I fired my sponsor today
 

I feel really bad, guilty and shameful.

I'm sad because I really DID love her and I DO love her but I no longer want what she has and some of her tactics were really scaring me. She told me I hurt her deeply. I feel badly about that. But I tried to stay and make things work. She wouldn't change any of her tactics. She wouldn't NOT call me names like "ingrate" and "loser." She was unyielding that her way...big book step study...was the only way to do this program. That IS what worked for her but it is NOT working for me. She has the right to sponsor according to her beliefs but I also have the right to say no, this is not working for me.

She loves me and wishes me the best. And I love her and wish her well too.

For 8 months she's been by my side. And now I am alone and really scared. I'm a wreck. Sobbing at my desk, coworkers asking me what's wrong etc. I asked my boss if I could leave at noon. I'm meeting a woman I know who has 30 years sobriety for a cup of coffee tonight.

I need hugs and love. I am really broken and scared right now.

I understand completely why you did what you did, but I also understand that it is difficult. Big hug from me. :hug:

That was a difficult decision, and I'm sorry that you had to do that.

It sounds to me like you did the right thing. A good sponsor would have excepted your leaving with grace and would have wished you the best. Not say how much it hurt her. She's looking out for her best interest, not yours. That's not right.

You did the right thing.

Whatever her motives, her tactics were abusive and unacceptable.

I was thinking...in a way, it's very much like ending any abusive relationship that has an addictive component. Maybe it would help to spend some time over in Friends and Family? I think many of the posts would be helpful?

You are stronger than you know.

Another big hug...

P.S. You have 10.5 months sober despite a mentally ill and abusive primary relationship. You can do anything.

Sounds like you made the right call. Best of luck moving forward and finding a new sponsor.

I am not sure if you have to say fired. Maybe parted ways. Sounds like you made the right call. The right person will appear for you. Things seem to happen that way when you put in the work.

Yeah I don't like the word "Fired" either. It IS the AA lingo though. But yes, we ended the sponsor-sponsee relationship.

Bunny, it's best to not love anyone who calls you names like that. I am truly sorry and I hope that you know you are so much better than she has made you out to be.

You are strong and smart and you will be able to do this.

The sponsor called you names?

That's a no-go!

You did the right thing.

You are NOT a loser!

Good decision judging from everything you've written in here recently.

I'm sure she had her good points and taught you some good things in those 8 months. Take those and leave the rest and keep moving forward.

Don't be in a hurry to fill her void. You'll know the right person when they come along. In the meantime, I'm sure you've got other phone numbers you can use and, of course, SR is here 24 hours a day as well.

Have you found some meetings yet where you're "allowed" to share? I know you're also looking at some other recovery meetings/groups now, but don't give up on AA. Meetings come in all shapes and sizes. You just seem to have come into contact with a group with a very strict fundamentalist type approach. Maybe it's what you needed in early sobriety...who knows?

Your sobriety is very inspiring to me. Keep doing the next right thing. You're doing amazing.

Good call Bunny.

You're not the first person who had to part ways with their sponsor. You won't be the last. The schedule is big, there are a lot of meetings, and if you feel adventurous you could always try an NA one or two. Whatever works for you.

Find some people who have been around a long time who are obviously not crazy and relate your experience to them outside of a meeting context. It's been my experience that they will guide you in the right direction and give you some good advice

You did the right thing. Hugs to you! We are here for you until you find a new one!

Yeah, sounds to me like you made the right choice. Constructive criticism that makes you take another look at yourself is one thing, insults and name-calling are quite the opposite. Taking your decision to get another sponsor personally is also not what good sponsorship is about, from my understanding. It is good that you have already lined up someone else to talk to. Be strong. You will get through this and, hopefully, find a sponsor who is a better fit.

name-calling isn't helpful to recovery-
I think you did what is best for both of you.

I think you made the right choice as well, I am a little surprised she took offense to it, I have had to let two go in the past 20 years and it's not easy however my sobriety is far too important, I am not really one to pay lip service or if my sponsor cuts down what other tools I am using, we have a problem, tools being belief's such as RR or SMART.

Bunny, I also think you made the right choice. Sponsors are supposed to help guide, not sit in judgment. I know people who have been sponsors and have had sponsees who moved on. The good ones may feel some hurt but they also realize that each of us needs to work with someone whose values are similar to our own.

Calling people names is, IMHO, totally unacceptable.

Good decision Bunny. You did what you needed to to keep you on track with your goal. If someone or something gets in the way with our sobriety then we need to make an adjustment. Nothing personal, but you need to look out for you on this one.

I find it disturbing that she called you names. That's not someone who should be a sponsor. Like Anna said, it's best not to love someone who calls you names like that.

You did the right thing. She deserved to be fired. And you shouldn't feel bad about it. She's not worth it.

I hope you find a good sponsor soon!

Dang, I would've "fired" her, too! You did the right thing: you said no to abusive behavior. It doesn't matter what kind of title she justified it with, she sounds like a bully. SHE ought to be the one feeling bad, not you! Maybe you don't need a sponsor -- it sounds like that can become another sort of addiction. (Or maybe you just need a nicer person who is supportive, not a jerk.) Your old self might have put up with her nonsense, but the new you isn't. Kuddos!