Mountainmanbob

The Steps are very helpful for us so as to understand our disease, self and Higher Power better.

Each Step is a Step in the right direction.

Good luck,
Bob

Soberwolf

You can do this Choicy x

teatreeoil007

I have given up worrying about having a specific goal here and am resigned to seeing where this digging is taking me.

I tend to get on my own case sometimes for not being very goal-oriented! I don't know if it's irony that made me check on SR today and led me to reading this...but I've tended to think that "if only" I were a little more goal-oriented; [oh just think how much more productive I could be and all the things I could 'get done'. ]Maybe it's an age thing, I don't know, but it seems like I used to be a LOT more goal-oriented. It's not that I've given up on all goals. I still have some kicking around. Am I turning into an under-acheiver ? Am I sub-consciously AVOIDING goals so that I also AVOID feeling like a failure when/if I don't reach them?

Am I just more jaded? Cynical? Have I adopted a mentality of "why bother?" Oh, I surely hope not!

But, I'd like to think that I haven't lost my ability to dream and embrace life.

I think a common reason people abuse substances is they feel like a FAILURE.... or when they feel like, "It's no use, so I might as well go ahead and drink"...to "what else have I got to lose?" Well there are a gazillion reasons for picking up, but maybe a common reason is buying into the notion that there is no BETTER option.

Over the years, I've come to view failure in a new light. Certain kinds of 'failures' is like having one door closed so that we will notice another door that is open.

Choicy

I Love you all for writing here, thank you.

I have taken your individual comments and sat in them to keep me company while I work the 5th step to the best of my ability.

I so admire my acquaintances that attend meetings every week. If this is you :

I was inspired by your title, TEATREE : dreams.
That's it isn't it? I've been resurrecting my sexual history (scare the crap out of me and deluge of feelings), and I realized I went running around denying my dreams, not really enjoying my experiences, hiding the fact I dearly desired true intimacy. I have begun to get that spark of hope as the guilt lessens and my sponsor gives me a little different perspective, I'm open to possibilities there may be other ways of interpreting, even myself. I will begin to dream. I will start to acknowledge what gets me where, and maybe even why.

It has taken truthful sharing with HP and other human beings to give me perspective I could never had gained through "self-help" nor counseling; because they don't share in return. Therapy got me to this place because it was self-centered and they didn't care if I lied or not; it was my dime.

An addict knows, and calls BS in order to help me get honest, and to keep themselves connected to their truths. As I get my head around me I can start to forgive myself and others under a new light. I can't give in an honest way if I don't tend to myself in ways I was never able to before...like telling the truth.

I still tread carefully, like hunting in the forest as the light grows dim after sitting in a blind all day! Each step is cautious 'cause there are fall leaves and big twigs and sometimes I worry I'll step in a hole and fall. It's so much better when I have a buddy beside me to laugh and scare all the deer away, and help me up! Thank you SR

I am not alone.

IvanMike

Keep at it. There will be bumps in the road emotionally. (I'm having one now). But they pass.

It's always important me to remind myself that I'm not a bad person, I just get confused about how to feel a sense of security and self-worth. - Keep that in mind for yourself.

AmbrosiaBlue

Keep going!

Soberwolf

teatreeoil007

Not always sure what to make of dreams....I think maybe many of them are a way for our mind to further EXPLORE things that in our wakeful consciousness we cannot figure out and/or for which there doesn't seem to be an ANSWER we can glomm-onto to solve whatever it is that might be on our minds....?

Dreams are also perhaps a way for us to get our needs met. I know some of my dreams are quite pleasant. I like to think of those as pleasant night-time visitations. I sort of look forward to those dreams. I had dreams the other night of just BEING CARED FOR and being looked after by somebody I love. He was sort of going to bat for me and being my advocate and just being there caring and it felt really nice. Ah, it was just a dream, right (?) but I remember waking up feeling sort of - hmmmm- reassured, I guess?

Keep huntin' for truth Choicy Girl. You'll find it. Or it will find you. Don't give up. You are a treasure.

Choicy

I think my story triggered my sponsor today. And possibly my delivery of it? Anyone ever encounter this?

I was really upset because I had finally screwed up the courage to reveal a biggie, for me. I walked out to the bathroom then returned and she was gone! No explanation, no lets continue later. She "had a call to make," and left. When I contacted her later she said keep working the step and read pages 53- 54 in How and Why.

After sitting in my bathroom in the dark holding myself for some time I picked myself up and reached for the phone.
I called another person from NA and met with him. He gave me perspective without judging either of us and guided me on how to proceed.

I will have to switch gears and ask her what happened. I will also have to tell her how hurtful that lack of communication was and see if we can proceed together?

It was so much getting to this point, and I hear long term friendships can form, but I am at a loss in the midst of feeling disregarded and trying to be faithful that I am still on a healing path...I switched between emotions all day long and I'm out of them.

I don't know what to do so I'm doing nothing and writing on here.

I do have some emotions left; I'm so disappointed and heartbroken.

Dave42001

As you should be hurt!

Just my personal opinion.. I've been in the program for only 4 years and I don't, rather I know I couldn't work with a sponsor who behaves like that! Me me it's unacceptable..

Recovery is hard enough you don't play games with anybody especially your Sponsee.. Stay on track! Wishing you the best!! Keep up the good work!

teatreeoil007

Choicy-I am so sorry to hear of this. It's a terrible feeling like you've been abandoned and then left hanging. But, if she would walk out on you like that, it makes me wonder what's wrong with her; NOT what's wrong with YOU.

YOU are doing fantastic. YOU are successful. YOU are a wonderful person. Does it matter what SHE is? In the long run, no...but I reckon that is hard to see right now.

We're here for you.

PurpleKnight

Hang in there Choicy, SR is in your corner!!

Choicy

Still workin' it.

Thank you to those that have written me. I am committed to continuing.

You are an Inspiration!

I found me a new Sponsor!! It was an emotional roller coaster, but I feel at peace with the first Sponsor- as we talked. She said she could not help me due to her own circumstances, and the similarities. Turns out she was using after surgery and I am about to go in myself! I rescheduled my (outpatient) surgery until I feel more confident and have better support. I was worried about handling the meds, but I have someone that's going to help me with accountability and a new sponsor to get my emotional support from! It's almost exciting being honest (I found people that care!), but also feels foreign (I'm not picking and choosing information to share). I could not have done this without working The Steps. I've been here before. I'm making different choices.

Soberwolf

Congratulations Choicy

Choicy

I am so lax to act any more!
I Am learning to trust HP but
I seem to vacillate
between
"self-centeredness and HigherPowerment"
if you get my meaning.
It is making me l a t e for everything!

I was so reactive before,
now I am unreactive
and it takes me, sometimes,
then decide to choose...

Anyone hear me?

How do You make decisions based on true connection/
I am tired of trial and error!

stevieg46

.

Hi Choicy.

Procrastination for want of a better word ? not knowing if your actions are what your HP wants or if its Hp will or your own will ? .

Having free will is not in any way wrong , just because we do something which our will believes is right is fine as long as its honest and not self seeking . Knowledge of Gods will for us and the power to carry it out . To me that doesn't mean sitting waiting on guidance or inspiration with '' our every action '' after all we know the difference between right or wrong , good or bad , honorable and dishonorable , honest and dishonest . I make decisions based on these principles as long as they are not putting wants in front of needs and my motives are correct . Occasionally I do something for me because at times I deserve it or I haven't gave myself a treat for a long time , always keeping in mind not to do things for totally selfish reasons (like before ).

Personally I had to learn to trust my HP and my instincts as long as they are not for selfish reasons , then I decide to act . To put into practice whatever I felt my Hp along with my common sense and wisdom to know he difference wants me to do .

I had to stop being afraid to make a mistake . Trusting my HP causes me to believe that my HP trusts me to ''try '' to do the right thing in all circumstances . Also its when we do make a mistake I have found out very quickly that I have done the wrong thing ''that is experience '' because its not wrong to make a mistake if our intentions were right , we learn all the time and usually are careful not to repeat .

Action as they say is the magic word , its a program of action , faith without works is dead .

The more faith we have , the more action we take does become ''a way of life '' which if practiced often enough ''becomes natural '' we immediately just do things in a way that is normal to us .

We simply cannot live like ''we are walking on eggs '' scared to do the wrong thing , not sure if its our will or our HP will ? if anyone continues carrying on like that then its only ''natural that confusion and self doubt become a bad habit ''

Maybe trying to be perfect ? , spiritual progress to me is realizing that we are all spiritually imperfect . We, if you like, are '' spiritual beings, having a human experience .

The more we practice doing the right thing the more it becomes a way of life , we get better at it .

Gods/HP will as I see it is ''love the neighbor '' as the Big Book states ''try to be of maximum service to others ''.

Today I do not rely or depend on expectations or responses from other human beings ''and that means everybody '' including family .

Reason being people will always let you down if we depend on there reactions or if I expect them to behave or live in the manner ''I EXPECT '' I take this approach very very seriously and as the Big Book state ''we will know a new freedom '' . or '' no human power ''

I have realized that there are many things I am ''intolerant '' in . I prefer being with ''like minded people '' so negative people ? I have nothing in common with them '' now that is a fact '' just as day turns into night is also a fact . I do not dislike those that are ''needy , false, totally selfish , constant complainers, those that are always totally miserable ecetera '' I am not ''criticizing them '' nor do I feel superior to them , I just ''prefer not to be around them '' obviously there are times I have to mix with them I accept that , but I remove me as soon as I can This to me is what ''a new freedom brings '' I have had AA people say that my attitude is wrong , its not very spiritual to behave like that ? I say well do you prefer being in there company quite often , and sit there biting your tongue , forcing a smile ''and it is annoying you but you feel its wrong to say anything ? '' so you feel you ''need ''to put up with it because some misguided person told you its wrong to think like that ?. So you feel its good to have your tolerance tested ? and lie awake at night feeling annoyed and think its wrong to do so ?

FACTS . These types can make you feel miserable irritable and discontent , and if we are honest we cannot deny it .

Its all down to personal choices , and to me it explains the term ''selfish program '' what we are comfortable with and who we are comfortable with > ''like minded people '' then we pass it on .

Good to hear from you take care .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

tomsteve

glad yer posting,choicy!!! 1st thing id say is
whats yer sponsor say?

but,yes, I can relate- tired of trial and error. why did that get me all jacked up?
2 things
1) I was actually starting to look at my choices rather than just react.
2) I had choices!!!

it was all part of the growth process and I had a while lot of learning! it was a rollercoaster ride for sure- some days riding high, then get to the top of the hill, a serious drop to a low point.
as time went on, working the steps and learning how to live, them peaks and valleys of the roller coaster got closer- not a flat line, but closer.
I really wouldn't want the journey of life to be a flat roller coaster ride. I think of that like lookin at a heart monitor for a stopped heart-lifeless.
lifeless was what I was when I was polluted.

keep on trudging!!! im sure you've had good moments already and as ya keep moving forward, life and its choices will get easier!

think about this,too:
your having trial and error. in reality that's pretty friggin awesome as it shows youre trying instead of avoiding!


accepting im human and will make mistakes isn't easy, but im human and will make mistakes.

stevieg46

Hi Choicy .

In addition to my earlier post , I believe that where the BB talks about we will know a new freedom simply to me is that our lives in sobriety means we go through little surrenders as in letting go and letting God until its only God we attach to on an everyday conscious contact = more will be revealed which is a new freedom =total friendship with God/HP not allowing ourselves to be sidetracked ( means getting rid of ALL of our old ideas ) Being in the Fellowship of the Spirit is amazing .

Appendix 11 . Spiritual Experience > He/She finally realizes that she/he has undergone a profound alteration in his reactions to life : that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone . What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self discipline . With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves . Page 567 .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

teatreeoil007

Hi choicy! Please keep coming back and writing!!! Love what you have to share!

Choicy

Thank you friends who have given me strength here. I keep coming back and it is the longest and most definite decision I have ever made. I needed to commit to something outside myself, and SR was it because of the people that continue to be stellar human examples and open here.

I have made it slowly to more meetings in my home area. I had a couple setbacks with personalities that normally would keep me from returning (excuses and outside blame). But after reading and re-reading posts to SR I learned my perceptions can change about others if I keep coming back...I also learned my crappy attitude and fear can lessen and Voila! I may see others differently.

I didn't understand how believing in something outside myself was necessary, outside human real-life people. Finding that Spirit of my understanding has been a tricky journey because It is So Easy to turn my back on something that doesn't control me. It made me feel silly at first to try and venture into HP...it made me feel guilty when I attached worldly sayings and religion to it. It was hard to get personal. I see that spirit in others and remain open to learning about Love.

This is where I am. Working the Sixth step and saying some days, at least it's a direction. And there are some seemingly happy, imperfect people in my life that have used the 12 as direction, and I'm willing to see if I can get something of value out of it, in order to be of value in this life.

I am self centered enough to realize working the beginning steps was all about me, good and bad, I was intrigued more than scared...and that as I become comfortable with myself, and a pointed foundation, it will lead to being real with others in the later steps...