My personal hell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Central KY
Posts: 40
My personal hell
Hello SR,
Its been a while since ive posted, but ive been on here everyday. So I have a tale to relate, which I suppose I just had to find out for myself.
So back in February, I managed to go 13 days, which was a miracle. I am in a stressful job thats non-stop, and going through withdrawals while working was awful. I must’ve paced the flooring out of this house, I was pacing back and forth like a caged pitbull a lot of the time. My withdrawal symtoms were pretty rough, shaky hands, a lot of sweating, and gobs of anxiety. I still had the sweaty and shaky hands at 13 days. Then I did something I regret and went back to drinking. That’s when my own personal hell really started.
Since that time, I have experienced anxiety and depression that is beyond description. And of course, the drinking progressing in an effort to control the emotions. My anxiety got to the point where I couldn’t function, or be around my family or anybody. I started waking in panic attacks and shortness of breath. Sleep would not come at all, and has been the most tormented sleep I could ever imagine. All of that mixed in with deep depression. All seemed very dark. I cried frequently. Suicidal thoughts. Continued drinking. Out of control behavior. I have crossed a line with drinking, and there can be no return. I hope I never forget the past couple of months, and this living hell I have been in.
I am back on Day One. I feel thankful. I have prayed deeply for serenity, and just in that transformation, my anxiety is almost gone. I see a therapist on Friday. I am headed to a meeting tonight, with a lot of good people.
When I made 13 days in February, I didn’t want to post until I had made two weeks, because I wanted to say I had done something. I never made it that far. This time I’m starting today.
God Bless you all. If you pray, pray for me, cause I know theres many challenges ahead.
Its been a while since ive posted, but ive been on here everyday. So I have a tale to relate, which I suppose I just had to find out for myself.
So back in February, I managed to go 13 days, which was a miracle. I am in a stressful job thats non-stop, and going through withdrawals while working was awful. I must’ve paced the flooring out of this house, I was pacing back and forth like a caged pitbull a lot of the time. My withdrawal symtoms were pretty rough, shaky hands, a lot of sweating, and gobs of anxiety. I still had the sweaty and shaky hands at 13 days. Then I did something I regret and went back to drinking. That’s when my own personal hell really started.
Since that time, I have experienced anxiety and depression that is beyond description. And of course, the drinking progressing in an effort to control the emotions. My anxiety got to the point where I couldn’t function, or be around my family or anybody. I started waking in panic attacks and shortness of breath. Sleep would not come at all, and has been the most tormented sleep I could ever imagine. All of that mixed in with deep depression. All seemed very dark. I cried frequently. Suicidal thoughts. Continued drinking. Out of control behavior. I have crossed a line with drinking, and there can be no return. I hope I never forget the past couple of months, and this living hell I have been in.
I am back on Day One. I feel thankful. I have prayed deeply for serenity, and just in that transformation, my anxiety is almost gone. I see a therapist on Friday. I am headed to a meeting tonight, with a lot of good people.
When I made 13 days in February, I didn’t want to post until I had made two weeks, because I wanted to say I had done something. I never made it that far. This time I’m starting today.
God Bless you all. If you pray, pray for me, cause I know theres many challenges ahead.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
I would strongly encourage you to seek medical advice and help, I know until I did and we got to the bottom of the problem, anxiety and depression always led me back to the bottle but that has changed.
All the best
Andrew
All the best
Andrew
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back OldSkool. Your post brings back a lot of vivid memories, i'm glad you've decided to make a change for the better. Sounds like you have some good steps in motion already with a meeting tonight and seeing a therapist too. Keep an open mind and do anything you can to make this the time you do quit for good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 157
Hi Old school,
I can relate on so many levels to how you're feeling. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have always turned to the bottle for solace from this. What i found was that it dod nothing for me but make the symptoms worse after I was done on one of my multiple binges. Have you spoken to a psychologist about the way you're feeling? I fought this battle for many years and found that they do help a lot. There are also many psychological drug and alcohol workers that not only understand but can really help as well. There are so many channels of support available out there but it can be a battle in itself to reach out and ask. My thoughts and prayers are with you x
I can relate on so many levels to how you're feeling. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have always turned to the bottle for solace from this. What i found was that it dod nothing for me but make the symptoms worse after I was done on one of my multiple binges. Have you spoken to a psychologist about the way you're feeling? I fought this battle for many years and found that they do help a lot. There are also many psychological drug and alcohol workers that not only understand but can really help as well. There are so many channels of support available out there but it can be a battle in itself to reach out and ask. My thoughts and prayers are with you x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
Welcome back OldSkool 
I really think it helps to post everyday - waiting until you have a number of days up really makes no sense because this is a place of support, and you need support
I also think a plan is important - how are you going to stay sober this time?
D
I really think it helps to post everyday - waiting until you have a number of days up really makes no sense because this is a place of support, and you need support
I also think a plan is important - how are you going to stay sober this time?
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Congratulations on day one. I second a visit to the docs, for your safety, medical advice, support, and accountability.
The first couple of weeks can be tough and there is no way around it only through. We are here for you.
The first couple of weeks can be tough and there is no way around it only through. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Man, I really feel for you Oldskool. I can relate to everything you posted. I don't think there are words that accurately explain the torment you're going through. I think if there really is a place called hell, you are in it. It's a vicious cycle that just won't end.
Going to meetings and seeing a therapist is a great start, but at least for me, I had and still need to do a lot of stuff if I was to stay sober. I've heard some people say they got sober by just getting involved in AA, or just seeing a therapist. I think that's great, and I did/do those things, but then I still had the rest of the day to fill. Just about everything I do is connected to sobriety one way or another. I think sobriety is just not drinking, but a lifestyle, just like drinking is a lifestyle. Dee's idea of making a plan is really the way to go IMHO. Think of other things you could do every day that would help you to develop a sober life instead of a drinking life.
I know this is a long post, but like I said, your post described the life I was living and it touched a nerve I guess. Hope all goes well for you. John
Going to meetings and seeing a therapist is a great start, but at least for me, I had and still need to do a lot of stuff if I was to stay sober. I've heard some people say they got sober by just getting involved in AA, or just seeing a therapist. I think that's great, and I did/do those things, but then I still had the rest of the day to fill. Just about everything I do is connected to sobriety one way or another. I think sobriety is just not drinking, but a lifestyle, just like drinking is a lifestyle. Dee's idea of making a plan is really the way to go IMHO. Think of other things you could do every day that would help you to develop a sober life instead of a drinking life.
I know this is a long post, but like I said, your post described the life I was living and it touched a nerve I guess. Hope all goes well for you. John
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 106
OldSkool, Thanks for your post. It helps me to read that. You are accomplishing something every day, every hour that you stay sober.
Seek treatment for the anxiety and depression. My way of treating that was through alcohol (and other things) for far too long. Going without the substances made me experience the soul crushing emotions but with therapy and some prescribed legal medication for a period of time really helped to get back on track- what has really helped the the most, though, has been my sober support system!
See you around. Keep coming back!
Seek treatment for the anxiety and depression. My way of treating that was through alcohol (and other things) for far too long. Going without the substances made me experience the soul crushing emotions but with therapy and some prescribed legal medication for a period of time really helped to get back on track- what has really helped the the most, though, has been my sober support system!
See you around. Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 125
Glad you came back. I have been told that withdrawals are one of the biggest reasons why people relapse, so maybe if you get some support in managing your withdrawals, you can maintain your sobriety. Please see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. Also formulate a team of professionals to help you develop a plan to stay sober. I am very grateful to have an addictions psychiatrist, and addictions counselor, a therapist, AA and of course Sober Recovery to help me through this difficult period. Hopefully you can build a support system too! Best wishes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Central KY
Posts: 40
I'm not one to often quote AA literature, but I ran across something in the Big Book, (which I first acquired in meetings in 1996, just to give an idea how long Ive been trying to break free), that is so true to this post. "If you are an alcoholic and if you continue to drink, the end is death or insanity. They hadnt mentioned the living hell before death. I now know what they mean.
Thank you all for your replies, its good to be back.
and Dee, ive got a plan.
Thank you all for your replies, its good to be back.
and Dee, ive got a plan.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I have been in that dark place you describe many times. I paced for hours around my apartment because of the anxiety. I couldn't go outside because I would jump at every noise. Traffic scared me. I have twice gone to the ER for withdrawal symptoms and you should really consider it.
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