initially in bed waiting for the doctor to come and my children's father here picking up the kids he was on the phone with the doctor and describing what I looked like- red in the face, sweating, fever- and they both were asking me if I drank as it sounded like a reaction to the antabuse.
I told my doctor today that it was a bacterial pneumonia, brought on by a week immune system and likely the quitting drinking had a part in it as my blood vessels shrank - for or a perfect storm. I told him that I was offended last week that my children's father would immediately think I drank and I said "and if I can be honest, I am offended that you immediately thought the same too"
He responded kindly but professionally, a loose translation would be " we support you, but it takes a while for the trust to come back"
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Mera, you may be struggling with knowing who is the "real you", but if you stay sober, you will find out soon enough. And you are going to like her. A lot. We already do. Keep healing. Have faith. You are on the right path. 
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Isn't that so true. Even tho our efforts may be genuine and it's easy to want to show it and have others know it is heartfelt, takes a while to build the trust back up.
You're doing great Mera glad to hear you're feeling better and moving forward with things. Keep working on you and in time you will settle into your skin and have a good sense of self. Think of it this way... starting fresh without the addictions kind of gives you an opportunity to start new and try on some different hats as to who the real you is. Explore and try new things.
You're doing great Mera
glad to hear you're feeling better and moving forward with things. Keep working on you and in time you will settle into your skin and have a good sense of self. Think of it this way... starting fresh without the addictions kind of gives you an opportunity to start new and try on some different hats as to who the real you is. Explore and try new things.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
I broke my arm a couple of years ago and when I saw the physiotherapist for the first time she wanted me to put my hand behind my back and move my arm up and down. Well, all I could do was move my fingers back and forth about an inch!
So, I said as much and she replied "if that's all you can do then that is where you start."
Since then, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I remind myself that if all I can do right now is wiggle my fingers then that is my starting point, just wiggling my fingers. Tomorrow or next week I will be able to move my whole hand and in time I will be moving my whole arm.
What I am trying to convey with my rambly little story is that you don't have to do it all today. Tiny goals that are doable. Leave the big things for when you have bigger muscles.
So, I said as much and she replied "if that's all you can do then that is where you start."
Since then, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I remind myself that if all I can do right now is wiggle my fingers then that is my starting point, just wiggling my fingers. Tomorrow or next week I will be able to move my whole hand and in time I will be moving my whole arm.
What I am trying to convey with my rambly little story is that you don't have to do it all today. Tiny goals that are doable. Leave the big things for when you have bigger muscles.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Hang in there Mera. Glad you are starting to feel better and out of the hospital!
Make sure you remain focused on your sobriety, and don't over complicate your life any more than necessary right now. Everything else will fall into place. One day at a time...
Make sure you remain focused on your sobriety, and don't over complicate your life any more than necessary right now. Everything else will fall into place. One day at a time...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
you know, it isn't unreasonable the trust isn't rebuilt yet.
it took awhile for my spouse to trust me too
hang in there and don't over-do
the PAWs issues really will improve with continued sobriety
glad you are home and out of hospital Mera
it took awhile for my spouse to trust me too
hang in there and don't over-do
the PAWs issues really will improve with continued sobriety
glad you are home and out of hospital Mera
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Wow Mera, what a journey these last few months have been. If someone would have told you your fortune for 2016, it would have said something like painfully transformational. Please keep getting through the difficult, painful parts as we all can see how transformed you are.
Angels, healing, courage, and strength to you beautiful one!!
Angels, healing, courage, and strength to you beautiful one!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Awww, poor you!! That really sucks!! I hope you're feeling better each day. It's normal to feel scattered, weird, like something's wrong with you, etc.....I think I mentioned that in one of my posts when you were leaving rehab. I backed the car into my mailbox when I got home -- this time 100% sober! My mind felt really foggy. It's normal to feel overwhelmed, too. Don't expect yourself to solve every issue in your life right away. I used to think if I could just be sober, my life would be so wonderful. Well, it's better, but I have a ton of challenges to face-- divorce, getting a job, moving to another house, sending my triplets to college in August for starters. You can't think of everything at once. Everything will work out, just give yourself time and rest.
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Thanks uncorked. The "not feeling like myself" is coming up in a number of ways. First, I am really, very concerned about the number of spelling and grammatical errors I am making while typing. This is not something I did in the past, even during bouts of heavy drinking. I am wondering if this is a combination of the fog lifting/PAWS/residual effects of the high fever I sustained for many hours prior to seeking medical care for the pneumonia....
Next, I am just wondering who I am without the alcohol and cigarettes to frame my character, my personality. This is especially difficult when I didn’t know who I was with the alcohol and cigarettes, I simply reconize others reactions to me. I recognise that guttural laugh and under the armpit head grab from the scruffy beach bum bartender at the beach club as I find him to go get me another glass of white. I recognize those squinted eyes and hands loosly clapsed over the mouth- half in laughter, half in disbelief. I recognize the slow tuning out of normies as I get more boring, more obnoxious and more drunk. I recognize the pursed lips of concern from my mother in law when she drops of the kids at my house.
Now I don’t recognize anything and don’t know how to find my way. I mentioned in my rehab report that one thing I really liked about my rehab is that they had assigned seating for meal times, so we didn’t have to walk in and feel awkward about where to sit, not knowing if we fit in, or having to ask someone if we could sit with them. It was already a delicate moment, such a simple, almost grade school act, yet somehow heavy and I,for one, was relieved to not have dealt with it. I kind of wish that would happen now. Someone would just show me where to sit.
This it a great article, sort of off topic, but I think fits loosely enough with the theme that it can scrape by. I think it is really worth the few minutes it takes to read. To Be Yourself Completely: The Collective Grief of Losing Prince | On Being
I had a great weekend with my kids, it feels so good to be with them and be a good parent. I can clearly see what they need from me now and my intuition is so much sharper. It was heavy because I am trying to stay calm and rest as much as possible with the pnuemonia. They also talk a lot and using my lungs to talk is exhausting and leaves me windless. But it was good, I am really happy.
I woke in the night with a pit in my stomach. I went to bed early- about 8pm and it was only midnight. Something felt off. I had a vague thought of asking my mother about something my grandmother used to say. I am not sure if that was a remnant of a dream or something I should do. I wonder if she would be supportive of my life choices? She was a huge drinker and smoker and everyone loved her that way. She clearly had a problem but was enough of a “lady” when needed that it was just who she was and people who knew her couldn’t imagine her any other way. I sure can’t.
I also had a very loud thought in my mind of you all here at SR ******I am starring this because I know I write too much sometimes that people might just graze over***** It was almost as if I heard a voice saying to me “reach out before you drink." So I am. I do not have any cravings, I choose not to drink, I am very happy on day 47, but something woke me in the night with that thought, so I am reaching out.
Thinking logically, I am sure it has to do with the work lunch I have scheduled today. This is only my second important work event since leaving rehab, and undoubtedly more important.
I need to go buy two bottles of wine for a luncheon (not sure if the 2 guests will want white or red) and then I will need to eat lunch with them at the villa of one of my clients and chat with them in English about the villa, the reconstruction, the area, etc. I plan on offering them wine and then when table manners call for them to do the same simply state “no thank you” I do have my pnemonia and antibiotic prescription issue to fall back on. But I am really not afraid of that moment. Right now, not at all. I have zero desire to put alcohol in my mouth. Right now.
I think I am worried about a much, much larger problem, which circles back to what I wrote above, and that is how do I be without alcohol??? I am starting to discover I feel like a total fraud. In the past these lunches were a breeze. Loosen up with a bit of wine and just act the part. I could chat, charm and conform with ease. Now I just feel disgusting even if clean. I frankly don’t want to go today. I dont’ want to blow dry my hair and do my make up. I don’t want to go talk to the wine guy about an “easy drinking red, local to the area, low-to-medium alcohol content (they are driving afterall), goes well with asparagus” But I have to be an adult. Working is part of that. Thankfully, alcohol very rarely comes up in my job duties, today is an exception. Thankfully also I am not craving it but I am really afraid of what all these musings mean. I can’t screw this up this time. This feeling of unease is… unsettling. It could also be the weather. Or the beans I ate last night…. boh. Any words or wisdom about feeling lost of finding one’s self or anything else would be much appreciated.
Next, I am just wondering who I am without the alcohol and cigarettes to frame my character, my personality. This is especially difficult when I didn’t know who I was with the alcohol and cigarettes, I simply reconize others reactions to me. I recognise that guttural laugh and under the armpit head grab from the scruffy beach bum bartender at the beach club as I find him to go get me another glass of white. I recognize those squinted eyes and hands loosly clapsed over the mouth- half in laughter, half in disbelief. I recognize the slow tuning out of normies as I get more boring, more obnoxious and more drunk. I recognize the pursed lips of concern from my mother in law when she drops of the kids at my house.
Now I don’t recognize anything and don’t know how to find my way. I mentioned in my rehab report that one thing I really liked about my rehab is that they had assigned seating for meal times, so we didn’t have to walk in and feel awkward about where to sit, not knowing if we fit in, or having to ask someone if we could sit with them. It was already a delicate moment, such a simple, almost grade school act, yet somehow heavy and I,for one, was relieved to not have dealt with it. I kind of wish that would happen now. Someone would just show me where to sit.
This it a great article, sort of off topic, but I think fits loosely enough with the theme that it can scrape by. I think it is really worth the few minutes it takes to read. To Be Yourself Completely: The Collective Grief of Losing Prince | On Being
I had a great weekend with my kids, it feels so good to be with them and be a good parent. I can clearly see what they need from me now and my intuition is so much sharper. It was heavy because I am trying to stay calm and rest as much as possible with the pnuemonia. They also talk a lot and using my lungs to talk is exhausting and leaves me windless. But it was good, I am really happy.
I woke in the night with a pit in my stomach. I went to bed early- about 8pm and it was only midnight. Something felt off. I had a vague thought of asking my mother about something my grandmother used to say. I am not sure if that was a remnant of a dream or something I should do. I wonder if she would be supportive of my life choices? She was a huge drinker and smoker and everyone loved her that way. She clearly had a problem but was enough of a “lady” when needed that it was just who she was and people who knew her couldn’t imagine her any other way. I sure can’t.
I also had a very loud thought in my mind of you all here at SR ******I am starring this because I know I write too much sometimes that people might just graze over***** It was almost as if I heard a voice saying to me “reach out before you drink." So I am. I do not have any cravings, I choose not to drink, I am very happy on day 47, but something woke me in the night with that thought, so I am reaching out.
Thinking logically, I am sure it has to do with the work lunch I have scheduled today. This is only my second important work event since leaving rehab, and undoubtedly more important.
I need to go buy two bottles of wine for a luncheon (not sure if the 2 guests will want white or red) and then I will need to eat lunch with them at the villa of one of my clients and chat with them in English about the villa, the reconstruction, the area, etc. I plan on offering them wine and then when table manners call for them to do the same simply state “no thank you” I do have my pnemonia and antibiotic prescription issue to fall back on. But I am really not afraid of that moment. Right now, not at all. I have zero desire to put alcohol in my mouth. Right now.
I think I am worried about a much, much larger problem, which circles back to what I wrote above, and that is how do I be without alcohol??? I am starting to discover I feel like a total fraud. In the past these lunches were a breeze. Loosen up with a bit of wine and just act the part. I could chat, charm and conform with ease. Now I just feel disgusting even if clean. I frankly don’t want to go today. I dont’ want to blow dry my hair and do my make up. I don’t want to go talk to the wine guy about an “easy drinking red, local to the area, low-to-medium alcohol content (they are driving afterall), goes well with asparagus” But I have to be an adult. Working is part of that. Thankfully, alcohol very rarely comes up in my job duties, today is an exception. Thankfully also I am not craving it but I am really afraid of what all these musings mean. I can’t screw this up this time. This feeling of unease is… unsettling. It could also be the weather. Or the beans I ate last night…. boh. Any words or wisdom about feeling lost of finding one’s self or anything else would be much appreciated.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I think its very common to wake up in early recovery and wonder who we are, and where we fit in, especially for those who have spent years drinking. I found it very strange as well. But what I came to realize was this: I have the opportunity to transform myself, to reinvent myself to be the person that I WANT to be, not the person that *drunk me* was. Look at it as the gift it truly is.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Again I emphasize that the spelling errors and fogginess will pass Mera--don't get down on yourself about that any more please. . . it's pretty normal.
The learning to be without alcohol is like any other change. . .it feels strange, scary, and difficult at first, but with continued "practice" you begin to grow into it.
I feel more "normal" in my non-drinking skin now than I ever did drinking.
I never expected this but it is a welcome truth in my life now.
It took time, and recovery work which was sometimes difficult,
but every step got me a little closer and it didn't happen all at once.
So my experience has been time helps, patience helps, getting support helps.
Love yourself when the cravings come and when they don't.
It is all progress toward growth and peace.
The learning to be without alcohol is like any other change. . .it feels strange, scary, and difficult at first, but with continued "practice" you begin to grow into it.
I feel more "normal" in my non-drinking skin now than I ever did drinking.
I never expected this but it is a welcome truth in my life now.
It took time, and recovery work which was sometimes difficult,
but every step got me a little closer and it didn't happen all at once.
So my experience has been time helps, patience helps, getting support helps.
Love yourself when the cravings come and when they don't.
It is all progress toward growth and peace.
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