Female ACOA - Struggling w/ realization, hurt, guilt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii
Posts: 16
Female ACOA - Struggling w/ realization, hurt, guilt
Where Ive come from:
Im the youngest daughter of my alcoholic mom. Im realizing I dont know my father much, he "traveled for work" 90% of my life, from infancy to 21 ( I moved 500 mls away for college that same year). My sister is older by 5 yrs., and experienced a slightly different childhood than me, as life really started to deteriorate at home when I was 12, that year she moved out. Useless to say, homelife was mine and mom's dirty little secret.
My father almost left her when she got arrested, I was age 16 and left my nightly job to pick her up from jail. I asked her when dad was coming home to help, her response was "He says he's not." He and I seldom spoke, I was suprised and nervous when he arrived home weeks later.
I will stop there, but Ive joined this forum as I am for the first time opening my eyes to all the hidden, secretive, shameful, and damaged traits I have developed as a means to preserve sanity and loyalty to my mom. Im so very overwhelmed. Mostly with a lot of repressed, anonymous pain, devastating facts that I now finally see, with a 29 yrs old, objectiv mind. The new deep resentment for the man that is my father, and pain of heart brake realizing my mom, my best friend, my confidant was not loyal to me as I to her. She still chooses alcohol daily. Sometimes I have to block her so that she cant txt and leave messages telling me Im no longer her daughter and that Im a selfish person who has only ever caused problems for her, and her marriage.
Ive never, ever confronted this hurtful truth before, and just really need to talk to someone that knows exactly how I feel. Ive always been jealous of other mothers and daughters, even fantasized that teachers or psychologists, even co-workers were my mother, bewildering, and shameful for a 29 yr old woman to still be thinking.
The hurt is over whelming, and its all I can think about.
Sorry, that was really depressing!! Lol. Feels good just to even vent these hidden feelings and confusions. Thanks to anyone who listened
Im the youngest daughter of my alcoholic mom. Im realizing I dont know my father much, he "traveled for work" 90% of my life, from infancy to 21 ( I moved 500 mls away for college that same year). My sister is older by 5 yrs., and experienced a slightly different childhood than me, as life really started to deteriorate at home when I was 12, that year she moved out. Useless to say, homelife was mine and mom's dirty little secret.
My father almost left her when she got arrested, I was age 16 and left my nightly job to pick her up from jail. I asked her when dad was coming home to help, her response was "He says he's not." He and I seldom spoke, I was suprised and nervous when he arrived home weeks later.
I will stop there, but Ive joined this forum as I am for the first time opening my eyes to all the hidden, secretive, shameful, and damaged traits I have developed as a means to preserve sanity and loyalty to my mom. Im so very overwhelmed. Mostly with a lot of repressed, anonymous pain, devastating facts that I now finally see, with a 29 yrs old, objectiv mind. The new deep resentment for the man that is my father, and pain of heart brake realizing my mom, my best friend, my confidant was not loyal to me as I to her. She still chooses alcohol daily. Sometimes I have to block her so that she cant txt and leave messages telling me Im no longer her daughter and that Im a selfish person who has only ever caused problems for her, and her marriage.
Ive never, ever confronted this hurtful truth before, and just really need to talk to someone that knows exactly how I feel. Ive always been jealous of other mothers and daughters, even fantasized that teachers or psychologists, even co-workers were my mother, bewildering, and shameful for a 29 yr old woman to still be thinking.
The hurt is over whelming, and its all I can think about.
Sorry, that was really depressing!! Lol. Feels good just to even vent these hidden feelings and confusions. Thanks to anyone who listened
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi BK
Welcome! I know the pain you are feeling. I think the anger toward my parents, and childhood neglect and abuse, really started in my late teens/early 20's. It is good that you recognize what is happening and are seeking some support. The kind of anger you are experiencing can be very damaging if you don't learn to process it and forgive.
ACOA is a group, like AA or NA, and I highly suggest looking into meetings. Some of it is goofy, but a lot of it is really helpful. I have learned that I have a damaged inner child, who is frightened and needs nurturing. That inner child is where my anger stems from. The child who was never held, told she was ok just the way she is and loved by a responsible parent. I never really had a 'childhood' and it can be very sad mourning that loss. I didn't realize the extent of my messed up childhood, how abnormal it was, until I had my own child. But I have had to learn to forgive my parents (and siblings) as a means of moving on.
Hang in there.
Welcome! I know the pain you are feeling. I think the anger toward my parents, and childhood neglect and abuse, really started in my late teens/early 20's. It is good that you recognize what is happening and are seeking some support. The kind of anger you are experiencing can be very damaging if you don't learn to process it and forgive.
ACOA is a group, like AA or NA, and I highly suggest looking into meetings. Some of it is goofy, but a lot of it is really helpful. I have learned that I have a damaged inner child, who is frightened and needs nurturing. That inner child is where my anger stems from. The child who was never held, told she was ok just the way she is and loved by a responsible parent. I never really had a 'childhood' and it can be very sad mourning that loss. I didn't realize the extent of my messed up childhood, how abnormal it was, until I had my own child. But I have had to learn to forgive my parents (and siblings) as a means of moving on.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi babykittens, I'm much older than you but also have a fragile and contentious relationship with my mother. It is horrible so I feel for you. I can only share what I have done, and that is to create rock solid boundaries and then make sure they are not crossed. Even at my age it is very difficult because after all, they are your parents. That being said, they are not infallible and you need to protect your own sanity. I wish you the best.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
I too come from an alcoholic home. My father was one and my parents divorced when I was young. I was raised by a scarred and emotionally unstable mother. It still affects me to this day. I think Thomas is right, boundaries are important. I think it's also important to reach out and find some people who can give you what you need, so you're not looking for it in the wrong places.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii
Posts: 16
Thank you<3
Thank you so much for the supportive and meaningful responses. Apparently, I did not have email notifications turned on, and just now saw these when I logged back in for the first time tonight. I attended my first al-anon meeting a few hours ago and have decided to keep attending.
I'm honestly overwhelmed by the amount of support and acceptance that family members and ACOA's lovingly give to each other. I never imagined this type of treatment from people that don't even know me, could be possible. Truly appreciative, and happy to be a part of a community so healing, and compassionate)
I'm honestly overwhelmed by the amount of support and acceptance that family members and ACOA's lovingly give to each other. I never imagined this type of treatment from people that don't even know me, could be possible. Truly appreciative, and happy to be a part of a community so healing, and compassionate
)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
i'm a double winner - child of alcoholics and an alcoholic myself. i'm also a mother to a teenage daughter.
i've been no contact with my mother for almost ten years, and sober for just over two. both of these actions have improved my stress levels dramatically. although, i'm 43, and i'm sad every day for the childhood i didn't have.
i'm sorry things have been so hard for you. keep on with Al-Anon if it works for you - it will help you set boundaries and realise that this is not yours to put right.
i've been no contact with my mother for almost ten years, and sober for just over two. both of these actions have improved my stress levels dramatically. although, i'm 43, and i'm sad every day for the childhood i didn't have.
i'm sorry things have been so hard for you. keep on with Al-Anon if it works for you - it will help you set boundaries and realise that this is not yours to put right.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Welcome! I know the pain you are feeling. I think the anger toward my parents, and childhood neglect and abuse, really started in my late teens/early 20's.
It is good that you recognize what is happening and are seeking some support. The kind of anger you are experiencing can be very damaging if you don't learn to process it and forgive.
ACOA is a group, like AA or NA, and I highly suggest looking into meetings. Some of it is goofy, but a lot of it is really helpful. I have learned that I have a damaged inner child, who is frightened and needs nurturing.
That inner child is where my anger stems from. The child who was never held, told she was ok just the way she is and loved by a responsible parent. I never really had a 'childhood' and it can be very sad mourning that loss.
I didn't realize the extent of my messed up childhood, how abnormal it was, until I had my own child. But I have had to learn to forgive my parents (and siblings) as a means of moving on. Hang in there.
All the best on your journey babykittens, keep posting. It's great to see some meaningful conversation here.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Forgiveness is key to your healing.
As one who recently lost her mother to illness, I know the importance of repairing your relationship with your mother before she passes. Glad I was able to do this.
Glad you found SR! Stick around here!!
As one who recently lost her mother to illness, I know the importance of repairing your relationship with your mother before she passes. Glad I was able to do this.
Glad you found SR! Stick around here!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
