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I didn't even think twice!

Old 04-04-2016, 11:40 PM
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I didn't even think twice!

So my story is that my drinking has got to the point where I binge once every few months. Why I can't seem to stop it I don't know. My last drink was new years eve and I fully intended that his year would be the year it didn't happen again.

Saturday I was feeling angry. Everything was annoying me. Unexpectedly my parter announces he's going out for a drink with some friends and I found myself presented with the opportunity to go out and buy some booze. I did it without even thinking twice abut it. I ended up stealing wine from my mums house in the middle of the night because I ran out and I am mortified. My mum is understandably upset and I feel like a fool. I couldn't work yesterday because I couldn't drive and my children are a bit confused as to what happened. I spent all day Sunday in bed topping up the booze from the night before enough to keep me passed out.

The sad fact is though I enjoy it. When I am up in the middle of the night and alone with my wine (or whatever it is) for a few hours I know I am ok. It's all that comes later that causes problems. I was lucky this time. My partner managed to remember to do everything the kids needed doing so there was no homework missed or anything like that and aside from upsetting my mum and dad and missing a day in work nothing major happened. I'm lost today. I didn't sleep. the usual weird dreams and pounding heart. I know the drill by now. I'll be ok in a day or 2 physically but mentally and emotionally I'm tired of fighting it. I've had no temptation at all since new year but what was scary was the fact I didn't even stop to try and talk myself out of it.

Life is feeling really hard atm.
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Old 04-04-2016, 11:51 PM
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Hi charliesworld

It's hard to go a different way once the idea of drinking hits you - but thats exactly what we need to do.


Like I said to someone else here today I had to accept, internalise and commit to the idea there was always something else I could do apart from drink.

No matter what the situation or the feeling, there is always another choice besides drinking and drugging.

It might be posting here, it might be going to an AA meeting (or a SMART one, or a LifeRing one) it might be calling sober friends...it might be using urge surfing, or remembering about HALT or playing the tape through.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

It might be something else you have in your recovery toolbox.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

But you need to give the idea a second thought if you want to get anywhere Charliesworld.

There's all the support in the world here, but that second thought is all down to you.

If you really can't find it in yourself to stop...think, and make that second thought, maybe you need to consider more extreme responses like inpatient or outpatient rehab?

D
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Old 04-05-2016, 12:27 AM
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I wish now I'd said no!

Dee thank you for your advice. You are always here and you must spend hours offering support to everyone on here. I need to man up and have another plan - I do know that. I wish I'd played it forward. All I had to do was have an early night and it would all have been avoided.

I often wonder when I first get out and about after a binge, looking around, how many other people are going through the same thing? I remember one day getting to my local supermarket when it opened in the morning. I was getting some wine for a present (it was during a sober period) and there were 3/4 people all with their heads down in the aisle picking up their cheap booze, embarrassed about what they were doing but still needing to get their fix. It's so destructive and sad.
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:00 AM
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Hi Charlie
I feel for you so much right now I really do.
As an old timer in AA told me recently in his drinking days having 3 meetings a day in the rooms under his apartment did not stop him drinking when he was in his addiction.
This illness is very cunning and very powerful. As you say, you could have just had a bath and and gone to bed and life would be so much different today but when the illness is allowed in for one second, all caution and all the hard work you have put in is thrown to the wind.
I spoke to my sponsor about my recent behaviour and she asked me to look at my triggers and my behaviours prior to relapse so that I could recognise them and know in the future when I was putting myself into a place of vulnerability and try to avoid going there.
Less than a year is still early days and so we are still extremely vulnerable to our triggers..... Try to look at your thought processes prior to picking up. Relapses don't just happen, often they are planned by our inner saboteur who constantly sits in wait.
The main thing is you are here, you are back and you have not given up. Do not despair, be kind to yourself and begin again.
Big hugs
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:17 AM
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thank you Elle. I have actually come a long way from where I was. Before I had my 2 youngest children my drinking was really out of control. 2 pregnancies in quick succession seemed to be what I needed to get out of that trap but I still have these times where I just don't stop. I guess I was lucky in that it only lasted a little over a day this time (plus another day to get functional again) but it has been known to last for days when I get on one. It used to be a weekly occurrence so doing it once every few months is a big improvement. I'm just so frustrated with myself. I'd had no cravings and right up to the point he said he was going out it hadn't crossed my mind. I'm just angry with life in general atm. We've been going through a really rough time for over 2 years now and I'm angry that we can't seem to get out of it.
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:38 AM
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Thanks for your reply Charlie.
H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.... All major vulnerability indicators.
Anger is very much an emotion than it is internalised, it is an extremely powerful self destructive emotion, one which I can recognise but find very hard to express. I get angry, I don't say or do anything about it, instead i press down beneath the surface and let it simmer into a multitude of different resentments and self pity....
Then I press the .... It button, the does it really matter may as well have a drink button and unleash chaos.
Feeling powerless can lead to anger, there are so many situations over which we have no control, I have many many of those in my life at the moment but I know if i drink it will only take me down the path of self destruction, regret and despair... The powerlessness over people and situations still remain and nothing is gained yet so much can be lost.
Hold tight, sometimes we just have to let go and trust that today's problems will become tomorrow's solutions. People overcome all sorts of stuff in recovery, we've just got to accept that we can too.
Hugs
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Old 04-05-2016, 06:56 AM
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Relapse usually happens well before the actual drinking. You said you were angry and annoyed. There were probably other indicators leading up to the relapse, perhaps some romancing of alcohol, missing the good times, or some resentment that you couldn't drink.

Recovery is about identifying those things leading up to the drink and coping with them effectively. There's no drinking without the consequences. They are part and parcel. Your addiction is putting up with a whole lot of misery on your behalf for the few hours of pleasure it gets. You can put a halt to all that. I hope you can figure out how.
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Old 04-05-2016, 07:10 AM
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You may not be so lucky if you have another binge,anything coud happen.Binge drinking is extremely dangerous.

It may be a good idea to sort out a plan of recovery while you are still feeling bad,not wait until you feel better.

Wishing you well
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Old 04-05-2016, 07:36 AM
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Hi CW, I have a question for you, in the periods of time when you don't drink, do you think about drinking? Do you feel you are just on "hold" until the next episode?
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Old 04-05-2016, 08:18 AM
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Charlie, I remember that feeling of simply acting and buying alcohol, rather than thinking about it. It was so frustrating. I think the key is to have a firm plan and stick to it. You were annoyed and angry and you r partner went out so the opportunity was there. Can you come up with a plan to put in place the next time you feel angry? I made use of aromatherapy in the early days because surprisingly aromas like lavender can change our mindset. I would hop into the shower with lavender oil and it really helped. What would work for you?
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Old 04-05-2016, 03:40 PM
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I have actually come a long way from where I was.
All the more reason to fight your hardest now - allow no quarter with your addiction charliesworld.

You've got one hand free, why keep the other chained?

D
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Old 04-05-2016, 03:45 PM
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I hope our support can help you get sober for good. You deserve a better life.
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Old 04-05-2016, 04:02 PM
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I'm really glad you're here with us, Charlie.

It feels so good to be free of it. Knowing nothing dangerous or risky will happen due to drinking is such a relief. I don't know why I clung to it for so long - it was never fun in the end & only brought misery. Happy to know you're taking a hard look at what it's doing to your life.
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Old 04-06-2016, 12:28 AM
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Gosh wow thank you for the responses. I didn't get chance to get back on here last night. I've deliberately filled my days so I don't have much chance to get drunk as I nearly always have responsibilities the next day. I was busy right up to bedtime but them had a lovey snuggle with my boys watching TV. It's in those moments I feel content.

Dee - thank you again. Again you hit the nail on the head.

Hevyn - it's actually ridiculous now that I look back how I thought it would be fun. But I keep going back to it.

Anna - you are right. I'd been letting stuff get on top of me. I'd taken Easter off to spend it with my kids but we are struggling financially, due to my partners lack of work, and I was really resenting him for putting us in this position. I'd had to spend my birthday money on other people because I couldn't afford it myself.

Thomas - great question. My initial reaction was no not at all but actually I think there is something to that. I can have alcohol in the house for months and not be tempted to go near it but maybe there is that thing that it is there as my crutch for when I need it.

48heath. I drink a lot in one sitting and I know this is dangerous. When I was younger I didn't care so much but now I'm in my late 30s and when I stop and I'm listening to my heart thundering away and the sweats it does worry me that I'll end up having a stroke or something.

dogggoneone - maybe you are right. I completely missed the triggers. I need to be more careful.

Elle - thank you. xx
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