teatreeoil007

I love the way you describe your journey. It's quite a journey, isn't it? Wonderful, beautiful, enlightening, sometimes scary. We're with you all the way. Awesome stuff Choicy!!

Choicy

I get a little lost in my crazy-train head during winter. Or various rando times.

Hope all of you are feelin' sane and grateful [include me in your thoughts]!

This day ain't easy, so I'm going to move a little slower and focus on right now... What I can do to feel connected to something or someone good. Even if it's just the cashier at my local grocery...

If I'm quiet and smile, do they think I'm normal despite what's running around in my head?

I think this too is part of the healing process without using. It takes me a long time to see things differently.

Choicy

I drank * one awful day and night. A lot.

Drank *. It counts in my relapse; how I used it.

I took a lot of *.

Starting again.

Note to self; "I'm sorry."

Dee74

I'm sorry your relapsed Choicy but I'm glad you're back here

What do you think you might do differently this time?

D

stevieg46

Choicy sorry about the relapse, try and look on it as your convince'r cos you can learn so much , do not know if you gave up practicing the Steps or stopped going to meetings ? I noticed your absences quite a lot on here , perhaps you could start looking at that again . Quicker you forgive yourself the better and get back on the horse get steps 1 2 3 done and move on , I know I cannot run my own life I need God/Higher Power in my life on a daily basis , sending you a big hug , keep in touch as best as you can, take care .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

Gottalife

Hi Choicy, I am late to your thread, and very sorry to hear about your relapse. I wondered how much effect your original sponsor had in letting you down with your fifth. Though you got back into it, according to your posts, I didn't pick up anywhere that you experienced the fifth step promises, which in turn leads me to believe they didn't materialize for you. As they are usually the beginning of a life changing spiritual experience, this is quite important.

Putting myself in your shoes, and drawing a little on the experience of a young man who was similarly let down at his most vulnerable, I would think twice about sharing anything too deep, which would mean I would hang on to some of the worst stuff, and my book tells me that will lead me back to drink.

This is a bit of a hobby horse of mine because it is not the first time I have seen such disastrous results from people that are incompetent to hear a fifth step. It can destroy confidence, and it may never come back. My suggestion, taken from earlier practice in AA, is to go to some one who is trained to hear fifth steps, who will not judge, who will keep their mouth shut. Ministers of religion are a good possibility. I have never anyone come back from their fifth steps anything but delighted with the result, where a minister has been the confessor..And you deserve that delight.

This is just conjecture on my part, but I hope it is of some help.

Choicy

I can say I am more sick right now than ever.

I hated for a while that I admitted any thing and wished I could go back to being irresponsible and childish.

I isolated. Big time, thinking I could pull out of this "with my HP." I cannot figure any of this alone, because I am nuts. And worse, seem competent. I hate facing others. It is private and humiliating. It is why I turned here instead of going to a meeting. I thought I was doing okay some days. I want to puke.

I don't ever trust, really. This is like the worst well worn path in my brain. Too much damage to connect. Too much want to be connected to others to die. Always feel HP is waiting on me to figure something out, like it's a key I'm missing. I thought I was supposed to see it "in action in the rooms."

I am tired of feeling and trying. One of these days I'll get it, or just die. I don't know if it's true to say I don't care any more. There' s some demon fight taking place in my heart. I don't think it's fixable, just duct-taped some days.

I think I need to soak in your comments.

I don't understand my sponsor. I won't commit to sharing if I don't really respect the woman. This also makes me feel like a failure. (Also, I only called her once.) It's my second sponsor. How many do I get?

I don't like my home group. There's mostly men and some girls I cannot identify with.

More than anything, I need to stay away from my family of origin. Unless I want more pain than is tolerable.
'
It's horrible when no one tells the truth. And just keeps on rolling. Literally.

stevieg46

Try some different meetings if possible, meet new people , no point in having a sponsor that you do not trust so get another one if possible . I believe you need to keep it as simple as possible so why not cultivate some gratitude for not drinking , its impossible to be miserable and grateful at the same time , try and live in the day and look back and learn from what and when things went wrong for you , lots of successful people have made mistakes and learned from their experience and were all the better for it . Take care my friend .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

teatreeoil007

Sending you a big hug, Choicy....*you*are*loved*.

Ya know, AA doesn't jive with everyone and I am one that's perfectly okay with that. It is what it is. Dee and Anna are not "AA'ers" and I consider them to be two of the best examples here of being in sobriety and doing well.....And yeah, sometimes you just don't feel like you belong there and are not "connecting". I think even those of us who like to be alone do have a place in which we yearn for meaningful connection.

Choicy

I chose to listen to the 50 reasons to use instead of the one good one Not to. It seemed like everything was piling up in my head. Gratitude was not a part of my routine.

My friend died. He was on his way back to the methadone clinic.

Choicy

I am planning on attending my first NA convention next month.

I want to try something new. I hear you, I will try a new meeting.

Is it a good idea to grab coffee with someone after the meeting? Can just listening to someone else help until I can open up again? I'm so low sometimes I'm ironically too sad to worry about being rejected.

teatreeoil007

I'm so sorry about your friend, choicy.

Gottalife

Absolutely

Choicy

Attended a 12 step meeting. I actually laughed out loud once! I have got to stop thinking No One understands, like I'm something special and uniquely broken. I just push the wrong people out.

In times of vulnerability and despair, I hear my abusive father's voice as my own. All those years of going back for more. He's been dead for almost 20 years from a motorcycle (ego trip/binge) accident. I still let him tell what to think about myself. His way out seemed so "I have no fear in life and am beholden to no one!" I have a tendency to follow his lead.

I am going back to another meeting and will try to listen more carefully to those around me. Try to have less paranoia, if that's possible? I guess I'll just try and remember to breathe? What the hell do I offer there except fake smiles, silent thoughts and fear?

I wonder if I've got to learn how to listen, so I can learn how to share? Sometimes my heart wants to burst holding words in at the meeting, but I don't want to be an a**hole. I'm just scared and it comes across as something else, usually false understanding head nods. I thought I'd be over this by now. It's painful.

Who pushed through their fears, continually, and kept coming back, until they actually ever look forward to mixing it up with others without so much(internal, silent) anger and judgment? It seems so up hill- up hill.

Choicy

This is never going to work.

Algorithm

This is the voice of your old Higher Power -- your addiction -- talking. It is a power other than one's self, which has been there all along.

It's not uncommon for addicts to receive guidance from their addiction, and I'd bet it is telling you that you'll never 'get it' and find the key, so you may as well use some more.

About this demon fight, can you describe it?

What's never going to work, Choicy?

Choicy

Even though I want to choose happiness and healing, wading through all the sludge that is my past feels so overwhelming and never ending, It's gdfn Painful.

I don't know how to have "good clean fun" in the meantime.

It seems everyone else can put their stuff aside and not be triggered. I feel unsafe in groups and large NA functions.

There seems to be something subversive going on, it feels fake.

I feel aggression or excitement or dominance and need to control/win coming off some of the men, and a few women. Everyone else seems to be having a good time and I am not.

If I pretend to go along, I return home exhausted. If I show annoyance I worry there's no room for truth telling in "fun" situations. It feels like high school, but we're not children and are admittedly at different stages of growth.

I have a lot of trouble deciphering what is fun to me. I never enjoyed this stuff and preferred to get high alone. I feel safe alone. I also feel lonely alone!

My demon struggle is whether I can ever enjoy anything.

Where else to start trying ? Anything competitive hurts psychically, my flight, fight, or freeze sets in.

Therapy helps with my day to day. I'm going to a NA closed meeting tonight.

I just keep coming back.

It's either that or suicide for me.
Nothing feels safe. I don't know what is real and what I make up in my head. And I know how to pretend to fit in. Faking it works. I just never "make it."

Grymt

Hi Choicy. That is so me. I can say with experience that continuing working a program pays off. Sometimes it doesn't seem possible which is where a bit of faith comes in useful. You do realise you can only feel your own feelings and not those of others?

Generally confusion is countered by focus. It doesn't have to be on anything big or complex. Something simple that as you practice it you gradually focus your mind. Do you gave any hobbies or activities you like to do alone that don't require drugs of course.?

teatreeoil007

Choicy-Thanks for the update. And although it sounds like you are unhappy with some things, I am glad you feel free to be honest. Here. You can be honest here; we don't judge you one bit for however you might be honestly feeling. If NA meetings are sort of sucky for you right now, well...It's good you can at least vent about that.

I'm get the premise of "fake it until you make it" thing as a way to get people to stick with something long enough until it starts working....I get that. BUT-I am not a fan of faking it in anything in life for the most part. It seems in direct contradiction to being honest.

I mean, I understand that sometimes we have to do things; make ourselves get out there and partake in things...it's supposed to be good for us. But to feel as though you are pretending to be enjoying yourself when you are really NOT, I can see how that would be tiring.

There are enough things in life that can drag you down. It sounds like you need to be authentically lifted up. Is there any one person in your NA group that you feel you can connect with? You never know, there may be others in the group who are feeling a bit like you feel, but don't know what to do about it.

For today-my challenge to myself is to do something different than I usually do. Different than the routine; out of my comfort zone. Perhaps not put off a needed phone call, whatever. Schedule that mammogram I don't want to schedule. Wear something different. Pull something out of the closet that never gets worn...put on a scarf I never put on.

Yes, there are things from your past; from your father that are still weighing you down. That's a work in progress. I know. It's hard to shed that stuff. But it can be done. The way he treated you; the kinds of things he said. It's like it's imprinted on your brain and feels like eternal imprints you cannot erase. But some things need to be cleansed away somehow so you can be free of them. Liberated. Every negative thing he ever said or did to you? They are lies and falsehoods and they no longer hold any truth to your life TODAY. Lies and falsehoods belong in the trash. Stick them in the garbage can.

Hugs, my dear. We are here for you....

Algorithm

Better to make it than to fake it, no?

I suggest not waiting for a miracle, Choicy.

Just be one.

Trust yourself.