Hevyn

Kelly - it's so good to see you. I know the horrible feeling of dread & regret you had this morning. I got so tired of it, I just had to stop poisoning myself. I was exhausted from trying to manage it - and of course I never could.

I wish I'd done in my 20's what you're doing now. My life would have been so different. I knew I was in danger, but insisted I could control it. We can't. You're going to do this, Kelly. Life will be good again & you'll be free.

Lockie

Hi Kelly. Deep calming breaths. You are safe now . You can not turn back the clock but you are moving forward and clearing your path. This feeling will pass and a day at a time you will feel better. I was in such a rut myself four months ago. Things have unfolded while staying sober that I am at peace. Your self esteem will grow each day you are sober. You have your whole life ahead of you. I wish I figured this out at 26. You have an opportunity to live a beautiful fulfilled life and help a lot of people in the process. Being in AA I have Unlimited support and guidance from people that do not even know me. Will make time for me at a moments notice and grab a cup of coffee , laugh with me cry with me and just understand. Not many people experience that support in this life time. Even this board shows nothing but love and people want the absolute best for each other. blows my mind. I do want to share one thought that has helped me. Picking up a drink enables me to put myself through doom and agony again and again. For so long I just could not stand being uncomfortable while sober. Pick up a drink and doom set in bad. Going over and over the absolute toughest aspect of being sober week after week. Wonder why I thought being sober was "punishment" I was going through day one two and three every 30 days. Also a friend said to me this is my experience not everyone's. Do not think of being sober as being not allowed to have fun or not allow to enjoy life or restricting your joy because you can't drink. Think of staying sober so you can have fun be free and live a beautiful life. My mindset was I was in prison because I couldn't drink. The reality is the drink really put my life in a prison. Took me a long time to realize that. Good luck on your journey! We are all here for you

tomsteve

in all honesty it reads like talkin with yer friend that gave you that aa medalion would be wise. you dont have to open up at aa meetings, but the program helps greatly with that fear.
at one time i had that fear of opening up about who i was and what i had done in my past. working the program helped me see the reason for that fear and now i can talk openly about me and my past in the hopes it can help someone else.

another added benefit(among many) is i went from feeling like a hopeless, helpless, useless,worthless man to one with use, hope. worth, and wanting to help others. i love myself today.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Kelly, I truly believe everyone has it within them to turn things around, there are no inevitables in any of this, you can write a new chapter to your life.

1 and a half years, you've already proved you can do it, it's just about getting back to that place, drawing a line under alcohol once again and reclaiming your life.

AA is also not the only way, there are many here on SR that have used many different methods, we're all striving for the same outcome, but we got there in different ways, you can find yours also and make it happen!!

SR is in your corner!!

Kelly12390

Thank you all. Your words have been so kind. Day two. Feeling more hopeful but full of anxiety and guilt for what I have put loved ones through. I wish I could make it up to them.

Things will get better. They can't get worse anyway! AA meeting tonight. I just want this to work this time.
Hope everyone has a lovely peaceful Sunday.

Soberwolf

Give yourself time Kelly

trachemys

Kelly, consider it a giant buffet in a foreign country. Try everything! Get seconds and thirds on what's good for you. But, try everything.

Hevyn

Kelly, hope the meeting goes well. You sound determined, & we know you can do this.

uncorked

Kelly, you stayed sober for a year and a half so you CAN do this! That's a long time!! I read somewhere that beating addiction is full of fits and starts, but if you keep at it, eventually you'll prevail. Write down a list of things you enjoy that aren't related to alcohol. Realize you can't do most of those when you're drunk...at least not very well. Stay busy. Come on this board. Read a book, watch a movie, have some tea, plants some herbs, paint a chair, go for a walk, take a bubble bath, get a pedicure, exercise, write a letter, cook something new, call a friend, meditate or do yoga....you get the picture. Do anything but drink! :-)

FreeOwl

Totally normal to feel the way you do..... but you are alive, so you have a chance.

Choose today to embrace sobriety with all you've got. Take a walk outside. Be as present as you can in the moment. Don't drink, focus on thoughts of how you'd like your life to be, and on the conscious CHOICE of that life. Go to bed with a simple 'thank you for getting me through today sober'.

Then check in again tomorrow and we will be here, and help you make the choice again.

You can change your life and it will be wonderful.

charliesworld

I am 26, I've had two stints in rehab already. I can't seem to get it though. I don't understand why... How come others can and I cannot? YOU CAN!!!!!

You have not failed until you stop trying!

Regarding hurting other people, the best thing you can do to make amends is staying sober so they can stop worrying and feeling responsible for you. It won't happen straight away but will build over time. The more time passes the more you will stand up tall and be able to look people in the eye and be your true self. That's all anyone ever wants for a loved one.

Kelly12390

Thank you all. Day 3 sober here. A drink did cross my mind earlier, a fleeting thought- I didn't plan on actually having it but it did come into my head. That scares me that it's crossed my mind so soon. But I came on here instead and will take suggestions on board and have a coffee and try and find something on TV or a read the book I'm in the middle of.

Thanks guys, you really help.

Saskia

Kelly, you can do this! Develop a plan and get whatever help you need. I had to make big changes in my life, including friends and places I went. After 1 1/2 years sober, I'm still careful how much time I spend around people who are drinking and about what activities I join.

A daily gratitude list sounds like a small thing but it was a big help. I found that I had much more to be grateful for than I had ever realized.