Turtle76

Hello all... I normally post in FFA, but I have come to realize that I, too, have a drinking problem. It was easy to see my boyfriend was an alcoholic, so I could point my finger and hide my own addiction behind his. Anywho, I am coming to terms with it all now, so I will probably find myself over in this section more often now.

I am 79 days sober right now. Ive done it by reading alot of y'alls posts and for that I thank you. I have learned sooo much here. I decided earlier this week it was time to start meeting sober people face to face, so off to my first AA meeting I went. I really identified with a lot of what I heard and said to myself, "well im pretty sure im an alcoholic now. " Ive been to a meeting everyday this week. And I got myself a sponsor. And now I am experiencing overwhelming anxiety. Just wondering if this is normal? I really hadn't been feeling too much anxiety until yesterday in my whole recovery process yet. I am wondering if this is just my addiction kicking into high gear because im trying to tame it? Or am I feeling something in AA that is making me uncomfortable and I should listen because maybe it's not the right place for me. I'm kinda afraid of becoming "brainwashed." For some reason I don't have this panic at Alanon meetings. Anyone else ever have this experience?

doggonecarl

If it were possible, it would take more than a week to get brainwashed. I think you are just feeling the anxiety of coming to grips with your alcoholism.

What would you tell your ABF if one week into AA he started to tell you it wasn't for him?

blueberry2015

I agree that you are coming to grips with sobriety, it is totally normal to experience times of anxiety, confusing etc. As for "brainwashing" its IS a spiritual programme but does not focus on one particular faith, so no cults, no leaders etc etc all you have to believe in is a power higher than yourself and that could be anyone or anything, you decide x

OldTomato

I echo this.

Addiction will work against you and give you a list of reasons why you shouldn't be in those rooms. Continuing to go is part of beating that addiction.
There are recovery groups other than AA out there, but if you've stayed sober while working the program then I would recommend sticking with it.

D122y

Turtle,

I had anxiety really bad when I quit. The world seemed to be moving to fast for me.

Fortunately, when I was in my home, relaxing, my anxiety would quell.

But, when I did new things, went to places that I had only been to when I was drunk...which literally was everywhere, the anxiety would ramp up.

But, since I had SR, and my quell times, I knew it would go away eventually.

It has now just about dissappeared. It took nearly a year.

If I would have known what I was doing to myself 20 years ago, I would have dropped the booze like a hot rock.

Now I know.

Alcohol is poison. Don't believe the hype.

ALinNS

I am of the opinion you are coming to grips with how you relate to others in the group, your history with alcohol and being sober.

Anxiety is common, if I were to reflect talking to others in Detox or AA, it can take weeks or months for this anxiety to settle down, it took quite a while for me. There are things you can do which really helped me, breathing, meditation and Yoga, all learned in a one month program and it has worked wonders in my life.

All the best
Andrew

aasharon90

Some folks Id hear share about brainwashing
in AA recovery would say they definitely needed
brain-washing because of all those dirty thoughts,
negative, not logical, arguments running crazy
between my ears and everything else that wasn't
healthy or honest in there.

I needed a thorough cleaning in relearning
about my addiction to make good space in
my mind, heart and soul to accept healthier
recovery tools and knowledge to incorporate
in all areas of my life.

Whatever lessons I may have picked up
in the past that turned negative in my
thoughts and actions had to have a thorough
brain-washing, cleaning, car-washing clean,
to clear away dirt and clutter in there.

All that "stuff" wasn't helpful or healthy
for me to move forward in my own recovery.

It's okay to start with a clean. fresh mind
to begin your recovery journey and travels
for many one days at a time sober ahead of you.

MIRecovery

My brain needed a good washing. The anxiety is us seeing that the way we've been living is not the way we should be living.

My sponsor told me I didn't get sick in a day and I wasn't going to get better in one either. Just take it a day at a time and don't quit before the miracle happens

fini

Or am I feeling something in AA that is making me uncomfortable and I should listen because maybe it's not the right place for me.

Turtle,
for me, there are different kinds of "uncomfortable".
mostly two categories: the one where i'm uncomfortable because somerthing is wrong/not okay, and the other, where something is uncomfortable because its discomfiting. meaning: it's scary, rattling, new, shaking, provoking....and i may want to run but underneath have a glimmer of sensing that it is exactly the right and ultimately beneficial thing to stick with it and look deeper and be in the discomfort.

discerning which is which gets easier.

Turtle76

Here's the thing though, I haven't had a drink in almost 3 months. I had very mild anxiety for the first 3 days without a drink, then I have felt pretty darn good since then, without meetings. Now, I go to AA then this crazy anxiety starts. Heart racing and fear. I cant concentrate or quiet my mind. I think i will try a meditation. Come to think of it, I haven't done that in a few days, and I was being pretty good about meditation for quite a few weeks. I guess I am just wondering if AA is for me? I have learned through this forum that its not for everyone and not the only way. I know I am the only one who can answer that question. You also might be right about the anxiety being related to How im relating to others in the group. This is the first time in 20 years I am meeting new people without alcohol as a mask.

ALinNS

In the mid 1990's when I went to AA for the first (maybe 6 times) anxiety was very, very high but I stuck with it.

It could be AA is not for you however I would encourage you to get a dozen meetings under your belt before you leave, maybe something will click and the anxiety will settle down.

It was really hard at first listening to others share what seemed to be my story, the horror, grief, resentment etc. was hard to deal with but I reached out and glad I did.

I am more of a RR guy however but I still attend AA online a few times a week, go to AA once a week in person and on here daily. For me it's a combination of a lot of things that keep me sober.

Wishing you the very best
Andrew

Fly N Buy

Many of us get "edgy" if we stop doing the things we need to daily. If I don't start my day with prayer and meditation things usually don't feel all together right. I can get pulled out of the sunlight pretty quickly. I need my "medicine" daily - then I stand a pretty good chance of getting another 24 hours sober.

The program of AA is simply to evoke in us a spiritual awakening. For me as I began to wrestle with that - going from sleeping to alert - leading me to becoming awake - that indeed can be unsettling.

The flip side of that coin is the pink cloud where life is now grand. My experience is neither the pain nor the euphoric feeling lasts - however, both are evidence of growth I have found.

The good news is I don't have to allow my sick brain to figure it all out today. If I don't drink, meditate, catch a meeting / interact with others here the day is pretty smooth. If not, I get another chance tomorrow.

greens

I really don't have much to share but I can relate that the anxiety I felt in aa was nothing compared to how relaxed I felt in al anon. Different fellowships can have different vibes. I would try a few more meetings but it's really up to you how you feel about them, if it's too much anxiety and you feel it isnt helping there's no harm in not going - it sounds like you ve made it three months on your own. Out stories are kinda similar I don't think I went to my first aa meeting until I was a few months sober.

Soberwolf

Congrats on 79 days sober

Turtle76

I am relieved to hear someone else has experienced this. Even when I read the alanon literature, I understand it. I read the AA literature and I am perplexed. The antiquated writing doesn't help matters. I don't want to sound like I am bashing these programs, because i think they are hugely beneficial. Alanon really opened my eyes and I really want AA to work for me... I can see the benefits of the 12 steps. I just dont like this feeling im having. However, I got to where I am today by avoiding feelings altogether 😕

blueberry2015

I getcha, the quotes from the big book etc were completely alienating. I found listening to others stories quite uncomfortable, why? Because it resurfaced and echoed my own alcholism, some days Id walk out craving a drink.... but I kept going back. Eventually it all sunk in, I have learnt more about myself in those rooms than any counsellor. I love going to meetings now!

AA is a miracle really, people with 20 years plus sobriety all credit given to AA - something works.

Give yourself a little more time, it could be that it is not for you, but I hope you give yourself more time to establish that for sure x x x

AnvilheadII

if i have the math right, you have attended meetings for a week......i'd say give it a bit more time. your anxiety could be from many sources. keep an open mind. you said you heard your story in others.......that identification is very important.

as far as the book being antiquated......ever seen the list of CLASSIC READING?

Don Quixote - 1605
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - 1884
War and Peace - 1869
Catcher in the Rye - 1951
Pride and Prejudice - 1813

nobody ever suggested those books be updated or modernized......just sayin'

tomsteve

i can relate to that. trying to understand the english language the way it is suppised to be used and written was rather hard for me,too.
but eventually i learned and now i see how well versed the big book is and how well knowledged in english composition the writers were.

Dee74

Hi Turtle

if you were being brainwashed you wouldn't be worried or anxious about this

Getting into recovery is a big step, jopining AA is a big step too...closing a door, any kind of door, can rake up all kinds of feelings - and some of those feelings can contradict others

you're doing a good thing for yourself - try and work through the fear and remember that you want change

D

Turtle76

Hey everyone... thanks for all the input. My anxiety seems to have calmed down today. I had a great talk with my sponsor. I agree with most that this is a natural reaction to finally accepting that I am indeed an alcoholic and I am committing to major changes in my life. Before I started AA meetings, I was sort of just conducting an experiment and toying with this idea of quitting. Now, I know this is the path I need to take. Today I woke up filled with gratitude for that, instead of fear. There are probably gonna be many more days of uncomfortable feelings ahead of me, but at least I am going through it, rather than around it... which has been my M.O. for too long.

Thanks again for everyones support 💗