The memories that were never there...feeling stuck
 

I spoke with my therapist about this today. A lot of the anxiety I'm feeling in sobriety stems from my trying to remember stuff that I did in a blackout. There are hours of some nights that memories do not exist for, because I was blacked out. I try to remember things I said and did but end up filling the blanks with some pretty horrible stuff. The not knowing exactly what I said and did causes me so much anxiety and paranoia. I still think of my last blackout two months ago and cringe, not because I did anything horrible, but because I don't KNOW what I did. I could have acted "normal" (acting like a silly fool/sloppy) but I also could have not acted normal. I simply don't know. I could never bring myself to ask anyone either--too ashamed. Worst were the "brown outs" where I'd remember a few minutes here and there. Trying to piece together a night out led me to a lot of self hate and depression. Even nights drinking home alone I would blackout and wake up the next morning with the same feeling. Despair.

This is something I'm going to focus on working on first and foremost. "Letting go", so to speak, of the "what ifs". I know if I did anything horrible that it would have gotten back to me. It is very hard though. It seems like it will always be there gnawing at me. It is making me feel stuck.

How were you able to "let go" of all those situations that you can't remember? My therapist is wonderful and I think she is going to really help me with this, but I would love to hear from all of you.

One comforting thing is that I won't have to worry about this anymore because I don't drink so I will not blackout.

I was really bad for the blackouts too- I have entire nights I can't remember.
I also have had a hard time moving on from that.
Xo

I had some blackouts towards the end of my drinking days and I understand. It's horrible to not remember but there is no memory there for you to remember so you really do have to let go. And, remember that you never have to feel like that again. :)

In time you will learn to forgive yourself

As for letting go I sometimes imagine my problems tied to balloons in my mind & just let go

It takes time patience & practice

I completely understand. I used to black out on a fairly regular basis. It was NEVER a good feeling when I'd realize that there were entire nights that I had absolutely no memory of. The absolute scariest blackout I ever had was one afternoon when I dropped my son off at football practice at his school and drove home with my 4-year old in the car. What should have been a 20-minute drive home turned into a 2 hour drive home because I had no idea where I was or where I was going. I have very little memory of it; I only remember that I got home about 30 seconds before my husband got home after picking my son up when practice was over. This caused me many sleepless nights. I'd wake up in a cold sweat, overwhelmed with the many thoughts of what horrible things could have happened, and wondering how I could have been so incredibly stupid.

I can tell you that it gets easier to forgive yourself as time passes. The best you can hope for is to learn from your past mistakes and not make them again. You can drive yourself crazy with the "what ifs", but there's no point in doing that. It's over and what's done is done. All you can do is move forward and try to make better choices.

I wish you peace. x

Yes, I did a number of things in blackout that were downright horrid. However, life can be difficult enough without wishing to remember all of those things. I just cant be bothered to think about them, or worry about the things that I still can't remember. I don't want to go through the misery of it anymore. They're all in the past. I can't change them. Accept the things I cannot change.

In fact, I needed to do every single one of those horrid things to take me to a place of complete exhaustion and misery. In a way they helped me stop drinking!

.

Even if there was some pill or some technique that made it possible for us to remember everything, I doubt that would make us feel better - my guess is most of us would feel massively worse.

As you say some memories are gone forever cos they were never 'kept' in the first place - Under The influence is the book in which this is explained

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1592251

I think we just have to accept that, and move on. If you feel amends are necessary do what I did - I tried to do good for myself and others, making my life a kind of living amends.

Todays the only day we can do anything about - don't waste it thinking about yesterday and things we can't remember ;)
D

Under the Influence is a great book, and D was spot on with this:

Todays the only day we can do anything about - don't waste it thinking about yesterday and things we can't remember .