HEY!!! The problem is YOU.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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HEY!!! The problem is YOU.
I was working to support someone recently, having reached out because I saw in this person some similar issues, challenges and experiences. So, I thought I could help and have offered my support and experience, strength, hope as this person continues to try and grasp firmly onto sobriety.
During a dealing earlier this week, the person shared several stories with me and also with another member of one of our AA groups. The stories were often not aligning. The person was caught in a number of lies and manipulative statements. The person also talked of several 'attempts' to get help from rehab and hospital and other recovery support programs - but offered a consistent story that "they" had had issues with this person and therefore the person wouldn't go back.
At one point during our discussion I had to stop the talk and say this;
"You know... I'm noticing a consistent pattern here. It seems that in every one of your stories, the end is that 'they' had a problem with you, and so you had a falling out. I'm noticing that you also identify the root of your problem as being the pain of your life situation, inflicted on you by your family. I'm noticing, actually, that all of your problems seem to be coming from 'the rest of the world' and the one place you're not looking is in the mirror. I'm gonna cut to the chase and tell you the truth; THE PROBLEM IS YOU. You say that you want sobriety - but you avoid following through with the actions needed to embrace it. You claim that you're willing to do what it takes - but then you don't do what it takes. You acknowledge that you have emotional and psychological challenges - but you refuse to go and get counseling for it. You have all sorts of people in the world willing and ready to help you..... but the only person NOT helping you... is YOU. And the ones reaching to help you, you're cutting off. "
I think this is a story that a lot of us can relate to. I just wanted to share it as a reminder.
When it looks like all the world is the problem.
When it seems like everything is against you.
When it feels like it's all unfair and people are out to get you and nothing is changing.....
It's often time to look honestly in the mirror, squarely at your own behavior, and change the one person that is sitting at the root of the problem.
It's you.
During a dealing earlier this week, the person shared several stories with me and also with another member of one of our AA groups. The stories were often not aligning. The person was caught in a number of lies and manipulative statements. The person also talked of several 'attempts' to get help from rehab and hospital and other recovery support programs - but offered a consistent story that "they" had had issues with this person and therefore the person wouldn't go back.
At one point during our discussion I had to stop the talk and say this;
"You know... I'm noticing a consistent pattern here. It seems that in every one of your stories, the end is that 'they' had a problem with you, and so you had a falling out. I'm noticing that you also identify the root of your problem as being the pain of your life situation, inflicted on you by your family. I'm noticing, actually, that all of your problems seem to be coming from 'the rest of the world' and the one place you're not looking is in the mirror. I'm gonna cut to the chase and tell you the truth; THE PROBLEM IS YOU. You say that you want sobriety - but you avoid following through with the actions needed to embrace it. You claim that you're willing to do what it takes - but then you don't do what it takes. You acknowledge that you have emotional and psychological challenges - but you refuse to go and get counseling for it. You have all sorts of people in the world willing and ready to help you..... but the only person NOT helping you... is YOU. And the ones reaching to help you, you're cutting off. "
I think this is a story that a lot of us can relate to. I just wanted to share it as a reminder.
When it looks like all the world is the problem.
When it seems like everything is against you.
When it feels like it's all unfair and people are out to get you and nothing is changing.....
It's often time to look honestly in the mirror, squarely at your own behavior, and change the one person that is sitting at the root of the problem.
It's you.
thank you for such a fantastic post.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Hard to swallow, but you're dead right FO!
Alcoholics have a million excuses, and all of the blame falls on everyone else. Mom. Dad. Doctors. Employers. Lovers. Teachers. The list goes on. I am pretty certain that if YOU get YOUR $*!+ together, you're going to be okay. Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk!
Alcoholics have a million excuses, and all of the blame falls on everyone else. Mom. Dad. Doctors. Employers. Lovers. Teachers. The list goes on. I am pretty certain that if YOU get YOUR $*!+ together, you're going to be okay. Stop talking the talk and start walking the walk!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I could write a book for a response, but thank you for saying what needs to be said. American culture (in particular) has become one of blaming others for our own problems, and taking responsibility is simply too much work.
The fact is, the world owes us nothing.
The fact is, the world owes us nothing.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Great post, I post a couple of daily readings on a small forum and this was today's quote:
People are always blaming their circumstances for being what they are. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them.'
~George Bernard Shaw
~George Bernard Shaw
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Originally Posted by thomas11 
I could write a book for a response, but thank you for saying what needs to be said. American culture (in particular) has become one of blaming others for our own problems, and taking responsibility is simply too much work.
The fact is, the world owes us nothing.
The fact is, the world owes us nothing.
And pom poms.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
This is an important post. I'm lying in bed thinking and this post occurred to me. I very much think the root of my internal issues comes down to what's my fault vs. what's someone else's fault. Of course we've all been wronged, but what never occurs to us is what we did that may have contributed to it. Could be nothing, but chances are that's not the case.
What did I do? Therein lies the answer (IMO).
What did I do? Therein lies the answer (IMO).
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Great post 
1 year, 3 months and 1 week into this new sober life and I am 57 years old. It has occurred to me, just in the past few months, that I have spent my life looking outside of myself for the cause of my problems, as well as, looking outside of myself for the answers, effectively rendering myself a perpetual victim.
Someone here had this quote in their signature;
"I am my own problem and I am my own solution."
It is somehow freeing to stop blaming the world and to realize it all lays within me. Now I know where my work is focused. I can't do anything about the world but I can do something about myself
1 year, 3 months and 1 week into this new sober life and I am 57 years old. It has occurred to me, just in the past few months, that I have spent my life looking outside of myself for the cause of my problems, as well as, looking outside of myself for the answers, effectively rendering myself a perpetual victim.
Someone here had this quote in their signature;
"I am my own problem and I am my own solution."
It is somehow freeing to stop blaming the world and to realize it all lays within me. Now I know where my work is focused. I can't do anything about the world but I can do something about myself
Last edited by 2ndhandrose; 04-07-2016 at 06:00 AM. Reason: clarifying
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Location: Boston, MA
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Yes. Right on.
I know a woman who cannot get sober because things are "not going her way." Her free metro rides are late. So she drinks. Her kids won't walk to her. So she drinks. Her probation officer is harassing her. So she drinks. Her sponsor expects her to call her too early in the morning. So she drinks. Every time she relapses she cries that God is not giving her enough strength to stay sober. And she wails "It's the disease...it isn't my fault....it's the disease!!" Yes you do have a disease. If you are unwilling to TREAT your disease by doing the hard work that is necessary for sobriety then it is not the disease. It is you. If you are going to call it a disease, fine. But cancer victims don't decide they just don't feel like taking their chemotherapy because it is too much work. This is a deadly disease that needs to be treated DAILY.
I had to distance myself from this person because her thinking is so deluded.
I know a woman who cannot get sober because things are "not going her way." Her free metro rides are late. So she drinks. Her kids won't walk to her. So she drinks. Her probation officer is harassing her. So she drinks. Her sponsor expects her to call her too early in the morning. So she drinks. Every time she relapses she cries that God is not giving her enough strength to stay sober. And she wails "It's the disease...it isn't my fault....it's the disease!!" Yes you do have a disease. If you are unwilling to TREAT your disease by doing the hard work that is necessary for sobriety then it is not the disease. It is you. If you are going to call it a disease, fine. But cancer victims don't decide they just don't feel like taking their chemotherapy because it is too much work. This is a deadly disease that needs to be treated DAILY.
I had to distance myself from this person because her thinking is so deluded.
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yes.... all good replies and some great additional thoughts.
I spoke with my good friend, sponsor, mentor and long-time sober role model the other day and he said:
"I never hesitate to tell a guy; 'go ahead on out and get drunk, screw your life up, keep taking the ride. C'mon back when you're ready to get serious. I'm not here to waste my time, I'm here to help people who are willing and ready to help themselves. Every minute I spend letting you B*llsh*t me is a minute I could be helping someone who's serious about recovery. I'm serious about my sobriety. I'm serious about helping you save your life. But I'm not going to waste my time with you if YOU are not serious about saving your own life".
He's in his seventies, he just got recognized at work for selling half a BILLION in revenue this past year. Half a billion. This is a guy who gets things done, works hard, cares about people, goes to meetings every day, sponsors a half dozen or more people all at once, takes care of his family, has been married for almost 40 years...... I respect him greatly and his words hit home. Made me realize that I can tend to be TOO caring.... TOO willing to help.....
Sometimes, we have to call people on their crap. Sometimes, they NEED to be - until they finally get it and are finally, truly willing to take responsibility and take action.
I spoke with my good friend, sponsor, mentor and long-time sober role model the other day and he said:
"I never hesitate to tell a guy; 'go ahead on out and get drunk, screw your life up, keep taking the ride. C'mon back when you're ready to get serious. I'm not here to waste my time, I'm here to help people who are willing and ready to help themselves. Every minute I spend letting you B*llsh*t me is a minute I could be helping someone who's serious about recovery. I'm serious about my sobriety. I'm serious about helping you save your life. But I'm not going to waste my time with you if YOU are not serious about saving your own life".
He's in his seventies, he just got recognized at work for selling half a BILLION in revenue this past year. Half a billion. This is a guy who gets things done, works hard, cares about people, goes to meetings every day, sponsors a half dozen or more people all at once, takes care of his family, has been married for almost 40 years...... I respect him greatly and his words hit home. Made me realize that I can tend to be TOO caring.... TOO willing to help.....
Sometimes, we have to call people on their crap. Sometimes, they NEED to be - until they finally get it and are finally, truly willing to take responsibility and take action.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
When it looks like all the world is the problem.
When it seems like everything is against you.
When it feels like it's all unfair and people are out to get you and nothing is changing.....
It's often time to look honestly in the mirror, squarely at your own behavior, and change the one person that is sitting at the root of the problem.
It's you.
__________________________________________________ ____________
My spouse often complains. About work. About how unfair everything seems to be, as it relates to her. About how things seem to be stacked against her.
I really want to send her this quote.
However, I suspect that, as accurate as the quote is, those who read it will likely fail to recognize themselves and the need for them to change.
And that is a shame.
When it seems like everything is against you.
When it feels like it's all unfair and people are out to get you and nothing is changing.....
It's often time to look honestly in the mirror, squarely at your own behavior, and change the one person that is sitting at the root of the problem.
It's you.
__________________________________________________ ____________
My spouse often complains. About work. About how unfair everything seems to be, as it relates to her. About how things seem to be stacked against her.
I really want to send her this quote.
However, I suspect that, as accurate as the quote is, those who read it will likely fail to recognize themselves and the need for them to change.
And that is a shame.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by firstymer
When it looks like all the world is the problem.
When it seems like everything is against you.
When it feels like it's all unfair and people are out to get you and nothing is changing.....
It's often time to look honestly in the mirror, squarely at your own behavior, and change the one person that is sitting at the root of the problem.
It's you.
__________________________________________________ ____________
My spouse often complains. About work. About how unfair everything seems to be, as it relates to her. About how things seem to be stacked against her.
I really want to send her this quote.
However, I suspect that, as accurate as the quote is, those who read it will likely fail to recognize themselves and the need for them to change.
And that is a shame.
When it seems like everything is against you.
When it feels like it's all unfair and people are out to get you and nothing is changing.....
It's often time to look honestly in the mirror, squarely at your own behavior, and change the one person that is sitting at the root of the problem.
It's you.
__________________________________________________ ____________
My spouse often complains. About work. About how unfair everything seems to be, as it relates to her. About how things seem to be stacked against her.
I really want to send her this quote.
However, I suspect that, as accurate as the quote is, those who read it will likely fail to recognize themselves and the need for them to change.
And that is a shame.
I think you're right.... yet at the same time, in my own experience when I was FINALLY ready to see it - I could think back and clearly remember key messages along the way that had hit a nerve.... my 'coming to awareness and acceptance' was influenced along the way by many voices.
I think it's important to send these messages, even when they're not 'ready to be received' because these changes of perspective are often a long-term process.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Oh man, that sure was and is me!
And on that note, I wasn't ready to hear any of it until the day I hit my bottom the first time. It was like all of a sudden my eyes were opened and everything everyone had ever been saying, hinting or suggesting about me and my drinking all came flooding in and my denial was shattered.
Now today in life, I realize when things are going crappy, I'M the problem.
(and I really love that saying about how when I'm pointing a finger, there are 3 pointing back at me)
And on that note, I wasn't ready to hear any of it until the day I hit my bottom the first time. It was like all of a sudden my eyes were opened and everything everyone had ever been saying, hinting or suggesting about me and my drinking all came flooding in and my denial was shattered.
Now today in life, I realize when things are going crappy, I'M the problem.
(and I really love that saying about how when I'm pointing a finger, there are 3 pointing back at me)
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