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Day 7

Old 04-17-2016, 11:22 PM
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Unhappy Day 7

Hi all,

Just on Day 7 of no booze. It's been bloody hard but lurking here has kept me going. Until now and now I need to post. I felt little moments of joy over the weekend - I went outside and spent time with the dog exploring a creek which felt great - jumped in .... cold murky water. Lots of fun. Going back to being a kid again - remembering how much fun happens without booze. Actually the most fun in my life has been without booze.

My partner is a very angry person. Our relationship has been stormy to say the least. He's never hit me but I think he grew up seeing his dad do that to his mum. Whenever he communicates a 'negative' emotion, he raises his voice, or yells. And he has no awareness he is. And when I tell him he is raising his voice, he yells and goes THIS IS ME RAISING MY VOICE. If you get my meaning.

I used to drink whenever we had a fight. It made it all go OK. I was like, alcohol is my refuge and now I can forget about it and we can continue on in our relationship like nothing happened. Thing is, I've been doing that for about 2 years now. Yup, alcohol was why I kept dating him through the fights pretty much. I mean, otherwise I'd have not been able to forgive some of the stuff he has said.

My dad used to hit me. He once told me that he could see why men in the past have hit me, because I put them in the position to. (I've had previously abusive boyfriends).

I feel like no booze (I know...it's only Day 7 :/) has started to shift some really massive things. Like, I told him today that I hoped we could come to a 50/50 agreement where when I did something that frustrated him he could pause and maybe think about NOT raising his voice, to bring it up. He told me I needed to see a psychologist.

I realise maybe I've been frustrating to live with due to drinking loads over 2 years. He doesn't know how much cos I've been hiding it. He doesn't know how bad the detox was for me (I ended up getting a tummy bug which caused me to stop at the same time coincidentally and I just rolled on with not drinking).

But I can't put up with being treated like that anymore. It's like my standards are higher or something. I love him with all my heart - we are great together, but communication and feeling safe to is pretty darn important isn't it?

Sober Recovery - a simple name for an immense beast I am ill-equipped to handle but taking it one step at a time. Thanks for letting me share. Much appreciated.
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Old 04-17-2016, 11:28 PM
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Congratulations on seven days! It is great that you decided that you want to handle this situation in a way other than drinking. It works for a while, until it doesn't anymore. Just remember that only you know what you are feeling, and only you know what is best for you. Since you have determined that drinking isn't what is best for you, you're off to a great start taking care of yourself!
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Old 04-18-2016, 12:12 AM
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Hi peacefulfreedom - I think there are many kinds of abuse beyond the physical.

If you feel this is an abusive relationship, or that you're living in fear - even only at times - I think you deserve better - everybody does.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

I'm not trying to put words into your mouth or thoughts in your head...but if some of the stuff in that link had you nodding, there's a number of local sites you might want to check out as well.

Domestic Violence Hotline Queensland
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/

If you feel you need to do so, remember to clear your browser history when you're done.

D
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Old 04-18-2016, 12:29 AM
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Hang in there, peacefulfreedom! First off, good on you for sticking with sobriety for the week. It's hard when you have so much stress. Sobriety needs to be your main goal. It sounds like your BF is part of the problem, not part of the solution.

Be safe!
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Old 04-18-2016, 12:40 AM
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I hope you can move on and find some peace of mind living on your own. No one deserves such abuse.

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Old 04-18-2016, 03:10 AM
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Hi Peacefulfreedom,

First, congratulations on seven days sober, that is an excellent start to your journey!!!

Your post is concerning, it sounds like he has been physical with you in the past, at the very least he has mentioned he can see why others have been. His verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse, and neither is ok. You deserve someone who loves and supports you, someone who builds you up, not puts you down. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship, however, this one sounds unhealthy, and you deserve much better.

Please continue to read and post, also, check out some of the links Dee posted above.

❤️ Delilah
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Old 04-19-2016, 02:08 AM
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Thanks guys....checking out the links as we speak. I'm just worried that I've 'caused this' so to speak because I've been an alcoholic for the last 2 years pretty much. That can't have been easy to live with at all We've had so many fights... if I hadn't been drunk for lots of the last 2 years we definitely wouldn't be together anymore.

He said I have trouble handling criticism. That it's a huge problem for me. That it's caused problems in my life before he's met me and he can tell with my friends and family.

*** I KNOW I have trouble handling criticism. It hurts heaps and I get emotional. And I take it personally. And I think it's made me leave jobs before. And, for the record, I've had literally over 10 jobs in the last 18 months because I've hopped from workplace to workplace because I've hated the work and environments. I've been at the current place for 4 months now and it's going OK now which is good. It's going better than my relationship actually.

My gut hurts as I write this cos I'm not sure if he was just saying that to pump himself up ... but then everything's a bit odd right now, getting sober and stuff - I'm sorting out so many areas of my life and we fit so well in lots of them.

OK..gonna read the links. Thanks again, means heaps you guys.

He has never admitted fault with anything.

Should I wait a certain amount of time to be sober so my head clears before I decide what to do??? I'm only 9 days sober now...I know big changes and stuff... I don't have a lot of money otherwise I'd go get counselling definitely.
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Old 04-19-2016, 05:00 AM
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It sounds like even 9 days sober is a huge achievement given what's been heaped on you. You must put yourself first when others are trying to diminish you in such awful ways. Even though money's tough, YOU COME FIRST, and are worth it.
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Old 04-19-2016, 05:08 AM
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Hi PF

Congrats on 7 days and for taking big steps to take care of YOU. I know for me learning to love myself, or at least not beat myself up, is a huge part of recovery.

I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years that ended last summer. I thought he was perfect, I thought we were perfect for each other. I couldn't admit to myself that my values and boundaries were being compromised. I couldn't allow myself to see that I was with a man that could never me love me the way I needed. Unrequited love....just like my childhood. Always trying to win the love of a mother who was completely incapable. Who told me I wasn't good enough, that I was 'different' and 'weird'. I became codependant in childhood, conforming myself to whomever I was trying to please. Becoming more of what I thought they wanted me to be in order to get love. It took me a while to realize that I was reliving my childhood in this past relationship. I also realized that I was allowing myself to be treated poorly and hurt. I realized in spades that no one treats me poorly unless I let them. I realized I had chosen the perfect person to continue the pattern of neglect and emotional abandonment in order to fulfill this internal idea that I don't deserve love.

I do deserve love, and so do you. The only one that can make sure you are treated with kindness, dignity and respect is you. You aren't great together if he is abusive and it triggers you to drink. He is perfectly wrong.

I'm glad you're taking steps to take care of you!
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