Post-Rehab Report
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Originally Posted by ed2715 
May I ask you a question off-topic? I listening to an audiobook by Elena Ferrante called My Brilliant Friend. It is set in Naples, and the main character has mentioned many times that she or another character either spoke in Italian or in dialect. Some of the characters don't know how to speak Italian and can only speak in dialect. What is "dialect"? I thought you may know the answer to this conundrum. Thanks in advance if you can answer!
Here is a short video showing the difference
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Haha!! I know this is off topic but it's fun and I have to chime in.
I'm second generation American, our family is from Sicilia. My dad grew up in the states, but they spoke Italian at home and he didn't learn English until school. So they spoke in a Sicilian dialect, one generation removed from the homeland. Our neighbors hosted an exchange student from Florence, who was excited to be able to speak Italian with my dad. They couldn't understand each other!
I try to read Italian, never can. Things are never spelled in the way I've heard them spoken. And I grew up hearing a version of Italian that probably no one speaks anymore.
I'm second generation American, our family is from Sicilia. My dad grew up in the states, but they spoke Italian at home and he didn't learn English until school. So they spoke in a Sicilian dialect, one generation removed from the homeland. Our neighbors hosted an exchange student from Florence, who was excited to be able to speak Italian with my dad. They couldn't understand each other!
I try to read Italian, never can. Things are never spelled in the way I've heard them spoken. And I grew up hearing a version of Italian that probably no one speaks anymore.
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Everything moving along here. I am super busy with work. I am barely able to handle it all but I have to remember I work like this only 3 months of the year, the rest of the time I work more like part time hours. I am making sure to make time for the gym though and for my appointments with my therapist, they are important to keeping me sane.
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Hi everyone, rough morning here. My boyfriend returned from his holiday on Friday. We went to dinner, he had brought me some gifts, including some jewellery that he bought. He has never bought me anything "romantic" before (jewellery, flowers, etc) It made me feel horrible because inside I was miserable. Last night we went to see a band play with a lot of his family- family that I have never met after nearly five years together. Again, I felt horrible. Why is all this happening now, when it it to little too late. Finally this morning I spoke to him. I told him I feel like we are two trees, growing up side by side but with no common goals or plans. We just carry on, as if we are dating, dinner tonight, beach today, vacations, whatever, but nothing concrete, nothing profound. I don't feel that I really matter to him. As expected he didn't take well to the conversation, he accused me of being crazy, of not seeing things clearly. He pointed out all the ways in that my thinking is wrong, of why we can't grow, that he is happy and I should be too.
He brought up me going to rehab and how I had just announced to him that I was going without ever talking to him about it. Which is not true- for years I talked to him and begged for help addressing my alcoholism. He refused to go to the local outpatient centre with me, he refused to see the problem, he constantly offered me alcohol or ignored my concerns. Yes, I decided on my own to go, I didn't think he would support me or care and I had to mae the decision for me- with or without his support. I wasn't willing to risk him talking me out of it so I only told him once the wheels were in motion for me to go.
I feel numb. Some tears came to my eyes this morning but mostly I felt cold and empty. I wanted to sob and cry and let him see this is painful for me but I had nothing left to give.
He just left and I know I won't hear from him. He'll wait for me to call or he'll call in a couple of days acting like nothing happened.
I don't know what to do. I don't feel like drinking now, I really don't, but I am afraid that is going to come and want to be prepared. My psychiatrist is on vacation and I won't see him until the 18th of August so I have to get through this without any face to face support. My medication is at a good level now, I feel really stable. But I feel afraid of this coldness and calmness, I fear it is the calm before the storm.
My psychiatrist says I have a right to my desires, to have my needs met, to want to have a plan and to grow. My boyfriend says he is sick of this psychiatrist "telling me what to do" and he notices a pattern with all psychologists/psychiatrists (his father was a psychiatrist, his ex wife is a psychologist, his ex girlfriend is a psychologist) he is very anti-psychology and thinks that I should just be happy the way things are and would be if someone else weren't "talking me into" feeling differently. The fact is these problems have been there for quite some time. I initially went to the psychiatrist for help with my alcoholism but in our sessions we have begun to work on all areas of my life- my relationships, my work, my parenting, my self- esteem, etc. So yes, he is helping me speak of these things but he is not putting words in my mouth or pushing me to do any particular thing. He only said to me "something has to change, you are not happy, whether that be you end the relationship or you talk about making changes to suit your needs, but going on like this is unhealthy" I don't think that sounds like someone pushing me to do one thing or the other, do you?
My plan for the day is to cut my grass, do some garden work and then sleep as much as possible.
He brought up me going to rehab and how I had just announced to him that I was going without ever talking to him about it. Which is not true- for years I talked to him and begged for help addressing my alcoholism. He refused to go to the local outpatient centre with me, he refused to see the problem, he constantly offered me alcohol or ignored my concerns. Yes, I decided on my own to go, I didn't think he would support me or care and I had to mae the decision for me- with or without his support. I wasn't willing to risk him talking me out of it so I only told him once the wheels were in motion for me to go.
I feel numb. Some tears came to my eyes this morning but mostly I felt cold and empty. I wanted to sob and cry and let him see this is painful for me but I had nothing left to give.
He just left and I know I won't hear from him. He'll wait for me to call or he'll call in a couple of days acting like nothing happened.
I don't know what to do. I don't feel like drinking now, I really don't, but I am afraid that is going to come and want to be prepared. My psychiatrist is on vacation and I won't see him until the 18th of August so I have to get through this without any face to face support. My medication is at a good level now, I feel really stable. But I feel afraid of this coldness and calmness, I fear it is the calm before the storm.
My psychiatrist says I have a right to my desires, to have my needs met, to want to have a plan and to grow. My boyfriend says he is sick of this psychiatrist "telling me what to do" and he notices a pattern with all psychologists/psychiatrists (his father was a psychiatrist, his ex wife is a psychologist, his ex girlfriend is a psychologist) he is very anti-psychology and thinks that I should just be happy the way things are and would be if someone else weren't "talking me into" feeling differently. The fact is these problems have been there for quite some time. I initially went to the psychiatrist for help with my alcoholism but in our sessions we have begun to work on all areas of my life- my relationships, my work, my parenting, my self- esteem, etc. So yes, he is helping me speak of these things but he is not putting words in my mouth or pushing me to do any particular thing. He only said to me "something has to change, you are not happy, whether that be you end the relationship or you talk about making changes to suit your needs, but going on like this is unhealthy" I don't think that sounds like someone pushing me to do one thing or the other, do you?
My plan for the day is to cut my grass, do some garden work and then sleep as much as possible.
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he is happy and I should be too.
CarolD used to say that not all loves are forever - maybe this is one of those Mera?
I'm coming in cold after dropping out of this thread for a while & I'm not trying to be cruel - but I think you deserve someone who understands you and vice versa.
D
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I guess so Dee. I loved him deeply for so long and think he felt the same way but for a long time now things have not been that way. I simply cannot "fake it until I make it" anymore. I can't do it.
Now is not the time, but I hope in the future I can come to an understanding of why this keeps happening to me. I have had a number of deep, meaningful relationships and then I fall out of love and end them. I don't know if this is what my life is supposed to be- a series of relationships that are special and loving but not lasting- or if I have a problem deep within me that needs to be worked out so that I am able to find everlasting love. I simply don't know. It would appear that I continuously fall for and fall in love with people who are not right for me and I push it and push it and things are good, even great for a while but then the truth comes in like a cold fish to the face and I have to do something in order not to suffer anymore. The thing is I don't have many regrets. I have had some wonderful relationships and known some wonderful people. I remain on good terms with nearly all of my exes (we're talking five or six here, not hundreds). But it does seem counter to the typical human phenomenon of finding "the one" I just don't know.
Right now I am hurting. Which is ok. I just need to make sure, with everything I have, that this hurt does not lead to drinking. This is my number one concern right now. Which frankly is taking up all of my energy, I barely have anything left over to start to process this, which I know I need to do as well. Sad, sad day.
Now is not the time, but I hope in the future I can come to an understanding of why this keeps happening to me. I have had a number of deep, meaningful relationships and then I fall out of love and end them. I don't know if this is what my life is supposed to be- a series of relationships that are special and loving but not lasting- or if I have a problem deep within me that needs to be worked out so that I am able to find everlasting love. I simply don't know. It would appear that I continuously fall for and fall in love with people who are not right for me and I push it and push it and things are good, even great for a while but then the truth comes in like a cold fish to the face and I have to do something in order not to suffer anymore. The thing is I don't have many regrets. I have had some wonderful relationships and known some wonderful people. I remain on good terms with nearly all of my exes (we're talking five or six here, not hundreds). But it does seem counter to the typical human phenomenon of finding "the one" I just don't know.
Right now I am hurting. Which is ok. I just need to make sure, with everything I have, that this hurt does not lead to drinking. This is my number one concern right now. Which frankly is taking up all of my energy, I barely have anything left over to start to process this, which I know I need to do as well. Sad, sad day.
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My 'picker' was bad..until I got sober.
I had a desperation in me for many years to be loved. My validation came from the way other people related to me.
That all changed in recovery.
I think understanding who I am, being comfortable with that, and not being terrified of being alone anymore, has to make a difference when it comes to personal relationships.
I think it's all a part of growing, dealing with all aspects of life and not running away from things anymore....it's very hard to do initially, but it gets easier
D
I had a desperation in me for many years to be loved. My validation came from the way other people related to me.
That all changed in recovery.
I think understanding who I am, being comfortable with that, and not being terrified of being alone anymore, has to make a difference when it comes to personal relationships.
I think it's all a part of growing, dealing with all aspects of life and not running away from things anymore....it's very hard to do initially, but it gets easier
D
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Hugs, Mera.
You're a very brave person. I learn a lot from you.
Keep at it, you're doing a great job!
My buddy said this, "Sobriety makes everything easier but sometimes life just isn't easy."
AMEN
Especially this stuff of the heart. Very difficult. Le sigh.
You're a very brave person. I learn a lot from you.
Keep at it, you're doing a great job!
My buddy said this, "Sobriety makes everything easier but sometimes life just isn't easy."
AMEN
Especially this stuff of the heart. Very difficult. Le sigh.
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Thanks Melina, I sure need the hugs today. I wish I had someone here with me to hug me now but I have no one to call. My one friend here is getting married today. She has been with her partner for over 20 years, this is their first marriage, but they are at an age where a big party was not what they wanted so it is just a small, family affair. Or so she said. I was at the hairdresser (always the gossips source, eh!) the other day and they said "you'll be there right?" and I said "no, I wasn't invited" but they were- her hairdresser for god's sake (and no, not to do her hair). This hairdresser has been posting photos today (which I don't think my friend will like but Facebook has a life of its own...) and it is much more than a "small, family affair" It is her wedding and she can invite who she wants, but truth be told I feel a little hurt for not getting invited.
Long story short to say, I can't call her, and I can't call my boyfriend- the only two people I could call on for a real, physical hug.
Grass has been cut. I'm having a ginger ale and then going to try to sleep. I just can't deal with life today.
Long story short to say, I can't call her, and I can't call my boyfriend- the only two people I could call on for a real, physical hug.
Grass has been cut. I'm having a ginger ale and then going to try to sleep. I just can't deal with life today.
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Some days sleep is the best thing to do.
Sending you a huge, admiring hug. Your instincts are always right on...you're an exceptionally smart person. The problem is that we try to drink away what our instincts are telling us sometimes because what they're telling us hurts.
I think we change throughout our lives and some relationships can't make that transition unless we refuse to acknowledge that change, which doesn't work.
We're here for you.
Sending you a huge, admiring hug. Your instincts are always right on...you're an exceptionally smart person. The problem is that we try to drink away what our instincts are telling us sometimes because what they're telling us hurts.
I think we change throughout our lives and some relationships can't make that transition unless we refuse to acknowledge that change, which doesn't work.
We're here for you.
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Thinking of you, Mera.
One thing that I've come to feel strongly about is that we have the ability to address the things in life that hurt us when we're sober. May not make it easier, in the short run, but it makes it doable.
You're going to be all right, Mera.
One thing that I've come to feel strongly about is that we have the ability to address the things in life that hurt us when we're sober. May not make it easier, in the short run, but it makes it doable.
You're going to be all right, Mera.
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This is so incredibly painful but I got through yesterday and will get through today. We have plans to meet tomorrow evening to talk. I want to talk. I don't want this to be a hateful experience. But I know him well and I don't think he will take in what I have to say. I am prepared to listen to what he has to say but my mind has been made up. I have been pleasantly surprised to have received support from my mother. She loves him and has been happy that I have had him here, she worries about me being here alone. The truth is I am basically alone as it is. I just have someone to socialise with occasionally. Wen push comes to shove though I take care of my own needs and my own self. I am really and truly sad though. I am holding back tears as I write this but have to hold it together a little bit longer. I am waiting for some guests to arrive then have to go see my big client. After that I can go home and cry. I plan to take a nice, long walk tonight too and then go to bed early.
This morning was nice. The Nigerian family that I help has had absolutely ZERO luck finding suitable housing. The place they live in now is an absolute dump, the landlords should be arrested. Mold problems, live wires hanging everywhere. Me and another woman have tired and tried to find them something. We even put together €2000 in cash that we could give as a security deposit (nearly 4 months rent) but no one would rent to them because they are refugees. The woman is about to give birth any day and we didn't want her bringing the baby into the mold filled home so we came up with a new plan, to clean up the old house. We have been bleaching the walls, sanding, putting up new stucco, painting, pulling up old carpet, cleaning. it will be a brand new house when we are done. They had a lot of friends over helping as well, it was a nice experience, I wish I could have stayed longer to help more. In addition to helping them it was a good distraction. I will go back tomorrow to do the final coat of paint and clean.
This morning was nice. The Nigerian family that I help has had absolutely ZERO luck finding suitable housing. The place they live in now is an absolute dump, the landlords should be arrested. Mold problems, live wires hanging everywhere. Me and another woman have tired and tried to find them something. We even put together €2000 in cash that we could give as a security deposit (nearly 4 months rent) but no one would rent to them because they are refugees. The woman is about to give birth any day and we didn't want her bringing the baby into the mold filled home so we came up with a new plan, to clean up the old house. We have been bleaching the walls, sanding, putting up new stucco, painting, pulling up old carpet, cleaning. it will be a brand new house when we are done. They had a lot of friends over helping as well, it was a nice experience, I wish I could have stayed longer to help more. In addition to helping them it was a good distraction. I will go back tomorrow to do the final coat of paint and clean.
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I've been thinking more about what Dee said about the relationships we chose when we were drinking. My judgment was so impaired for so long. I can't remember the last relationship that I was in that didn't begin in the midst of an alcoholic haze or otherwise was affected by my heavy alcohol use.
So, if you have to end this relationship with your boyfriend because it is a dead-end relationship, so be it. Your judgment is so much better now that you are not drinking, you are almost certainly doing the right thing by moving on.
And, when the time comes to enter into another relationship, you will undoubtedly use better judgment when choosing a new mate. And, for what it's worth, with all of the positive changes in your life in the last 6 months, you will undoubtedly attract a much better mate than before.
Try to be patient. You are doing great. And we are proud of you.
So, if you have to end this relationship with your boyfriend because it is a dead-end relationship, so be it. Your judgment is so much better now that you are not drinking, you are almost certainly doing the right thing by moving on.
And, when the time comes to enter into another relationship, you will undoubtedly use better judgment when choosing a new mate. And, for what it's worth, with all of the positive changes in your life in the last 6 months, you will undoubtedly attract a much better mate than before.
Try to be patient. You are doing great. And we are proud of you.
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