Kelly12390

I just don't know what to do. I woke up this morning and had an image of myself hanging off the curtain pole. That's where alcohol has brought me.

I am 26, I've had two stints in rehab already. I can't seem to get it though. I don't understand why... How come others can and I cannot?

After my last rehab stay I remained sober for exactly a year and a half- I didn't miss it one bit. But I drank in November after getting involved with a man that was just not available and made me feel so worthless. It was obsession. Not blaming him at all, I knew exactly what I was doing.

But Is there anyone out there that can please tell me I have a chance? I feel like such a failure. My heart is shattered. I'm so afraid. Things I said and done last night, I just feel so overwhelmed right now that I just wish it would end.
Thanks

Meraviglioso

Kelly, you sound miserable. Alcohol is doing you no favours right now. It is time to stop again. What did you do after rehab? Did you have continued support? It sounds like the relationship with the unavailable man was a huge trigger that led to you relapsing. Is there anyway you can see a psychologist regularly who might help you get through- or even better, avoid- such circumstances?
I'll tell you this, this FEELING will end. you just have sit through it and let the alcohol get out of your system. Some things that might help speed the process along are drinking a lot of water and fruit juice- particularly pineapple juice. Taking a walk, swiftly if you are able. If you have a bathtub take a hot bath with some salts in the water- apple cider vinegar and baking soda in there as well if you have those on hand. If you don't have a bathtub, a long, hot shower. This is going to pass. If you drink again it will only prolong the misery. Do not drink today and then do the same tomorrow. Come on here for support.

Soberwolf

Kelly have you got a plan & are you going to recovery meetings

Kelly12390

I don't. I have no plan right now. I find it so difficult to opening up in AA. Do you think AA is the only way? I want so badly to be okay again. Thanks.

Kelly12390

Thank you. Right now I just feel that this is bigger than I am. I can't keep up like this.

100% he was a trigger, brought up so much for me.

Thank you for your reply, I have not drank today even though when I woke up that was my plan. I will get some juice soon, I just want be okay, I wish I could turn back the clock, oh how different today could have been.

Meraviglioso

I know how you feel, I have been there hundreds of times. There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past, you can only work on what you will do moving forward. AA is not the only way. It is helpful for a lot of people though, I hope some of those who are very active will come on soon and explain it better to you.
At this point I would not rule anything out, why not give a try? You got yourself to rehab, surely you can get yourself to a meeting. Call the local number and ask if someone can pick you up if you are afraid to go by yourself. You don't have to do or say anything, you can just listen and see if anything resonates with you.
Otherwise there are SMART meetings, which I have no access to where I am so I know little about but again, someone else should be here with further information.
My personal feeling is that you would benefit tremendously from seeing a psychologist. Do you have the means to do so?

Vona71

Hi, Kelly. I don't believe AA is the only way. But you do need a plan, and I can't emphasize how important connecting with others who empathize and understand you is. This site is invaluable for those connections. On a positive note, you have already got many tools for recovery as you've successfully done it before. Don't be too hard on yourself. . You CAN do this!

least

In order to stay sober you must want to be sober more than you want to drink. Not easy, but simple. You can do this!

Jsbodhi

((((( hug you))))
Try this link out! Xoxo
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Jsbodhi

Also check if there are smart meetings near you!

bandit112

This little smidget of your post is going to be a big key to your success I think.

daisy1

I really took on board what you said in your rehab thread meraviglioso about when you are feeling distressed get yourself into water - a bath or shower, as that comforts us as though we are in utero.
I was upset this morning and it really worked for me

grizzlybearblue

It's good to have you here, Kelly : ) I really empathize with you. I had done a couple of stints in rehab as well and still went back to drinking as bad as ever. I remember so many mornings sitting on the floor in the shower heart racing, light headed, and shaking wondering how I was ever going to be able to stop drinking. I didn't think I could. I thought it was going to take another intervention on my family's part or I would die an early death as an alcoholic. Fortunately one day I found this site, and it has been a life saver. I do go to AA two to four times a month, but this site is definitely my main support. Don't drink today no matter what. You never have to feel this way again. You can do this, Kelly!!!

MIRecovery

There is no easier softer way regardless if you use AA or not. Sobriety is hard work. We have to do many many things that make us feel uncomfortable because if we don't change we stay the way we are and staying the way we are is the whole problem.

AA doesn't force you to so anything. You didn't get sick in a day and you aren't going to get better in one. Take AA a day at a time

When I sobered up i was either at work, IOP, or AA for the first 1.5 years and today I still go 3 times a week. At least for this alcoholic I couldn't have done it without AA

entropy1964

You can do this Kelly. One day at a time. It is so easy to beat ourselves up but it does nothing but further harm. Be kind to yourself today. Just get through a week or two without booze. Then you can begin to look deeper.

AA isn't the only way but it is very accessible. It can help just to be around people that understand and it can get you out of your head for a little while. You don't have to say a thing. Just listen. Hang in there.

Upward2Enlightenment

Kelly, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself please get immediate help.

You can definitely beat this. You need to get a plan in place along with some coping skills. They can help you deal with your feelings healthily instead of drinking.

KiKi0615

Hi Kelly, I just wanted to say to hang in there & you can do this!!!!!!!!! You really can.

Kelly12390

Thank you all so much. When I woke up this morning I had every intention of drinking. Instead, I came on here, spoke to my mother and close friend (in recovery) and clung to my AA medal that friend of mine gave me when I made it to my year mark. I cried, I fell on the kitchen floor and cried, but I didn't drink.

Each message kept me going today, I'm grateful and don't feel so alone. But my goodness, addiction is horrible. Where it takes you. I genuinely thought of ending it all this morning because I felt alcohol was going to kill me anyway, that by ending it I would not drag out the pain for my family. I feel more hopeful now. SR has been a part of that.

I am going to start to speak to a physiatrist from next week on. I am also making an appointment Monday to see my doctor and talk about depression. For weeks I have not wanted to get out of bed in the mornings and dread coming home in the evenings. I just have no interest in things- so a chat about depression might be useful.
I will get a meeting tomorrow and Wednesday. I am going home to my mothers house for the next few weekends just to be around support.

I need to get this. I know if I don't I won't see 27 years of age. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart-thank you.

Upward2Enlightenment

Thanks for checking in Kelly.

BorntoHula

Booze is a ticket to hell on earth. I'm 26 as well. Great job not drinking today. I've found forgiving yourself to be an essential step forward and I hope all the new things you're trying lead you to that moment. It's a process that's very worth it. You are more than capable of it, you were born to do it and to be sober.

About a year and a half ago I woke up with a voice and feeling in my head saying "all is forgiven". It was miraculous and otherworldly and a life changing moment. Never had something like that happen before or since. I've never been involved in religion. It followed a period of one of the deepest depressions I've ever experienced at around 2 years sober. I'm doing much better today and haven't had a drink in a very long time.

Just wanted to share that there are many amazing moments waiting for you in your sober life. Grab onto every resource you have, stay open-minded, and don't look back. You have the drive in you, to survive. Listen to what it's saying.