Dee74

Thats good stuff, Choicy.
Action works.

D

stevieg46

Hi Choicy .

One of the wisest sayings in the world spring to mind here '' Of all the people I have ever known , the one that has caused me the biggest problem is Myself ''

You seem to be riddled with ''low self worth '' that needs to change as quickly as possible, you need to let up on these feelings of not deserving a better way of life. It would be a good practice to learn to love yourself and at the same time be comfortable in your own skin.

Its imperative that you learn to detach from your family as you are ''yes you '' are allowing them to pull yourself down , those that say ''what's the use , never get far'' , you need to think deeply about the strength behind you not the problems behind you , that way the strength behind you takes care of everything in front of you , you have become your own worst enemy, its important to be comfortable in your own skin in al situations .

You need to let go of your dis-functional past and family as hanging on to them causes you pain , get a sheet of paper and do an inventory and try and find any benefits coming from your family and see if you are better off without them are you happier by ''detaching ''from them you can let go and let God or let go with love if you still have family ties with them , why hold onto anything that is causing you pain , detaching does not mean you hate them or anything it is much easier to have them out of your head and your life and its so simple to do so , let go and let God Choicy, I care very much bout you , so its time Choicy started caring about Choicy, do not be your own worst enemy love yourself first and foremost , how can you love or trust others if you do not love or trust yourself , then and only then will you be comfortable with yourself , lots of love in fellowship my friend .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 20006

Choicy

Due to your many thoughtful comments I intend to work on trust this week (which I hope leads to faith and confidence). Every time I decide to write on SR someone answers.

Darn "you people!" My people? SO much Love to give. I know I can find those people in my community too if I can bolster some trust. I hope I have helped just one person here during their suffering, as you have me.

I just cannot keep withdrawing. That's what led to my relapse. Keeping up appearances, grieving in the dark; Because I still don't believe in myself.

I will keep trying. It is a dark line between self pity and feeling self empathy. The twelve steps and SR's support may help me see myself differently, once and for all, undoing 40 years of distorted sight.

My birthday is upcoming. My friend has 13 years clean. That's something. I'll settle for my being clean today and know that others are too.

stevieg46

Its hard being miserable and grateful at the same time Choicy .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .

Choicy

Then, I aim to dig through my resentments again. I think I cheated myself.

If I have a flimsy foundation this is never going to work.

I can't thank you enough, dear friend.

Back at it today.

ps spoke to my sister on the telephone (boundaries). Practiced detachment. Let go after (worked on my feelings that came up)

Choicy

NA meetings and Sponsor work. Calling my sponsor. Checking in.

I put up posters.

I sat like a drowned rat in meetings and kept my mouth shut, ears open.

Welcome to ME. Join me!

Scary stuff, but not as bad as Me using. I don't want to ever go back. Not today.

Choicy

New family.


Forgetting the old, til I get stronger. Then maybe forgiveness comes?

also connecting sometimes here. Lot of chit chat, but also welcoming.

http://www.nachatroom.org/

Choicy

I have been gone from here, because I am working the steps with a sponsor. Really truly. I had tried it alone for too long because I didn't really want to surrender control. (control of what?? Everything was out of control, but drugs were my release. And my self-damnation) I can say I am 100% in Recovery commitment now.

Had to re-work the steps I just "worked" last year. I am understanding surrender in a new way, as in real empowerment coming from getting to know myself and not fighting all the time.

I was afraid of revealing myself for good reason; backlash from using friends and family. I was too vulnerable to say no. Now I have 3 people in recovery that I choose to share with consistently (call your sponsor I hear repeatedly, but no longer bristle.)

Stevie was my real sponsor and I thank you my friend for being on this site.

You helped me tell the truth .

I believe in Narcotics Anonymous.

I believe in finding my place without the use of substances that never last. Never never last. I don't want the temporary. I want something I can rely on that is more loving than that.

teatreeoil007

Awesome stuff, Choicy. So good to hear how you're doing...err...read how you're doing. Keep it up. Hugs.

Choicy

I found an all female group to attend, since I am female, it helps me sort out specific defects I have based on some blatant gender biases I have while working on boundaries and fitting in. And understanding myself. It is a small group of 4. I hated the big gatherings.

This week I am trying my first NA outing. Even though we have different drugs of choice, we are all trying to reach out and be a part of something...despite our warped thinking. And have FUN despite the above references.

Soberrecovery helped me try this and I could unplug when I got scared.!

Now I'm learning to take some criticism, or just differences, and stand up for myself without getting defensive...which Requires an Outlet Somewhere. I cannot pretend, but I have to learn others have feelings too. And not share with people that aim to judge or lash out at me.

Belonging is a desire and a sense of angst for me.

I am willing to try something new, just for today. Working the 12 steps is helping me accept myself, or others, and hopefully both.

Choicy

Now that I am not so afraid of my own shadow, what is the best way to use this site?

Dee74

Depends on what you want to use it for Choicy?

D

Choicy

Revised clean date.

12-18-2017.

I am in the solution by being a part of the NA community.

Wicked couple of weeks.

It didn't do what I remember it doing for me before. NOne of any decision to use felt right. But I did it anyway.

Why HOW did I stay clean, through abstinence, while my children were little?

I feel like such a loser. Can't stay clean for myself? I want to. I really want freedom from hiding and fighting and pretending on the outside.

I am such a sad sack today.

Choicy

Today I am clean.
Today I believe in someone that believes in me.
Today I will be honest.
Today I will practice the principles of Recovery to the best of my ability.
Today I believe I am not alone.
Today I am grateful.

Choicy

One addict helping another.
I just showed up.


Thank you AA for giving me my foundation all those years ago.

And thank you to those that are living Just for Today or One day at a time in order to show me the Way

For those that want to Live, there is another way.
You are necessary.




Narcotics Anonymous




Is there a meeting near me?

teatreeoil007

Good to "see" you again, Choicy!

Choicy

Humbly. I'm learning what that is through the pain of my dis-eased thinking. I don't need to learn from the extreme of using my doc but it has shown up many other ways. I keep showing up to meetings and sharing what I am able with my sponsor. The telephone is still a wonderful tool. Enough detachment from my self-obsessed insecurities and enough closeness that provides a gateway to what I really want.

Asked.
Creator.
Literally on my knees today. Not in a sadistic way, nor manipulative way, alone and crying with the pain of turning over control over my life to some invisible but hopefully a tangible power with this new found beginnings of trust. Got to admit that divinity of Life has kept me here this long. It is truly miraculous. Relying on people to fix or help my problems didn't work. There has to be an opening.


to remove my
This usually involved sacrifice. It's doesn't have to be if I've worked the other 6 steps properly. Still scary! I had so much taken, I wasn't sure what what serving me and what needed to be let go of.

Shortcomings.
Time to be a little more balanced in my thinking about myself. Not as good or as bad. Honestly, the good was always some sort of outside achievement anyway. Fear of losing anything (masked!!) kept me from fully working step ONE. It compromised my clean time many times. I wish I could have recovered once. But relapse was in the cards, because I didn't get here by that first drug. My addiction began way before that.
Shortcomings is the nicest thing I could say about myself at one time. Step 4 and my Sponsor, Step 5, led me to possibility of believing (just a little willingness) in step 6.

It's true what the NA step-working guide says. I saw my defects pop up everywhere and challenge me more as I worked for a better solution. The internal fight was awful. But then again, I was always fighting, this was the one chance I've had in my life to begin winning.

Choicy

Did I mention this is my 3rd time through the steps?
I have Never encountered anything quite like The Step Working Guide of NA, or maybe I'm just ready to be more thorough? [ I always notice through and thorough include the mini word ROUGH. ]
Don't want to scare anyone here so I remembered Step 8 is BECAME WILLING TO make amends. I need my sponsor AND my friends for this, recovery-associated, because there are many ways to look at things and my self-deception and desire to CONTROL is not helpful with this step.

I held on to my other step work from AA and ACA. Which included help from CODA, Al-Anon, and SLAA and OA. Realized through that process, I might be an addict. There might be some tendency to obsess and be compulsive. Leave comments here

I'm a mess.
BUT just for today I am a Mess WITH a PROGRAM.
I'm willing to make amends as I'm able, as I come to understand, with self-compassion and in order to Never use Again (NA!), risk what those amends actions will result without obsessing over outcome.
It is incredible I make it through listing, details and all, what I recall, to the best of my ability. Some people were crossed off and I owed myself amends. Some were omitted because I'm not ready so I made myself write their initials.

There is another way to live my friend.
For me that way is very loving.
Which, is the scariest f-ing thing I've ever encountered.

You deserve Love!

That must mean I might too.

Peace.

PS I need your experience strength and hope. YOU.

Choicy

I have continued to work this step for years. I actually saw a person I thought I was prepared to make amends to, but when they showed up in an unexpected place so many feelings came up, I sprinted.
Literally.
In the market.
Back to writing on that one.

I've made many amends, but until I started making amends to myself, they were some sort of weird. I love the basic text for the personal stories as well as keeping the step work and Recovery process simple. I can only work through these steps as I am able, to the best of my ability.

I have had profound conversations, and I have had some uneasy ones. I used to over-prepare, (aka time-waste) and berate myself to avoid actually getting to step 9. It has made all the difference to connect to someone else in NA. I have also tried other meetings in order to broaden my connections as I have a tendency to judge the **** out of others at times. It is another lame attempt to distance myself from others. So many excuses.

The 4th step is tied into step 8 and 9 for me. If it's not actually their crap, it's mine.

We're all so much more similar than different. If I can follow the power of recovery, I see that more and more. The less I punish myself, the less I do it to others.

What I really want is to connect. Without safe distance. That only got me using. I have to accept myself today, as I am. That is not easy. Stopping the thought pattern I suffered for so long while pretending I was as great as some people thought (why did I default to these people make my sense of worth? I don't trust my own thoughts; and for good reason.) Getting my(past)self out of the way allows me space to figure out w.h.o. I Am today. Recovery gives me a direction to aim. Honestly Open-minded (w0w!!) and Willingly. Those 3 were enough to work towards.
Here's to continued Recovery &
"personality change is what [I] really needed. Change from self-destructive patterns of [death] life." BT pg 15 Why Are We Here? 6ed.

Choicy

Hmm. This could be a blog? I think I'll go listen to someone else's story today.

If you are reading this.

I love you.

Recovery is a good thing.