Choicy

Meditation is the only thing getting me through my breakup.
Prayers for, incredibly not using today.
I have always struggled with gratefulness.
I am switching jobs because the company is not great in supporting my recovery needs (less hours, more NA meetings). I think I have something to fall back on, but my savings will have to do. I think this is huge to working the 11th step. I'm still here so I must have been carried by a higher power, but faith is not my strong suit.
I'm learning to ask for help.
I am addressing my reservations.
This is a lot, a little at a time.
There was a time I was homeless and using.
Staying clean is all I'm focusing on.
This break-up sucks.

Choicy

I realize my ex was there to continue my NA growth. I committed to him, but in the end NA was the only thing committed in return.
I'm grateful to him for that and told him so via text today.

I opened the ACA (formerly introduced to me as ACOA) big book recently.

Working any step program to get to really know oneself (and WE ARE Worth it! Not as good nor as bad as we think. Definitely not worse than my old defacto-decision-making and downward spiral of chaos during growing up and using.)


My job lost it's glimmer; prestige is nothing since I was empty and afraid of being "found out."

My "status" in the community was *********.

My children saw through me and it was at home I let out the rage and anger and constant frustration, self-hatred and pain.
Protecting them moved from my abusive ex family, using buddies and ex boyfriends, to protecting them from me, and suicidal tendencies, made worse through paranoia, health issues, sexual acting out and fear.

(I hope this journey turns into adventure.)


Contact anyone in a program or online. Keep reaching out.



That is all I could tell myself amidst the committee of crazy in my head. That one sane child-like thought. I am worth it. There is another way.

That "other way" will begin popping up for you repeatedly until you take it. It is not like the former chasing I experienced, cops, hospital staff, parole officers, relation drama everywhere, constant fear and pretending, running on adrenaline, etc. When you truly have had enough, I believe you will give in to a new way. Our new way.

You are on your way Home right now. You don't have to die to get there.

Join me. There are other caring people near you, right now.

Believe me, If I can learn to love me, I can definitely and willingly love You.

And I do, dear Brother and Sister. Hear me now.

Choicy

I will always remember finding myself among the members of AA on that first night. It was life changing (extending) if I didn't know it then and often in my pain I can forget it now. Seeing newcomers of all ages, races and--- proclivity for using, makes me grateful to be here now. Some days that is the only thing I am grateful for honestly.

There is hope but that seems so dangerous even today. I am learning to pass NA's local number on to those that seek . na dot org for those that have access, and at this most recent area meeting, we hug! For those like me that never got that at my birth home, unless somebody wanted something, it took a while to willingly join in with.

As I reach a point of figuring my Self out, I can sit a little straighter in our chairs. Breathe a little more regularly and count on a happy face at a regional convention, people no longer shocked to see me show up and (not dead ). It's daunting. I marveled at old timers. Maybe I am becoming one. Jumping meetings doesn't seem to matter, it's the coming back.
My first convention someone said something unkind. But I showed up the next year anyway.

You are meant to be here. You are necessary. I extend my hand to you. Please take mine. Ours lives may depend on it.

Keep Coming Back.

Choicy

I am gaining clarity.
More Self-acceptance. This gives me some ability to not be full of quotes, I can listen to others today. I can choose who they are.

ACoA work again. Using kept me chasing. I am still here, so the daily question goes something like this
Recovery or Use?
Love or Fear?
Calm heart or human distracted-excitement
and finally
Ingratiation or Integration

Choicy

Today I am Beginning the steps again, but not from a Relapse or lack of commitment.

There are online meetings that have very successfully filled the gap between this site and face to face meetings

We have something lay people do not, especially in these days

Be-ourselves-Community

We are not so different. We all maybe hit a bottom in our own way and reach out?

I am making connections in small ways and not worrying so much about what other people think.

The on-line meetings help me work on my defects for sure.
What the bb states (pg 27) nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements
and NA states as [me being a self-centered ********] (see basic text obsession and compulsions)

There is Hope in Recovery
And a Universal Higher Power of Understanding

One day at a time
Just for Today
More Will Be Revealed.

And We Do Recover, but not in isolation
and not until I ask for assistance.



then do my part
to the best of my ability

Peace Brothers and Sisters, where ever You find yourself Today.

You are Loved. I love you.

I need you, here.

Dee74

yeah, its a great time for renewal Choicy

D

Choicy

I needed to go deeper.
NA keeps me CLEAN.Adult Children of Alcoholics helps me dig deeper.
I am going to the root of my addiction in multiple ways.
They all piggy-back one another.I have released my reservations.Only Narcotics Anonymous allows me to do this.
I am truly grateful for my start in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I am connected, just as I am, to others wanting a new way to live.
You don't have to be perfect. You just gotta want it.
And keep coming back.
Without the past haunting us, we are free to stop running.If you have a problem,
a nagging question, or
are really scared
deep down
about your using...then maybe the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text will shed some light on a very dark party. I didn't know there was an option to Party in the Light. Without the desire to use. Just for today.

Dee74

Welcome back Choicy

D