TryingSoHard

I've got a pretty good stretch of sobriety under my belt now. My husband and I haven't had to have a fight over or have a discussion about me and alcohol since June 20, 2013. However, I still fight with myself about it on a fairly regular basis.

I can't seem to drop the guilt and shame associated with my past drinking behaviors. I think back on stuff that happened 3, 4, and 5 years ago and my heart sinks. It may as well have happened last week. I even get filled with shame and embarrassment when I recall stuff that I did that no one but me knows about... times I drank when I was home alone and no one ever found out. Scrolling through Netflix and stumble upon a movie that I watched 4 years ago when I was wasted... Yep, I remember that, and my ears flush and I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it, and I fill with fear that what I'm thinking and remembering will be written all over my face.

I have to learn how to drop these bags. They're weighing me down and I'm so, so tired of carrying them.

TryingSoHard

Mods - I meant to post this in the Alcoholism forum. If it needs to be moved, please feel free to move it. Thanks.

chickippo

i found the guilt and shame eased when i did steps 4,5,6 and 7 in AA. you examine your past, accept your place in it and share it with someone (ie a sponsor).

even if AA does not seem your thing, maybe give it a go? i will admit i don't go much at all any more as i come up on 2 years sober, but without a doubt it first saved my life and then helped me remember how to live.

ItsViolet

I was going to suggest the same thing. Many people find specific relief with this issue through working the steps of AA. Along with their other goals, the steps are pretty much designed to help address stuff like this. Alcoholic behavior and its aftermath usually involve more levels of suffering than just the pain of being hungover all the time, and the fellowship/program understands this.

TryingSoHard

Thank you both for the input and responses. AA isn't my thing. I'll have to find another way to work through it.

Soberwolf

Have you heard of smart recovery ?

Dee74

For me time, and a little forgiving myself, worked.

Here are some articles along the lines what I used, and still use, to accept my imperfections and mistakes and move on

How to Practice Forgiving Yourself - Mindful
The art of self-forgiveness | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation
How Do You Forgive Yourself? | Psych Central
How To Forgive Yourself No Matter What | Prevention

you may not buy all of it - I'm not sure I do either, but I can agree on enough of it to realise that who I am is distinct from what I do, or did.

I've worked hard to make amends where I can.

When I can't make amends I don't wallow over that because that would be a sore that will never heal.

I try to live right and make that a kind of living amends.

It's not going to be something you'll resolve in a night - it's already been 3 years... it's a process, but you can get to a place of peace and a feeling of self worth

I hope the flurry of links helps a little to get you started

D

Dee74

doublepost.

D

least

I saw a counselor the first five years of my recovery. She was very good and very helpful to me. A good counselor is worth their weight in gold.

It took me a while to forgive myself but in time I let go of the guilt and shame.

thomas11

I'll share what I can. I was fortunate not to be too destructive but I did make amends both verbally and by my actions towards people I may have slighted or embarrassed. It may sound selfish, but I did it for me as much as them. Most all of them are fine with it, and in the rare instance where someone may not accept my apologies....well, there is not much I can do about that. I've made my peace, and moved on.

Anna

Tryingsohard, I had the same problem that you did, where things would continue to haunt me for far too long. Someone here suggested journaling. I wasn't really keen to do that because I didn't really want to see my feelings and thoughts written out. However, I eventually did and it helped so much to take away the power of the feelings.

TryingSoHard

Thank you, friend. I will read through those links.

TryingSoHard

I would love to see a counselor, and I think about it often, I just have no idea how to go about finding one. I've seen a few over the years and never found one that I really "clicked" with. The one counselor I saw for alcohol issues? Yeah, I lied to him on almost every visit. Showed up drunk to one and he had no idea. Most of the time I left his office and went straight to the liquor store and got drunk in the parking lot before I went home. So, obviously that didn't help too much. ;-)

TryingSoHard

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.

I have tried that, to the extent that I can. I understand that I don't live in a vacuum and my drinking probably affected more parts of my life than I realized at the time, but my husband got 98% of my alcohol-induced nastiness. I would get drunk at home and be incredibly ugly to him. I have 2 kids, who were 5 and 14 when I first tried to quit, and they were exposed to SOME of it, but even they didn't know just how bad it was. I've apologized to my husband, sincerely, more times than I can count. It's not done much for making me feel better about things I've done. I still have almost no inner peace.

nova84

I see a Psychotherapist rather than an addiction counsellor and have found the sessions help with a wide range of issues and difficulties, from the past and the present. I have found that by sharing 'secrets', which have weighed me down for years and that I believed I could never tell another person, took the power of the 'secrets' away and has allowed me to make peace with them and myself. Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x

TryingSoHard

Thank you, nova.

nova84

p.s you can write yourself a forgiveness letter...showing yourself the same empathy and compassion you would show to a friend in the same situation. Some people also find it helpful to burn or tear up the letter to signify an end to the difficult feelings x

bigguyslimm

You can't change what happen in the past. All you can do is learn from it, and move forward. You don't want to weigh yourself down with regret from the past. It's time to look forward to your future. A bright, vibrant, future.

TryingSoHard

Oh, how ironic that you said that! I literally typed those exact words in another post just a minute ago.

SunnyDenver

To find therapists I started with the Psychology Today directory. Just Google their page and you can look up therapists in your area who specialize in addiction, and/or whatever else you might want